Laughter is Contagious

[Raindear816]

A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet. His Mother Thinks He Has Been

In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up. The Little Boy Is Sitting On

The Toilet Reading A Book. But About Every 10 Seconds Or So He Puts The Book

Down, Grips Onto To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of

The Head With His Right Hand.


His Mother Says: "billy, Are You All Right? You've Been In Here For A While.

Billy Says: "i'm Fine, Mommy.. I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."

Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes. But, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"

Billy Says: "works For Ketchup."
:d

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet. His Mother Thinks He Has Been

In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up. The Little Boy Is Sitting On

The Toilet Reading A Book. But About Every 10 Seconds Or So He Puts The Book

Down, Grips Onto To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of

The Head With His Right Hand.


His Mother Says: "billy, Are You All Right? You've Been In Here For A While.

Billy Says: "i'm Fine, Mommy.. I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."

Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes. But, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"

Billy Says: "works For Ketchup."
:d

lol...that was fun.....

 

[curl4ever]

Two Crocodiles were lying at the side of the river. ...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and
sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. ...

Nice ones! Thanks, Jeff!

 

[done_got_old]

The Indian with One Testicle


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more..


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.


Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.


Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!




Why ???


OH, come on... take a guess !!!


Think about it !!!


You're going to love this !!!


Everyone knows....




You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!

 

[kayte]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and
sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Good morning Jeff ~ That is great! Thank you.

 

[Black_Dahlia]

Stop me if you've heard it before...

A man sitting next to a stuffy old woman on a plane.

Suddenly he sneezes. He takes out his handkerchief and, to the woman's surprise and disgust, proceeds to take out his cock and wipe cum from the end of it.

"That's disgusting!" the woman says. "I shall report you to the captain."

"Actually, I have a rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

"Oh," says the woman, suddenly concerned. "Do you take anything for it?"

"Yes," says the man, smiling broadly. "Pepper."

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

*Cue groan and rim shot*...lol...I love set-up jokes...lol...

The Indian with One Testicle


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more..


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.


Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.


Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!




Why ???


OH, come on... take a guess !!!


Think about it !!!


You're going to love this !!!


Everyone knows....




You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!

 

[brummiesteve]

Just got a message off someone.
It reads ABNG.
Dunno about you but I think it's bang out of order.

 

[kayte]

A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet. His Mother Thinks He Has Been

In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up. The Little Boy Is Sitting On

The Toilet Reading A Book. But About Every 10 Seconds Or So He Puts The Book

Down, Grips Onto To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of

The Head With His Right Hand.


His Mother Says: "billy, Are You All Right? You've Been In Here For A While.

Billy Says: "i'm Fine, Mommy.. I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."

Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes. But, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"

Billy Says: "works For Ketchup."

That is priceless! Thank you.

 

[kayte]

The Indian with One Testicle


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more..


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.


Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.


Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!




Why ???


OH, come on... take a guess !!!


Think about it !!!


You're going to love this !!!


Everyone knows....




You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!

Thank you {{{{{{{DGO}}}}}} That is great!

 

[kayte]

Stop me if you've heard it before...

A man sitting next to a stuffy old woman on a plane.

Suddenly he sneezes. He takes out his handkerchief and, to the woman's surprise and disgust, proceeds to take out his cock and wipe cum from the end of it.

"That's disgusting!" the woman says. "I shall report you to the captain."

"Actually, I have a rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

"Oh," says the woman, suddenly concerned. "Do you take anything for it?"

"Yes," says the man, smiling broadly. "Pepper."

Thank you BD ~That is marvelous.

 

[peachydreams]

BEFORE MARRIAGE
John - Ah....At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane - Do you want me to leave?
John - NO! Don't even think about it!
Jane - Do you love me?
John - Of course! Always have, always will.
Jane - Have you ever cheated on me?
John - No! Why are you even asking?
Jane - Will you kiss me?
John - Every chance I get!
Jane - Will you hit me?
John - Hell NO! Are you crazy?
Jane - Can I trust you?
John - Yes
Jane - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE

Read from the bottom up!

 

[kayte]

Just got a message off someone.
It reads ABNG.
Dunno about you but I think it's bang out of order.

Good morning Steve ~ I think you are right!

 

[kayte]

BEFORE MARRIAGE
John - Ah....At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane - Do you want me to leave?
John - NO! Don't even think about it!
Jane - Do you love me?
John - Of course! Always have, always will.
Jane - Have you ever cheated on me?
John - No! Why are you even asking?
Jane - Will you kiss me?
John - Every chance I get!
Jane - Will you hit me?
John - Hell NO! Are you crazy?
Jane - Can I trust you?
John - Yes
Jane - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE

Read from the bottom up!

Hi Peachy ~ That sums it up perfectly.

 

[kayte]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married..
There was only one little thing bothering me ... It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[brummiesteve]

Good morning Steve ~ I think you are right!

Hi. Some of my friends didn't get it.

BEFORE MARRIAGE
John - Ah....At last. I can hardly wait!
Jane - Do you want me to leave?
John - NO! Don't even think about it!
Jane - Do you love me?
John - Of course! Always have, always will.
Jane - Have you ever cheated on me?
John - No! Why are you even asking?
Jane - Will you kiss me?
John - Every chance I get!
Jane - Will you hit me?
John - Hell NO! Are you crazy?
Jane - Can I trust you?
John - Yes
Jane - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE

Read from the bottom up!

In the voice of Borat
"I Like, I LIke"

 

[peachydreams]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married..
There was only one little thing bothering me ... It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

OMG....loved it!!!

 

[neci]

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked
by a rabid Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board off the nearby fence,
wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy. "Young Forty Niners' Fan Saves Friend From Vicious
Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Niners fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in San Francisco I just assumed you were." said
the
reporter and writes in. "Little Oakland Raiders' Fan Rescues Friend
From
Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in
the
Bay Area was either for the Niners or the Raiders. What team do you
root
for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan." the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little
Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

this thread is wonderful! i am having so much fun reading the jokes!

 

[done_got_old]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing...

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check..

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

' So I just switched the heads.'

Bet You Didn't See That Coming!

 

[kayte]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing...

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check..

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

' So I just switched the heads.'

Bet You Didn't See That Coming!

No I didn't! Thank you for the laugh {{{{DGO}}}}}

 

[curl4ever]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. ...

You got me good on that one! Thanks, d_g_o!

 

[kayte]

The following are actual headlines from real newspapers around the planet ... uhm ... with commentary ... more or less. Some of the headlines are a few years old. Enjoy! Hehehe!

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really? Nothing gets by these folks!]

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now THAT's taking things a bit far!]

3. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

4.Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

5. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

6. War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

7. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

8. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought it!]

9. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide. [Hmm ... They may be on to something!]

10. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Say it ain't so!]

11. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]

12. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Wasn't the original group fat enough?]

13. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[Note to self: Never go 'south of the border' before a launch!]

14. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken, I hear.]

15. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

16. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

17. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[And they call THAT news!?]

 

[kayte]

BEST COMEBACK EVER

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. On Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.


The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.


Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?
'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...
'A pumpkin? Shit ..... Is it midnight already?'

This was in the Washington Post...the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever...'

 

[peachydreams]

OMG....only in Georgia!!!

 

[Reads4fun]

That's one drunk redneck!