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Laughter is Contagious

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taborgirl said:
I couldn't help but laugh when I saw this.
Click to expand...

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ROTFLMAO!!!! :D
 
There is a new store open in New York called the Husban Store. In this store women can pick any man that they want. The rules are posted on the first floor where the sign in sheet is located.

The rules are as follows.

Here you will find any man that you desire. You can choose only one man from any floor. Once you pass a floor, you can not come back down except to exit. Enjoy and decide wisely.

A woman walks into the store and signs in. She comes to the first floor sign.
On the first floor the sign reads.
Men on this floor have jobs.
She thinks well that is good, but I want more. She proceeds to the second floor.

Here the sign reads
These men have jobs and love children.
She is intreaged with these men even more.
She continues to the third fllor where the sign reads

These men have jobs, love children and enjoy doing housework.
Wow, she thinks. Ive got to know what is next.
She goes to the forth floor. Here the sign reads
These men have jobs, love children, enjoy doing housework and will make you cun every night.
Oh, this is too good to be true, she moves on to the fith floor where the sign reads

These men have jobs, love children, enjoy doing housework, will make you cun every night and will cook you dinner every night.
She is getting excited as she moves to the sixth floor. Here the sign reads

These men have jobs, love children, enjoy doing housework, will make you cun every night, will cook you dinner every night and are incredibly handsome.
She is very excited at this point but just has to know what is on the top floor. As she enters the seventh floor, all she finds is a sign that reads

You are the 32,427,323 visitor to this floor. It's only purpose is to show that no woman can be pleased.
 
Blueeyedbob said:
There is a new store open in New York called the Husban Store. In this store women can pick any man that they want. The rules are posted on the first floor where the sign in sheet is located.
You are the 32,427,323 visitor to this floor. It's only purpose is to show that no woman can be pleased.
Click to expand...

Okay now THAT was funny!
 
newbiebabe said:
Okay now THAT was funny!
Click to expand...

The creators of the Husband store have opened a wife store accross the street. the rules are the same as the Husband Store.

The first floor sign reads
These women are gorgeous

The second floor reads these women are goreous and love to have sex.

No one has ever been to the 3rd 4th 5th 6th or 7th floor.
 
Blueeyedbob said:
The creators of the Husband store have opened a wife store accross the street. the rules are the same as the Husband Store.

The first floor sign reads
These women are gorgeous

The second floor reads these women are goreous and love to have sex.

No one has ever been to the 3rd 4th 5th 6th or 7th floor.
Click to expand...

Literally laughed out loud on this one -- Just like a man!

Thanks for the grins!
 
In honor of the date...

At an Applebee's restaraunt:

"NOTICE: EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"
 
Priceless!

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.+

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
 
THE PERFECT HUSBAND...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else
in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this
beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it
OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes
dealership and saw the new 2010 Models. I saw
one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all
the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the
house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $950,000.'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an
offer of $900,000. They will probably take it.
If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's
really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you
so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker
room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths
agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
 
Hello, is this the Police Office?
''Yes. What can I do for you?'
I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbour Jack Murphy...He's hidin' Marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'
Thank you very much for the call, sir.
The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house .
They search the shed where the firewood is kept . Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Jack and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house . 'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
Yep!'
Happy Birthday, buddy!
(Newfies know how to get'er done )
 
A Newfie - let's call him Kenny, is driving home after downing a few at the
local pub.

He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the
road.

He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet
another tree directly in his path.

He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom
course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees!

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a
stop.

The officer approaches Kenny's car and asks him what on Earth he was doing!

Kenny tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer
stops him mid sentence and says . . .

' Fer Chris' sakes Kenny!

That's yer air freshener!'
 
A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
>
 
K, last one today. Promise.

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .......
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
 
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

:devil:
 
PolyLvr said:
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .......
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Click to expand...

:D

It's all in the accent.
 
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
 
Sheena_Sinzli said:
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
Click to expand...

ingenious
 
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the bastard who pushed me in the pool!"
 
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
 
Wisdom from Military Manuals


When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal-

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - US Air Force Manual

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur -

'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance Manual-

'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' -Infantry Journal -

The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you. -Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.' - Maritime Ops Manual -

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'- Unknown Marine Recruit-

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' -USAF Ammo Troop-

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.' - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'-Paul F.. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.' -Unknown Author-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.' - Fixed Wing Pilot-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.' -Multi-Engine Training Manual-

'Without ammunition, the USAF is just an expensive flying club.' -Unknown Author-

'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.' If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because you're the pilot.'

-Pre-flight Briefing from a 104 Pilot-

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'

-Sign over Control Tower Door-

'Never trade luck for skill.' -Author Unknown-

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!'

Or as (appended from the Texas Air National Guard): "Hold my beer and watch this!" -Authors Unknown-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'

-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation - we have never left one up there!' - Unknown Author -

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'

- Emergency Checklist-

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'

-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'

- Sign over Carrier Group Operations Desk-

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,

'What happened?'The pilot's reply:

'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
 
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