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Laughter is Contagious

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techsan said:
Let's Say I Break Into Your House

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!! It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.

Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan, educate my kids, and provide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work because he too is hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part). If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there.

It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm a hard-working and honest, person, except for well, you know.

And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an anti-housebreaker. Oh yeah, I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me.

Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America....if you agree, pass it on (in English). Share it if you see the value of it as a good smile. If not blow it off along with your future Social Security funds, and a lot of other things.
Click to expand...

Good afternoon {{{{{{{{Techsan}}}}}}}}}}}} :kiss: Thank you for sharing that. It most definitely will be sent on!!
 
Harvard Reading Test

Harvard Reading Test

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without
a mistake. The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat









Now go back and read the third word in each line from the
top down.
 
Phrase

Q. What should a woman say as she guides her lover's
tongue toward her clitoris?

A. This bud's for you!
 
 
Man at a bar...

Man sit's down at the bar and pulls out a perfectly formed little man and sits him on a small chair on top of the bar then calls the bartender over.

"bring me a beer please, and bring a thimble full for my friend here."

The bartender is amazed and asks,

"Is he real, can he talk?"

The man replied,

"Of course he can talk." Looking down at his small friend and he says,

"Hey Max, tell the bartender about that time we were over in Africa and you called that witch doctor a black son of a bitch."
 
Chair Man of the Board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive''s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
 
One big fish

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch !" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people!"
 
Jacob and Rebecca

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice ?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
 
wally2450 said:
Harvard Reading Test

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without
a mistake. The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat









Now go back and read the third word in each line from the
top down.
Click to expand...
ROFL - I just gave this to my parents!!! Now mum did well, dad not so well, but they neglected to read it properly - took another ten minutes to figure out the third words spelt another sentence :D
 
techsan said:
Jacob and Rebecca

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice ?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Click to expand...
Love it!
 
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"


She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
 
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it for a ceiling fan!"
 
NINE MONTHS LATER

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they encountered a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determine d that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."


(And you though t the ending would be different, didn't you?)
 
and one more...I pulled my quarter century right down the raod from this woman :rolleyes:

Redneck Mama



A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...



"WOW," the social worker exclaims," are they ALL YOURS???"



"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."



All the children rush to find seats.



"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."



"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."



"OK, and who's next?"



"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."



The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!



"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"



Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'



An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.'



An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."



The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"



"I call them by their last names."
 
Well ... the pics didn't copy but ...

I thought you would want to know about this
e-mail virus.


Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.


It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.
Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice! Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail
to the wrong person. yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person
who sent it to you. who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach
the attachment. well darn

6. Causes you to hit
"SEND" before you've finished. oh no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE"
instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND"
when you should "DELETE." Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
 
LIMIWA; Not trying to get nosey or anything but your AVATAR sure looks familiar......the Colorado River in Airizona or California perhaps?

leev
 
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,

"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,

slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,

but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,

but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find

a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again

be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren't older women great! They really know how to solve your mid-life crises...
 
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