smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
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G R E A T ................... a keeper ........ lol lol lol
Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
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G R E A T ................... a keeper ........ lol lol lol
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format;
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of the payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by Spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard Sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format;
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of the payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by Spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard Sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington ."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f**k is that on the balcony with Dave?"
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington ."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f**k is that on the balcony with Dave?"
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format;
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of the payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by Spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard Sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
Sounds like a plan! 
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Sweet Tea
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Good morning ga400us ~ What a giggle and a groaner. Hope you are having a fabulous Friday.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Good morning ga400us ~ What a giggle and a groaner. Hope you are having a fabulous Friday.
Yeah, giggle and groan. I am having a fabulous day thank you! I hope you have one as well, and the whole weekend, too!
Beware of the FIBS
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Mama's Bible
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful
doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother Who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar
theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You Notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have
my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the
good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The Chicken was delicious. Thank you."
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful
doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother Who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar
theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You Notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have
my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the
good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The Chicken was delicious. Thank you."
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Hi ga400us ~ Now I am really grinning and giggling. How often do FIBS invade your area?
Now that Summerfest is on they are all over.
My day has gone very well, thank you. Hope your weekend is a wonderful one.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Mama's Bible
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful
doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother Who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar
theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You Notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have
my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the
good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The Chicken was delicious. Thank you."
OH {{{{{Smooth}}}}}
That is perfect! Have a fantastic weekend!
PolyLvr
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2009
- Posts
- 1,849
My apologies if I repost something
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very, very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice...
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies,
"It's Keith. The midget."
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde .
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"
After the first day of a world brewing convention in the states, the CEO's of various brewing organisations retire to the bar.
Bruce, the CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman: "In 'Straiyla, we make the best beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters mate.
Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States we brew the finest beer known to mankind and i make the king of them all. Gimme a Bud".... See more
Hans steps up next: "In Germany we invented das beer. Give me ein Becks, der real King of beers."
Paddy, CEO of Guinness steps forward: "Barman give me a diet coke with ice and lemon please."
The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness Pat?"
To which Paddy replies "Well, if you pussies aren't drinking, then neither am I".
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very, very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice...
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies,
"It's Keith. The midget."
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde .
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"
After the first day of a world brewing convention in the states, the CEO's of various brewing organisations retire to the bar.
Bruce, the CEO of Fosters, shouts to the barman: "In 'Straiyla, we make the best beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters mate.
Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States we brew the finest beer known to mankind and i make the king of them all. Gimme a Bud".... See more
Hans steps up next: "In Germany we invented das beer. Give me ein Becks, der real King of beers."
Paddy, CEO of Guinness steps forward: "Barman give me a diet coke with ice and lemon please."
The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness Pat?"
To which Paddy replies "Well, if you pussies aren't drinking, then neither am I".
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Hi ga400us ~ Now I am really grinning and giggling. How often do FIBS invade your area?
Now that Summerfest is on they are all over.
My day has gone very well, thank you. Hope your weekend is a wonderful one.
We're fortunate, FIBS don't show up much around here. If they do, they're just called damn yankees like the rest of us!
Have a wonderful weekend kayte!
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Lines Men Think the Perfect Wife Would Say ~ tongue in cheek
1. I love it when you play golf on Sundays; I just wish you had time to play on Saturdays, too.
2. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
3. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
4. No, let me change the oil in the car.
5. Your mother did such a great job raising you.
6. Do me a favor: forget the stupid Valentine's Day gift and buy yourself a new putter.
7. It's okay; we have an anniversary every year. Why don't you go out with your buddies tonight; you'll have more fun.
8. Let's go to that new strip club.
9. I make enough money for both of us; why don't you retire?
10. What a great fart; can you pop another?
11. You look tired; you should go right to sleep as soon as we have sex tonight.
12. I signed up for yoga classes so I can get my ankles behind my head for you, honey.
1. I love it when you play golf on Sundays; I just wish you had time to play on Saturdays, too.
2. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
3. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
4. No, let me change the oil in the car.
5. Your mother did such a great job raising you.
6. Do me a favor: forget the stupid Valentine's Day gift and buy yourself a new putter.
7. It's okay; we have an anniversary every year. Why don't you go out with your buddies tonight; you'll have more fun.
8. Let's go to that new strip club.
9. I make enough money for both of us; why don't you retire?
10. What a great fart; can you pop another?
11. You look tired; you should go right to sleep as soon as we have sex tonight.
12. I signed up for yoga classes so I can get my ankles behind my head for you, honey.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Good morning Poly ~ Those are great. I really love the last one best!
Hope you are having a wonderful weekend. And don't worry about ever reposting anything.
I know I have done it. If something brings a smile to your face, it does to others too.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th weddinganniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six'
in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
*****************************************
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th weddinganniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six'
in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
*****************************************
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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Good morning ga ~ Thank you, hoping your weekend is a fabulous one.
My parents retired to WNC about 20 years ago. They learned there that there is a difference between yankees and damn yankees. They are damn yankees, they moved down there permanently. I'm considered a yankee as I come down, visit, spend money and leave. I still get a chuckle out of it. And where they are there is another group, Florida People. They live in FL, the central part and have a summer residence in WNC. They spend summers in the piedmont, mountain area of NC where it is relatively cool.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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Hi Poly ~ FIBS is a term used by WI residents to describe Illinois drivers. It stands for F*king Illinois Bastards. It may carry to the other states that share state borders with IL too.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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Good morning again ga ~ Those are fantastic. And in my case the only one I've ever heard or seen anywhere before is the last one, and that is a classic, bearing repeating.
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
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Good morning again ga ~ Those are fantastic. And in my case the only one I've ever heard or seen anywhere before is the last one, and that is a classic, bearing repeating.
Thanks kayte. They are pretty funny, and the last is a classic I agree. Have a wonderful day.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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