Laughter is Contagious

[smoothdevil]

Lines Men Think the Perfect Wife Would Say ~ tongue in cheek

1. I love it when you play golf on Sundays; I just wish you had time to play on Saturdays, too.
2. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

.....................................................


11. You look tired; you should go right to sleep as soon as we have sex tonight.
12. I signed up for yoga classes so I can get my ankles behind my head for you, honey.

G R E A T ..... LOL LOL LOL

 

[ga400us]

This gets me in trouble every time.

 

[ga400us]

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is direc tly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the lavatory & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee i s cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

 

[smoothdevil]

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

2...

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

so true .......... lol

 

[kayte]

This gets me in trouble every time.

Good morning ga400 ~ Yes that probably would! Thanks for sharing it.

 

[kayte]

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

Good morning ga ~ All of those laws are so true and applicable to so many situations. Applying the above one to kneading bread, or boning chicken. Just when your hands are full of dough, or all greasy from boning the chicken the phone will ring.

 

[ga400us]

Good morning ga ~ All of those laws are so true and applicable to so many situations. Applying the above one to kneading bread, or boning chicken. Just when your hands are full of dough, or all greasy from boning the chicken the phone will ring.

Good afternoon kayte. You are so right, one other thing missing from the list...just when you're starting to get 'busy' with your partner, the phone rings or there's a knock on the door.

Have a good one!

 

[ga400us]

Irish Logic

Finally - - An answer I can Understand.

An American tourist asks an Irishman, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies, "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the feckin boat."

 

[kayte]

Good afternoon kayte. You are so right, one other thing missing from the list...just when you're starting to get 'busy' with your partner, the phone rings or there's a knock on the door.

Have a good one!

Good afternoon {{{{ga}}}}} You've got that one right! Hope you are having a terrific Thursday.

 

[kayte]

THE KOHL's SHOPPING TRIP


(This is just too funny! This could only be true; you simply can't make this stuff up!)

Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit..no flies, no smell.. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured Ellen..'

Come on, Ellen, let's just go...'

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, 'I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue.. .'

She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover it.

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to K & W Cafeteria.

They went through the serving line and sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still on the trunk.

BUT not for long! As they ate, they noticed a big black woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car.. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision.. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement.

It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. 'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen.. 'The nerve of that woman!' Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief.

Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized the big black woman in the red gingham shirt with the Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:

After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat.

After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.

Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the big black woman with the red gingham shirt emerged, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney.

Two well-trained EMT volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors................the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!

God does take care of those who do bad things! AND once in a while...He allows us to witness!

 

[kayte]

Just A Weee Bit...

An extraordinarily handsome Scotsman decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
"They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place," said the farmer. "Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The Scotsman dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the Scotsman, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the Scotsman date one of his other daughters; so the Scotsman went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the Scotsman replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date his third daughter to see if things might be better.
So the Scotsman did.
The next morning the Scotsman rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the Scotsman visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen
considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

 

[ga400us]

THE KOHL's SHOPPING TRIP


(This is just too funny! This could only be true; you simply can't make this stuff up!)

Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit..no flies, no smell.. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured Ellen..'

Come on, Ellen, let's just go...'

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, 'I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue.. .'

She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover it.

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to K & W Cafeteria.

They went through the serving line and sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still on the trunk.

BUT not for long! As they ate, they noticed a big black woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car.. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision.. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement.

It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. 'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen.. 'The nerve of that woman!' Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief.

Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized the big black woman in the red gingham shirt with the Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:

After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat.

After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.

Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the big black woman with the red gingham shirt emerged, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney.

Two well-trained EMT volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors................the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!

God does take care of those who do bad things! AND once in a while...He allows us to witness!

Brilliant kayte! Thanks for that one.

I must admit, I was waiting for a pussy joke, but this was way better!

 

[ga400us]

Just A Weee Bit...

An extraordinarily handsome Scotsman decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
"They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place," said the farmer. "Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The Scotsman dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the Scotsman, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the Scotsman date one of his other daughters; so the Scotsman went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the Scotsman replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date his third daughter to see if things might be better.
So the Scotsman did.
The next morning the Scotsman rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the Scotsman visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen
considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

LOL, just a weeeee bit cute.

 

[kayte]

Lil' Johnny Gets Culture

Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Johnny hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, "Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!"
His mother was so embarrassed. "John, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!"
For the next month Little Johnny was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, she again took him to the same mall and, sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them.
Had Little Johnny learned anything from the great bard?
Yes!
This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out, "Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses?"

 

[kayte]

Perhaps a tad crass.... but funny.


Great White Dining Tip No. 1

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.
"Follow me, son," the father shark said to his son shark and they swam to the ship.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t inside

 

[ga400us]

Lil' Johnny Gets Culture

Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Johnny hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, "Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!"
His mother was so embarrassed. "John, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!"
For the next month Little Johnny was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, she again took him to the same mall and, sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them.
Had Little Johnny learned anything from the great bard?
Yes!
This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out, "Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses?"

ROFLMAO!

 

[ga400us]

Perhaps a tad crass.... but funny.


Great White Dining Tip No. 1

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.
"Follow me, son," the father shark said to his son shark and they swam to the ship.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t inside

 

[ga400us]

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

 

[kayte]

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

{{{{{ga}}}}}} That is absolutely priceless! Thank you.

Have a wonderful 4th of July weekend!

 

[kayte]

Pantyhose Quiz

Q. How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now, think about it ... it's not as easy as it sounds....

Ready?

Answer:
10 little piggies
2 calves
1 ass
An unknown number of hares
And, of course, 1 pussy

 

[kayte]

A couple was all dressed up and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on the nightlight and the answering machine, covered the parakeet, put the cat in the backyard, phoned the local cab company and ordered a taxi.

When the taxi arrived, they left through the front door, and their cat slipped back inside the house! They didn't want to leave the cat inside, so the wife got in the taxi while the husband went inside to put the cat out again.

Not wanting the driver to know that their home will be empty all evening, she told the driver, "my husband will be out soon; he just went upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

When the husband entered the cab, he said, "Sorry I took so long. The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

At that point that the cab driver hit a parked car ...

 

[PolyLvr]

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah - Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY - Five million people, Fifteen last names.

Dyslexics have more fnu.

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

 

[ga400us]

{{{{{ga}}}}}} That is absolutely priceless! Thank you.

Have a wonderful 4th of July weekend!

You're very welcome kayte. I'm happy I could brighten your day.

 

[ga400us]

Prayer For Grandpa

PRAYER FOR GRANDPA
This is just too beautiful not to share.


Dear God, please send clothes
for all those poor ladies
on grandpa's computer.
Amen!

 

[kayte]

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah - Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY - Five million people, Fifteen last names.

Dyslexics have more fnu.

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Hi Poly ~ Very very funny! Thank you!