Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

1. Chamomile Tea

The woman had obviously been beaten black and blue. The doctor asked her what happened.
"Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp," she said.
The doctor said, "Next time, try this: when you hear him coming, gargle a glass of chamomile tea, and keep gargling until he's asleep."
A month later she returned looking good as new.
"Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Now when he comes home drunk, I gargle with chamomile tea and he never touches me."
The doctor replied, "See? Sometimes it helps to keep your mouth shut!"

2. Understanding Statistics

A Guide to Understanding Statistics:

Remember: human beings average one testicle each!

 

[smoothdevil]

What are you so happy about?

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face.

Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat when a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Her tits were wayyy out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Mike.
I turned off the key and I told her, 'It's either get screwed or swim" and she couldn't swim, Mike....she couldn't swim! Hot damn!"

The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face.
Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"

"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond
came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here!..... She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way, wayyyy out, Mike, much further out than the last one.

I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either get screwed or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike, she couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer.
Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad about?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya....yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the sexiest brunette I've ever seen came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Mike.
Tits WAYYYY out to here.....

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I said, 'You bet you can have a ride in my boat, baby.' So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY, WAY, WAYYYY out... much further than the last two.

I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Okay, baby, it's time to either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and.....she had a huge cock, Mike! She had this great BIG COCK!!

.... wait for it ...


I can't swim Mike!... I can't swim!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Retirement

The two little old ladies had been long-time close friends but, being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.
I
"Yes? And then....?" the curious Mrs. Cohen asked.
"Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we screw."

greeeeeeeeeeeat

 

[kayte]

What are you so happy about?

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face.

Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat when a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Her tits were wayyy out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Mike.
I turned off the key and I told her, 'It's either get screwed or swim" and she couldn't swim, Mike....she couldn't swim! Hot damn!"

The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face.
Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"

"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond
came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here!..... She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way, wayyyy out, Mike, much further out than the last one.

I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either get screwed or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike, she couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer.
Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad about?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya....yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the sexiest brunette I've ever seen came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Mike.
Tits WAYYYY out to here.....

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I said, 'You bet you can have a ride in my boat, baby.' So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY, WAY, WAYYYY out... much further than the last two.

I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Okay, baby, it's time to either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and.....she had a huge cock, Mike! She had this great BIG COCK!!

.... wait for it ...


I can't swim Mike!... I can't swim!"

{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}

That is so hysterically funny.

 

[kayte]

1. An Irish Intimate Moment

The Irish couple was making out on the sofa.
"What are you thinking about?" moaned Maureen.
"Same thing as you," replied Ryan.
So he got up, dashed to the refrigerator, and brought back two beers!

2. The Broken Foot

The Irishman hobbled into a doctor's office. "I think I broke my foot."
"What happened?"
"Well, it all started twenty years ago."
"Twenty years?" the startled doctor exclaimed.
"Yep. I had just started as an apprentice to Sean O'Toole and I was sleeping in his hayloft. The first night, his young daughter climbed up into the hayloft and asked me if there was anything she could do for me. I said, 'No, I'm comfortable.' and she left."
"So?" asked the doctor.
"Then, the next night, she climbed up there again, but this time wearing only a nightgown. 'Now is there anything I can do for you?' she asked me and again I told her, 'Nope. I'm good.' "
"I don't understand," said the doctor.
"Then, on the third night, she climbed up there stark naked and asked me the same thing. And again, I said I was fine, and she left."
"I'm confused," said the doctor. "What does this have to do with your broken foot?"
"I'm getting' there, doc. This afternoon, when I finally realized what she meant, I got so mad I kicked a brick wall!"

 

[smoothdevil]

1. An Irish Intimate Moment

The Irish couple was making out on the sofa.
"What are you thinking about?" moaned Maureen.
"Same thing as you," replied Ryan.
So he got up, dashed to the refrigerator, and brought back two beers!

2. The Broken Foot

The Irishman hobbled into a doctor's office. "I think I broke my foot."
"What happened?"
"Well, it all started twenty years ago."
"Twenty years?" the startled doctor exclaimed.
"Yep. I had just started as an apprentice to Sean O'Toole and I was sleeping in his hayloft. The first night, his young daughter climbed up into the hayloft and asked me if there was anything she could do for me. I said, 'No, I'm comfortable.' and she left."
"So?" asked the doctor.
"Then, the next night, she climbed up there again, but this time wearing only a nightgown. 'Now is there anything I can do for you?' she asked me and again I told her, 'Nope. I'm good.' "
"I don't understand," said the doctor.
"Then, on the third night, she climbed up there stark naked and asked me the same thing. And again, I said I was fine, and she left."
"I'm confused," said the doctor. "What does this have to do with your broken foot?"
"I'm getting' there, doc. This afternoon, when I finally realized what she meant, I got so mad I kicked a brick wall!"

LMAO .... there is slow and there is slow ... lol

 

[smoothdevil]

Men's and women's dictionaries

worth repeating ...............

The Man's Dictionary ...


"That's women's work." - REALLY MEANS: "It's dirty, boring, thankless and I wouldn't ask a dog to do it."

"Will you marry me?" - REALLY MEANS: "Both my roommates have f****d off, the sink is full and I'm running out of clean clothes ."

"It's a man thing." - REALLY MEANS: "F*** off, its nothing to do with you."

"Can I help with dinner?" - REALLY MEANS: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain." - REALLY MEANS: "It doesn't involve cooking, washing, cleaning, shoes or hair styles so you wont understand."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." - REALLY MEANS: "I need to get some new batteries for the remote."

"Oh dear, we're going to be late." - REALLY MEANS: "You are allowed to drive over 25mph."

"Take a break Love, you're working too hard." - REALLY MEANS: "I can't hear the TV over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." - REALLY MEANS: "F*** me, are you still talking?"

"Darling, we don't need material things to prove our love." - REALLY MEANS: "I forgot our anniversary again."

It's really a good movie." - REALLY MEANS: "It's got guns, violence, fast cars and naked women."


The Woman's Dictionary...


"Fine" - This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

"Five minutes" - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

"Nothing" - "Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) - This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) - this is NOT permission, either. It means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

"Loud Sigh" - This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!."

"Soft Sigh" - Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

"Oh" - This word, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie). Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

"That's Okay" - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do" - This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

"Thanks" - The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

"Thanks A Lot" - "Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong

 

[kayte]

Men's and women's dictionaries

worth repeating ...............

The Man's Dictionary ...


"That's women's work." - REALLY MEANS: "It's dirty, boring, thankless and I wouldn't ask a dog to do it."

"Will you marry me?" - REALLY MEANS: "Both my roommates have f****d off, the sink is full and I'm running out of clean clothes ."

"It's a man thing." - REALLY MEANS: "F*** off, its nothing to do with you."

"Can I help with dinner?" - REALLY MEANS: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain." - REALLY MEANS: "It doesn't involve cooking, washing, cleaning, shoes or hair styles so you wont understand."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." - REALLY MEANS: "I need to get some new batteries for the remote."

"Oh dear, we're going to be late." - REALLY MEANS: "You are allowed to drive over 25mph."

"Take a break Love, you're working too hard." - REALLY MEANS: "I can't hear the TV over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." - REALLY MEANS: "F*** me, are you still talking?"

"Darling, we don't need material things to prove our love." - REALLY MEANS: "I forgot our anniversary again."

It's really a good movie." - REALLY MEANS: "It's got guns, violence, fast cars and naked women."


The Woman's Dictionary...


"Fine" - This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

"Five minutes" - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

"Nothing" - "Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) - This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) - this is NOT permission, either. It means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

"Loud Sigh" - This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!."

"Soft Sigh" - Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

"Oh" - This word, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie). Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

"That's Okay" - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do" - This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

"Thanks" - The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

"Thanks A Lot" - "Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong

Good morning {{{{{{Smooth}}}}}}

That's it! All is clear now.

 

[smoothdevil]

"So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM CALIFORNIA IF:

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10.. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks who is wearing a baseball cap, sunglasses and looks like George Clooney... really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH.."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!! Is pot still illegal??

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19.. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license...if you're here illegally, they'll give you one.

 

[goodgurlgetsbad]

"So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM CALIFORNIA IF:

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10.. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks who is wearing a baseball cap, sunglasses and looks like George Clooney... really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH.."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!! Is pot still illegal??

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19.. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license...if you're here illegally, they'll give you one.

~~~~~~~~~
had me laughing out loud- lol thanks

 

[smoothdevil]

In appreciation of MOMS ..... enjoy

These are real answers given by 2nd grade children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us get out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones.
Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me..

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

 

[kayte]

"So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM CALIFORNIA IF:

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10.. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks who is wearing a baseball cap, sunglasses and looks like George Clooney... really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH.."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!! Is pot still illegal??

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19.. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license...if you're here illegally, they'll give you one.

Good morning {{{{{Smooth}}}}}

Thank you so much for the laughs!

 

[kayte]

Remote curtain opener.

What retired engineers do

 

[kayte]

In appreciation of MOMS ..... enjoy

These are real answers given by 2nd grade children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us get out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones.
Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me..

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Absolutely priceless! Thank you!

 

[goodgurlgetsbad]

In appreciation of MOMS ..... enjoy

These are real answers given by 2nd grade children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us get out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones.
Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me..

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

~~~~~~~ another good one- kids say the funniest things- even my lil one !!!-thanks again

 

[MsTexas]

An old bull and a young bull were standing on a mountain looking down over a heard of heifers. The young bull says let's run down there and fuck one. The old bull says let's walk down there and fuck them all ...

 

[goodgurlgetsbad]

its not only babies that say the darnest things :
I overheard my 2 elderly female patients bickering
lady1 : ur so ugly ur damn ugly
lady 2: I am beautiful coz God made me
lady1: well God must have been asleep when he made you

 

[kayte]

An old bull and a young bull were standing on a mountain looking down over a heard of heifers. The young bull says let's run down there and fuck one. The old bull says let's walk down there and fuck them all ...

Wise to save the energy for the fun stuff!

 

[settledseas]

The Lone Ranger & Tonto






The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'





'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to
be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'





'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.

 

[smoothdevil]

Quotes about Sex...


If sex isn't a joke, what is?" (Nella Larsen)
...

"I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax." (Scott Roeben)

"Anyone who says that gratuitous sex is no substitute for gratuitous violence obviously hasn't had enough gratuitous sex." (Geoff Spear)

"I love sex. It's free and doesn't require special shoes." (Anonymous)

"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." (Anonymous)

"For me, love is very deep, but sex only has to go a few inches." (Stacy Nelkin)

"Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes." (Marilyn Sokol)

"During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else." (Richard Lewis)

"The only difference between friends and lovers is about four minutes." (Scott Roeben)

"It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean." (Mae West)

"There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that." (Lewis Grizzard)

"Nothing makes you forget about love like sex." (Staci Beasley)

"I read so many bad things about sex that I had to give up reading." (Anonymous)

"Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them." (Kevin Costner, Tin Cup)

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet." (Emo Philips)

"Just saying 'no' prevents teenage pregnancy the way 'Have a nice day'cures chronic depression." (Faye Wattleton)

"I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible." (Leslie Nielsen)

"I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection. She pulled a switchblade on me." (Scott Roeben)

"If sex doesn't scare the cat, you're not doing it right." (Anonymous)

"Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn." (Garrison Keillor)

"I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw." (Tallulah Bankhead

 

[smoothdevil]

An old bull and a young bull were standing on a mountain looking down over a heard of heifers. The young bull says let's run down there and fuck one. The old bull says let's walk down there and fuck them all ...

Brains always beat brawn .... eventually ... lol

 

[IhateClowns]

Why Men do not Write Advice Columns

Dear Mike,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband Allan in the house watching the Raiders game as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get Allan’s help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter. I am 45, my husband is 68, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He retired 14 years ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

-----------------

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Mike

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

How To Tell The Sex Of A Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked."How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

[kayte]

The Lone Ranger & Tonto






The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'





'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to
be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'





'You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent.

So very funny Settled! Hope you are having a wonderful weekend!

 

[kayte]

Quotes about Sex...


If sex isn't a joke, what is?" (Nella Larsen)
...

"I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax." (Scott Roeben)

"Anyone who says that gratuitous sex is no substitute for gratuitous violence obviously hasn't had enough gratuitous sex." (Geoff Spear)

"I love sex. It's free and doesn't require special shoes." (Anonymous)

"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." (Anonymous)

"For me, love is very deep, but sex only has to go a few inches." (Stacy Nelkin)

"Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes." (Marilyn Sokol)

"During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else." (Richard Lewis)

"The only difference between friends and lovers is about four minutes." (Scott Roeben)

"It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean." (Mae West)

"There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that." (Lewis Grizzard)

"Nothing makes you forget about love like sex." (Staci Beasley)

"I read so many bad things about sex that I had to give up reading." (Anonymous)

"Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them." (Kevin Costner, Tin Cup)

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet." (Emo Philips)

"Just saying 'no' prevents teenage pregnancy the way 'Have a nice day'cures chronic depression." (Faye Wattleton)

"I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible." (Leslie Nielsen)

"I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection. She pulled a switchblade on me." (Scott Roeben)

"If sex doesn't scare the cat, you're not doing it right." (Anonymous)

"Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn." (Garrison Keillor)

"I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw." (Tallulah Bankhead

{{{{{{Smooth}}}}} Absolutely marvelous!