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Exercising


1. For every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000/month.

2. The only reason I took up jogging was to hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spending $500 in the process. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

6. The advantage to exercising every day is that you die healthier.

7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. If you are going to take up cross-country skiing, it helps to start with a small country.

9. I don't jog; it makes me spill my milk shake.


10. Actually, I don't exercise at all. If we were meant to touch our toes, we would have them farther up on our body.
 
smoothdevil said:
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
Chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
With colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have
The pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
Variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
Need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
At which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
Soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
That if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
Belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
Of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
Stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
Are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
Enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
Until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
Over.

So which is it?

If we accept the assertion given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
That, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
Into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
Must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
Frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
Follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
Extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
Divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my
God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Click to expand...

Thank you {{{{{Smooth}}}}}} :D That is great every time I read it.
 
smoothdevil said:
Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Click to expand...

ROTFLMAO !!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!
 
smoothdevil said:
Exercising


1. For every mile you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at the age of 85, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $5,000/month.

2. The only reason I took up jogging was to hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spending $500 in the process. I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

6. The advantage to exercising every day is that you die healthier.

7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. If you are going to take up cross-country skiing, it helps to start with a small country.

9. I don't jog; it makes me spill my milk shake.


10. Actually, I don't exercise at all. If we were meant to touch our toes, we would have them farther up on our body.
Click to expand...

#4 Is the one to try! ;)
 
For the holiday

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honor of this holy season," said St. Peter, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
St. Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
"These are Carols," the man replied.
 
kayte said:
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honor of this holy season," said St. Peter, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
St. Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
"These are Carols," the man replied.
Click to expand...

GOOD!
 
I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.


I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

]
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread becaus e I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).


Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and & nbsp;AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.


I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.


AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan .


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.


THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.


I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!


I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse spider and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician .


Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
 
SANITY TEST

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the doctor how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the doctor, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the doctor, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?
 
E-Harmony



Sorry.

Your application to join our match-making service has been rejected.

You failed question #14: "What do you like most in a woman?"

"My Dick" was not the correct answer.
__________________
 
smoothdevil said:
E-Harmony
Sorry.
Your application to join our match-making service has been rejected.
You failed question #14: "What do you like most in a woman?"
"My Dick" was not the correct answer.
__________________
Click to expand...
Sounds right to me!
Thanks, smoothdevil!
 
Dear Santa:

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.

I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.

We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."

The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."

Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!

That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."

Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.

This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.

And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.

You probably want to smack her yourself.
 
~Snip~
done_got_old said:
Dear Santa:

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.

I want to slap Martha Stewart.

And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.

You probably want to smack her yourself.
Click to expand...
~Snip~

Thank you {{{{{DGO}}}}}} I want to slap her upside the head too.
 
A blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love and your prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to commend you and to grant you anything you wish."
"Oh, Father, I am perfectly happy. I do what I love. The Church supports me. I am content. I need nothing."
"There must be something you would like," said God.
"Well, there is one thing."
"Name it," said God.
She frowned. "It's those blonde jokes. They're so demeaning, not just to me but to blondes everywhere. Can you stop them?"
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes are hereby stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But isn't there something I could do just for you?"
"Well, there's one thing. But it's really small and not worth Your time," she said.
"Tell me, please!" said God.
"It's the M&M's," she said. "They're so hard to peel!"
 
kayte said:
A blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love and your prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to commend you and to grant you anything you wish."
"Oh, Father, I am perfectly happy. I do what I love. The Church supports me. I am content. I need nothing."
"There must be something you would like," said God.
"Well, there is one thing."
"Name it," said God.
She frowned. "It's those blonde jokes. They're so demeaning, not just to me but to blondes everywhere. Can you stop them?"
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes are hereby stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But isn't there something I could do just for you?"
"Well, there's one thing. But it's really small and not worth Your time," she said.
"Tell me, please!" said God.
"It's the M&M's," she said. "They're so hard to peel!"
Click to expand...


OMG that is funny!
 
In God We Trust"

Born> > > > 1930 - 1979
At the end of this email is a quote of the month by> Jay Leno. If you don't read anything else, please Read what he said

Very well stated, Mr. Leno. TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked> and/or drank while they were > > pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from> a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs > covered with bright colored lead-base paints.. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY? Because we were always outside, > playing...that why! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and> no chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and> knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best> risk-takers problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation> and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,> and we learned how to deal with it all.

If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good. While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: 'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?' For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us...go ahead and delete this. For the rest of us...pass this on.
 
redneck joke

A redneck is walking down the road one day when he sees his cousin coming toward him carrying a gunnysack.

"Hey there. Billy Ray" says the redneck, whatcha got there?

"Some chickens" says the cousin.

"If I can guess how many you got in there can I have one?"

"Shoot, if you guess right, I'll give you both of them."

"OK! Five".
 
done_got_old said:
Dear Santa:

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.

I want to slap Martha Stewart.



You probably want to smack her yourself.
Click to expand...


R O T F L M A O .....
 
Subject: Cajun Prenuptial Agreement



"Prenuptial Agreement - Cajun Style"

Boudreaux done got old and his childen dun put
him in the old folks home near Beau Bridge ,
Louisiana where he dun met a lovely lady dat
were from Texas . Now Boudreaux being a fine
upstanding Catholic, he didn't want to do nutin
dat were aganst his religion, no. So he dun
propose marriage. Now both Boudreaux and
Mable were in their 80s.

Mable went and told everyone at the Senior
Citizens home the good news. Renee, Mable's
best friend told her that since she was very
wealthy and the person she was about to wed
was, well to say the least not worth much and
she should insist on a Prenuptial Agreement.

Mable was sitting on the porch swing with
Boudreaux and she told him she would marry
him providing he would sign a prenuptial agreement.

Boudreaux dun told Mable I'll sign agreement,
you bet, 'cause I luv you so much.'

Mable got out her pen and paper and started:

She said: I want to keep my house down in
Texas with all the oil wells.

He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my shak
on the bayou.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac, BMW and
Lexus.

He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my
pick 'em up truck.

She said: I want to keep my yacht that is moored
near my summer home in Padre Island , Texas .

He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my pirogue
on the bayou.

She said: I want to keep all my jewelry.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: Put me down for Fridays
 
Luigi's Train Ride


After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?'

Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.'

'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni.

'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food. She brough ta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us andasay, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in dis a car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokin a disa car.
Mus ta go to a smokina car.' 'We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at a top of his a voice 'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

'Nexta time, I'ma justa gonna taka da bus!'
 
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