Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

we all know about cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons', where: means a smile and means a frown. Fortunately, someone has come up with a different set of these little symbols for adults that, for lack of a better term, are called 'butticons'. So, without further ado, here's the latest butticon collection:

1. (_!_) = a regular ass.

2. (__!__) = a fat ass.

3. (!) = a tight ass.

4. (_*_) = a sore ass.

5. {_!_} = a swishy ass.

6. (_o_) = an ass that's been around.

7. (_x_) = kiss my ass!

8. (_X_) = leave my ass alone!

9. (_zzz_) = a tired ass.

10. (_E=mc2_) = a smart ass.

11. (_$_) = money coming out of his, or her, ass.

12. (_?_) = dumb ass.

 

[kayte]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic
delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just
be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the lady
being given the reading stared at the mystic's lined face, then at
the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a
few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She
met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"

{{{{{{{{{Wally}}}}}}}}} Thank you! That is priceless!

 

[wally2450]

A PGA professional golfer, in an awful car crash, was rushed to the
hospital where the surgeon told the pro he had lost his right arm...
but that he had good news.

The despondent pro said, "There goes my life, Doc."

"Not necessarily, my good man." answered the doctor. He said that a
lady, a very nice Jewish lady, before dying had donated all of her
organs and body parts to anyone who was in need. The surgeon said he
could transplant the lady's right arm to the pro golfer.

The pro became ecstatic and the operation was a success.

Three months later, the pro visited the doctor to tell him his new
hand and arm had him winning tournaments right and left.

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that, Doc, but my handwriting has improved a thousand
percent, I've also taken up oil painting and sold my first canvas
for
$3000.00."

"Unbelievable." said the doctor. "I'm so glad the transplant was
such
a success."

"But there is one problem." the golf pro said.

"What's that?" asked the surgeon.

"Every time I touch my privates, I get a horrible headache."

 

[wally2450]

As parents, the major part of our duty is to prepare our
children for successful adulthood. That is not easy. One
does not know at what stage of a child's life they begin
to process information that will adhere to their psyche
and become part of the foundation that their personalities
will be built on.

I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To
be sure, we teach at very early ages that hot water burns
and knives cut.

So I was sitting with my eight-year-old daughter, listening
to her chatter on and on at about 100 miles per hour, when
I decided it was a perfect time for a life lesson.

"Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her little
hands in mine. "You're boring the ever-loving fuck outta me
with all this talk. How do you ever expect to keep a husband
if you talk so damned much?"

 

[kayte]

Bob


Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin'?'

Bob's wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

Bob's wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her,' said Bob, 'she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi, Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries to desperately explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


Bob's funeral is on Tuesday.

 

[done_got_old]

The Sunday School teacher described how Lot's wife looked back at Sodom and was turned into a pillar of salt.

Suddenly Jimmy interrupted. "My mom looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

 

[whalee]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing
through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then
120.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled
over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his
watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you
can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you
go.'
The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off with
a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

 

[molly_hunter28]

http://www.print.duncans.tv/images/kleenex-beer.jpg

 

[wally2450]

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he
asked his super hero friends for ideas on where he
could get a bit of action.
"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"
"Well Superman, everyone knows that
Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland.
Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.

"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends.
So I don't really want to take advantage of her."

"Damn shame." said Batman as he waved goodbye to
Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a
city when he saw the Green Lantern.

"Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're
a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in
comicland?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is
far and away the best lay in comicland, why don't you try her?"


"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but
I didn't realize she had gotten around so much." and
he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a
field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the
middle of the field, with her legs apart.

Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a
speeding bullet,
I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here."

So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder
Woman stared up into the sky with a
dazed ___expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass
is killing me."

 

[wally2450]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing
through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then
120.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled
over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his
watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you
can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you
go.'
The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off with
a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

 

[limiwa]

thank you for making me lol.

 

[done_got_old]

Hamburger anyone?

 

[done_got_old]

why men do not write advice columns


Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we've been married for 12 years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from
his job six months ago, and stated he's feeling depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Anne




Dear Anne,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
Walter

 

[wally2450]

Here's something that's causing a huge scandal...
In India, a sex video of two, young, attractive
people from India has been going around the
Internet shocking the country. It's two young
people from India having sex. So it looks as if
even Paris Hilton's job is being outsourced. -
Jay Leno

 

[wally2450]

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips


"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde


"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

 

[done_got_old]

Cell Phone Tracker

 

[curl4ever]

Cell Phone Tracker

YIKES! This is funny, but also very scary that anyone can track you by your cell phone. I didn't try it, but I did google it to find its reputation on other sites, and it seems legit.

I appreciate your posting this as a vital public service!
- curl

 

[curl4ever]

Cell Phone Tracker

Sorry for doubting you, d_g_o!
Despite my conspiracy-theory misgivings, I went ahead and tried it.

I am completely amazed by the resolution!

Damn, technology is amazing!
- curl

 

[smoothdevil]

Theft Problem - IMPORTANT MESSAGE:

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick.
The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original!
I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me!
The next time someone you know has something lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs.
I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.
Now I keep them hidden in my waistband

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: FW: Lovemaking Tips for Seniors


1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 2 minutes, just in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand just in case you can't
remember.

6. Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the
bed.

7. Have Extra-Strength Tylenol ready just in case you actually complete what you started.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it happens, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

* A French Scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with declining sexual activity read their e-mails with their right hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off, it's too
late......

 

[smoothdevil]

Revenge

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Tawana. So THAT'S the girl I want!'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He

headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!

 

[done_got_old]

Redneck Seafood Dinner!

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/M/redneck-seafood-dinner.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots. "Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where did you get them?"

"At the store," she answered.

"Which one?" I asked.

She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them."

 

[wally2450]

A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to dothat, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up yourdate later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to giveher. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more youget!"So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates.She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long,passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed herfingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss thathe had ever received.After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door."Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away.""You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewelry!"

 

[kayte]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11


year old next door whose bedroom looks like ‘Mission Control,’ and


asked him to come over.



Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.


As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”


He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”


I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An, ID


ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.”


Richard grinned.... “Haven't you ever heard of ID ten T errors


before?”


“No,” I replied. “Write it down,” he said, “and I think you'll figure it out.”


So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ... I used to like the little shit....