Laughter is Contagious

[wally2450]

While shopping in a store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer,
wine, and
liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have
one, but
that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun
replied
that she would handle that without problem. She picked up a six-pack
and
took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for
washing our
hair." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
counter and
put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The
curlers are
on me."

 

[done_got_old]

Why men shouldn't buy their own underwear!

 

[smoothdevil]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In

order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to

purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.


Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I

decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul

it home.'


The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides

she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no

less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her

sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram

to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her

to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul

it home.'


The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then

adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull,

the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one

word.


After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send

her the word 'comfortable.'


The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you

want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to

haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word

'comfortable?'





The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly....

'com-for-da-bul.'

 

[smoothdevil]

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word "service".

Internal Revenue "Service"
U.S. Postal "Service"
Telephone "Service"
Television "Service"
Civil "Service"
City & County Public "Service"
Customer "Service"
and "Service" Stations



Today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few cows.

Then it all came into perspective.

I now understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

 

[done_got_old]

*Signs that the Starship Enterprise is Nearing the End of Its Warranty*

- Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.

- Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".

- Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.

- Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.

- Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".

- Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.

- Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.

- Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.

- Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.

- Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.

- Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.

- Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.

- Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.

 

[wally2450]

Aboard the USS TARAWA for six months, my brother Don posted a picture of his beloved truck in his locker. Since his fellow Marines had pictures of their girlfriends posted, they often ridiculed him for his object of adoration. "Laugh all you want," Don told them."At least my truck will still be there when I get home."
__________________

 

[done_got_old]

Hooked on Phonics

My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!' And so it does...

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/T/elephant.jpg
'African Elephant'​

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

 

[kayte]

My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!' And so it does...

http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/T/elephant.jpg
'African Elephant'​

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

This one is absolutely priceless!

 

[smoothdevil]

An actual letter to the passport office.

Dear Bureaucrats:

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? For crying out loud, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert
and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!

I apologize; I'm just really upset this morning. Between you an' me, I've
had enough of this crap - just look at the incredible lack of common sense here!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address!! What the hell is going on? You must have a gang of Neanderthals working there! Just look at
my picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for
crying out loud. I just want to go and park my butt on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a crap whether I plan
on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something
weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell
anyone! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the freaking city and get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60.

And that brings up another point. Would it be so complicated to have all
the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the
same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too darn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather
have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then
find some dork to confirm that it's really me on the picture - you know, the one
where we're not allowed to smile?! ( freakin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile?
We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 . I
have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security
clearances up the ying yang.

However, I have to get someone "important" to
verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor... WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST CHINA!!

Sincerely,

You Sure Should Know Who.

 

[groovenut31]

Quote of the Day

"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Fart, and you're on your own."

 

[smoothdevil]

Announcement



The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer , ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

 

[wally2450]

George Burns told a story about cheating on his wife once during their marriage. He kept it to himself, but he felt so bad that he bought Gracie a beautiful diamond bracelet. Finally, after several years had gone by, he confessed to Gracie about his indiscretion. She said, "I know. I was hoping you'd do it again. I wanted a ring to match."

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles. Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning. After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"

 

[wally2450]

A fellow drank with friends until they closed the bar. He staggered home about 2 o'clock and was met at the door by his wife. She was madder than heck and wanted to know where he had been all night.... He said, "I have been bird watching!" She said, "Bull sh*t! What kind of bird is out at this time of night for you to watch??" He said, "A double breasted, red-headed, mattress thrasher!"

 

[kayte]

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)...

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it
hit me.


2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old
was resisting a
rest.


3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut
off? He's all
right now.


4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.


5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at
large.


6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.


7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A


8. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He
did a number on it!


9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes
was on shaky
ground.


10. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.


11. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.


12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is just two-tired.


13. A will is a dead giveaway


14. A backward poet writes inverse.


15. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.


16. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.


17. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France ,
resulted in linoleum
blownapart.


18. He broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.


19. A calendar's days are numbered.


20. A boiled egg is hard to beat.



21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine


22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.


23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.


24. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

 

[done_got_old]

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)...

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it
hit me.


2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old
was resisting a
rest.


3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut
off? He's all
right now.


4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.


5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at
large.


6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.


7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A


8. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He
did a number on it!


9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes
was on shaky
ground.


10. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.


11. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.


12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is just two-tired.


13. A will is a dead giveaway


14. A backward poet writes inverse.


15. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.


16. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.


17. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France ,
resulted in linoleum
blownapart.


18. He broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.


19. A calendar's days are numbered.


20. A boiled egg is hard to beat.



21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine


22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.


23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.


24. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

very good

 

[done_got_old]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

 

[smoothdevil]

Maxime ............ my fav


To all my friends and family members,
Please take note and abide by the following:


I, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
My computer
Cup of coffee

Sex

Margarita
Chocolate
Fried Chicken
Cold Beer
Chocolate

Sex

Chicken fried steak
Cream gravy
Chocolate
Mexican food
Chocolate

Sex

Chocolate
Pizza

Sex

Ice cream
My computer
Chocolate

Sex

Chocolate

...it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person, and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!

 

[kayte]

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was " Political Correctness".

The winner wrote:

"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

 

[done_got_old]

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was " Political Correctness".

The winner wrote:

"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

I love it!

 

[wally2450]

Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple. Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby, and set to work. Nine months later, the fruits of their labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why they hadn't parented a black baby. Realizing that John was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked, "Is your wanker at least a foot long?" John had to admit that it was not. "And is it at least four inches wide?" Once more John replied in the negative. "Well, man, there's your problem!" the guy slapped him on the back. "You let in too much light

 

[smoothdevil]

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was " Political Correctness".

The winner wrote:

"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

LMAO .... the sad part is that it is so true ....

 

[kayte]

MEN are from Mars.....

The Moment


One night, Suzanne found her husband just standing, staring at the crib while their baby girl slept.

She saw his face register disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, wonder, enchantment, and concern.

Touched by his unusual emotional display, she slipped her arms around him and whispered, 'A penny for your thoughts.'

He softly replied, 'I'm amazed that they can make a crib like that for only forty bucks!'

 

[done_got_old]

Spanking children​

Most of America 's populace thinks it's improper to spank children. The other day I was talking to one of my younger buddies about methods used to discipline children.

We talked about "time outs", grounding, holding back "rewards" until the child displayed desired behavior etc. One of the things we discussed was the act of spanking and my friend explained that no, he does not spank any of his children.

He explained that what he does is to take the misbehaving child out for a ride in the car and talk. He said that usually this works and that the child calms down fairly quickly and really doesn't take too much time.

By removing the child, in this case his son, from the immediate situation and providing a change of scenery, the child is allowed to focus on something different. Once the child has the opportunity to change perspective, things get better quickly and the child has better understanding of his place within the family and begins to understand the family's concept of acceptable behavior.

He kindly shared a picture of the process which I share with you now (scroll down).
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.


http://www.literacyrules.com/Literotica/T/child-on-car.jpg

 

[kayte]

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man' s feet . The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstere d his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever French kiss a mule square in the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."



The lessons from this story are:


1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old guys

 

[kayte]

Military Humor


The Commanding Officer of a U.S. Marine Corps regiment was waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, so he decided to kill a little time by asking all assembled a question.

'How much of sex is work and how much is pleasure?'

The X.O. said 75% work, 25% pleasure.

A captain said 50-50.

A lieutenant responded 25% work, 75% pleasure, depending on how drunk he was at the time.

With no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC in charge of making coffee.

'What's your opinion, son?'

Without hesitation, the young man responded,

'100% pleasure, sir!'

The colonel was surprised. 'Why?'

'Because, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me do it for them!'