Laughter is Contagious

[smoothdevil]

Perhaps that's because you're a man.

no .. not because I'm a man ... I did more than my share ... but for those genre of women ... if you want to be a carpet, there is always someone who will wipe their feet .... lol

 

[done_got_old]

no .. not because I'm a man ... I did more than my share ... but for those genre of women ... if you want to be a carpet, there is always someone who will wipe their feet .... lol

AMEN!

 

[smoothdevil]

AMEN!

I gather you were not that genre of woman ... lol lol

 

[curl4ever]

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
. . .

Dear smoothdevil,
You had me laughing uncontrollably. Thank goodness no one else was home at the time.
Many, many thanks!
- curl

 

[done_got_old]

I gather you were not that genre of woman ... lol lol

Hell no. I'm no one's doormat.

 

[smoothdevil]

Hell no. I'm no one's doormat.

well, not all men like doormats .... they are a tad boring .... lol lol

 

[wally2450]

There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing.
They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives.

However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and
he
went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.

His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that
to a girl will die that very minute!"

On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced
him
to one of the sweetest girls around town.

She knew that he had never been kissed before. When she eventually
got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted.
She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."

He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very
minute!!"

She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me." With that she
gave him a hot one square across the lips.

He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"

She said, "Why are you going to die?"

He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has
begun to get stiff!"

 

[molly_hunter28]

Children writing about the ocean--
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an Island . If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7)


4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)


14)-The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15)-My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

 

[vibes]

@ molly: really cute

 

[Guest]

Actual newspaper headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
4. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
10. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
11. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
12. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
13. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
14. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
15. Deer Kill 17,000
16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
17. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
18. Steals Clock, Faces Time
19. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
20. Include your Children when Baking Cookies

 

[smoothdevil]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital and was promptly
admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra
do for him, Doctor?'

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll
keep the sheets off his legs.'

 

[techsan]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you a nd Daddy get a divorce?'

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

 

[wally2450]

A marriage license should be like a fishing license. It expires every year and if you go out of state you can get a 3-day tourist license.

If you think about it, girls and fish have a lot in common. They are fun to catch and if you clean and prep them right, most are good to eat.

Also if you decide to mount one you know it's going to cost you plenty! If you bring one home (no matter how well you treat them) they start going bad and fresh ones are always better.

So practice catch-and-release.

 

[done_got_old]

A marriage license should be like a fishing license. It expires every year and if you go out of state you can get a 3-day tourist license.

If you think about it, girls and fish have a lot in common. They are fun to catch and if you clean and prep them right, most are good to eat.

Also if you decide to mount one you know it's going to cost you plenty! If you bring one home (no matter how well you treat them) they start going bad and fresh ones are always better.

So practice catch-and-release.

hahahaha

 

[done_got_old]

Never having learned to ride a bicycle as a child, I finally decided to do it in my late twenties. My boyfriend, William, offered to teach me, and we headed to the park for my first lesson. He held on to the seat as I wobbled down a path. My self-consciousness was just beginning to disappear when I saw a father, teaching his little daughter to ride a bike, approaching.

As we passed, I was mortified when William said to the dad, "They grow up so fast, don't they?"

 

[kayte]

An engaged woman, a mistress, and a married woman were chatting about their relationships and decided to surprise their men with a little sex play.

That night each wore a black leather S&M bodice, stiletto heels, and a mask.

The next day, they met for coffee to exchange stories.

The engaged woman said, 'My boyfriend came home, found me in my leather and said, 'You're the woman of my dreams. I love you!' and then we made love until dawn!'

The mistress said, 'Oh, yes! I met him in his office after work with just a raincoat on over my outfit. When I opened that raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just made wild passionate love all over his office, all night long.'

The married woman said, 'I sent the kids to Mom's for the night, got myself ready, but when my husband got home from work, he just grabbed a beer and the remote control, and then said, 'Hey Batman! What's for dinner?!' '

 

[techsan]

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.


-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.


//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.


####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.


********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky , and West Virginia )


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.


//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.


=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?



%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.


))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

 

[techsan]

Ponderisms:

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of
natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box
to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these
dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the
next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

But Most Of All, Remember!
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And
Always Close To Your Heart!

 

[kayte]

Scottish Humor (That Isn't From Scotland...)


A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.

'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.

'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.

'How much for a new one?'

'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

'The regiment has taken a vote,' says the Scot. 'We'll have a new one.'

 

[done_got_old]

Scottish Humor (That Isn't From Scotland...)


A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.

'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.

'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.

'How much for a new one?'

'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

'The regiment has taken a vote,' says the Scot. 'We'll have a new one.'

ROFLMFAO

 

[done_got_old]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass ..and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish

 

[kayte]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass ..and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.'

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: 'You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish

I love it! And yes I am Catholic.

 

[done_got_old]

I love it! And yes I am Catholic.

I remembered that you were. I knew you would find it funny.

 

[wally2450]

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their
first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play. The first
little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a
kiss and fill your soul with hope." The second little boy was to
reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot.

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys
were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be
filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on
the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain
goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two
boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher
whispered for them to begin.. Jacob yelled out these unforgettable
words..... "My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch! And
fill your hole with soap."

Zachary screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot
of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit... I never wanted to be in
this lousy play anyway..."

The audience
left howling!!!

 

[wally2450]

A young boy was out with his dad in the park when
he spotted a woman about to breastfeed her baby.
She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a very
large breast and popped the rosy nipple into the
child's mouth.

"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" the lad asked.

"Relax, son. She's just feeding him," the father replied.

"Get outta here!" the boy, exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat all
of that!"