smoothdevil
devilishnice
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LMAO .....
Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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LMAO .....
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
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"You seem to have a cracked vertebrae," the Emergency Room doctor told the high-school-aged boy. "What happened?" "Well, you see," the teenager replied, "I was kissing my girl goodnight and damned if her brother didn't come out the door and step right in the middle of my back."
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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Dinner Party + Kindergartener + Interesting Table Settings= Hilarity
This one was relayed to me by email.
When I was five years old, I learned to read, and there was no stopping me. I was a bookworm from day one, and delighted in exercising my new talent by reading everything in sight, from cereal boxes to the labels on bottles of dish soap. One day, I opened a drawer in the restroom and read aloud, "Napkins." I asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the restroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary explanations, she merely said, "I use them only once a month."
Now, it's important to note that, aside from her children, my mother's greatest joy was the local social scene. She belonged to several clubs: The Rotary Club, a book club, a ladies' tennis club, and a group of "ladies who lunch," among others. Every time it was Mom's turn to host one of her clubs' meetings, she hosted a dinner party and spent at least a week fussing over menus, making table decorations, and cleaning the house from top to bottom. Around the same time that I began reading, my mother took it upon herself to pass this art down to me.
I was given a number of small jobs to do in preparation for the meeting of the book club. I felt very proud to be allowed to help plan the dinner, especially because our pastor and his wife had recently joined my mother's book club. At that age, I saw the pastor as a celebrity of sorts, and I held his wife in the highest regard.
When the day of the much-anticipated party finally came, I was dressed in my Sunday best, every hair in place, and I had one last job to do. While my mother labored in the kitchen preparing an elaborate meal, I was to set the table. I had rehearsed this routine several times under my mother's watchful eye, and I knew it back to front. I knew just which fork was for which course, where to place each wine glass, and why each guest needed both a small and a large plate.
When the guests began to appear, my mother directed me to show them into the sitting room to chat until everyone arrived. She remained in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on her cupcakes. A few minutes later, when all the guests were present, my mother rushed over and directed them toward the dining room. The pastor entered first, followed by his wife.
Immediately, the pastor burst into gales of laughter. His wife gasped, then began giggling. The other guests were close on their heels, and soon the dining room was filled with guffaws. Finally, my mother came in behind her guests, and nearly died of embarrassment as soon as she saw just how carefully I had set the table.
At each guest's place was a single special napkin from my mother's bathroom drawer, carefully tucked under the edge of each plate, with the salad, dinner, and dessert forks arranged atop the napkins. I had even tucked their little tails under, so the "napkins" wouldn't hang off the edge of the table.
My mother, blushing furiously, took me by the hand and pulled me back into the sitting room. She asked in hushed tones, "Why, dear, did you put those napkins on the dinner table?"
I answered, proudly, in a voice that surely carried to the dining room, "I remembered, Mama, when you told me that you use those once a month. That's when the book club meets!"
This one was relayed to me by email.
When I was five years old, I learned to read, and there was no stopping me. I was a bookworm from day one, and delighted in exercising my new talent by reading everything in sight, from cereal boxes to the labels on bottles of dish soap. One day, I opened a drawer in the restroom and read aloud, "Napkins." I asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the restroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary explanations, she merely said, "I use them only once a month."
Now, it's important to note that, aside from her children, my mother's greatest joy was the local social scene. She belonged to several clubs: The Rotary Club, a book club, a ladies' tennis club, and a group of "ladies who lunch," among others. Every time it was Mom's turn to host one of her clubs' meetings, she hosted a dinner party and spent at least a week fussing over menus, making table decorations, and cleaning the house from top to bottom. Around the same time that I began reading, my mother took it upon herself to pass this art down to me.
I was given a number of small jobs to do in preparation for the meeting of the book club. I felt very proud to be allowed to help plan the dinner, especially because our pastor and his wife had recently joined my mother's book club. At that age, I saw the pastor as a celebrity of sorts, and I held his wife in the highest regard.
When the day of the much-anticipated party finally came, I was dressed in my Sunday best, every hair in place, and I had one last job to do. While my mother labored in the kitchen preparing an elaborate meal, I was to set the table. I had rehearsed this routine several times under my mother's watchful eye, and I knew it back to front. I knew just which fork was for which course, where to place each wine glass, and why each guest needed both a small and a large plate.
When the guests began to appear, my mother directed me to show them into the sitting room to chat until everyone arrived. She remained in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on her cupcakes. A few minutes later, when all the guests were present, my mother rushed over and directed them toward the dining room. The pastor entered first, followed by his wife.
Immediately, the pastor burst into gales of laughter. His wife gasped, then began giggling. The other guests were close on their heels, and soon the dining room was filled with guffaws. Finally, my mother came in behind her guests, and nearly died of embarrassment as soon as she saw just how carefully I had set the table.
At each guest's place was a single special napkin from my mother's bathroom drawer, carefully tucked under the edge of each plate, with the salad, dinner, and dessert forks arranged atop the napkins. I had even tucked their little tails under, so the "napkins" wouldn't hang off the edge of the table.
My mother, blushing furiously, took me by the hand and pulled me back into the sitting room. She asked in hushed tones, "Why, dear, did you put those napkins on the dinner table?"
I answered, proudly, in a voice that surely carried to the dining room, "I remembered, Mama, when you told me that you use those once a month. That's when the book club meets!"
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
A Short Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fuckin' blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fuckin' blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Blonde Joke No. 2,177
A man sat down at a bar just a few seats away from a blonde showing a lot of cleavage.
He ordered a beer.
The bartender filled a mug, slid it down the bar, but it hit the lady's chest and splashed beer on her breasts.
The bartender retrieved the mug, gave it to the man, and then licked the excess beer off the blonde's breasts.
When the man ordered another beer, the same thing happened again.
After his third beer also hit her, he decided it was time to share the bartender's fun. He moved over and started licking the woman's breasts himself … and she decked him!
Lying on the floor, he groaned, 'Why didja hit me? You let the bartender do it?!'
She replied, 'Because he told me he has a licker license!'
A man sat down at a bar just a few seats away from a blonde showing a lot of cleavage.
He ordered a beer.
The bartender filled a mug, slid it down the bar, but it hit the lady's chest and splashed beer on her breasts.
The bartender retrieved the mug, gave it to the man, and then licked the excess beer off the blonde's breasts.
When the man ordered another beer, the same thing happened again.
After his third beer also hit her, he decided it was time to share the bartender's fun. He moved over and started licking the woman's breasts himself … and she decked him!
Lying on the floor, he groaned, 'Why didja hit me? You let the bartender do it?!'
She replied, 'Because he told me he has a licker license!'
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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done_got_old
Literotica Guru
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- Dec 13, 2003
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Not at all. I think it is hysterical and I am Catholic.
I was wondering how you react. The guy who sent it to me is also Catholic.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Looks like some of us do have some sense....
Hope you like this one.
Costello Calls to buy a computer from Abbott....
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Something to think about. The ending put a big smile on my face.
I manage a bakery.
let me rephrase that.
I got the job as part-time counter help, minimum wage while I dumped resumes anywhere I could in search of real work. Two months later with double salary I was running the place. About once a month my boss asks me things like "You... you're not moving away any time soon, right?" I have found my niche and I am niching my ass off in it.
That said, the job I do means that in times of crisis I am the last line of defense. Network goes down? I bring it back up. We need 700 eggs for crepe batter and the dairy delivery isn't coming until tomorrow? I find them. The attachment arm on the 55 year old 20 quart Hobart mixer snaps off? I cannibalize more off the for-parts mixer and make the repair.
It's a one-store artisan bakery with wholesale accounts, but it's literally a battle every day to turn ingredients into food and make sure said food gets where it needs to be. Getting in at 5 am and not leaving until 8 pm is a common thing. But I like it. It's high stress and I thrive on it.
Most people buying something from a bakery are happy. I mean, it's a bakery, they're getting something from it. Nobody comes to a bakery to get a loaf of bread because the loaf of bread in their 93 Toyota Corolla just blew a seal and it's going to be $600 if they take it to a mechanic. They come because they like bread. There are, unfortunately, screwups. Most are pretty easy to resolve. You ordered bread and we don't have it? Here, have more other bread for free! Your cake is for 2 pm and it is 2 pm but it's still a half hour away from being completed?
Here's some credit and we'll deliver it anywhere you want us to. This satisfies 99% of the people.
The 1% are what makes my job interesting. These are the people who have nervous breakdowns because the pink on their cake is "light" pink not "pastel" pink. Because the high school logo they wanted on their precious little snowflake's graduation cake is in the center of the cake not the top left corner of the cake. The people who come in and ask for something, which we tell them we only make by special order and we'd be happy to put in an order for them, but they refuse because they "don't know when they'll be back this way" then show up the next day asking for the same thing, and flip out because we don't have it again even though they came in and asked for it yesterday and we should've known they would be back even though they said they didn't know when they'd be back. These are the people who get raging erections because they get to scream at some 17 year old just trying to make enough to get high on their weekend off. The won't be happy, no matter what you give them.
Pile them high with free product and credits, they'll still yell they didn't get what they wanted.
So I don't give them anything. I spent 3 years managing a Blockbuster after high school. I got screwed over corporate more times than I can count, over customer issues where they were 100% in the wrong but it didn't matter since "the customer is always right".
I promised if I was ever in a position where I was the end of the line for complaints I would never be that person, and I'm not. I back up the clerks when I know they're right and the customer is wrong. My eyes glaze over as I'm yelled at, and my disdain is palpable to that 1%. I give no ground. I am Bakery Death. It makes the 15 hour days worthwhile when someone who deserves no special treatment gets just that.
A quick story and then I'm done. The previous "high school logo in the wrong place" problem actually happened. It was in the center, instead of the top left. Nothing was wrong with the cake. The order had no mention of placement of logo, and there was nothing I could do about it. The woman was absolutely livid, she'd spent a few minutes screaming and cursing at one of the clerks before I got called up. She continued the diatribe with me, which at the end of I apologized, and offered her money back. She replied in the affirmative with more profanity that she wanted her money back, which I handed to her. Then she demanded the cake, too.
The cake she'd just spent 15 minutes foaming at the mouth over, making a scene in a busy store. The cake that was so horrible, it required a string of profanity that would make sailors call their mothers and apologize for a lifetime of scurrilous behavior. The cake that was sitting on the counter between us. I told her no. She replied in no uncertain terms that she would be leaving the store with the cake and her refund, and reached for it.
I put my fist through the cake, and told her if her next movement wasn't towards the exit, mine would be towards the phone to call the police.
She left.
I manage a bakery.
let me rephrase that.
I got the job as part-time counter help, minimum wage while I dumped resumes anywhere I could in search of real work. Two months later with double salary I was running the place. About once a month my boss asks me things like "You... you're not moving away any time soon, right?" I have found my niche and I am niching my ass off in it.
That said, the job I do means that in times of crisis I am the last line of defense. Network goes down? I bring it back up. We need 700 eggs for crepe batter and the dairy delivery isn't coming until tomorrow? I find them. The attachment arm on the 55 year old 20 quart Hobart mixer snaps off? I cannibalize more off the for-parts mixer and make the repair.
It's a one-store artisan bakery with wholesale accounts, but it's literally a battle every day to turn ingredients into food and make sure said food gets where it needs to be. Getting in at 5 am and not leaving until 8 pm is a common thing. But I like it. It's high stress and I thrive on it.
Most people buying something from a bakery are happy. I mean, it's a bakery, they're getting something from it. Nobody comes to a bakery to get a loaf of bread because the loaf of bread in their 93 Toyota Corolla just blew a seal and it's going to be $600 if they take it to a mechanic. They come because they like bread. There are, unfortunately, screwups. Most are pretty easy to resolve. You ordered bread and we don't have it? Here, have more other bread for free! Your cake is for 2 pm and it is 2 pm but it's still a half hour away from being completed?
Here's some credit and we'll deliver it anywhere you want us to. This satisfies 99% of the people.
The 1% are what makes my job interesting. These are the people who have nervous breakdowns because the pink on their cake is "light" pink not "pastel" pink. Because the high school logo they wanted on their precious little snowflake's graduation cake is in the center of the cake not the top left corner of the cake. The people who come in and ask for something, which we tell them we only make by special order and we'd be happy to put in an order for them, but they refuse because they "don't know when they'll be back this way" then show up the next day asking for the same thing, and flip out because we don't have it again even though they came in and asked for it yesterday and we should've known they would be back even though they said they didn't know when they'd be back. These are the people who get raging erections because they get to scream at some 17 year old just trying to make enough to get high on their weekend off. The won't be happy, no matter what you give them.
Pile them high with free product and credits, they'll still yell they didn't get what they wanted.
So I don't give them anything. I spent 3 years managing a Blockbuster after high school. I got screwed over corporate more times than I can count, over customer issues where they were 100% in the wrong but it didn't matter since "the customer is always right".
I promised if I was ever in a position where I was the end of the line for complaints I would never be that person, and I'm not. I back up the clerks when I know they're right and the customer is wrong. My eyes glaze over as I'm yelled at, and my disdain is palpable to that 1%. I give no ground. I am Bakery Death. It makes the 15 hour days worthwhile when someone who deserves no special treatment gets just that.
A quick story and then I'm done. The previous "high school logo in the wrong place" problem actually happened. It was in the center, instead of the top left. Nothing was wrong with the cake. The order had no mention of placement of logo, and there was nothing I could do about it. The woman was absolutely livid, she'd spent a few minutes screaming and cursing at one of the clerks before I got called up. She continued the diatribe with me, which at the end of I apologized, and offered her money back. She replied in the affirmative with more profanity that she wanted her money back, which I handed to her. Then she demanded the cake, too.
The cake she'd just spent 15 minutes foaming at the mouth over, making a scene in a busy store. The cake that was so horrible, it required a string of profanity that would make sailors call their mothers and apologize for a lifetime of scurrilous behavior. The cake that was sitting on the counter between us. I told her no. She replied in no uncertain terms that she would be leaving the store with the cake and her refund, and reached for it.
I put my fist through the cake, and told her if her next movement wasn't towards the exit, mine would be towards the phone to call the police.
She left.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to me like that?" "Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how much they pay those people to do that?"
They say a smile is a gift, which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
They say a smile is a gift, which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
THE BEAR HUNTER
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to
see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad
mistake. That was my cousin.
I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or
we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore
for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear
and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin
and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have
"rough sex."
bear clipart
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear
than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska
and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet
revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He
turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to
see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad
mistake. That was my cousin.
I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or
we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore
for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear
and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin
and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have
"rough sex."
bear clipart
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear
than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska
and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet
revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He
turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
100 cool things about being a man
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all of your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you ... unless you're playing hockey.
16. You don't have to lug a bag full of stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment."
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because "this one's just too gross."
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work...more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off of other's desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person won't stop you from having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There's always a game on somewhere.
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all of your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you ... unless you're playing hockey.
16. You don't have to lug a bag full of stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment."
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because "this one's just too gross."
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work...more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off of other's desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person won't stop you from having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There's always a game on somewhere.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think
this one through.
Here's the riddle:
At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on
opposite sides of the earth.
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the
85th floor.
The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old
toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?
Take a minute or two to try to answer the question, then scroll down for the answer.
"DON'T LOOK DOWN!!"
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think
this one through.
Here's the riddle:
At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on
opposite sides of the earth.
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the
85th floor.
The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old
toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?
Take a minute or two to try to answer the question, then scroll down for the answer.
"DON'T LOOK DOWN!!"
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Even God enjoys a good laugh
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin
and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a
moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin
and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a
moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
I have Flash and can appreciate how much time it took to put that together. You're right............definitely cute!
H0LLYW00DxWH0RE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2008
- Posts
- 1,161
[COLOR=Blue said:
haha that list is pretty funny... ive put condoms in old peoples carts before...
H0LLYW00DxWH0RE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2008
- Posts
- 1,161
Real Life Cybersex
---------------------
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK.
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your ... umm ... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed, aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark. I'm lost. Where's the bedroom.
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing against each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off you glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your ... you know ... woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
---------------------
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK.
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your ... umm ... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed, aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark. I'm lost. Where's the bedroom.
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing against each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off you glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your ... you know ... woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
So you were the one. It gave me quite a laugh.
H0LLYW00DxWH0RE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2008
- Posts
- 1,161
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a Party and invited all of his buddies & neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Black man in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters, BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator In my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash & every-
one turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the Gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!"
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters, BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator In my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash & every-
one turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the Gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00. The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!" The priest replied, "What did you say?" The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!" The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?" The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"
G
Guest
Guest
That was funny. Thank you for the chuckle.
- Status
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