Laughter is Contagious

[done_got_old]

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

 

[kayte]

Once upon a time a man told a small village, 'I will buy monkeys for $10 each.'

Since there were many monkeys in the forest, the villagers caught them and sold them to the man.

As the supply of monkeys diminished, the villagers' efforts slowed, so the man offered them $20 each.

They renewed their efforts but the supply of monkeys diminished further, so he increased his price to $25.

Soon no one could even find a monkey in the forest.

The man increased his price to $50, but announced, 'Since I must go to the city on business, I authorize my assistant to buy monkeys on my behalf.'

As soon as his boss was gone, the assistant told the villagers, 'My boss has collected lots of monkeys. I'll sell them to you for $35 and then, when he returns, you can sell them to him for $50.'

The villagers rounded up all the money they could and bought as many monkeys as possible. Then they had monkeys everywhere...

... but they never saw the man or his assistant again.

And now you understand the workings of the stock market!

 

[done_got_old]

Once upon a time a man told a small village, 'I will buy monkeys for $10 each.'

Since there were many monkeys in the forest, the villagers caught them and sold them to the man.

As the supply of monkeys diminished, the villagers' efforts slowed, so the man offered them $20 each.

They renewed their efforts but the supply of monkeys diminished further, so he increased his price to $25.

Soon no one could even find a monkey in the forest.

The man increased his price to $50, but announced, 'Since I must go to the city on business, I authorize my assistant to buy monkeys on my behalf.'

As soon as his boss was gone, the assistant told the villagers, 'My boss has collected lots of monkeys. I'll sell them to you for $35 and then, when he returns, you can sell them to him for $50.'

The villagers rounded up all the money they could and bought as many monkeys as possible. Then they had monkeys everywhere...

... but they never saw the man or his assistant again.

And now you understand the workings of the stock market!

Now I understand.

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/F/banister.gif​

 

[curl4ever]

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
. . .

Thanks, smooth!
Those were priceless (and precious)!
- curl


P.S. And then I read the one about the church bells...
Just TOO funny!!!

 

[Almostasaint]

A young boy runs home after school
and tells his father that he has a part in the school play
his father asks him what part he has got
the boy tells him, he will be playing a man married for 25 years
his father smiles and says " dont worry son, next year you will get a speaking part "

 

[done_got_old]

Farting in a Women's Toilet


be patient, it might take a minute to load

 

[techsan]

Farting in a Women's Toilet


be patient, it might take a minute to load

OHMIGOSH! What a riot! I've got tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard.

 

[techsan]

13


Had to send this, for some reason I got a good chuckle from it.


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the
patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks
and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

 

[unregistered051808]

Do you like to laugh at real life ... or at least smile frequently? Since my sex life is not nearly as satisfying as I'd like (even throwing in the benefits of Literotica and a few other sites), I find laughter to be a great way to help get through the days.

I'd like to know what makes you laugh (or at least smile) when you haven't got sex on your mind. There are all kinds of things out there, from jokes to funny pictures to whatever tickles your fancy.

I'm gonna start off with one that had me ROFLMFAO. I'll bet some of your ladies especially have had hubbies/bf/so's who have done some things just as good as these...tell us about them, huh? If something here makes you laugh, let me know about it. If you've got something that made you laugh, share it with the rest of us.


Here's a list of fourteen things a man can do at the supermarket while his wife/gf/partner/female friend/mother is taking her time:

01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.

02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.

04. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens.

05. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.

06. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

07. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.

08. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

09. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

lol i read that some guy got banned for life from Kmart for doing this

 

[done_got_old]

New version of "I will Survive"

SING IT GIRLS!!!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that
I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there w! as no A naconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

 

[kayte]

New version of "I will Survive"

SING IT GIRLS!!!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that
I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there w! as no A naconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

That is marvelous! Thank you DGO!

 

[wally2450]

Long ago... Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot...

Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me, For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn. We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn. We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since. We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me Me. Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney. And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to seeA boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me Me. We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,And when they made a movie, they never made it twice. We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me Me. Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp, And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp. We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T ,And Oprah couldn't talk, yet, in the Land That Made Me Me. We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe. For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me Me. We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson, and Zeppelins were not Led. And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,Madonna was a virgin in the Land That Made Me Me. We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars. And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,And dorms were never coed in the Land That Made Me Me. We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag. And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea, And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me Me. Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks. And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me Me. We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill StreetBlues,We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal teaOr prime-time ads for condoms in the Land That Made Me Me. There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill. And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me Me. But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A. They send us invitations to join AARP,We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me Me. So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines. And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me Me. And thanks for the memories...

 

[smoothdevil]

So simple yet so profound.

Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson:

'I have outlived my dick.'

 

[smoothdevil]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She
was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny,
and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her, so we put her in a carrier and took her to
the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would
let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash
her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that
wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my
husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,
with my husband getting in the last word on this particular
occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is
located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to
see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had
obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your
wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and
now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.
God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

Now, THAT, my friends, is getting even!

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/S/sit.gif

 

[CCaprice]

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/S/sit.gif

 

[wally2450]

Jill and John were driving down the road and John swerved slightly
to
go past a pretty blonde jogging.

Jill said, "Did you see her?"

"Well, yeah." said John.

"That really gets me. I've never understood that about women. She
was
wearing a necklace, two bracelets, hoop earrings, her nails were
freshly polished with Salerno Mavala nail polish, she'd recently
spritzed Chanel behind her ears, and she was wearing Yves Saint
Laurent lip gloss!" Jill said.

"You noticed all that?" asked John.

"Yes I did. You didn't?" replied Jill.

John said, "Not exactly. All I noticed was that she had legs all the

way up to her very well rounded cute little butt."

 

[BoomerP]

Here's this stupid joke someone would use to tease me with. It's really lame

3 kids are going ice skating.
First goes the norwegian and falls
"Owww I broke my leg"
Second comes the sweed and falls
"Oww I broke my arm"
Third comes the chinese and falls
"Ching chong I think I broke my ding dong"

 

[done_got_old]

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore ----- under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly --- wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."

 

[done_got_old]

WARNING! GRAPHIC PHOTO.






THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE (CHILLING!)










































http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/S/lard_ass.jpg

 

[smoothdevil]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island..

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again...

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, “Yeah, would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

 

[done_got_old]

For the last departmental picnic, management decided that due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.





http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/M/why_I_was_fired.jpg




I was fired for ordering the cups. ​

 

[smoothdevil]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The old Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering obscenities, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back.

'Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie!.'

 

[done_got_old]

Male vs. Female ATM

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.



Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.



After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."



********************** ******



MALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.





*********** ********* ********* **

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back age.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.