Laughter is Contagious

[done_got_old]

another oldie

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad."

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelop and read the letter, with trembling hands. "Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry, Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.



Love, Your son John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

[pleaz_me]

A squad of U.S. Marines was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar, but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Mrs. Clinton!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us"

 

[pleaz_me]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to
run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started .."

 

[pleaz_me]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered.......YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

 

[pleaz_me]

New Warning

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military
action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's
supply of convenience store managers.
And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next,
followed by Dell customer service reps, Motel 6 managers, and liquor store cashiers.

It's getting ugly!!!

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.funnypop.com/pictures/data/502/1alligator-cartoon.jpg

 

[techsan]

Ecumenical Humor

Waking up for Church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Methodist , and this is a casserole."

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegasand Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean"

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime? "

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the MethodistChurch, the BaptistChu rc h, the LutheranChurch.."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Dear Lord

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended . and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...

 

[kayte]

Ecumenical Humor

Waking up for Church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am a Methodist , and this is a casserole."

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegasand Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean"

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime? "

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the MethodistChurch, the BaptistChu rc h, the LutheranChurch.."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Dear Lord

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended . and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...

Those are all fantastic {{{{{{{Techsan}}}}}}}}}

The one about the "butt dust" still has be grinning and chuckling!

 

[wally2450]

Implant

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the
chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes
are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin
under the buttocks. The patient then controls the sensation with a
handheld remote.

Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:

1. Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio
Shack. 2. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover
story headlines. 3. Dad: now surfs with two remotes
Mom: never complains
4. She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and
she's out the door. 5. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra
Commandment. 6. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're
looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard
of your SUV. 7. The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming... 8. "Not
tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache." 9. Finally, size really *doesn't*
matter. 10. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying
attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying
attention... I'm sorry..." 11. Every time your cell phone rings, you
feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name. 12. Side
effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!! 13. In
addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Radio Shack
Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O." 14. Men no
longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner... errr,
never mind.

 

[wally2450]

Grampa

 

[wally2450]

Grafitti

 

[wally2450]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered.......YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

Poor blondes...ROFLMAO!

 

[techsan]

From limiwa ...

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Kissed01.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Kissed02.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Kissed03.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Kissed04.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/K-O/Kissed05.gif

 

[done_got_old]

There are two identical pictures that will appear on the screen. Almost 8,000 people were tested to see if they could find the 3 differences in the two pictures and only 19 found all 3. See how observant you are. If you find all 3, you're one of very few people who are able to do this.


Click Here

 

[techsan]

Actual Company web sites

Read carefully!!

All of these are legitimate companies dealing in regular products and
services, but they (obviously) didn't think their domain names through.
Most of
them are prime candidates for the "What was I thinking?" Award...

1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is www.whorepresents.com

2. Want to go on holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

3. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

4. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

5. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

6. Then of course, there's the Italian power generation company -
www.powergenitalia.com

7. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

8. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

9. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

10. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers at Speed of Art,
and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

ALL these websites actually exist, selling something totally benign (and
work-safe, in case you're wondering).

 

[techsan]

Childrens Science Exam Answers

If you need a chuckle or a laugh, then read through these children's science exam answers:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this)!
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: T he tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

 

[techsan]

I think this may have been posted before but I couldn't find it. Maybe you'll still find it funny ... or not! The following is not necessarily the opinion of the creator of this thread...!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-----------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-----------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-----------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-----------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-----------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to
-----------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-----------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-----------------------------------------------------

Ah, well, have a sense of humor, ladies.

 

[kayte]

Property Dispute


One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."


Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and said, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.


The following morning the man presented her with $125 as he prepared to leave.


She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125, I'll sue you for it."


He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."


Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.


His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."


After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."


The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."


The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."


In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."


The defendant immediately wrote a check.

 

[SexSweetheart]

Daily Humor
October 18, 2006


In the small town where I grew up, the obstetrician had a reputation for being able to predict the sex of an expectant mother's baby. On the woman's first visit, he would tell her his guess and then write it down on his desk calendar. Though occasionally he was challenged when a mother thought he had been wrong, the calendar always proved him correct. At his retirement party, he was asked the secret of his uncanny ability during 60 years of practice. He responded simply, "I always wrote down the opposite of what I first told them."

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Arlin L. Lambert

 

[done_got_old]

Cream pies

Officer: Brussels police department, how may I assist you?

Bill Gates: Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.

Officer: Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?

Bill Gates: No

Officer: Well, let me get a little information about you for our records...
Your name?

Bill Gates: Bill Gates

Officer: Country?

Bill Gates: The USA

Officer: Native language?

Bill Gates: English

Officer: Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?

Bill Gates: Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.

Officer: We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?

Bill Gates: Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie.

Officer: Have you visited the Prime Minister before?

Bill Gates: Yes

Officer: Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"

Bill Gates: No

Officer: Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?

Bill Gates: Yes

Officer: Any pies then?

Bill Gates: No

Officer: Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait.

Bill Gates: Just a minute.." [several minutes pass...] "Okay, I'm back.

Officer: Did you get hit by another pie?

Bill Gates: Of course not

Officer: Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. [click]

 

[leevining]

Alabama State Quarter

Alabama State quarters being recalled

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The U. S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

"We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued, " Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices. "

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U. S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Alabama quarter, which was created by an Auburn University graduate, " Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices. "

 

[leevining]

Usa..**** Cheerleaders

LSU "GOLDEN GIRLS"

http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l255/leevininig/cheer1.jpg




ALABAMA "CRIMSONETTES"


http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l255/leevininig/cheer2.jpg



WEST VIRGINIA MOUNTAINEERS


http://i98.photobucket.com/albums/l255/leevininig/cheer3-1.jpg

 

[wally2450]

I think this may have been posted before but I couldn't find it. Maybe you'll still find it funny ... or not! The following is not necessarily the opinion of the creator of this thread...!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-----------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-----------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-----------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-----------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-----------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-----------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to
-----------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-----------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-----------------------------------------------------

Ah, well, have a sense of humor, ladies.

ROFLMAO!

 

[wally2450]

Property Dispute


One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."


Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and said, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.


The following morning the man presented her with $125 as he prepared to leave.


She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125, I'll sue you for it."


He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."


Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.


His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."


After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."


The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."


The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."


In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."


The defendant immediately wrote a check.

LOL!!

 

[wally2450]

Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep
the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage
to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may
result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to
admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or
are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset
course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first
time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily
under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this
situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when
this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush
around the hole to allow for improved viewing of> alignment with, and
approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners
request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.