Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

Brains always beat brawn .... eventually ... lol

LOL!

 

[kayte]

Why Men do not Write Advice Columns

Dear Mike,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband Allan in the house watching the Raiders game as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get Allan’s help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter. I am 45, my husband is 68, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He retired 14 years ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

-----------------

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Mike

ROTFLMAO That is wonderful {{{{{IHC}}}} Hope you are having a wonderful weekend.

 

[kayte]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked."How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Grinning! That's it!

 

[smoothdevil]

HOMESICK



A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops
Off at a brothel outside of Reno, Nevada.

He walks up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
I want your ugliest woman and a burn't pork chop!!

The Madam is astonished.......
'But sir, for that kind of money you Could have one of my finest ladies
and a lovely three-course meal.

The trucker replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . I'm homesick.

 

[smoothdevil]

Doctor's terminology ....

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

 

[goodgurlgetsbad]

If I had a hat- I'd say hats off to you for your funny jokes and funny everything

 

[neci]

Why Men do not Write Advice Columns

Dear Mike,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband Allan in the house watching the Raiders game as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get Allan’s help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter. I am 45, my husband is 68, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He retired 14 years ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila

-----------------

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Mike

this thread is wonderful. thank you to everyone who posts here. i have been laughing my ass off this morning.

 

[kayte]

HOMESICK



A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops
Off at a brothel outside of Reno, Nevada.

He walks up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
I want your ugliest woman and a burn't pork chop!!

The Madam is astonished.......
'But sir, for that kind of money you Could have one of my finest ladies
and a lovely three-course meal.

The trucker replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . I'm homesick.

Good afternoon {{{{{Smooth}}}}} Thank you! That has me LMAO!

 

[kayte]

Doctor's terminology ....

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

Another marvelous one. {{{{{Smooth}}}}}

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Flat Belly

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up."

 

[kayte]

Subject: OBAMA STAMP


THE POSTAL SERVICES CREATED A STAMP WITH A PICTURE OF PRESIDENT OBAMA ON IT. THE POSTAL SERVICE NOTICED THAT THE STAMP WAS NOT STICKING TO ENVELOPES. THIS ENRAGED THE PRESIDENT, WHO DEMANDED A FULL INVESTIGATION. AFTER A MONTH OF TESTING AND $ 1.73 MILLION IN CONGRESSIONAL SPENDING, A SPECIAL PRESIDENTIAL COMMISSION PRESENTED THE FOLLOWING FINDINGS:



Ø THE STAMP IS IN PERFECT ORDER



Ø THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE GLUE, PEOPLE ARE SPITTING ON THE WRONG SIDE!

 

[kayte]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up."

Good evening HoneyBear ~ That is great. Thank you.

 

[kayte]

Pigs For Sale

A city slicker decided to buy himself a pig, so he drove to the country until he saw a sign that read: "PIGS FOR SALE".
Turning into the driveway, he spotted the farmer, told him what he wanted, and they agreed on a price. They went to the barn where the farmer picked up a pig by the tail with his teeth. "Yup, that there swine weighs 74 pounds."
Noting the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that manner.
The city slicker, however, insisted on a second opinion. So the farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result using the same technique.
The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but the farmer said to go on up to the house and pay his wife. The man could then bring the receipt back to the farmer and take the pig.
After a long wait, the city slicker finally returned, but without a receipt.
"What's the problem, son?" asked the farmer.
"I went up there like you said," said the man, "And your wife was too busy."
"Busy doing what?"
"Well, don't quote me on this," he warned, "But I think she was weighing the milkman."

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Go Blondie

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it.

Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Some Problem

A young good looking cowboy walked into a drug store in Wyoming and asked to talk with a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.

The cowpoke said it was something he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection.

It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll have to talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said, ‘We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:

1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month living expenses.

 

[smoothdevil]

A young good looking cowboy walked into a drug store in Wyoming and asked to talk with a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.

The cowpoke said it was something he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection.

It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll have to talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said, ‘We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:

1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month living expenses.

greaaaaaaaaaat

 

[kayte]

1. Nine

I had to meet a friend of mine in a bar last week in the German Village area of Columbus, Ohio. It was a business meeting, so I made sure to dress a little spiffier than my normal jean shorts and T.
As I walked into the bar, I noticed Wayne was sitting at a table right next to a table occupied by a couple of drop-dead gorgeous blonde babes. As I passed them on the way to sitting down with Wayne, I noticed the girls gave me a "once-over" look. I was secretly pleased when one of them turned to the other and whispered to the other, "Nine."
Well, hell, maybe I better try this dressing up thing more often, I thought.
I told Wayne about it when I sat down that the gorgeous blonde had just rated me a nine out of ten.
"I don't wanna burst your bubble," said Wayne, "But as you came in, those girls were speaking German."

2. At The Marriage Counselor's

An upset couple entered the marriage counselor's office.
"What's bothering you this week?" asked the counselor.
"Well," answered the husband, "my wife and I can't agree on our vacation. I want to go to Bermuda. And she wants to go with me!"

 

[kayte]

A young good looking cowboy walked into a drug store in Wyoming and asked to talk with a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.

The cowpoke said it was something he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection.

It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll have to talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said, ‘We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:

1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month living expenses.

That is great! Thank you HBF.

 

[done_got_old]

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God
appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased Me greatly. Your heart
is full of love for your fellow creatures and your
actions and prayers are always for the benefit of
others. I have come to you, not only to thank and
commend you, but to grant you anything you wish."

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a
bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for
nothing material since the Church supports me. I am
content in all ways."

"There must be something you would have of Me."

"Well, there is one thing ..."

"Just name it."

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to
blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for
blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done. Blonde jokes shall be stricken
from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely
there is something that I could do just for you?"

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not
worth Your time."

"Name it. Please."

"It's the M&M's. They're so hard to peel ..."

 

[kayte]

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God
appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased Me greatly. Your heart
is full of love for your fellow creatures and your
actions and prayers are always for the benefit of
others. I have come to you, not only to thank and
commend you, but to grant you anything you wish."

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a
bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for
nothing material since the Church supports me. I am
content in all ways."

"There must be something you would have of Me."

"Well, there is one thing ..."

"Just name it."

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to
blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for
blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done. Blonde jokes shall be stricken
from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely
there is something that I could do just for you?"

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not
worth Your time."

"Name it. Please."

"It's the M&M's. They're so hard to peel ..."

Thank you {{{{{DGO}}}}}

That is one of the funniest blond jokes I've seen!

 

[done_got_old]

Thank you {{{{{DGO}}}}}

That is one of the funniest blond jokes I've seen!

I have to agree with you. I'm glad you liked it.

 

[smoothdevil]

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God
appeared before her.

"My daughter, you have pleased Me greatly. Your heart
is full of love for your fellow creatures and your
actions and prayers are always for the benefit of
others. I have come to you, not only to thank and
commend you, but to grant you anything you wish."

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a
bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for
nothing material since the Church supports me. I am
content in all ways."

"There must be something you would have of Me."

"Well, there is one thing ..."

"Just name it."

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to
blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for
blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done. Blonde jokes shall be stricken
from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely
there is something that I could do just for you?"

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not
worth Your time."

"Name it. Please."

"It's the M&M's. They're so hard to peel ..."

suuuuuuuuuuuuuupppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Hot & Cold Sex

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after we have sex the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."?

Later, after examining the elderly gentleman's wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?" She replied she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then told her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"?

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.."

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?

 

[kayte]

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after we have sex the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."?

Later, after examining the elderly gentleman's wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?" She replied she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then told her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"?

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.."

LMAO! Thank you HBF ~ That is great!