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LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Laughter is Contagious

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techsan said:
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are
sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in
Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple
that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides ​
Click to expand...
ROFLMAO!!
 
Daily Humor
October 16, 2006


In the course of an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging nearby and asked them for help. "Sorry, sir," replied one, "but we've been classified dead and are not to participate in any way." The C.O. turned to his driver. "Private," he barked, "go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction." He got his pushers.

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Debra Eaton

http://bestsmileys.com/eyes/5.gif
 
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."


Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"


When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he asked, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"


"Yes," said the flight attendant, "and so is the co-captain. In fact, the entire crew is female."


"My God!" said Ed. "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."


"That's another thing, sir," said the flight attendant. "We no longer call it the cockpit ... Now, it's called the box office."
 
A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a pair of boxers

"what have you come as " asked the host

"premature ejaculation" the man replies

"how the hell do you represent premature ejaculation" asked the host

"oh" says the man "I've come in my pants"
 
Finally the mysteries are answered

This is what we have been waiting for...the true answers to 5 really important Questions:

Q1: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."

Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q5. WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
 
My friend just emailed this to me and I thought it was funny.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in university.
 
date rejection letter

Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.

___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.

___ Your gift of a 2oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds , showed style.

___ Three final words... Size does matter.

Sincerely,
 
One Sunday

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of
a small Florida church found a plain pink envelope containing $1000.
It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a
little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This
went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give
some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed.
"Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession,"
the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in
Las Vegas and one in Reno."
 
bitchgoddess3 said:
Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of Your Own beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents, and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.

___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.

___ Your gift of a 2oz. Hershey Bar, with almonds , showed style.

___ Three final words... Size does matter.

Sincerely,
Click to expand...
ROTFLMAO ... by the truckload, huh? Did he mention that he makes a living as a clown forming balloons into animals...LOL
 
Last edited:
Daily Humor
October 17, 2006


In the hospital where I work, the quality of meals offered in the employees' cafeteria is a source of aggravation. Once I watched two young surgeons approach the serving line. After reading the posted menu and looking over the dishes displayed, one doctor turned to the other and remarked, "No doubt about it this calls for a culinary bypass." And they left.

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Paul R. Monfils

http://deephousepage.com/smilies/biggrinangel.gif
 
From limiwa ...

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch to the front of my shirt.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i306/eraney01/A-E/ER.jpg
 
 
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