Laughter is Contagious

[curl4ever]

Very funny gems

Dear d_g_o and smoothdevil,
I was out of town for a few days and returned to find some very funny gems:

New version of "I will Survive"

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
. . .

For the last departmental picnic, management decided that due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.
. . .

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
. . .

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island..
. . .

Thank you very very much!
- curl

 

[done_got_old]

Dear d_g_o and smoothdevil,
I was out of town for a few days and returned to find some very funny gems:Thank you very very much!
- curl

You are so welcome curl.......everyone should laugh at least once a day!

 

[wally2450]

"Hello, help desk."

"Yes, this is Mrs. Duffy on the sixth floor. I want to report a
violation of company policy."

"What seems to be the trouble, Mrs. Duffy?"

"I have found some of the computers in the office here are being
used to look at orgies."

"We have filtering software on the network that prevents sites like
that from being displayed."

"Well, I just sat down at one of the computers and clicked on the
bookmarks."

"And there's a list of pornographic sites?"

"I should say so. Quite a few."

"They should be blocked by the filter. Did you click on them?"

"I didn't have to. They say dot O-R-G and I've been around long
enough to know what that means."

 

[wally2450]

Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher
decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she
rang the bell, Little Johnny opened the door. The teacher
said, "Hello,
Johnny. I would like to talk to your mother or your father."

Little Johnny said, "Sorry, but they ain't here."

The teacher said, "Johnny, what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," said Little Johnny, "but dad sure was mad that
they had t'go bail her out again."

 

[kayte]

Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher
decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she
rang the bell, Little Johnny opened the door. The teacher
said, "Hello,
Johnny. I would like to talk to your mother or your father."

Little Johnny said, "Sorry, but they ain't here."

The teacher said, "Johnny, what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," said Little Johnny, "but dad sure was mad that
they had t'go bail her out again."

LMAO! Happy Hump Day {{{{{Wally}}}}} Thank you for the funnies.

 

[kayte]

A couple has a dog that snores.



Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.



The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles,

and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says.



A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.


The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.



Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.



Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!

The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.



He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.



The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.



So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.



Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.



As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.



He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.


He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers...



'I don't know where we were ....



Or what we did ...



But, by God ..



We took first and second place!

 

[wally2450]

A couple has a dog that snores.



Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.



The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles,

and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says.



A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.


The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.



Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.



Sure enough, the dog stops snoring!

The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.



He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.



The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.



So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.



Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.



As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.



He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.


He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers...



'I don't know where we were ....



Or what we did ...



But, by God ..



We took first and second place!

 

[wally2450]

HOW TO Upset THOSE NORTHERN YANKEES

** Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

** Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

** When giving directions, finish with, "It's right down
yonder on the left. Ya can't miss it."

** When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em
"Delta's ready when you are!"

** Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.

** Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't
have it, raise a ruckus.

** Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

** Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names.
(e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob...)

** Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in
conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War,"
always interject that "There was nothing civil about it."

** Address all males as "Son" and females as "Little Lady."

** Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example:
It's "pee-can."

** Put Tabasco on everything.

** For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New
York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm
from upstate New Yoik!" say, "Well, I'll be; my wife has always
wanted to see a Broadway show!"

** When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with
a box of Moon Pies - banana ones.

** Name all of your children "Bubba." (Or as George Foreman
did... George)

** Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.

** "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school.

** "Fetch" something.

** Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin' to do" something.

** Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

** Be sure to include "Yes/No, Ma'am/Sir" in all conversations.

** Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions.
"Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where
the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a
Amoco or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there."

** Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you
went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

** Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time.

 

[CCaprice]

HOW TO Upset THOSE NORTHERN YANKEES...

 

[techsan]

MARRIED TOO LONG!

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?’

 

[done_got_old]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

 

[kayte]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

Now that is absolutely priceless!

 

[done_got_old]

Now that is absolutely priceless!

Then you'll love this next one.

 

[done_got_old]

Thereʼs this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.

On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ʽThank Godʼ to make it go and ʽAmenʼ to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking.

Then he says, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and heʼs doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".

 

[kayte]

Then you'll love this next one.

Thereʼs this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.

On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ʽThank Godʼ to make it go and ʽAmenʼ to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking.

Then he says, "Thank God, thank God, " and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and heʼs doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!" Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".

ROTFLMAO! You are so right!

 

[Guest]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BUDDHA:Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road and there was much rejoicing.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken is a matter of relativity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will also lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook; and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken 2000.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one???

 

[wally2450]

You're Old When... • You can live without s**, but not without your glasses. • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. • You enjoy watching the news. • The phone rings, and you hope it's not for you. • The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion. • You're proud of your lawnmower. • You start singing along with elevator music. • You really DO want a new washing machine for your birthday. • You routinely check the oil in your car. • You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style - TWICE. • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. • You consider coffee one of the most important things in life. • 8 am is your idea of 'sleeping in'. • You write thank you notes without being told. • Neighbors borrow your tools. • You answer a question with, "Because I said so!" • Others ask for your recipes. • You start Christmas shopping in August. • You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back. • You don't like to drive after dark. • You say the words, "Turn that music down!" too often. • You point out what buildings used to be where. • You know all the warning signs of a heart attack. • You rake the yard without being told to. • You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. • The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.

 

[done_got_old]

One-liners

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing . . .

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !

 

[smoothdevil]

a lady friend sent me this ... the ex lady friend ... lol

BBQ RULES




We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:


Routine


(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.


(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.


Here comes the important part:


(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…


(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.


(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he
deals with the situation.

Important again:


(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO
THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.


(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:


(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his
cooking efforts.


(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

 

[done_got_old]

BBQ RULES


The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

She's the dumb ass for doing the work and letting him think he'd done something. I watched my mother solve that problem........all we had for dinner that night was meat and she did have a day off.

 

[smoothdevil]

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?


Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?


Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)


-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10




6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7


-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7


-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )




8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is........

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 9

 

[smoothdevil]

She's the dumb ass for doing the work and letting him think he'd done something. I watched my mother solve that problem........all we had for dinner that night was meat and she did have a day off.

I don't disagree with you on that one ... lol lol lol

 

[done_got_old]

I don't disagree with you on that one ... lol lol lol

That's like a woman complaining that her man can't give her an orgasm.........and all the time she fakes it.

 

[smoothdevil]

That's like a woman complaining that her man can't give her an orgasm.........and all the time she fakes it.

now I wouldn't go that far ... lol ... it's all in the taste ... lol

 

[done_got_old]

now I wouldn't go that far ... lol ... it's all in the taste ... lol

Perhaps that's because you're a man.