Laughter is Contagious

[wally2450]

At a convention of oilmen, the speaker from Texas called
the neighboring state of Oklahoma an "Outlying province
of Texas."

The next speaker, an Oklahoman, started off his talk with,
"First of all, there ain't no state that can out-lie
Texas."

 

[kayte]

Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days And Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town. After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel.

The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And Whispers To Her Manager, 'go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In Each Bed.
These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My Girls On Them. They Won't Know The Difference.'

The Manager Does As She Is Told And The Two Old Men Go Upstairs And Take Care Of Their Business.
As They Are Walking Home The First Man Says, 'you Know, I Think My Girl Was Dead!'

'dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say That?
'well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was Loving Her.' His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch.'
' A Witch, Why The Hell Would You Say That?'

'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck And I Gave Her A Little Bite, Then She Farted And Flew Out The Window..., Takin My Teeth With Her

 

[kayte]

A Lifetime of taking a Woman to Bed.


At 8 years old, you take her to bed and tell her a story to get to sleep.

At 18, you tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28, you don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38, she tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48, she tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58, you stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68, if you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78, What story?? What bed?? Who the hell are you???

 

[done_got_old]

This is too true to be funny!

The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR
tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of its releases.


A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1977.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes,
at the rate our government
is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain,
let's take a look at New Orleans
It's amazing what you can learn
with some simple division

Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D),
is presently asking the Congress for
$250 BILLION
to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number,
what does it mean?
A.
Well, if you are one of
484,674 residents of
New Orleans
(every man, woman, child),
you each get $516,528.
B.
Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.
C.
Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets
$2,066,012.
Washington, D. C
< HELLO! >
Are all your calculators broken??​

 

[smoothdevil]

HOW to SAVE the AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?




Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

 

[smoothdevil]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies," he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone"

 

[wally2450]

The Socialite telephoned her son-in-law and was berating him for the
rumors she'd heard about his affair with a typist who worked for him.

"You obviously don't appreciate the difference between a woman of
breeding and position and a cheap little office slut." his
mother-in-Law admonished him.

The man replied, "And you my dear Mother Johnson obviously don't
appreciate the difference between dignified acquiescence and true
enthusiastic cooperation."

 

[wally2450]

A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people had been killed. As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.

"You can understand what I'm saying?"asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

"Well, did you see what happened?"

The monkey nodded. He pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey nodded. The monkey then pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking deeply.

"They were smoking marijuana too?" asked the officer.

The monkey nodded. He made a sexual sign with his fingers

"So they were playing around as well!?" asked the astounded officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smokiing and playing around before they wrecked the car?"

The monkey nodded.

"What were you doing during all this?" asked the officer.

The monkey held up his hands on an imaginary steering wheel.

 

[done_got_old]

Dinner

 

[done_got_old]

Concert

 

[done_got_old]

Hospital

 

[done_got_old]

Brownie

 

[CCaprice]

Brownie

Great series!

 

[smoothdevil]

the guy's side of the story
( I must admit it's pretty good)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. These are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.
Pumpkin i s also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you sa y "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[techsan]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

The second kid replies, 'Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'

 

[done_got_old]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

 

[wally2450]

Great series!

Right out of Caddyshack!

 

[wally2450]

For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. Now,
at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage
to ask her the most momentous of all questions.

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a
bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when
one longs for the companionship of another being, a
being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom
one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind
and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's
joys and sorrows."

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's
eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, Lynn
responded, "I think it's a great idea! Can I help you
choose which puppy to buy?"

 

[wally2450]

Bubba decided to visit Colorado to do something he could
never do back home....snow skiing.

Unfortunately for Bubba, before he was even able to make it
up the hill, he was knocked unconscious by the chairlift.

As soon as he could, he called his insurance company from
the hospital only to be told that they were refusing to
cover his injury.

"What do you mean?!?" Bubba screamed. "Why wouldn't you
cover an injury like this?"

"You got hit in the head with a chairlift," the insurance
rep. explained. "That makes you a moron.......and we
consider that to be a pre-existing condition."

 

[done_got_old]

SIGNS THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR MARRIAGE


* The FBI is regularly called in to settle arguments.

* You have his n' hers bathrooms.

* New jars have appeared in the kitchen, labelled "Anthrax" and "Cyanide."

* Your in-laws are placing bets on who will get the house.

* Your spouse has a picture of you hanging on the dartboard.

* Family outings consist of you being chased out of the house by your spouse with a carving knife.

* You are desperate for your in-laws to visit so you can have someone else on which to vent your sarcastic remarks.

* Your spouse no longer reads novels in bed but stays up late studying the small print in your life insurance policy.

 

[done_got_old]

My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."

 

[wally2450]

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can 't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR..............

# 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.

 

[wally2450]

A workout for the grey matter! Answers follow all 5 1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

Answers:1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

 

[wally2450]

More Of, You Might Be A Redneck If...

121. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.

122. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

123. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

124. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.

125. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.

126. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

127. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.

128. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

129. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

130. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

131. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

132. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

133. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

134. Red Man sends you a Christmas card.

135. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

136. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

137. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

138. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

139. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

140. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

 

[AphroditeReborn]

A workout for the grey matter! Answers follow all 5 1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

Answers:1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

I got # 4