Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

At The Auction

A couple decides to go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside. It is a fine Saturday afternoon, and they are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off is, 'A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.'
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, 'See! That was more than five times a month!'
As the second bull is to be sold is brought up, the auctioneer says, 'Another fine specimen, this wonder
reproduced 120 times last year.'
Again the wife bugs her husband, 'Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do you say to that?'
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
'And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!' the auctioneer declared of the third bull for sale.
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, 'That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?'
Her husband was pretty irritated by now and snaps back, 'Sure, once a day! Great! But you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!'

 

[done_got_old]

I apologise in advance for the following joke not being politically correct but it still me laugh in spite of myself....

Black guy goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....barman says to him....blimey...where did you get that....parrot replies...Africa...there's fucking thousands of them.....

well I'm black and I thought it was fucking hilarious

 

[wally2450]

A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.

The Inspector says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is
one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'

Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues 'Take this gun, go
out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six Obama delegates and a
rabbit.'

The man says 'Why the rabbit?'

'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?'

 

[done_got_old]

another version

A woman, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.

The Inspector says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'

Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues 'Take this gun, go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six McCain supporters and a rabbit.'

The man says 'Why the rabbit?'

'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?'

 

[curl4ever]

A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.
...

another version
A woman, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.
...

Hey friends, please be gentle and careful.
As the newbie in the forum, it's hardly my place to make a statement about what level of political humor is and is not appropriate, but I would like to toss in my two cents: I love you both too much to want to see any hard feelings develop. (We've all got a lot of miles to go until November.)

 

[done_got_old]

Hey friends, please be gentle and careful.
As the newbie in the forum, it's hardly my place to make a statement about what level of political humor is and is not appropriate, but I would like to toss in my two cents: I love you both too much to want to see any hard feelings develop. (We've all got a lot of miles to go until November.)

I agree. This is beginning to look like one of the nastiest elections in recent times. I hate to see candidates attacking one another instead of the issues.

I've shared my personal opinion of McCain with a few friends and that gave them something to think about.

 

[kayte]

Hey friends, please be gentle and careful.
As the newbie in the forum, it's hardly my place to make a statement about what level of political humor is and is not appropriate, but I would like to toss in my two cents: I love you both too much to want to see any hard feelings develop. (We've all got a lot of miles to go until November.)

I agree. This is beginning to look like one of the nastiest elections in recent times. I hate to see candidates attacking one another instead of the issues.

I've shared my personal opinion of McCain with a few friends and that gave them something to think about.

And we all need to be thinking about everything; we will be making our choice on Nov 4th. God Bless America.

 

[done_got_old]

Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown to go to the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, don't you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket? Why aren't you out chasing crooks or child molesters...that's out of your league, obviously!!! He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him 'Barney Fife'. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care..... I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "McCAIN in '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health!

 

[kayte]

Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown to go to the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, don't you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket? Why aren't you out chasing crooks or child molesters...that's out of your league, obviously!!! He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him 'Barney Fife'. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care..... I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "McCAIN in '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health!

Now that put a huge grin on my face!

 

[done_got_old]

Now that put a huge grin on my face!

Could you see yourself doing that?

 

[kayte]

Could you see yourself doing that?

Actually in my mind's eye I saw my Dad doing that. With that twinkle in his eye.

Maybe in a few years I might step up to that. But then on the other hand I have been accused of being precocious....

 

[smoothdevil]

WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a
little upset because my daughter has red hair.

She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors
may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both
sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed.

"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made
love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

 

[wally2450]

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Empty your PC Recycle Bin.
2. Create a new folder on your Desktop.
2. Name the folder 'Barack Obama'.
3. Drag the folder to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack
Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?

GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi!

 

[wally2450]

A not necessarily well-prepared student
sat in his life science classroom, staring
at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to
scribble whatever came into his head,
hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam
demanded a fourth answer. Again, what
to write? Once more, he sighed. He
frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his
pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his
definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers
of varying sizes.

 

[kayte]

A not necessarily well-prepared student
sat in his life science classroom, staring
at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to
scribble whatever came into his head,
hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam
demanded a fourth answer. Again, what
to write? Once more, he sighed. He
frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his
pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his
definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers
of varying sizes.

Groans..............

 

[ShaunaM]

Eve's Side of the Story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.

'It's all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that, since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?

Now doesn't T H A T make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

 

[kayte]

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.

'It's all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that, since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?

Now doesn't T H A T make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Absolutely! Thank you so much!

 

[omahaman2]

If a transvstite goes missing,would you find his picture on a carton of half and half?

 

[Golden_Silence]

A rancher died and left everything to his devoted
wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper
for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a
drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than
the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For week s the two of them worked hard and
the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said ‘You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go
into town and kick up your heels.’
The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
‘Unbutton my blouse and take it off,’ she said. Trembling,
he did as she directed.
‘Now take off my boots.’ He did as she asked,
ever so slowly.
‘Now take off my socks.’ He removed each gently and placed
them neatly by her boots.
‘Now take off my skirt.’
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in
the firelight.
‘Now take off my bra.’ Again, with trembling
hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: ‘If you ever
wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired!’

 

[Golden_Silence]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring.”Yeah right!” she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring. As usual the wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and
grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog’s testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles.

He shakes his head, looks at the dog, and whispers, “I don’t know where we were . or what we did .. but, by God, we took first and second place.”

 

[smoothdevil]

A Foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.

She goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those
f_ _king lessons I took over the winter didn't help me any.'

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well...there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck.

 

[kayte]

A Foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.

She goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those
f_ _king lessons I took over the winter didn't help me any.'

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well...there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck.

That is absolutely priceless!

 

[kayte]

SENIOR MOMENT

Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one' the
student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The Young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones.
Computers with light-speed processing... And more.'

After a brief silence the senior citizen responded as follows:

'You' re right, son.

We didn't have those things when we were young ... So we invented them.
Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?'

The applause was amazing

 

[done_got_old]

SENIOR MOMENT

Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one' the
student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The Young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones.
Computers with light-speed processing... And more.'

After a brief silence the senior citizen responded as follows:

'You' re right, son.

We didn't have those things when we were young ... So we invented them.
Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?'

The applause was amazing

I had a kid in my class who tried to make fun of all the things I didn't have growing up. I gave him the same response minus the little shit. The class was tired of his antics and they cheered.

 

[wally2450]

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife
decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at
closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the
man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your
tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off
and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined but finally persuaded by her
husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla
went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and
down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind.
Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This
time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and
down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and
tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door
and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with
an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"