Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

Something to think about.

 

[kayte]

1. Aviation Sayings

1. "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
2. Without ammunition, the U.S. Air Force would be just another expensive flying club."
3. "I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
4. "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we've never left one up there!"
5. "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
6. "The three most common "famous last words" in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?" and "Oh SH*T!"

2. At A Backwoods Bar

A guy walks into a bar in the backwoods of a southern state and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?"
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"
The man says, "I mount animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar... "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

 

[smoothdevil]

The Power of a Badge.....

A DEA officer stops at a cattle ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay , but you can't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes in a rage of temper. " Mister, I have the unlimited authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and arrogantly displays it up close in the rancher's face.

"See this badge, buddy? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any part of your land I choose. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand me, old man? "

The rancher nods politely and says "Yes, sir," then goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud terrified screams and sees the DEA officer in the field running for his life chased by the rancher's huge Santa Gertrudis bull......

The bull is fast gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely he'll get gored before he reaches safety. His screams reach a fever pitch.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge officer....show him your BADGE!!"

 

[kayte]

The Power of a Badge.....

A DEA officer stops at a cattle ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay , but you can't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes in a rage of temper. " Mister, I have the unlimited authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and arrogantly displays it up close in the rancher's face.

"See this badge, buddy? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any part of your land I choose. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand me, old man? "

The rancher nods politely and says "Yes, sir," then goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud terrified screams and sees the DEA officer in the field running for his life chased by the rancher's huge Santa Gertrudis bull......

The bull is fast gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely he'll get gored before he reaches safety. His screams reach a fever pitch.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge officer....show him your BADGE!!"

Thank you {{{{Smooth}}}}} LMAO!!!

 

[Hainoon]

Please Don't Taz Me Bro...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance hat it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy, AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dummy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A B#@CH... That hurt like he?&!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking fo my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!




"No trees were killed in the making of this email......however,
a large number of electrons were diverted from where they
originally wanted to go."

 

[goodgurlgetsbad]

my lil pre schooler screaming " Pussy Pussy " - horrified~~ I ran into his room, he was watching Thomas the Train on his TV and screaming "Percy; Percy !!!" Mommy gets so potty minded

 

[Hainoon]

Three penguins

First, for you twisted computer junkies, Check out The Wesite is Down: Computer Guy Vs. Web Dude ( this has been around for several years, but it is so fucking funny.) You can google it so you know that it is safe.

So three penguins are driving across country when their car breaks down, and, as luck would would it, they coast to a stop in front of a mechanic's garage. When they get out of the car and ask the mechanic to fix their car, he looks at his watch and says "its almost lunch time, and it will take me a couple of hours to check out your car. Town is just a few blocks down the road, so why don't you guys get some lunch and come back after you have finished eating."

So, the penguins walk to town and find an ice cream shop, and of course, penguins love ice cream. So they order some vanilla ice cream cones and decide to order another round. By the way, penguins are very messy eaters, and before long they have ice cream smeared from head to toe. After they finish, they waddle back to the garage.

As they approach, the mechanic was looking under the hood. When they came up to the side of the car, he closed the hood, wiped his hands off, and said, "Well guys, it looks like you blew a seal."

"No", they said, "We were just eating ice cream!"

 

[done_got_old]

http://natebloch.com/

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

http://i435.photobucket.com/albums/qq73/Jaded1pics/7a969d15.jpg

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

A man hears a soft knock at the bottom of his door. Slightly confused, he opens it and sees nothing but a small snail attached to the door. He pries off the snail and flings it across the yard to the bushes, then closes the door.

Six-months later, the man hears a soft knock at the bottom of his door again. He opens it up and sees a snail again attached to the door.

Looking down at it, he sees the snail look up and him and say, "So, what was the deal?"

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

A man hears a soft knock at the bottom of his door. Slightly confused, he opens it and sees nothing but a small snail attached to the door. He pries off the snail and flings it across the yard to the bushes, then closes the door.

Six-months later, the man hears a soft knock at the bottom of his door again. He opens it up and sees a snail again attached to the door.

Looking down at it, he sees the snail look up and him and say, "So, what was the deal?"

LOL I saw that one in Training Day.

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

LOL I saw that one in Training Day.

I saw it on Wheel of Fortune...lol...as embarrassing as that is to admit...lol

 

[kayte]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!?

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance hat it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy, AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dummy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A B#@CH... That hurt like he?&!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking fo my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!




"No trees were killed in the making of this email......however,
a large number of electrons were diverted from where they
originally wanted to go."

LMAO! Such a visual. Thank you!

 

[kayte]

my lil pre schooler screaming " Pussy Pussy " - horrified~~ I ran into his room, he was watching Thomas the Train on his TV and screaming "Percy; Percy !!!" Mommy gets so potty minded

ROTFLMAO!! Thank you for sharing that!

 

[kayte]

Lizard Birth

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do..

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! )

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked
"
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . ...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife..

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly..
"
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that .. ..
I'm picturing you pulling on its . .. . its. . teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30..

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

 

[kayte]

http://natebloch.com/

Thank you {{{{{{DGO}}}}}}

 

[Raindear816]

ROTFLMAO!!! Excellent!

 

[goodgurlgetsbad]

LMAOOOOO- loved that !!!

 

[kayte]

Airport Customs

A distinguished young woman on flight from Switzerland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?" the priest replied.
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" the woman asked.
"I would love to help you, but I must warn you: I will not lie!" The priest told her.
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.
When they got to Customs, the young woman let the priest go ahead of her.

The Customs official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," said the priest.
The officials thought this answer a bit strange, so he asked, "And what to you have to declare from your waist to the floor, Father?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused," answered the priest.
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

 

[kayte]

Good morning!


1. The Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren," the old man began. "Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
"Are you sorry for your sins?" the Priest asks.
"What sins?" asked the old man.
"What kind of a Catholic are you?" demands the Priest.
"I'm Jewish," said the old man.
"Then why are you telling me all this?" asks the Priest.
"I'm telling everybody," replied the old man.

2. The Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone ..."Top of the morning to you!"
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will!"

 

[Deleted member 1177770]

http://www.leasticoulddo.com/comic/20030214

 

[kayte]

Retirement

The two little old ladies had been long-time close friends but, being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.
It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.
When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caregivers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."
"Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it," said Mrs. Murphy.
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."
"For sure it's a blessing!" said Mrs.Murphy. "I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen."
"And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?" asked Mrs. Cohen.
Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.
"Good for you! So what do you do?" asked Mrs. Cohen.
"We go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."
"Yes? And then....?" the curious Mrs. Cohen asked.
"Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we screw."

 

[kayte]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who should be the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge.

 

[done_got_old]

A Kentucky farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

[kayte]

A Kentucky farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

ROTFLMAO!