Laughter is Contagious

[done_got_old]

'The Sound of Music' won the Academy Award for Best Picture of 1965 and is
one of the most popular musicals ever produced.

Remember the 7 children of the Trapp family?


They were having a reunion after 40 years
and all were looking healthy and amazingly well...


Julie Andrews turned 69 and to commemorate her* *69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at* *Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.* *One of the musical numbers she performed was* *"My Favourite Things" from the legendary movie "The Sound Of Music."
*
*Here are the actual lyrics she used:
*
*Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things..
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.*

I can identify with that!

 

[kayte]

One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.
Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well ... OK... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thingy sort of stands up, and then mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."
Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye, and said, "Oh, darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies... "That's how you get jewelery!”

 

[done_got_old]

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side; I think I'm going to have a wife.'

 

[smoothdevil]

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up..

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .

* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

 

[kayte]

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side; I think I'm going to have a wife.'

Good morning {{{{DGO}}}}} That is perfect! Thank you. Hope you are having a wonderful weekend.

 

[kayte]

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up..

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .

* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

Happy Sunday {{{{{Smooth}}}}} Yes that sums it up. Have a spectacular one.

 

[Jekyll87]

I've been a long time reader of this wonderful thread but haven't posted much....here's my contributions then..

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read, "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:

"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Tesarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."

 

[Jekyll87]

Recently Mr. Paul got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, the new secretary noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she mentioned, "Mr. Paul, your barracks door is open."

Mr. Paul did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

 

[Jekyll87]

A boy is telling proudly to his close friend as to what he did with his girlfriend whom he took to a hotel room for three consequtive nights.

Boy to his friend, "First day I took out her cloths waited for some time and we came back."

Friend asks him, "Only this much? Why?

Boy Reples, "Because, She should not feel that I do not have courage to undress her."

Boy further tells his friend, "Second day, I undressed her and also undressed my self, and then we came back."

Friend again asked him, "Reallly? That's all?

Boy Replies, "Yeah. Because, she should not feel that I can not control myself".

Boy further reports to his friend, "On third and last day, I undressed her, then I undressed myself, then I masterbated and we came back immeditely."

Friend shockingly asks him, "No sex with her at all? Why?"

Boy replies, "Yeah. Because she should not feel that I can not manage with out her"

 

[Jekyll87]

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So, she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover.

After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

He says, "I'm here about your ad."

Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?"

"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in 'Nam. That's where I lost my arms and legs," he replies.

"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires.

"I make over $3 million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he continues.

Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're a good lover?"

He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

 

[Jekyll87]

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectal deodorant.

The pharmacist explains to the man they don't sell rectal deodorant and that in fact he's never heard of it before.

The man assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the man.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes!" said the man, "I'll go home and get it."

He returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to him, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the man snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

 

[Jekyll87]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one".

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

 

[Jekyll87]

Two blondes approach the perfume counter. They pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and sniffs it.

"That's quite nice," she says. "Don't you think so, Anna?"

Anna takes a whiff, "That is nice," she says. "What's it called?"

"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.

"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"

"Viens a moi, ladies," the clerk intervenes helpfully, "is 'come to me' in French."

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Anna again.

"That doesn't smell like cum to me," she opines. "Does that smell like cum to you?"

 

[Jekyll87]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.

Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underpants....

 

[kayte]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.

Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underpants....

WOW Jekyll ~ Those are all great! Thank you for the funnies.

 

[curl4ever]

Very nice ones! Thanks, Jekyll!

 

[Jekyll87]

You're welcome !

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, :Can your dog perform other tricks?".

"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman." Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.

The dogs looks at her and does nothing.

"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.

 

[kayte]

You're welcome !

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.

The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, :Can your dog perform other tricks?".

"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman." Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.

The dogs looks at her and does nothing.

"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.

ROTFLMAO!

 

[kayte]

One guy said to the other, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything. And what she doesn't have, she just goes out and buys herself. I'm stumped."
"Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have an hour of great sex any way she wants it?" suggested his friend.
"Great idea. She'll be thrilled. Thanks!"
The next day, his buddy asked him, "Well? Did you take my advice?"
"Sure did," said the man.
"What happened?" asked his friend.
"She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me, and ran out the door, yelling, 'See ya in an hour'!"

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

Two priests were in a communal restroom at a campout retreat for boys. One looks over at the other's johnson and says, "ummmm....you have your patch located in the wrong spot."

The other priest says, "I'm not so sure about that - I am down to only two butts a day now."

 

[kayte]

Two priests were in a communal restroom at a campout retreat for boys. One looks over at the other's johnson and says, "ummmm....you have your patch located in the wrong spot."

The other priest says, "I'm not so sure about that - I am down to only two butts a day now."

Oh my Jeff! What groaner.

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

Here is a "visual" joke for you.....try not to stand where lightning can strike.... ;-)

Why did all the women look at Jesus adoringly when He was on the cross?

Because when they looked up at Him, they saw that He was hung like this...

*cue visual of Christ on cross...arms extended*

 

[Jekyll87]

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don`t know what to do here," the devil says. "You`re on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I`ll tell you what I`m going to do: I`ve got a couple of people here who weren`t quite as bad as you. I`ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I`ll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room.
In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," bin Laden said, "I don`t think so. I`m not a good swimmer and I don`t think I could do that all day long."
So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I`ve got this problem with my shoulder. I`d be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," Laden commented.
So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you`re free to go."

 

[done_got_old]

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don`t know what to do here," the devil says. "You`re on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I`ll tell you what I`m going to do: I`ve got a couple of people here who weren`t quite as bad as you. I`ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I`ll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room.
In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," bin Laden said, "I don`t think so. I`m not a good swimmer and I don`t think I could do that all day long."
So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I`ve got this problem with my shoulder. I`d be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," Laden commented.
So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you`re free to go."

I saw that coming.

 

[kayte]

Here is a "visual" joke for you.....try not to stand where lightning can strike.... ;-)

Why did all the women look at Jesus adoringly when He was on the cross?

Because when they looked up at Him, they saw that He was hung like this...

*cue visual of Christ on cross...arms extended*

LMAO!!!