Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ...

'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'

 

[done_got_old]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ...

'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'

OMG

 

[kayte]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee,' she said.

'Where?', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole,' she replied.

The golf pro nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide.'

 

[done_got_old]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee,' she said.

'Where?', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole,' she replied.

The golf pro nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide.'

 

[kayte]

Nicknames:

If Laura, Kate and Sarah get together, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Larry, Dave and Kirk get together, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


Money:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


Bathrooms:

A man has six items in a bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

A typical woman has an average number of 337 items in a bathroom. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


The Future:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

[wally2450]

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and
before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a
minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he
unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if
a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door
hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that
isn't for me.

"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't
seem to find the hole, then that means he is
inexperienced and that isn't for me either."

Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"

John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do
anything else, I lick the lock."

 

[kayte]

The Hoo-Hoo video

 

[smoothdevil]

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.



What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'



The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone.'

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, ; 'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse! For the last time . . . BRING POSSEE'!

 

[smoothdevil]

Facts about SEX


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
- P. J. O Rourke

"Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing."
- Dick Brandon

"All pop music is about sex. Rock is about wanting to do it, jazz is about doing it, and country and western is about feeling guilty after you've done it."
- Robert Waldo Brunelle, Jr.

 

[smoothdevil]

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic....



"Try to do it when the engine is running."

 

[curl4ever]

Facts about SEX


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
- P. J. O Rourke

"Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing."
- Dick Brandon

"All pop music is about sex. Rock is about wanting to do it, jazz is about doing it, and country and western is about feeling guilty after you've done it."
- Robert Waldo Brunelle, Jr.

Very nice! Thanks smoothdevil!
- curl

 

[luvitlong]

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home.
They undressed and were about to screw, The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.
"I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said.
The man replied, "thats good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

 

[done_got_old]

There are less than six months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.

To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike. If you support the policies and character of Barack Obama, please drive with your headlights on during the day. If you support McCain, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Thanks for your support!

 

[curl4ever]

If you support the policies and character of Barack Obama, please drive with your headlights on during the day. If you support McCain, please drive with your headlights off at night.

<hearty guffaw> Very nice!
- curl

 

[smoothdevil]

Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young they were both in very good health largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing, remember, this is your reward in Heaven".

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven, St. Peter replied. You can play for free every day."

Next they went to the Club House and saw the lavish buffet lunch laid out before them, from seafood to steak to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. This all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat, low cholesterol foods and decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part" St. Peter replied. "You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to" was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself".





The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your Bran Muffins. We could have been here ten years ago".

 

[done_got_old]

She might be in trouble.

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/TH/trouble.gif

 

[wally2450]

A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw
a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to
the penis. "Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother. "I
want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's
attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.
"I want one just like that," she kept repeating. At last the mother
said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when
you grow up, you will have one." "And if I'm bad?" asked the little
one. "Then," answered the mother, "You will have many."

 

[smoothdevil]

A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw
a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to
the penis. "Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother. "I
want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's
attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.
"I want one just like that," she kept repeating. At last the mother
said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when
you grow up, you will have one." "And if I'm bad?" asked the little
one. "Then," answered the mother, "You will have many."

ahh .... l'amour .... lol

 

[kayte]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St.
Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white
with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white
with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God
straighten out your query for you?' The zebra looked puzzled.
'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are
white with black stripes.'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would
have said, 'You is what you is.'

 

[done_got_old]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St.
Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white
with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white
with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God
straighten out your query for you?' The zebra looked puzzled.
'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are
white with black stripes.'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would
have said, 'You is what you is.'

I is laughing my FAO!

 

[done_got_old]

The Wisdom of Larry the cable guy......



1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Estate Planning......


Bart was a single guy living at home with his widowed father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to gain some financial knowledge and also a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. Afterwards he approached her, "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.



Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!!!!

 

[done_got_old]

http://www.literacyrules.com/images/84-year-old-bride.jpg

 

[done_got_old]

Never Let Your Mother In Law Do The Wedding Invitation

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/TH/invitation.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would
not say "I love you," even if explicitly asked to
do so. The only exception, she said, was when
they were in fact in the act of making love.
Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words.

I suggested that she should not take too much
comfort in the exception. When making love, I
explained, men will say anything. "He'd tell you
he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks
you want to hear," I told her.

The conversation rattled on from there.

A couple of weeks later, she related the
following. "We were in bed, making love and I
said, 'Tell me you love me'."

He said, "I love you."

I said, "Tell me you're the Easter Bunny."

He stopped for a second, and said, "I'm the Easter Bunny."

"So I slapped him."