kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
THE HEARING TEST
Fearing his wife wasn't hearing as well as she
used to, a worried husband thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the
family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the
husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea
about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet
away from her, and in a normal speaking tone, say something to her and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response. Then call me back and let me know."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and
he was in the den. He thinks to himself, "I'm about 40 feet
away from her, let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
He moves closer to the kitchen, and when about 30 feet away he repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room which is about 20 feet away and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
Now, feeling really bad for her, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again...no response.
So, he walks directly up behind her and says loudly, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
...
....
.....
......
.......
"Chicken, Ralph...for the FIFTH frigging time, CHICKEN!!"
Fearing his wife wasn't hearing as well as she
used to, a worried husband thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the
family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the
husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea
about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet
away from her, and in a normal speaking tone, say something to her and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response. Then call me back and let me know."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and
he was in the den. He thinks to himself, "I'm about 40 feet
away from her, let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
He moves closer to the kitchen, and when about 30 feet away he repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room which is about 20 feet away and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
Now, feeling really bad for her, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again...no response.
So, he walks directly up behind her and says loudly, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
...
....
.....
......
.......
"Chicken, Ralph...for the FIFTH frigging time, CHICKEN!!"
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Good evening ga ~ LMAO!
Good morning kayte.
And God Created...
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Wisconsin, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Wisconsin are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "Not very far from Wisconsin is Washington, D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
THE HEARING TEST
Fearing his wife wasn't hearing as well as she
used to, a worried husband thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the
family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the
husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea
about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet
away from her, and in a normal speaking tone, say something to her and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response. Then call me back and let me know."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and
he was in the den. He thinks to himself, "I'm about 40 feet
away from her, let's see what happens."
In a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
He moves closer to the kitchen, and when about 30 feet away he repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room which is about 20 feet away and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
Now, feeling really bad for her, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again...no response.
So, he walks directly up behind her and says loudly, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
...
....
.....
......
.......
"Chicken, Ralph...for the FIFTH frigging time, CHICKEN!!"
Good morning {{{{{{Smooth}}}}}
Thank you! ROTFLMAO!
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Good morning kayte.
And God Created...
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Wisconsin, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Wisconsin are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "Not very far from Wisconsin is Washington, D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
Good morning {{{{{ga}}}}} I love it! Thank you for the grins and giggles. Have a terrific Tuesday.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Groan-Worthy Puns
Groan-Worthy Puns
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted – taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Groan-Worthy Puns
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia – the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted – taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Good morning kayte.
And God Created...
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
............................
God smiled, "Not very far from Wisconsin is Washington, D.C. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
S U P E R .... LMAOF
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Warning For Women
IMPORTANT WARNING
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had heir kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves?
Well, my thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.
It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.
This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story.
Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and me!
The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart.
Always remember to laugh!! Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!!
p.p.s. Those same thieves come in my closet and shrink my clothes! How do they do it????
IMPORTANT WARNING
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had heir kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves?
Well, my thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.
It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.
This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story.
Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and me!
The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart.
Always remember to laugh!! Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!!
p.p.s. Those same thieves come in my closet and shrink my clothes! How do they do it????
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
West Virginia FARM KID in Marines
West Virginia FARM KID in Marines
(NOW IN SAN DIEGO FOR MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of wea k on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
West Virginia FARM KID in Marines
(NOW IN SAN DIEGO FOR MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of wea k on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and
'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :....... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :.... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:.... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :...... Monica... ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :...... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99
Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic:.... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :....... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :.... Let's not go there.
Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.
Titanic:.... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :...... Monica... ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :...... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
The Drunk
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.
When he arrived at the door, he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.
When he arrived at the door, he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
likes2watchU
I need a nap
- Joined
- Jun 6, 2009
- Posts
- 17,455
The Irish Millionaire...
Mick, from Dublin, appeared recently on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. Towards the end of the program he had won 500,000 pounds.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter. "But for a million pounds... you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question -- will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have it a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?" asked Tarrant.
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll have to use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances... and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin' Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple... It's a Cuckoo."
"Are you sure?" asked Mick.
"I'm fookin' sure!!"
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long, long pause, and then the presenter screamed "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won one million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" asked Mick.
To which Paddy replied, "Because he lives in a fookin' clock, of course!"
Mick, from Dublin, appeared recently on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. Towards the end of the program he had won 500,000 pounds.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter. "But for a million pounds... you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question -- will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have it a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?" asked Tarrant.
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll have to use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances... and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin' Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple... It's a Cuckoo."
"Are you sure?" asked Mick.
"I'm fookin' sure!!"
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long, long pause, and then the presenter screamed "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won one million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" asked Mick.
To which Paddy replied, "Because he lives in a fookin' clock, of course!"
a quick exerpt from the sportsguy's lastest column regarding the Lebron James situation that made me laugh.
City: Cleveland
Name: Jeff
I've figured out the moral of the story: Stay in school.
Wade: 3 years at Marquette
Bosh: 1 year at Georgia Tech
The kid from Akron: no college
The most educated guy convinced his dumber friends to come play on his team for less money.
City: Cleveland
Name: Jeff
I've figured out the moral of the story: Stay in school.
Wade: 3 years at Marquette
Bosh: 1 year at Georgia Tech
The kid from Akron: no college
The most educated guy convinced his dumber friends to come play on his team for less money.
reachedme
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 9, 2009
- Posts
- 5,322
Lets try again
Australian Mateship
Shiela didn't come home one night. When Bruce asks her where she's been she says she spent the night at a girlfriends house. Bruce is a bit suspicious so he rings her ten best friends but none of them had seen her
next week bruce doesn't come home one night. when he arrived the next morning Shiela asks him where he's been. Bruce says he a bit drunk and stayed at a mates place he didn't want to drink and drive. Shielas's a bit suspicious so she rings his ten best mates.
Eight said he spent the night and two said he was still asleep on the couch
Australian Mateship
Shiela didn't come home one night. When Bruce asks her where she's been she says she spent the night at a girlfriends house. Bruce is a bit suspicious so he rings her ten best friends but none of them had seen her
next week bruce doesn't come home one night. when he arrived the next morning Shiela asks him where he's been. Bruce says he a bit drunk and stayed at a mates place he didn't want to drink and drive. Shielas's a bit suspicious so she rings his ten best mates.
Eight said he spent the night and two said he was still asleep on the couch
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
R
Raindear816
Guest
THE DONKEY
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back, and beat the shit out of the farmer who had
tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of
the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back, and beat the shit out of the farmer who had
tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
R
Raindear816
Guest
15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their
sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when
they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code
3' in housewares . . and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your
nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different
size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
"PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then,
yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when
they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code
3' in housewares . . and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your
nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different
size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
"PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then,
yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
A cow, an Ant and an Old Fart
A cow, an Ant and an Old Fart
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
.
.
.
.
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
A cow, an Ant and an Old Fart
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
.
.
.
.
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
Last edited:
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
{{{{ga}}}}} Those are definitely worth sharing! Thank you for the grins!
You are very welcome kayte. {{{{{kayte}}}}}
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
- Status
Similar threads
