Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

Tattoos

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

That is marvelous! Thank you so much Andrew.

 

[kayte]

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We have only one rule here in Heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So the three women enter Heaven and, sure enough, there are ducks all over the place; it is almost impossible not to step on a duck.
Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. St. Peter chains them together with the same admonishment he gave the first woman.

The third woman observed all this and, not wanting to be chained to an ugly man for all eternity is very, very careful where she steps. She manges to go months without stepping on any ducks.

One day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on -- very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonfer what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

 

[kayte]

We see what we want to see.

A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
:"What's up?" she asked.
"I think I'm having a heart attack," cries her husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grap the phone but, just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son come up and says, "Mommy, Mommy, Auntie Shirley is hiding in the closet and she has no clothes on."
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, rushes right past her husband, rips open the closet door and, sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
"You rotten slut," screams the blonde. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!"

 

[lakesailer_mi]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"

 

[kayte]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"

Thank you {{{{{Sailer}}}}} ROTFLMAO!!!

 

[smoothdevil]

Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We have only one rule here in Heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So the three women enter Heaven and, sure enough, there are ducks all over the place; it is almost impossible not to step on a duck.
Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. St. Peter chains them together with the same admonishment he gave the first woman.

The third woman observed all this and, not wanting to be chained to an ugly man for all eternity is very, very careful where she steps. She manges to go months without stepping on any ducks.

One day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on -- very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonfer what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

greeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

 

[smoothdevil]

My engineer friend has what I think is the near perfect solution for airport security!

Subject: **Problem solved for airport and federal bldg security*

*Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body
scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into
that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device
you may have on you.*

*It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of
this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a
long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift..*

*Case Closed!*

 

[kayte]

My engineer friend has what I think is the near perfect solution for airport security!

Subject: **Problem solved for airport and federal bldg security*

*Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body
scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into
that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device
you may have on you.*

*It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of
this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a
long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift..*

*Case Closed!*

Good morning {{{{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}} That sounds like the perfect way to do it!

 

[done_got_old]

Why Dinosaurs became extinct

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/1267119699.jpg


(The very first "Senior moment".....?) ​

 

[done_got_old]

My engineer friend has what I think is the near perfect solution for airport security!

Subject: **Problem solved for airport and federal bldg security*

*Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body
scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into
that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device
you may have on you.*

*It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of
this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a
long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift..*

*Case Closed!*

I love this!

 

[kayte]

Why Dinosaurs became extinct

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/1267119699.jpg


(The very first "Senior moment".....?) ​

That is priceless! Thank you.

 

[smoothdevil]

Creation Explained

in the beginning, God created the Heavens and Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow beans and red vegetables of all kids, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

The using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's ice cream and Krispy Creme donuts. And Satan said, " You want chocolate with that ?" And Woman and Man said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds and Satan smiled.

And God created healthful yogurt that Woman might keep that figure Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from wheat, and sugar from cane and combined them. And woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Islands dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you healthy vegetable and olive oil to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed it's own platter. Man and Woman gained more weight and their chelesterol went through the roof.

God crated a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brough forth running shoes so that His children might lose the extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote so Man would not have to toil changing channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pouns.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appwtite. And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Saran said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created cuts to the Health Care System.

Amen.

 

[kayte]

Creation Explained

in the beginning, God created the Heavens and Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow beans and red vegetables of all kids, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

The using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's ice cream and Krispy Creme donuts. And Satan said, " You want chocolate with that ?" And Woman and Man said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds and Satan smiled.

And God created healthful yogurt that Woman might keep that figure Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from wheat, and sugar from cane and combined them. And woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Islands dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you healthy vegetable and olive oil to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed it's own platter. Man and Woman gained more weight and their chelesterol went through the roof.

God crated a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brough forth running shoes so that His children might lose the extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote so Man would not have to toil changing channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pouns.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appwtite. And Satan created McDonald's and it's 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Saran said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created cuts to the Health Care System.

Amen.

Good evening {{{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}}}} Thank your for the grins! Hope you have a wonderful weekend.

 

[kayte]

Upgrades

A few months ago, I upgraded from DrinkingMates 4.2 to Girlfriend 1.0 which I had been told for years wouldn't give me any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend 1.0 (i.e. 1.001 thru 1.999) proved no better!
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run the new Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does at least come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse 2007.

Shortly after this upgrade however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and extremely costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge 2. Worse still, these latter products have no Help files, and I have to try and guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly requiring Adobe ShoeShop, HandBag Searcher and Hairstyle Express, all of which need to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.

I've recently been tempted to install Mistress 2010, but I've heard there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2010 it tends to take total control of your IP address and then permanently locks you out while acquiring all of your shared resources.

 

[kayte]

Differences in shopping

"When I were a boy, Momma would sent me down to t' corner store wif' a dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'af a dozen eggs. Ya' can't do that now. Too many dang security cameras."

 

[done_got_old]

Differences in shopping

"When I were a boy, Momma would sent me down to t' corner store wif' a dollar, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'af a dozen eggs. Ya' can't do that now. Too many dang security cameras."

ROFLMBO

I using that as my FB status!

 

[done_got_old]

IT PAYS TO KNOW GERMAN

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/German.jpg​

An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.


The Amish Farmer shouts, "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have crapped in it!"

The man shouts back, "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"

The Amish Farmer shouts back in English, "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

 

[kayte]

IT PAYS TO KNOW GERMAN

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/German.jpg​

An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.


The Amish Farmer shouts, "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have crapped in it!"

The man shouts back, "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"

The Amish Farmer shouts back in English, "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

Absolutely Perfect!

 

[smoothdevil]

Times have changed


1978 vs. 2008


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1978 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up as friends.

2008 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobile phones with video of the fight are confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended, even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings are conducted. The video is shown on six internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1978 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given six of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his dad gives him the slipper.

1978 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1978 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2008 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mohamed fails high school English.

1978 - Mohamed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2008 - Mohamed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohamed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1978 - Ants die.

2008 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1978 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

 

[done_got_old]

What is Celibacy?

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/1267458243.gif

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/1267458253.jpg

And thus began my life of celibacy.........!!!!!​

 

[lakesailer_mi]

What is Celibacy?

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/1267458243.gif

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

http://i468.photobucket.com/albums/rr47/done-got-old/1267458253.jpg

And thus began my life of celibacy.........!!!!!​

I would be dead too, because I would have gotten it wrong. It's King Arthur in our house. *nods knowingly*

 

[limiwa]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"

ha...funny. thank you.

 

[kayte]

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" asked the Minister.
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" implored the Minister.
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and, in a clear, strong voice, said: "I outlived the bitches."

 

[done_got_old]

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, Where did you get that beer, Donnie?

Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer? Well, not exactly, Donnie says. When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow.

She said, You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow. Then I said, I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

 

[done_got_old]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."