Laughter is Contagious

[curl4ever]

A Woman's Plan

A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident. Both cars were totaled, but luckily no one was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "Wow, just look at our cars! They're destroyed! Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely."

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely totaled, but this bottle of wine didn't break. It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

She handed the bottle to the man, who opened it, drank half and then handed it back. Without taking a sip, she put the cap back on the bottle and handed it to the man.

"Aren't you having any?" the man asked.

The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

 

[curl4ever]

Suspicions

Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, so naturally Eve became upset.

"You must be running around with other women," she said to Adam.

Adam replied, "You're being unreasonable. You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam asked.

Eve replied, "Counting your ribs."

 

[done_got_old]

Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, so naturally Eve became upset.

"You must be running around with other women," she said to Adam.

Adam replied, "You're being unreasonable. You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam asked.

Eve replied, "Counting your ribs."

good one

 

[curl4ever]

good one

Glad you liked it. Actually, I like the one before that better. (I'm happy about both of them, though, since I had noticed them three months ago, then lost the newspaper clipping until I was repairing a chair this morning.)

 

[done_got_old]

Glad you liked it. Actually, I like the one before that better. (I'm happy about both of them, though, since I had noticed them three months ago, then lost the newspaper clipping until I was repairing a chair this morning.)

I had seen the first one a while ago, it's always funny though.

 

[Normal_Guy29]

.....

 

[wally2450]

The First Day of School 30 Years Ago and Today

THIRTY YEARS AGO: Miss Lichtig receives an apple from an anonymous
student and shows it to her fellow teachers.
TODAY: Ms. Lichtig receives a package from an anonymous student and
shows it to the bomb squad.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Ed Navis, the class clown, is caught reading
Playboy.
TODAY: Mrs. McMahon, the art teacher, is caught posing for Playboy.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case
of
whooping cough.
TODAY: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of morning
sickness.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: students find mercury, lead and cobalt on the
periodic
table.
TODAY: students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: each class begins with "Show and Tell."
TODAY: each class begins with "Search and Frisk."
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: ninth grader Clyde Kelly is caught cheating on a
pop
quiz.
TODAY: ninth grader Scott Kelly is caught cheating on his common-law
wife.

 

[kayte]

The Post Office has just released a new stamp in the shape of a clit...however,

they are not selling very well because only 3% of men know how to lick it!!!

Thank you {{{{{Smooth}}}}}} That is a great one. Sorry it is so true though.....

 

[kayte]

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school .'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do yo u know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fre d came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...I gave him my airplane glue.

 

[done_got_old]

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school .'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do yo u know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fre d came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...I gave him my airplane glue.

ROFLMAO

 

[smoothdevil]

Thank you {{{{{Smooth}}}}}} That is a great one. Sorry it is so true though.....

I hate to get painted with the same brush .... lol lol lol

 

[smoothdevil]

The First Day of School 30 Years Ago and Today

THIRTY YEARS AGO: Miss Lichtig receives an apple from an anonymous
student and shows it to her fellow teachers.
TODAY: Ms. Lichtig receives a package from an anonymous student and
shows it to the bomb squad.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Ed Navis, the class clown, is caught reading
Playboy.
TODAY: Mrs. McMahon, the art teacher, is caught posing for Playboy.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case
of
whooping cough.
TODAY: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of morning
sickness.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: students find mercury, lead and cobalt on the
periodic
table.
TODAY: students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: each class begins with "Show and Tell."
TODAY: each class begins with "Search and Frisk."
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: ninth grader Clyde Kelly is caught cheating on a
pop
quiz.
TODAY: ninth grader Scott Kelly is caught cheating on his common-law
wife.

LMAO ... great one

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: NEW STUDY FROM UCLA

New Study Worth Sharing With Friends... Male or Female.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.

 

[smoothdevil]

Oil Change instructions:

for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustrati o n, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss..
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
2 1) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

 

[smoothdevil]

LIFE EXPLAINED

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

 

[wally2450]

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering
what the fuck happened!"

 

[curl4ever]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle....

* * *

Oil Change instructions....

* * *

LIFE EXPLAINED...

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering
what the fuck happened!"

Dear smoothdevil and wally,
These were all excellent! Thanks so much for brightening my day!

 

[kayte]

{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}

Thank you so much for those!

 

[wally2450]

Subject: NEW STUDY FROM UCLA

New Study Worth Sharing With Friends... Male or Female.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.

More truth than fiction!

 

[kayte]

How It All Began

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, 'Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?'
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, 'How, Dear?'
And Dot replied, 'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.
And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot said, 'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.'
Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known 'eBay', and he said, 'we need a name that reflects what we are,' and Dot replied, 'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'
'YAHOO', said Abraham.
And that is how it all began.

 

[wally2450]

Two gay guys s are standing on a bridge watching ships pass by
underneath them. One says to the other, "What kind of ship is that?"

"Container ship," replies the other.

"Okay, what's that one over there?"

"Oil Tanker."

"How about that one?"

"That's a ferry boat."

"Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own
NAVY!"

 

[omahaman2]

http://www.nationallampoon.com/thezaz/index.php/2008/05/01/songs-that-get-stuck-in-your-head/

 

[done_got_old]

Bank Robbery

 

[kayte]

CDC Alert

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload
Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of
your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH
IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should
come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or
both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you
do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.

 

[kayte]

Two gay guys s are standing on a bridge watching ships pass by
underneath them. One says to the other, "What kind of ship is that?"

"Container ship," replies the other.

"Okay, what's that one over there?"

"Oil Tanker."

"How about that one?"

"That's a ferry boat."

"Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own
NAVY!"

THank you {{{{wally}}}} That is great!