Laughter is Contagious

[done_got_old]

BEST COMEBACK EVER

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. On Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.


The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.


Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?
'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...
'A pumpkin? Shit ..... Is it midnight already?'

This was in the Washington Post...the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever...'

ROFLMFAO

 

[Guest]

BEST COMEBACK EVER

LMFAO

 

[peachydreams]

Mr. Penis said to Mr. Balls, "Get ready we're going to a party!" Mr. Balls said, "Fuckin' liar, you always go inside and leave me outside knocking!"

 

[arielsgoddess]

Remember: Sex is only kinky if it involves a crimping iron

 

[curl4ever]

Mr. Penis said to Mr. Balls, "Get ready we're going to a party!" Mr. Balls said, "Fuckin' liar, you always go inside and leave me outside knocking!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember: Sex is only kinky if it involves a crimping iron

<zing> Nice ones -- short, sweet, and extremely funny! Thanks, peachydreams and arielsgoddess

 

[peachydreams]

For Football Season

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team won it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.

 

[curl4ever]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. ...

Nice one! Thanks, peachydreams!

 

[smoothdevil]

Southern Ladies

Miss Annabelle had just returned to Atlanta from her first trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends.

She relates the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound:
"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabelle, "they have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabelle's friends fan themselves and say: "Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabelle.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my, Oh my!" exclaim the girls: "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabelle.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabelle.

"Oh my, Oh my, Oh my!" exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster: "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabelle leans forward and says in a hush...

"Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious.

 

[kayte]

The Circus Audition

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you'd better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. When the lion is about half way to her, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is agape. "I've never seen a display like that in my life!" he exclaims. He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

 

[kayte]

Let me see if I understand all
this.... IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR......






IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY....



IF YOU CROSS INTO MEXICO ILLEGALLY YOU
GET



10 YEARS IN PRISON....





BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER
ILLEGALLY



YOU GET A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL
SECURITY CARD, WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS, AND FREE HEALTH CARE?





I guess I still don't
understand...

 

[done_got_old]

The Circus Audition

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you'd better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. When the lion is about half way to her, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is agape. "I've never seen a display like that in my life!" he exclaims. He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

ROFLMFBO

 

[peachydreams]

An oldie but a goodie

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

 

[limiwa]

Let me see if I understand all
this.... IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR......






IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY....



IF YOU CROSS INTO MEXICO ILLEGALLY YOU
GET



10 YEARS IN PRISON....





BUT, IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER
ILLEGALLY



YOU GET A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL
SECURITY CARD, WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS, AND FREE HEALTH CARE?





I guess I still don't
understand...

A classic! Thanks Kayte.

 

[done_got_old]

I finally got around to goin ' fishin ' this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn ' t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.


Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without gettin ' bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishin ' with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.


There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

 

[curl4ever]

I finally got around to goin ' fishin ' this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. ...

Delightful!!! Thanks, d_g_o!

 

[smoothdevil]

I finally got around to goin ' fishin ' this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.



There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

S U P E R .... LMAO ....

 

[done_got_old]

This is the snake that had the frogs. It's dead now, but you can get an idea of just how big it was.

 

[Gus Aspar]

This is the snake that had the frogs. It's dead now, but you can get an idea of just how big it was.

LOL !!!!

 

[kayte]

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

TGIF Peachy ~ That is great. Have a fantastic weekend too.

 

[kayte]

I finally got around to goin ' fishin ' this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn ' t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.


Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without gettin ' bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishin ' with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.


There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

TGIF {{{{DGO}}}}

 

[kayte]

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day, when Homer came back to the doctor's office.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer.

"Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come a runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

 

[done_got_old]

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day, when Homer came back to the doctor's office.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer.

"Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come a runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

ROFLMBO

 

[done_got_old]

Prayer for Grandpa

Prayer for Grandpa

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/1255798324.jpg​

Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa's computer
Amen."

 

[kayte]

Prayer for Grandpa

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/1255798324.jpg​

Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa's computer
Amen."

Absolutely wonderful {{{DGO}}}}

 

[kayte]

'The Sound of Music' won the Academy Award for Best Picture of 1965 and is
one of the most popular musicals ever produced.

Remember the 7 children of the Trapp family?


They were having a reunion after 40 years
and all were looking healthy and amazingly well...


Julie Andrews turned 69 and to commemorate her* *69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at* *Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.* *One of the musical numbers she performed was* *"My Favourite Things" from the legendary movie "The Sound Of Music."
*
*Here are the actual lyrics she used:
*
*Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things..
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.*