Lessons Learned

[surrenderedfaith]

One of the things about D/s that I appreciate the most is how it has the potential to teach you so much about yourself. I've found so much self improvement and growth through my time as a submissive. I find that I learn just as much through reading about other people's experiences and revelations as I do through my own experiences. not that I can just read it and accept it, or live it, but I cant count the number of times I've read something someone wrote that sent me into a huge bout of introspection.

So I'd like to create this space as a place for people to post the lessons they learn that they would either like to keep track of, or share with others in hopes of their growth.

Please keep this a positive space.



For starters I'll go with:
#1 Communication styles are even more important than love languages in some cases.

#2 Wait is service too.

I'm looking forward to hearing what others have to say.

 

[PaxNurgle]

Learning to really listen and obey, and keep your mind open to what they are saying- sometimes we all go into "automatic listening" mode, which means you already assume that you understand what your partner means or is trying to say, but you are actually missing the point.

Learning to be more sensuous, open to your partner's instructions on how to please them.

And also, the painful lesson of learning to protect yourself from harm, emotionally and financially.

 

[surrenderedfaith]

Learning to really listen and obey, and keep your mind open to what they are saying- sometimes we all go into "automatic listening" mode, which means you already assume that you understand what your partner means or is trying to say, but you are actually missing the point.

Learning to be more sensuous, open to your partner's instructions on how to please them.

And also, the painful lesson of learning to protect yourself from harm, emotionally and financially.

Thank you so much for these.
#1... passive automatic listening. Yes. Very much yes. In my life that tales the form of "listening to understand" not 'listening to respond". This is one I still struggle with at times. As well, forcing myself to take time to internalize rather than respond on impulse.

and #3... I'm sure that one was a hard won lesson. ... this one is one I'm not ready, myself to look at. Though there was a line in a movie recently that hit home along the same concept. I rebelled against it internally then too.

<3

 

[MizShaw]

Writing from a dominant perspective (I trust that is alright, surrenderedfaith, as this is a wonderful space you have created and I don't want to intrude): learning - and accepting - that you won't necessarily be able to be everything to/for your partner.

By that, I mean learning to appreciate that your partner may have entirely valid needs that you will not be able to meet (directly/personally) for them ... and finding creative ways to make sure their needs are met!

 

[surrenderedfaith]

Absolutely Ms.Em,
AMEN. That is HARD especially, I believe, the deeper the relationship is. It seems to be hard for both sides of the slash to accept! I know for myself, as a submissive, I need NEED to be able to satisfy my Person. Anything less feels like a very personal failure. By watching my Dominant partners in the past, I've seen that be one of their GREATEST struggles... especially amplified by the level of responsibility they feel for me.


I'll add, the ability for both partners to constantly readdress and reassess their needs openly with eachother. I think it's very hard for a submissive to SPEAK their needs sometimes for fear of making their Dominant feel ... inadequate or lacking. I think many times we also try to problem solve for ourselves in ways that can be MASSIVELY detrimental. <<< GUILTY
sometimes we do so because we are trying not to cause our Person stress or difficulty, but in so doing we communicate messages we didnt intend:
The dominant hears:
1. I dont trust you to solve this
2. I dont want you to fix it
3. I do not respect you enough to bring this problem to you

Ack!
When what we were TRYING to Express was
1. I dont want to add stress
2. I dont want to be a burden
3. I dont know how to address this without endangering us ( red flag)


So my follow up is, if I may ask, as a Dominant who learned this lesson... what is your advice to Dominants struggling with the same concept? What do you advise to submissives who are feeling things similar to what I expressed in relation to how to approach that topic with their Dominant?

Thank you for joining the conversation, and sharing this lesson!

 

[MizShaw]

...I think it's very hard for a submissive to SPEAK their needs sometimes for fear of making their Dominant feel ... inadequate or lacking. I think many times we also try to problem solve for ourselves in ways that can be MASSIVELY detrimental... sometimes we do so because we are trying not to cause our Person stress or difficulty, but in so doing we communicate messages we didnt intend...

surrenderedfaith - you have articulated, with such great insight, what is happening on either side of the slash in this situation!

I wish I had such a reflective answer to your questions! I could never presume to give advice, because each relationship is so unique, with its own dynamics and norms. You already touched on the key: communication - but how and when you communicate depends so much on the nature of your relationship. In terms of the concerns you expressed that a submissive might have - it would break my heart to think a partner was avoiding expressing their needs because they were worried about the effect on me or the possible consequences on our relationship. I would, quite honestly, feel far more inadequate or lacking to think that I had fostered a situation where my partner could not express their needs openly to me.

I don't know if that helps: it's such a terribly personal thing!

 

[gentold]

One of the things about D/s that I appreciate the most is how it has the potential to teach you so much about yourself. I've found so much self improvement and growth through my time as a submissive. I find that I learn just as much through reading about other people's experiences and revelations as I do through my own experiences. not that I can just read it and accept it, or live it, but I cant count the number of times I've read something someone wrote that sent me into a huge bout of introspection.

So I'd like to create this space as a place for people to post the lessons they learn that they would either like to keep track of, or share with others in hopes of their growth.

Please keep this a positive space.



For starters I'll go with:
#1 Communication styles are even more important than love languages in some cases.

#2 Wait is service too.

I'm looking forward to hearing what others have to say.

Dominants and submissives are people who care
A submissive is the superior being
A submissive wins over the world , Gandhi,Mandela and Martin were submissives who appealed to the world to be good and made our lives better ,
an Alpha is an aberration who needs to be understood
I I have confused you
you could PM me

 

[surrenderedfaith]

I thought long and hard about where to post this, and I believe here is just as good a place as any.
As many teachers will tell you, the greatest life lessons need not come from some high brow overly intellectual book, no. Many time the greatest of life's lessons can come in quite the small package. A perfect example of this, for me is Le Petit Prince. I'm of the opinion that every person on earth should read it at least three times in their life: as a child, upon graduating college, and before marriage. However, for the purposes of this blog I'd just like to focus on one specific section.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chapter 21
It was then that the fox appeared.
"Good morning," said the fox.
"Good morning," the little prince responded politely, although when he turned
around he saw nothing.
"I am right here," the voice said, "under the apple tree."
"Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."
"I am a fox," said the fox.
"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince. "I am so unhappy."
"I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed."
"Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince.
But, after some thought, he added:
"What does that mean−− 'tame'?"
"You do not live here," said the fox. "What is it that you are looking for?"
"I am looking for men," said the little prince. "What does that mean−− 'tame'?"
"Men," said the fox. "They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They
also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"
"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean−−'tame'?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties."
"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is
just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And
you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like
a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each
other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all
the world..."
"I am beginning to understand," said the little prince. "There is a flower... I think
that she has tamed me..."
"It is possible," said the fox. "On the Earth one sees all sorts of things."
"Oh, but this is not on the Earth!" said the little prince.
The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious.
"On another planet?"
"Yes."
"Are there hunters on this planet?"
"No."
"Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?"
"No."
"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox.
But he came back to his idea.
"My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the
chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a
little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life . I
shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other
steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like
music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain−fields down yonder? I
do not ea t bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say
to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the colour of gold. Think how
wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden,
will bring me bac k the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the
wheat..."
The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.
"Please−− tame me!" he said.
"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have
friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."
"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no
more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops.
But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no
friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me..."
"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.
"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little
distance from me−− like that−− in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner
of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings.
But yo u will sit a little closer to me, every day..."
The next day the little prince came back.
"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for
example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall
begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four
o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how
happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my
heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..."
"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.
"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make
one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for
example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So
Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But
if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day,
and I should never have any vacation at all."
So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew
near−−
"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."
"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm;
but you wanted me to tame you..."
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"Then it has done you no good at all!"
"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields."
And then he added:
"Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in
all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a
present of a secret."
The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.
"You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has
tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew
him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him
my friend, and now he is unique in all the world."
And the roses were very much embarrassed.
"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you.
To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you−−
the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the
hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she
that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind
the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or
three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to,
when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing.
Because she is my rose.
And he went back to meet the fox.
"Goodbye," he said.
"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is
only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the
eye."
"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he
would be sure to remember.
"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."
"It is the time I have wasted for my rose−−" said the little prince, so that he would
be sure to remember.
"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..."
"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I have my own wheat fields... and they are many.

For Kitty, Cariad, Daddy, and Master,
The man who taught me more in life than every other teacher put together times 100.
Rwyn du garu di.

 

[PaxNurgle]

wow...that's pretty heavy.

And beautiful. Thank you for that.

 

[QuasiSemiDemiEsqueIsh]

I love Le Petit Prince. I read it in the original French when I was learning the language. It’s got a lot of really good lessons like that.

 

[Bramblethorn]

A submissive wins over the world , Gandhi,Mandela and Martin were submissives who appealed to the world to be good and made our lives better ,

I would have characterised these three as the opposite of submissive. They're famous for challenging unjust laws, not for submitting to them. None of those movements succeeded solely by asking nicely and appealing to people's good nature; all of them relied on making a great deal of trouble for their oppressors with strikes, marches, boycotts, etc. etc.

Gandhi and MLK were committed to non-violence (not Mandela), but that's a different thing.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I hemmed and hawed over bringing this place back, but have decided it is time to do that. I will be posting several of my previous blogs here in the hopes that it might be helpful to anyone who happens to read. I'm also hopeful that other people will jump in and add to the conversation.

Beginnings​

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good night to all of the fine Litsters,
my name is Angie, it's lovely to meet you.

Starting a blog on here is a relatively daunting task. The level of dialogue present on this site, the maturity shown, and approach to the deeper concepts of D/s are what drew me to create an account in the first place. It is also what is daunting about trying to decide how to dip your toes in the water. I'm not one who is usually intimidated, so this is definitely new.

This blog will be a place for me to voice the concepts and lessons that I'm working on at the moment. They may or may not have to do with what is going on in my life at present. I'm a growth minded individual with a very busy mind. At any given time I'm working through numerous concepts both lifestyle and mundane. Writing helps me fetter out my deficiencies and work out the answers. It isn't unusual for me to get halfway through a post trying to understand a concept then to have the light bulb suddenly go on and I *get it*. As this is my goal, I do not draft out a concept, or plan where it is going. What you get here is my stream of conscious thought processes. In the end, it will give you a window into my mind. I'm not narcissistic enough to think that that is something that will be of particular import, however, it is also my hope that in the process it might help the light bulb turn on for someone else... or at least give them food for thought.

In the coming days I will *probably* import over from another site, my blogs from the last few weeks. As a preface, the last few weeks have been tumultuous to say the least. I'm a lifestyle submissive who has been at this for 17 years (there was a significant gap in there where I was in a very D/s based marriage with a man who refused to want anything to do with D/s... but he expected submission anyway. complicated.) I picked myself back up and started back at the beginning 2 years ago. A year and a half ago I had been involved with a fantastic dom with whom I originally felt very comfortable and very compatible. He was very new to things, and I had no problem with helping him find his feet. There were bumps in the road, but we kept at it. Things eventually progressed to a LDR committed M/s relationship to which I was absolutely invested. A collar is no joke to me. I had sworn I would never accept such unless I saw forever. I had sworn to myself I would only ever call one man Master. I thought we were there. I was wrong. I had the rug pulled out from under me a week ago, and I was released with very little compunction. There are two sides to every story, and I wish this man no ill. Quite the contrary I owe him a debt of gratitude for confirming to me that this is in fact who I am, and this is in fact what I need, not desire, need. (I am perfectly capable of standing on my own. I am a whole, happy, healthy, functioning individual on my own two feet... but it is life in black and white 2D. Having someone in my life who has his hand on every part of me, and has such control over me is life in color, 3D. )
*that moment when you lose all track of where you were going because life interrupted. Super teacher to the rescue! Ok. Where was I?

Right. So. It was a question I'd sought to answer again for two years. When I was originally introduced to the lifestyle I jumped in both feet first *CANNONBAAALLLLL!!!!* Splash. With a Dominant in my area who was very knowledgeable and experienced. It was quite comical how it started, and was a fantastic experience for me. I had no doubts as to the rightness. I had to hold my own in more than a few debates at the time, being 20 and insisting I knew what I wanted. This was before D/s was *cool* (read before the book which shall not be named and subsequent films... though I have less vitriolic hate for it than many for only ONE reason, one specific part I think was brilliantly portrayed.) At the time, people in my local area were significantly older than I, and very very wary of taking a 20 year old seriously. I didnt have enough life experience to know what I wanted, to determine who I was. I should go live more then come back, give vanilla a chance, or at the very most, kink. After more than a few rounds of debate with more experienced Dominants and submissives in my area, they accepted that I did in fact know *exactly* what i wanted, and I was exactly where I belonged. For all my self awareness, that doesn't mean I didn't make many a mistake. One of my greatest flaws had to do with communication, or lack thereof. My inability to be clear when something was off for me, when I was bothered or upset. (This would be a lesson it took be a solid 12 years to "grok".)

For the last two years since reentering things I've sought to reestablish for myself what is my place in this world. Where do I stand now. I dont believe in making assumptions, I'm a decade older, and have quite a bit more life experience. I started where I left off; as a lifestyle submissive. I have no safe way to explore this in my immediate physical area. So I have been exploring online. after a year of conversing with a dominant online I had the ability to meet with him serendipitously two summers ago. While he and I are not at all compatible either on a personal or philosophical level it did absolutely mentally cement for me that YES, this is still where I belong. However, my definitions of where I fit have changed significantly.

Originally, I identified as submissive, never ever slave. I held on to my limits and my need for a measure of control as my security blanket. I needed a partner in life. Over the last year I had come to question that. It came about in a letter I wrote to a dear friend and ex Sir. he was discussing how when his marriage ends "by dust or divorce" he will never again give himself away. I replied; yes, because that is what you have always done. You give yourself away. You give wholly of yourself with no bounds to your partner. This is something I've never managed to do. I've always held firmly onto myself. It is however what I NEED to do. I need someone who is willing, capable, and desirous of taking all of me. someone who can prove to me that he is capable if putting his hand on every part of who I am, and holding it, without letting me fall. I need to sit squarely in his hands. There was much more that came in relation to rubric, compass, and measure... but these concepts apply to me as a submissive as well. What differentiates me as a slave is this driving need to "give myself away". To be seen, held, accepted, and controlled with nothing reserved.

This does NOT mean I need or want to be micromanaged. No. I do not believe it is my place to state what parts of my life my Dominant controls, or has a say in. Yes, there should be things that I need to ask (key word ASK) that he help me in... goals and understandings... however, the vast majority of things I would seek that he look closely at my life and at myself then identify at HIS WILL and judgment those things he wishes to place his hand on. If it is a D/s relationship I then either grant that agreement, or I respectfully politely discuss it. If it is a M/s relationship I have ceded the right to refuse, however, if he were the One for me, he would WANT my agreement that this is an area I UNDERSTAND I need to alter. If I do not understand, he would take the time to help me understand that way I could be more effective at altering it.

One of my biggest pet peeves right now is the concept of "what happens after you cede control of something?" On both sides. In my understanding, once you cede control of something to your Dominant you have made a contract, an agreement of a kind; that you can and will give him say in this matter AND that he will take control of that matter (in some form directly or indirectly.) What SHOULD NOT HAPPEN is that then that agreement is vacated... abandoned... from either side. If I take back my consent... if I take back my submission of this area I have done that Dominant a huge huge disservice. It should damage the trust. AND VICE VERSA... if that control has been sought, and if I have ceded control over this area... then it is abandoned... that does damage. It makes it so much harder to trust and truly submit the next thing, because I am mentally waiting for that person to drop that too, so I dont truly take my hands off... it's like I hand them the egg then instead of stepping back I put my hands under theirs just in case they drop it.
I'm not sure I went anywhere with this post... but I welcome any further contributions and thoughts.
~Angie aka Faith

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Subdrop and Dropping your Sub ​

Disclaimer: This post is carried over from a previous location and is NOT current, however, the PSA it represents is, I believe, important.

*deep sigh*
I dont even really know how to approach this blog post. I am completely torn. I need a place and way to vent. I need to talk to people to get help and get my head straight. I also know that my posting this in public would piss off my *person* to no end. Not that I expect he will ever actually bother to look back at me and give a shit. He might. He might not. If he does, I'd rather this not piss him off.
Let me backtrack. So ... this is a new account, but I'm not a new user. As my "about me" section states I have just been released. As a prequel to that, my *person* decided to lock me out of our account, and then ban it. I'd like to state that I will not be going into the EXACT specifics of the who what when where why.
Suffice it to say, the general concepts herein are related.
So I have been doing this irl and online for 14 years now. I haven't played in person hard in a couple months, and before that some years. I'm just not able to GET to anything or anyone. However, my partner and I play hard in other ways. Last weekend we had a pretty emotionally and physically heavy session dealing with me facing some serious demons for him. I wanted it. It was fantastic. however, as part of it, I was asked to remain in a specific position bondage for an extended period. One of his fantasies revolved around me being made incapacitated and watching him get it on with someone else while I was in distress begging him to turn attention to me. To a degree what was done was an ldr version of that and I reacted emotionally exactly as he had intended. I did good work. However, I had some serious anxiety that night and the next day. I kept it to myself and it kept building and building. Finally I was asked how I was. I'm not in the habit of lying to my partner, so I said pretty much in anxiety hell. I was asked why and I dodged it. I was asked why again and I know better than to dodge again. I knew that once the emotional floodgates were open the anxiety would just override me and it did. I didnt realize until a few hours later what was really going on was a fair bit of subdrop. Suffice to say, my partner was less than sympathetic or understanding about it, and I do not blame him. I think he just doesnt have the education on the topic to really GET what was going on. He is a very educated man, but he lacks patience and calm sometimes to view situations with a level head before snapping to a judgment, especially when it doesnt jive with his immediate needs.
This is what I want to discuss in this post. I havent had much luck with having deep real discussions on the boards (much to my disappointment ***DIFFERENT SITE***), so I'm going to hope that this reaches anyone who needs it.

Subdrop is an after effect of play. It is the result of a chemical hormonal imbalance in the brain. We are all probably familiar with the fight or flight response and get the concept that adrenaline and a whole bunch of hormones are responsible for the heart pounding response to fear. We also probably know that we get versions of this from an emotional scare, or a good exercise session; we have all heard about a "runner's high." When we play we get either a large or small dose of these feel good chemicals into our brain. It's what makes us feel good and floaty, or exhilarated. However, what goes up must come down is true for emotional and hormonal highs too. So the higher you go, the harder you fall.
Some subs experience drop regularly, others rarely if ever. What doesnt cause it one day, may cause it the next. This is because our physical and emotional states change on a constant basis. We do not exist in stasis, so neither do our bodies physical responses. you see this when you look at the variation in physical marks that can be left from the same type of play on different days.
What does it feel like?
It varies from person to person. Some people feel physically ill, tired, achy, flu like, or sore. emotionally you may feel scared, anxious, nervous, sad, weepy, lonely, grumpy, cranky, guilty, or angry. You may feel all of it, or only one part of it.
When can it happen? It depends upon the person but it can set in as early as 2 hours after play or as long as 2 days after play.
So what can you do?
Sadly, like the flu you kinda have to ride it out, but what is IMPORTANT is that you be able to access what you need at the time. Some people need to be able to communicate with their play partner for emotional support. Some people need to be able to logically talk things out. Other people just need to be alone to regroup. No one else can tell you what you need. No one else should try. What you need may change from time to time.
How to deal?
This should be covered when you discuss aftercare. it is highly recommended that you talk to your partner before you play and see if they will be willing to be available to talk, cuddle, communicate and support if you do find yourself in drop. If they won't, that is their right, but you should be aware of it before you play.

My own personal soap box right now is to say that Just because a sub or slave doesnt need aftercare on a regular basis, because they tend to handle things well on their own doesnt mean they waved their right to need it THIS TIME. I'm sorry but not being a drama queen about things every time does not mean that the one time she needs help she is any less serious than the one who needs coddling and cuddling after every swat on the backside.
There are certainly things you can do alone to help yourself, but they will vary from person to person. They are the same things you would try to do to stave off a bad mood, or feel better when recovering from illness.

Some resources I found helpful:

https://www.submissiveguide.com/safety/articles/sub-drops-emotional-side Summary: Why subdrop happens more often in more committed relationships
https://www.submissiveguide.com/per...ing-for-yourself-after-a-scene-self-aftercare
Summary; we are all adults handle drop and plan for it.
https://coffeeandkink.me/2017/10/23/subdrop/
Summary: do fun things to lift your mood. Talk stuff out.
https://krystalla3.wordpress.com/2015/08/05/coping-with-a-bout-of-really-bad-sub-drop/ this one… this is where I was. Subdrop is real. It feels overwhelming, It can just overtake you. It happens and it is ok.
Most of all, remember, it isnt your fault. it isn't your Dom's fault. It isnt a failing. It can and should be a bonding experience and a trust building moment. if it isnt, something needs serious work.

Most of all... if you aren't willing to take care of your toys... then you don't need to be playing with them, imho.
~Angie aka Faith

If anyone has any additional advice or help to offer and add, I'm all ears. I'm in a heck of a state right now, and this is the best I can do to keep moving. Friends are appreciated.

<<< important.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Punishment as Mercy:​

Carryover from a previous location.
Disclaimer: this is NOT current, but the thoughts and emotions contained herein are important to me. I never rewrite a post, because I can never recapture the emotion as well as the first time I do. I have processed by the time I'm done, and it will never be as honest. The Master referred to herein is no longer in my life. Though he will always have a place on my heart and in my history. (scratch that last sentence. Horrific liars do not have any place anywhere in my heart, mind, or life aside from to be grateful for the lessons learned. End story.)

Aloha. Angie (Faith) here. So this is the first theory post I write on here. Feel loved, I'm actually sitting at a DESK to do it. One of the reasons I have this blog is because Master knows that I need to WRITE to get my head wrapped around things sometimes. It helps me figure out my own logic. If I have to concentrate on explaining something, I usually come out the other side understanding it better myself. At the same time, I should forewarn you that while I have a general idea where I'm going when I sit down to write, the vast majority of it is stream of consciousness. *you have been advised.*
When I set about doing dishes this morning I was mulling over what to write... and I knew that criteria #1 was that it had to be something pertinent to my own life. This isn't a busy task. This is a growth task. It is a way for me to reflect and process, as well as a window in to my mind. (it's a confusing place that Master has worked tirelessly to navigate. Ugh. Thank you. ) I threw around mental ideas for a while until I settled on one that I've seen discussed so much on here, but I feel there is a side that is rarely addressed. That said, I think it is rarely addressed publicly because I haven't "found my tribe" here. That's ok. There are a million ways to do this thing called kink and D/s and love... that mine happens to fall outside the norm for the site is ok. I'm not seeking to tell anyone how to do things here... what I'm doing is reaching out to see if anyone out there reading this *is* my tribe. I'm putting it out there so that someday maybe my blog is the thing someone reads that maybe, for them, is that moment where they finally make sense. That would be a day well spent. At the very least, I'm writing it because this is a concept I think Master needs to have another conversation with me about.
Punishment.
When I started in D/s I was 21. I was a much different person. I've grown a lot, understood a lot, changed a lot. I've found ideas, lost them, refound them, gone round about them, abandoned them and accepted them. It is fluid. The last month I've been circling one again. Eyeing it. Tacking it like an old navy ship about to have a cannon battle. Punishment.
I'll start by saying Master is a mental fan of funishment. At least he was when we started. It was something I originally rebelled against, in part because I was not honest with him about my own identification as slave. In my defense it was learned self defense. That is a post for a different day. So when I would get cranky because he would stack the cards against me so I HAD to fail, then get punished it grated. It grated because of how I viewed punishment at the time. I believed that punishment should innately be to teach a lesson. What lesson was there to be learned past "he enjoys watching me fail." ~bad attitude right there. Yuck. We were new to each other, and I was really finding my footing again.
Spoiler Alert: big mistake ahead! I sent Master an article I loved... I've held on to it for 13 years. The very first place I was directed to learn D/s was castlerealm (I would be SHOCKED if anyone here has been around long enough to even know what castlerealm is. If you do... I love you. So, lots of times I dont trust myself to explain something. I'd rather send a song, movie clip, or article that explains it better than I think I can. Why invent the wheel, right? So I sent Master Exiled this article/story written by Jade.
http://thebdsmgarden.com/efiction/viewstory.php?sid=285&chapter=1
Then I expected the light would go on, and he'd get it. We didnt even really TALK about it... I had been tossing articles at him left and right. Mistake. I assumed I knew better and I needed to teach him his job. No. I needed to be honest about who and what I was. Blerg. See, when I read that article I still cry. Everytime. Why? Because I can emotionally put myself in Jade's shows SO MANY TIMES. If you'd asked me two months ago I'd have told you my take aways were that she was dishonest or withholding, it caused an emotional distance, and his mercy was what struck me. His thoughtfulness and mercy. I have had shoeboxes in my D/s relationships. None of them took the form of a shoebox... one was a bracelet, another a blog, right now I've got papers.
Our relationship progressed and we continued on in a D/s dynamic really struggling to find our footing with each other.
Mostly struggling with my own self. I wont get into that. Back on point. When I face an issue accepting something then my go to assumption when I'm up against the wall is that there is something I need to get right in myself. So I go back to the last time I was at peace over the issue. I retrace my steps. Two summers ago when I got back into D/s and I was trying to explain to two people the concept of punishment I found a fantastic article written by a TiH (taken in hand) woman regarding how submission and punishment saved her marriage. I read the whole darn blog through in two days because it spoke so deeply to me. One of the articles that spoke to my soul was how she needed to approach her Husband and ask him request that he be the Head of Household. That it was important that she be the one requesting it. That spoke to me VERY deeply. To a degree... I've always felt that a dominant "claims" a submissive... not in a Gorean sense... this is not it. I'm not slave to "man" I'm slave to THIS man, to my Man. However... to a degree, it was interesting to me to note that truly in every relationship I've ever been in... I've been the one to seek him out. It is I who requested. I wasnt sure how I felt about that. The article that applies to today, however, I've never been able to find again. I know it is saved inside one of my laptops *somewhere*, but I can't find it. It related a circumstance where the wife had not done something to *displease* her Husband, but rather she was in an internal tizzy. Stressing out, over thinking, worrying, withholding. He didnt want to BOTHER him, because she felt it was her job to make his life easier by making his life calm. However the withholding was driving a wedge between them emotionally. She was getting short and cranky and withdrawn which was making him angry and frustrated. Then she detailed how after she requested he be Head of household how he would motion to her to kneel in front of him and tell her that she "will" tell him now, what is the problem. No longer was she a burden. She was doing what he commanded. It was the greatest weight off her shoulders. *I could relate*.

There is another related concept... that tizzy, dizzy, tied up in knots, overthinking, almost ITCHY feeling inside. When I was married i used to know when I got that way I needed one of two things to make it stop: fuck the shit out of me, or have a serious knock down drag out fight then make up. Those two things made it stop. I have more work to do on those, because I'm not convinced I have myself understood there. I just know it is a fact. I've as a placeholder labeled myself as an emotional masochist because of the latter, because looking back I know I used to seek out and pick fights for that reason. I wasn't doing it knowingly... but I was doing it nonetheless.
So, because I couldn't re read the article, I went back mentally to that place... to remembering how much I NEED at times to be put on my knees physically and emotionally... that is when the itching turning spinning stops.
Fast forward some months and Master and I faced an issue I will not detail here. It was 100x worse than what Jade did... withholding. Master should have walked away from me permanently. I deserved it. The first time he turned on his camera and saw me.. I was physically incapable of looking up at him. Shame, guilt, fear, so many emotions. I wasnt afraid I'd look up and read anger on his face, or even disappointment. Those would be blessing. I was afraid I'd read apathy. Word to the wise... hate is not the antonym of love... apathy is. You have to CARE to hate.
Over the course of the nights that followed Master did punish me in physical ways. I know it was less to alleviate his own anger, and much more to alleviate my guilt. This is where this post is going.
Punishment can serve so many purposes:
It can be used as fun. It can be used as a means to create an endorphin rush that triggers a natural high. It can be used to exact revenge... a pound of flesh to alleviate anger.
But it can also be used to alleviate guilt and negative feelings. it can be used as a line in the sand to demarcate a transgression and it's effects from reconciliation and acceptance.
The same wife write in her journal how she felt relieved. When she knew a specific action had a specific reaction, once that consequence was metted out, it was over. To a degree it was relief for her. she knew that her Husband considered the issue over. Closed. Done. Like LordColm with the shoebox... it was over. Yes, more letters were added to it over time.. and yes, Jade needed to revisit them on occasion to read back over them. However, the internal guilt over having done *this thing*, the fear that he feeling that things were not yet alright in the world, the worry that damage irreparable had been done that would never be undone... that was not a worry that was hers to carry anymore. it was HIS job to think through what punishment was warranted, how to address the infraction however big or small, and his to mette out. Once done, he had the responsibility to let it be done, as far as the east is from the west.

Some submissives, and myself included, have tried to take it upon themselves to punish themselves over a wrongdoing. Either physically, emotionally, mentally. We beat ourselves up. I have self harmed. This is a concept that I struggle with too. In seeking to try to punish ourselves, we are stealing. When I as a submissive gave rights over punishment to my Dom (Dom then Master now) I gave HIM the right to punish me. When I try to take matters into my own hands I'm saying one of three things:
1. I'm taking back what I gave. ~BAD
2. I don't trust you to punish me. ~ very BAD
3. I don't believe what you say (be it I don't need punishment, or what you gave wasn't enough.) ~yuck, so bad!
After several nights Master asked me if I needed more (hint this is why the following WASN'T the above mistakes). I sat down, on my ass which was red from a hairbrush, and we talked. I asked if I had permission to be honest. He said yes, please. I explained that what my mind needed to be rid of the guilt I feel is not physical release... YES I do... but not .... until its time. I needed him to take his time, think about what I'd done... think about his feelings on it, and decide a fitting punishment. I had done a truly reprehensible thing and I expected it to be severe. It should be severe. It should take doing. But I should not be given the CHANCE to do said thing until he was sufficiently ready to *let it go*... because I needed it to be my line of demarcation... the line in the sand between the wasteland I'd created ... and the home I so desperately miss. (Hiraeth = Hiraeth (pronounced [hir Ith][1]) is a Welsh concept of longing for home, which can be loosely translated as 'nostalgia', or, more commonly, 'homesickness'. Many Welsh people claim 'hiraeth' is a word which cannot be translated, meaning more than solely "missing something" or "missing home." To some, it implies the meaning of missing a time, an era, or a person. It is associated with the bittersweet memory of missing something or someone, while being grateful of that/ their existence)
Deep breath.... I've not yet been given the opportunity to atone for my actions. For that is what it really is... punishment isn't the word... I need to ATONE and I need not just to be forgiven... I need to be absolved. Just like "submission" isn't what I seek... surrender is. That is a post for a different day.
This is why for some of us, Punishment is a mercy, a relief, a necessity, and a saving grace.
~Faith; formerly Hiraeth
(Angie)

PS... current edit: This is something my Master right now (12/27/19) and I have discussed on a few occasions. He is not a fan of punishment and abhors "funishment" every bit as much as I do. However, he absolutely understands this need. The need to atone for some of my very very very stupid life choices. We have spent time listing out the ones that I've yet to forgive myself for, the ones I need his help to "give them to him". I know I have one very serious punishment coming when I finally get the heck out of dodge. We have discussed in broad strokes what it will be and how it will go, and that he will be the one who decides when it is over, and he will know when it is when he can see that I'm well and truly cried out over it. Then that will be the end of that. Not a single one of these transgressions has anything to do with him or us... but he is willing to help me move past them in the way I can accept. I'm grateful for that.

 

[Master_Doctor]

Writing from a dominant perspective (I trust that is alright, surrenderedfaith, as this is a wonderful space you have created and I don't want to intrude): learning - and accepting - that you won't necessarily be able to be everything to/for your partner.

By that, I mean learning to appreciate that your partner may have entirely valid needs that you will not be able to meet (directly/personally) for them ... and finding creative ways to make sure their needs are met!

I would add. That its not failure on the part of the Dominant to realize that your submissive needs aspects that you cant fulfill for her... even when the s type doesnt realize it themselves. After owning a submissive for 2 years, as much as I enjoyed having her and she served me well, I came to the realization that she needed more and better opportunities than she could have with me. Even though it broke her heart, I released her (we had an annual contract) with the explanation that I knew she had needs I couldnt meet for you and I wanted her to have every opportunity to have them ALL met. I was sure to explain that she did nothing wrong. She was a treasure and improved my life by a great degree. But in the end, if I loved her like I professed then I needed to give her the chance to be happy and get all her needs met. Not just a few of them.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Grr. it ate my reply!
@Master_Doctor yes, it is important to acknowledge eachother's needs and that you may not be able to fulfill them all. I am grateful that you handled that as kindly as possible. I'll note that I am even more glad that you have been able to maintain contact and civility afterwards (yes, I noticed). It says great things about you both.

I'm much more personally in agreement with MizShaw that creative solutions should suffice. Especially when you have entered the realm of Master/slave. To me, all needs should be known BEFORE that contract is signed. Time should be taken to avoid exactly that situation. This is not a knock on you, oddball things happen! I know this is exactly why my own Master and I have been working on our contract for almost 8 months now. We would never consider to sign it before we are both convinced that every road has been walked and we are committed.

I'm slightly surprised that, being a member of MaST, you didn't organize a protectorship for her before that conversation? I don't know the ins and outs of your agreement or her preferences, but to me this act saved my life at one point probably.
What are your thoughts on that?
I've even know some very good Masters go to the extent of helping their slave find an appropriate Master to continue with before they stepped away. In a sense, they stepped back into the protector role and held the leash until she could move forward. I respect that SO MUCH. Thoughts?

 

[littlebirdjoy]

It is perfect that The Good Doctor (can that be your new nickname? I'm now a fan)
brought up the concept of release... as the next blog I was going to post (I'm posting in order) is related to that exact chapter in my life.

The Secret Garden​

Disclaimer: This is a carryover from a different site. This *is* current, and *is* where I am at.
Psychology/ Sociology is the closest thing I have to a fetish. Something I'm not so secretive about is that I'm a grey romantic asexual. I am very much a sapioaexual. Ugh. I hate jumping on the bandwagon... but the point is.. the more interesting your mind is, the more I'm going to want to understand you. If I want to understand you and you make an effort to understand me (a chore on the best day, not for the faint of heart or weak willed. Just ask my exMaster. He would tell you gladly for hours exactly what a challenge I am.) But if you DO... oh you earned a seat at the table.
I seek to understand because I NEED to understand and be understood. I dont need you to get it right, I need you to make the effort. I need to be important enough to you to want to crack the puzzle.
If you want to own me, you have got to want to write your name all over me, mind, heart, then body... in that order.

We all have our walls, our moats, our gatekeepers... the occasional fire breathing dragon. I might hire one of those... or a manic depressive robot. (a reference to a friend)
Inside those walls is a garden. Each of our gardens looks different, some are well tended and stay inside neat little rows, others are wild and overgrown. Some have gentle flowers, others towering trees with swings in their branches.
The very start of my journey was on Castlerealm.com a site that no longer exists, and would be of very little consequence to the majority here. However, to me, it became the gold standard. IMHO Lord Colm and Jade were the absolute perfection of what this lifestyle means to me. a portion of the site has been preserved though much of it was lost when Jade died a few years before I got into things.
One of the things that came back to me today was The Garden.
http://thebdsmgarden.com/efiction/viewstory.php?sid=274&chapter=1

I often see things in visions or images. As I was contemplating what makes a loving relationship work, this vision began. As I walked though the lushness of it's imagery I found many answers to my question. The memory of this vision still fills me with happiness. The Garden For Master by jade
I was struck by the feeling of beauty and peace immediately. All of my senses were treated to a virtual feast as I sat on a stone bench and contemplated what was laid out before me. The garden was symmetrical, well designed and enclosed within a wall. A large gate could be seen in the wall toward the right and leading from this gate was a flagstone walkway that circled the garden. Branching out from this walkway were many smaller, unpaved paths that disappeared in the garden rows. One end of the garden was shaded by a small stand of trees, some were fruit trees, others were sturdy hardwoods. The songs of birds filled the air and my ears. Butterflies and bees worked diligently over the flowers that had opened in the morning sun. The air was heavy with the scent of fresh, rich earth and the sweet floral perfume from the blossoms that had splashed their colors over a background of multiple shades of green. It was lovely and I was totally absorbed in the vision.
After awhile I became aware of the presence of another in the garden. I was startled at first and tried to explain I was only visiting to look at this beautiful place. The unseen presence spoke, "Don't be silly. You are not a visitor here. This is your garden. I'm only here to explain what you see."
"I don't understand," I said and started to looked around to see from where the voice was coming but stopped when I felt a hand touch my shoulder. "How could this be my garden?," I asked.
"It is yours because you helped to plant it and nurture it," the voice replied. I was struggling to understand what I had just heard, when he spoke again. "Walk with me as I explain what this garden means," the voice said. At that I stood and began to walk along the stone walkway that circled the garden. Somehow it seemed natural to be walking with this, yet unseen, man.
"Everything here means something, little one. Each thing represents things that are often hard to see with your normal vision and some can only be seen with your heart. Reach down and take a handful of the soil and study it for a moment."
I stooped and took a handful of the soft, damp earth and felt its warmth in my hand. I held it up to my nose and inhaled its rich aroma.
"What do you see and feel?," the voice asked.
"I feel the warmth of the sun and the coolness of the earth, the strength of the stone that formed it and the softness of the dew moistened it, and it smells of living, growing things," I answered.
"Very good," the voice said. "That soil represents the hearts of the two that worked together to make this garden, you and the One you love. Each of you have given different elements to make this soil rich and fertile. Without it there would be no growth and anything planted here would have starved before it could have matured."
He continued, "See the walls around the garden? They are here for protection and they keep the garden safe from those who would do harm here for their own selfish reasons. That gate is provided for those you trust to enter this place of beauty. The One you love has made these walls strong with His love. The stone walkway is for trusted visitors but the unpaved paths are for just the two of you to tread upon. Not all of your garden is for others to see too closely. Let them enjoy it from a distance."
Laid out in long wide rows, in several places in the garden, were beautiful plants, all similar but with various colored flowers. These plants were in full bloom and were heavy with sweet fruit.
"What are these?" I asked. "They are so beautiful."
"Yes, these plants are among the most beautiful in the garden and you'll find them scattered all through the other rows," said the voice. "They are the plants of Love and will bear fruit in all seasons for the rest of their lives. It was one of the first things you planted here and you have eaten of its fruit often. You must never prune it and should allow Love to grow freely so that it may mingle with all the other things that grow in the garden. Without it the other plants will perish. Remember that Love comes in a variety of colors and shapes, so it's often hard to recognize at first. Be careful when you are weeding so that a tender young plant isn't pulled out by mistake. Share its seeds, fruit and blossoms unselfishly with anyone who visits here to insure Love will always remain healthy."
I smiled and walked to the next group of plants. They were small but stoutly built and I noticed the soil here wasn't as well cultivated as in other areas. "What are these feisty looking plants?" I questioned as I stooped to smell a bright red blossom.
The voice answered with a slight laugh, "Those are plants of Courage. Without them your first seeds may have never sprouted. They do best in a place that requires a challenge for them to grow. You'll notice them most abundant in spots where the soil is rocky and hard and it is wise not to try to baby them or they will become spindly and weak. Let them alone and they will always grow in the worst of times." I lingered just a minute to admire the Courage's hardiness and then moved along the walkway.
Looking up I saw intermingled rows of two elegant plants. One, slightly larger than the other, was filled with bright yellow flowers. The smaller of the two was speckled with pink blossoms. Their fragrance was pleasing and it drew me to them. As I knelt to examine them I touched a yellow flower very gently and softly smelled one of the pink ones.
The voice said, "You have found the plants of Respect and Faith, both very essential in your garden. Faith's pink bloom will remind you during the winter's coldest days that spring will follow and your garden will survive. Respect's yellow flowers will remind you of the service you owe this garden to keep it free of the Weeds of Indifference. These plants of Respect will also insure that all of the other plants will live in harmony and will allow each kind it's own space to develop and grow."
We walked on for a few minutes and then stopped before a row of delicate little plants. Their fragile flowers filled the air with a soft scent that made my heart feel light. I noticed that along either side of this row was a row of larger, hardy plants that seemed to almost overshadow the smaller ones. They had no flowers but were armed with strong thorns along some of their branches. I touched one of the thorns and was surprised that it did not prick my finger but instead I felt a strange sense of comfort from its pressure on my finger tip. Scattered among the thorns were softer looking plants with two varieties of flowers, one white, the other blue.
" What an interesting combination of plants," I remarked. "They almost seem to be out of place together."
The voice spoke softly, "Those plants are what make your garden different than some others you may see. The tiny plants are Flowers of Submission and you feel the lightness in your heart because they come from seeds you brought here. The larger, stronger looking plants are Thorns of Domination, a gift from the One you love. They can only exist together. Your Submission Flowers need the shelter and protection of the Thorns of Domination to grow and bloom. The Thorns need the nectar from the Flowers to survive. Those plants mixed among the Thorns are called Compassion and Trust. Compassion's pure white flowers will temper the growth of the Thorns so that they never overtake Submission's tender growth. Trust's blue blossoms will always give Submission the desire to open its delicate petals and nourish the Thorns."
As I touched another thorn the voice chuckled, "My Thorns aren't so bad are they, little one?
My head bowed in recognition of His voice and I answered as a smile spread across my face, "No, Master, they are not so bad at all."
©Copyright 1997 Castle Realm
All rights reserved
It has taken both of us some time to decide if this page should be published. It wasn't originally written as an addition to our site but after some debating we decided that there were some beneficial things hidden in the imagery of the garden.
I think the main thing that I'd like for submissives to get from this is that you can have a relationship like this garden. It takes time and patience to wait for those seeds to sprout and bloom. So many of us are in such a hurry to enter into a relationship that we don't always wait for the One. Without the right partner there will be few things that grow and the ones that do will often bear bitter fruit.
Tending to a garden is a lot of work and the endless hours of weeding and watering seem like an eternity. Waiting for a tiny seedling to wiggle it's way to the surface is agonizing but when the first beautiful blossom opens in the sunlight all the waiting will have seemed so little a price to pay. The sweet taste of new fruit will remain in your mind for a lifetime.
You can't rush it, nor can you do it without the right partner. Maybe you should start planting some "Patience" right now.
jade
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
There is an addendum to this story. It is a poem that I CAN NOT FIND. So... a request... a treasure hunt if you will. Jade wrote a poem entitled the Fountain of Respect. I had this poem taped to my bedroom door for two of the hardest years of my life. I touched it every time I walked into and out of my door. I can not find it. I have spent HOURS scouring the internet. Someone HAS to have it. If anyone finds it ... I will give you a prize of your choosing within reason. Within my limits, but I will be incredibly and forever grateful. It is the rubric to which I hold myself. It is the One I'm searching for. The One who would understand and embody it.
Back to the garden for a moment: it prompted me to flesh out and consolidate everything into two overruling concepts as far as my own submissive needs are concerned.
As for needs: my two main needs are
to serve and have my service seen, recognized, appreciated, needed, reciprocated.
To respect my *person* ... if you are merciful, wise, intelligent, thoughtful, polite, respectful, knowledgeable, affectionate, demanding, caring, open, honest, CONSISTENT,self congruent, present.... then I will respect you.

My kneel is born of love and respect. Not out of lustful kink.
I was advised to "be myself"; which I've never been anything but.
I need someone to share my life with. To be involved and present in their life in many and varied ways, and they invested in mine.
I need and want you to be territorial over what is yours.

warning: I'm territorial too. Though it usually comes out when I think you've been disrespected. Though I will threaten to eat girls' faces if they flirt with you. I'm mostly kidding. Mostly.
Most of all I need you self aware, and patient.
Jade had it 100% right...
"You can't rush it, nor can you do it without the right partner. Maybe you should start planting some "Patience" right now."

Am I looking for the needle in the haystack? Absolutely. I am, but I have absolute faith that He exists. The One who will want me for me. My mind, complex as it may be; my heart, with all of it's boxes and doors; my body, with its scars and imperfections (though I have benefits and fun party tricks)... and my brand of submission.
What do I offer? It entirely depends on you...but what I will tell you that i have seen is that once you get through my rebellion, my walls, and moats, and firebreathing dragons and a possible manic depressive robot who may or may not press the improbability drive to distract you by turning you into a sofa or a petunia... you get all of me... the me who would turn herself inside out to make you smile. The me who would move mountains and distort reality of she could. The me who would rather lose her sanity than ever go through this again. So the next time I call any man Master, it will only be when I believe with every sincerity that he will be forever. That we will truly be Titanium. Then and only then will this girl be collared. Do I want it? Even now, as disassembled as I am... yes. I still want it *with him*. .... yes... I want it.

~Faith, Hiraeth, Sassy, Angie

God works in mysterious and wonderful ways. This was originally written 9 days before I met my Master. He never once read my blog or saw any of this, and I never once read his, though it was there. We met, actually, because I disagreed with a comment he made elsewhere. i countered it, and he agreed with my perspective and was gentleman enough to publicly retract and thank me for explaining.

Thank you, Master, for all you are and do. I am blessed.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

The Velveteen Slave
Once you are real you can never be made unreal again​

When inspiration takes hold it demands response!
Prior to this past year I would have sworn up one side and down the other and staunchly insisted "I am submissive never slave!" I've mentioned my best friend, who I've known for the majority of my life, the one with whom I first sought this dynamic. a conversation sticks in my mind where we were talking on the phone after about a week of negotiations (read me trying unsuccessfully to help him understand all this and failing miserably). I was pacing between an attorney's office and a church. I had to fly out of the US within I want to say 24 hours. Time was tight. We were in serious talks. He needed to know I WOULDN'T change for him and I was exasperated trying to explain ... but that's IMPORTANT. He said that the only thing that gave him peace was that I identified as submissive and never would ever be a slave. I laughed and said NO lol. no. not ever. That conversation was a good predictor of exactly why I could not remain in a D/s relationship with him. He just wasn't comfortable CHANGING me or allowing me to need to change to suit him. His love is unwavering and complete. He accepts me irrespective of my faults. It is a pure but chaste love.
That conversation took place on July 29th, 2017. I will always remember it as the next day I landed in Germany and read his message that, while he was no closer to understanding anything despite my best efforts for 8 days (no it was not rushed... it was 11 years in coming) that he did want to give "us" a try.. and this was the only way we could be an "us."
While I knew him I did in fact change. For the first time I gave myself over to identifying what it was that I actually wanted and needed out of this dynamic. One of his favorite concepts in life is: "Be Purposeful!" Whatever you do, know why you do it, set intention, then dedicate yourself to it. Pursue it to the fullest as long as you are meeting that purpose. When you are no longer meeting this purpose.... reevaluate.
I had one stated purpose, but it wasn't as deep as it went. Sometimes we have layers we ourselves are afraid to pull back. Afraid of what we will find (or find lacking). We don't want to see the magician behind the curtain ... or find the stool empty! Sometimes those curtains get pulled back in a whoosh and a flourish and we are no longer the same after the magic trick. Our perceptions are forever altered. Our understanding of the world or the self changes.
I had one of those revelations one day in the car on October 1st, 2017. I know, how can I remember the dates? The 3rd was traumatic and was precipitated by this conversation.
He was, at that time, my Sir and we were in a deep place. We were in the best of our times. He was discussing his life with me, and some difficulties he was facing (he was never afraid to include me, and valued and still values my input. My mind does not intimidate him, nor does my advice emasculate him. )
He told me at the time "When my wife leaves me, whether by dust or divorce, i will never do this again. I will never ever give myself away again." I was trying to talk to him about not writing himself off. That she is one situation which could never be repeated even if he TRIED! She was completely unique (we all are). However, what came out of my mouth was, "Yes, because that is what you have always done. You GIVE yourself away. You give all of yourself. You invest. You withhold nothing. You accept and receive and reciprocate and give and give and give. It is what you have always done. You have never loved any other way. "
When we got off the phone I transitioned to my submissive's journal I was keeping for him, because those words had sparked a fire in me. That was IT... that was the point. Why I had only been able to release myself with him... within him... it was why I sought him. I seek those I wish to emulate. I learn from them constantly.
THIS was what it was about him that I was subconsciously trying to learn... for all of these years he had two life lessons to teach me #1 to love and accept freely. That love is not judgmental and it is not blind. It sees and is fully aware of faults and limitations, but ACCEPTS the individual as separate and apart, imperfect and perfect all at once. #2 *get ready to go deep*like the shards of creation dancing forth from the vessels of creation when so much creative energy was poured into them with no outlet and shattered ... love is powerful, creationary, revolutionary. It must be given and received expressed and returned... GIVEN and received. If that flow is not constant and in relative measure, so too will it shatter.
Whew... boy that was just a big'un.
We good? You with me? If you aren't familiar with Kabbalah or Islam (and if you want to get into the connection between "the sparks of creation", the djinn, and the Holy Spirit ... MESSAGE ME.. I want to talk to YOU. We will have fun. pinky promise. )
If you aren't familiar... then think about it like a circuit overloading. If the voltages in and out aren't compatible then the whole thing will overheat. Either the appliance will struggle to cope with the over or under energy provided and wear out prematurely (ink... pen... much?)
or the adapter will smoke and burn explosively. It just wont work. Give and receive... equally.
Back to the conversation.
So in my journal I had this *EUREKA!* moment (much like the above) HINT to anyone who would deal with me in future... journal journal journal... tell me to WRITE SHIT if there isn't something I can GET... MAKE ME WRITE AROUND IT. >.> FFS.
I started to journal... "YOU don't need to give yourself away. you have been there, done that. You have learned that life lesson, now it is time for a new one.. (I would NOW have added... it is now time to learn to regulate your give in measure to that which you receive. I wasn't there until this minute)
I, however, need to give myself away. All of myself. I need to hand myself over completely and totally and know I am seen, heard, accepted, loved, cherished, and safe in my Dom's hands. all of me. nothing withheld. i need to give myself away.
This planted a seed in me that has grown and grown at times slowly, at other times in great spurts.
Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose
You can plant any one of those
Keep planting to find out which one grows
It's a secret no one knows
It's a secret no one knows
I had no idea when I planted that seed, when I fed it, and watered it what it would grow into. I knew I was right... this was a need in my life.
I am a control freak. I've been told I'm "extremely clever, so very clever." and my hubris is I'm conceited. I believe myself the smartest in the room. If someone disagrees with something I say, or an idea I have, I tend to assume that they simply don't understand. I don't doubt THEIR intelligence, but I assume that they simply aren't seeing it. I'm aware this isn't cute. I'm learning to wait to put forth my ideas and only do so if and when the ideas of others don't prove out as wise. It is making a huge difference in my working relationships. In short... I'm a very dominant personality. Shut up you. But at the same time I have this overwhelming need to have someone take that from me. In order to do so... I need him to be stronger, more intelligent, more wise, at least as intuitive and empathetic as I am. I need to RESPECT him... and for me... for where I am in my life that means I need him to be more than the sum of my parts.
This seed grew and grew... but I had this sinking and real genuine fear that i'd never be able to DO IT. That is a big terrifying thing... giving yourself away? I am type A... I plan everything. I've got backup plans atop backup plans. my ex husband used to say that I had plans A-Z and aa-zz. I just could never let go of that control. WHY? To let go of the reins means one of two mentalities:
#1 I trust you to have us. If I follow you... you will NOT let us fail. You will not drop me. You are wise enough and clear sighted enough to HUSBAND (it is a verb, people, not a noun) To Shepherd.
or
#2 I'm willing to take this leap knowing full well that I may fall... it may fail... but I can and will pick myself back up again. I may not be rubber... but I'm not glass either.
*song needed*
WHEW... that was big right there too! My problem is that I'd never found anyone who fit criterion #1 and I did not believe #2.
The seed had grown into a sapling but it was hidden deep in the recesses of the Garden. The path there had not yet been cleared. There were no pretty paving stones, nor even a gently trod clearing... nothing. The area was thickly cluttered by the overgrowth of my past. When traversing the paths of the garden, there were glimpses of the tree, but it could not yet be seen clearly.

On July 30th 2018, one year to the day... a new Gardner with a clearer vision began to tend the flowers and paths. He took great care of them, and under his care what had been planted began to finally bear fruit.
On January 3rd there was a fire in the Garden. It was devastating. it burned through much of the area, though it spared other parts entirely. It was arson.
A pyromaniac with a mission saw the tree while walking in the Garden and decided that he wanted access to it... but those darn brambles impeded him at every turn and had to be taught a lesson! I wouldn't say he used a flamethrower though he might like the visual. Rather, it was a controlled burn. He stood by with a bucket to douse any errant flames. As it went he carved a fire line around the path.
On January 17th the path to the tree stood clear and for the first time the sun shone upon it. It took a time for the area to be safe to tread. The charred ground still smoked and smoldered. Brush fires flared spontaneously from the remnant heat. January 25th those flames were finally put out, and the path safe to tread. (Another important anniversary mirrored.) The sapling grew into a tree that stood tall and bore the most beautiful fruit... it was as if all of the energy from everything burned away went directly into the tree and it doubled and tripled in size and strength almost daily.
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The other day I was struggling to express my dismay, what the root of it was. Someone was pressuring me to "take this opportunity to learn to never put myself in this position again. Put myself in a place of renewed importance. " My immediate reaction was GOOD LORD I HOPE IT DOES! I know that was not at all where the person was going, and my reaction definitely took them aback. How could i NOT learn my lesson? Wasn't this ENOUGH???
Ah... but I have learned my lesson.
It took me few days ... I kept circling around the word REAL... That Gardner made me REAL.
what had been my heart's desire, my deepest longing, my need, my purpose had been REAL and in that moment **I** was real.Good Lord please don't tell me that that is it! No.
The words struck a cord and immediately I knew what I was, The Velveteen Slave.
For those who are unfamiliar with the children's story The Velveteen Rabbit my Margere Williams:
PDF: https://etc.usf.edu/lit2go/pdf/pass...velveteen-rabbitt-or-how-toys-become-real.pdf

Recording by yours truly: (no longer functions, but I will redo it at some point soon.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room.
"Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.
Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I'm the Velveteen Slave. I have wanted for so very long to be REAL... and my Gardner made me REAL. I can not go back to being unreal. For once you are made Real you can never be made unreal again.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I hate to break it to you... but just like the fire in the Garden... so too was there a fire in the boy's life, and his beloved velveteen rabbit was ordered burnt due to being filled with infection and germs! He was given a brand new bunny with beautiful glass eyes which he took to the seaside and was very happy with.
Do not despair... the velveteen rabbit did not meet his fate in the flames... for THAT Gardner was lazy (thank God for sparing my childhood!) and the bunny was rescued by the nursery fairy who swept him away. She made him REAL to run and play among others who could jump and hop and whiz and whirl dance and dance in the moonlight. Though that velveteen rabbit never ever forgot his Boy who had made him Real, nor did the Boy ever forget his bunny. The rabbit even came back to check on the Boy on occasion... throughout his life... just to be sure he was getting on alright without him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
To the Tree to the Tree! Up the tree Up the Tree! What is on top of that tree? Will they work there? Will they play there? (if you are a parent you just lol'd)
There was another fire in the Garden on February 12th. This time it is the tree that burnt. It burned all the way to the ground and spared nothing. To anyone watching the fire, it would have seemed that the area would need to be declared uninhabitable. It seems that just like nursery magic is real... so too is the magic of this tree: the hotter the flames that have touched this tree, it only grows stronger and more sturdy. This particular tree can not grow alone though. So it is there, deep in the ground, waiting for water and once again it will grow... with the Velveteen Slave walking the paths of the Garden with the voice of the Gardner, as yet unseen, keeping her company and showing to her all of the new flowers of the Garden.

~faith
The Velveteen Slave
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Alright, We're back! I had to have some conversations with my Master over a misunderstanding and I needed to clarify if posting here is alright. It is. So I'm here.

Love, Love, Control ​

The Adult party game similar to Duck duck goose... only not at all
Note: this is still carryover from 10 months ago. It is not at all current. It is still valueable though for others who may be struggling with the same thoughts and questions

I was asked the other day in a very very well worded PM, why I was so stuck on things, was it events or was it the person, or was it me... was I always this passionate. That question is a conglomeration of two questions from two well meaning souls, and honestly, at the time it was asked, I was in the process of doing a rather deep personal inventory along those lines ANYWAY. It was an affirmation that yes, this was a question I needed to answer. Why? It went towards: What do I want and need?
So to the first part: Why is it worth the hurt? Why not just slam the door and forget it? What was so special? What did he do?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Good morning, *name redacted*,
The brief answer on three hours of sleep is this:
The worth of a person to another is far more based upon what they do inside you. Who and how they call to, speak to. What they bring out of you, how they make you feel.
For the worst comparison ever, but it is pertinent... "there are no bad dogs only bad owners" (dont run too far with it... I'm going somewhere). IMHO there are no bad lovers, or bad loves, or bad *whatever* only people who are a bad fit for each other. This barring mental health issues which are unmanaged.
When we met I was in love with how he loved. That is what falling in like, in love, in infatuation is... it is being open to receiving the type of love an individual shows and feeling like they "hear/speak" you.
We all have base needs as far as that goes and Dominants and submissives are just far more attuned to those needs than the vanilla world. We speak them and give them voice, while they tend to just flap their arms around and play go fish!
He walked into my life at a time I had just DONE all this soul searching to define what my life *needed* to feel content and abundant.
I needed to feel: seen, heard, appreciated, respected, secure, desired, needed, purposeful, helpful, valued, most of all LOVED. I had just come out of a marriage where I had been invisible for YEARS. Where I had put in effort over effort over effort and my efforts went unrewarded, unacknowledged, and where I felt completely and totally inconsequential. I had stood back up and was strong. I was ready to give the love I had pent up for 9 years, and was all kinds of ready to receive love. He gave it, in spades.
He spoke love to my soul in ways I had missed desperately. He spoke love into my life, along with alllll of that up there: care, appreciation, respect, security, desire, need, purpose. He made me FEEL very very seen, valued, respected. At that point it was less love with HIM and more love with his LOVE. We werent even in a true D/s relationship then. Kink yes. D/s no. *sentence redacted*
We went through stuff until the love was tested. That was stripped away to a degree and we got to the brass tacks of dynamic... could he get to the dynamic he wanted/needed and I wanted/needed. Well, he went to some rather extreme measures to get there, and I walked along (I fought him kicking and screaming a bit, then he found the door. I dont know what it was... He would have to tell you.) Find it he did, and I found myself exactly where I had needed and desired to be. On my mental, emotional, and physical knees with no part of me held back, completely bare to him down to my core. I was in love (and lust) with his control over me. Again: seen, desired, wanted, needed, secure, respected, valued, helpful, purposeful, add in possessed. However, I did NOT necessarily feel *loved*. Possessed replaced loved. I longed for both. My soul needs both.
In the middle there... we came to know eachother as people. Do I love him as a person? Absolutely. I respect him. I find him intelligent, witty, funny, wise (usually). I could see a life with this man. A life I wanted to live. I wanted him as a father figure for my child. I wanted to be the mother of his, and at one point he wanted that as well.
But at the core: the answer is he is worth pining over and being passionate over because I was in love with his love, and then his control. I have been at this a very very long time. I have never met someone who spoke to me on the level that he does in any of those areas. It is what I have actively sought.
I am a little/middle, slave. At my core this is who I am. Just like you cant explain color accurately to someone who can not see, you would not be able to explain the feeling you get from domination when you truly get what you NEED and CRAVE from it... neither can I explain how it feels to truly lay all of yourself before someone have them place their hand on every part of you (I do not mean physically, that is so minimal compared to what I'm discussing) and have the ability to do anything to you... to make you want and need to do anything for them, climb any mountain, complete any task, turn yourself inside out to please them. *sentence redacted*
I was greedy. I wanted not only his control, but also his love. This is my hubris. I need both. He was capable of both.

The puzzle is four pieces:
His love which spoke to mine, Him as a man with whom I could respect as my rubric, His life which I could see as my future, His control which compelled all of me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I'm grateful to say that the person to whom that answer was given could not argue with the premise, and rather decided to say "then i shall let you bask in the beauty of that which you experienced. ... there could not be a better response. Thank you for that RESPECT, J.

So, as I said it was conglomeration of two questions, and some self assessment and inventory which led me to ask the question. Ahhh... but the Robot asks.. "What is the question, you never said." ... (What is the meaning of life the universe and everything?... some back in an eon and you might know, Deep Thought. jk. ) Did I love him? Whether he loved me or not is irrelevant as all that truly matters is what I *received* ... shock and awe I finally came to terms in that very moment with a concept I've struggled with stupidly for ages:Which do you judge based upon intent or effect?
I had hereto staunchly insisted that I judge based upon intent. That you can not control how another person will take what you do or say. Your intent matters far more. But therein is the untruth. I just said... his intent mattered not, only what I received. However, in other circumstances when I've been hurt... I will let go all hurt in favor of forgiveness and reconciliation (in life) because I choose to see and hear the intent.
So the true answer there lies within me: I choose beauty. I choose love. I choose happy. Whether it is to see the intent rather than the effect, or I choose to say that the effect is what mattered, I love my life in PASSION and GRATITUDE... and I choose to give in and FEEL the beauty. Sometimes pain is beauty. Sometimes the rain is beauty. Always, I will pick the positive.
*disclaimer... yes, this means I've just compared you to a svelte blonde haired blue eyed beauty....and M to a viscous German Shepherd. *twists lips* Sorry D, I've re-purposed the song.
Who knows when love begins
Who knows what makes it start
One day it's simply there
Alive inside your heart
It slips into your thoughts
It infiltrates your soul
It takes you by surprise
Then seizes full control
Try to deny it
And try to protest
But love won't let you go
Once you've been possessed
Love never dies
Love never falters
Once it has spoken
Love is yours
Love never fades
Love never alters
Hearts may get broken
Love endures
Hearts may get broken
Love endures
And soon as you submit
Surrender flesh and bone
That love takes on a life
Much bigger than your own
It uses you at whim
And drives you to despair
And forces you to feel
More joy than you can bear
Love gives you pleasure
And love brings you pain
And yet when both are gone
Love will still remain
Once it has spoken
Love is yours
Love never dies
Love never alters
Hearts may get broken
Love endures
Hearts may get broken
Love never dies
Love will continue
Love keeps on beating
When you're gone
Love never dies
Once it is in you
Life may be fleeting
Love lives on
Life may be fleeting
Love lives on

Most importantly


~Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Dive Back into Theory​

*disclaimer/reminder: this is personal opinion. There is no RIGHT way to do things.This is completely related to how my own psychology functions. This is written to explain ME and perhaps serve as a help to anyone else who feels similarly or needs to understand someone who feels similarly. This is NOT related to my own life past or present, it is a THEORY discussion. Thank you.

Aloha! So, there are so many topics inside D/s that partners need to see how they match up on in D/s before they can or should make an attempt at a dynamic. Yes, there are some out there that believe that a slave can and should be taken down to brass tacks and be built back up to His pleasure. I had this debate yesterday, and am definitely side that says the slave's individuality and uniqueness is her treasure. That said, in order respect my mind, my function, there are things that are matters of necessity. Hard Needs.
One of my Hard needs is to feel I satisfy my Dominant. I CANT live feeling like he is settling for me, or that I displease him.
His displeasure, is my storm. There is nothing that will take me from flying in the sky, straight to my emotional knees then feeling like I've displeased or disappointed him, like I've done wrong.
My reaction to the feeling tells a lot about my opinion on the matter. If I CRY... I feel guilty. It is not, in fact, emotional manipulation, it is emotional HONESTY. If you want to own my mind, if you want to own ME, you have to want and need to own my mind. If you want to own my mind i have to be HONEST and TRANSPARENT about my feelings. This is an absolute necessity! Now the timing and method of honesty, yes THAT should match His needs, His time. I digress.
If I get ANGRY or show body language that is defiant if my head is level, if my eyes meet yours... I do NOT feel guilty, the disappointment you are expressing either i do not understand or feel is unjust. This slave will always retain her right to speak unfairness for the good of the relationship and the couple. It is her Dominant's responsibility to treat her fairly and use her to his methods and pleasure, but it is her RESPONSIBILITY to draw attention when all is not well either in her heart, mind, or body. If she is asked a direct question, she will ALWAYS answer it, HONESTLY and TRANSPARENTLY. This is her dominant's right over her.
So, we all "fail and fall short" ... there will be times even the most well meaning and dedicated slave fails. When she does, it is her Dominant's responsibility to TEACH, then either correct or punish.
This is where a submissive/slave and her Dominant must actually meet on theory,
and mentality or else they are doomed from the get go (he may try to help her understand his logic and help her accept it... but if they remain of differing concept, it WILL be abuse.)
To me: If I'm told, or if i receive the message (intentionally or unintentionally) that my Dominant wants X thing, and I do X thing... i should never be made to feel I failed. I do not thrive on punishment. It destroys me. It makes me feel terrible to know or feel I disappointed him. I am a slave who needs rules... I need clear expectations. I need to know EXACTLY what he expects and wants so that i can strive to serve him and please him more and more every day. I'm the girl who looks for new and interesting ways to say: "your needs and wants are important to me THIS DAY... EVERYDAY."
Punishment for a girl like me should be saved for the most SERIOUS of infractions, and should aim to either: re enforce a lesson you had previously tried to teach me, that I failed to make a part of action... or ... serve to absolve a serious infraction and close the book on it. (please see blog Punishment as a Mercy).
Many times on sites like these i run across Dominants who really really enjoy punishment. They intentionally set up scenarios that the girl MUST by necessity fail at, and even if she doesnt, he will make it as if she did, then "punish" her for it. This only serves to do one thing with me... make me doubt your word. I need to know you:
"mean what you say and say what you mean."
So, to those Dominants who enjoy punishing a girl like me... that is when you set out the scene and you make it clear it is a ROLE PLAY and do NOT tie it to a real scenario that she did not fail in! Funishment slave style. Better yet... why the games...

This girl is about to go deep.... ready?

THIS IS NOT MEANT AS DISRESPECT....
If you are a Dominant and you NEED the idea of punishment as a fetish. Rock on. Be clear about it.
If you are a Dominant and you are a Sadist and you need to cause pain or punish, ROCK ON... but be clear about it.
If you are a Dominant and you are a Sadist but you are UNCOMFORTABLE with that, and you need the guise of pretending or creating the scenario that the girl failed so that you can be absolved of your need to cause pain... and you are "just doing your job.' STOP and think. you need to get congruent with you. You need to get to the root of that and get ok with you. You should NOT make a slave like me feel like she has failed just to satisfy guilt that you should not have!< ABUSE
If you are a Dominant and you do not believe it is in your job description to TEACH a slave to succeed in meeting your expectations, and you do not revel in her successes far more than you get off on punishing her... you are a valid Dominant, but you are not imho the Master for me, or a girl like me.
In closing: Punishment is a useful tool! It is one of those topics that the two entering a dynamic really need to be very very honest with themselves and each other about.

I welcome any and all other opinions and comments.
~faith

This post has nothing to do with current situations, and everything to do with me coming to grips with my past relationship and things I did not say.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

The Moment: Surrender​

Written for a beautiful sweet lady who is wrestling with her "Conquer Me" feelings/ Moment of Surrender


My own submissive journey is very much a path of peaks and valleys. There are very few active standing still walking steadily moments. I do not consider this a negative. I've made great strides and I've fallen far. I tend to relive the same life pattern until I get it right and face an "own it moment." This is a term I coined ( if anyone else also uses it I've never seen it.) in one such moment. An "own it moment" is the very last time you have to THINK through a lesson. That moment where your heart, mind, and soul accept it, and it becomes a part of who you are. In that moment you cease to be able to fail this lesson. It is inside you.

The first time I owned a lesson and used this phrase was way back in 2008 when I learned that my Person's comfort with my friends is MORE IMPORTANT than my own reality of their propriety. That while I judge by intent, His comfort in knowing I'm surrounding myself with people who support Him and us, people who support the woman He wants me to be, is a huge comfort to His mind.

I've had many such own it moments over the years:
Honesty v transparency, He is my storm and my calm, I need to let Him be my storm, the purpose of a slave's limits, the importance of a promise, trust, that a single moment CAN have forever consequences, that wait is also service, that shame and humiliation are in my mind where degradation is in the mind of the Dominant and none of these are things conducive to trust **for me**... So many many own it moments.

The following own it moment happened almost a year ago:
I have always been a runner. I would never intentionally do it, but some part of me, when things got too real when I became aware that I was held so high off my own footing that a fall would hurt: I'd shove away. I'd test it. I think many of us on both sides of the slash push to test eachother sometimes. It's the kid making sure boundaries exist. Many times my shove entailed me walking or running away from the relationship. My internal need: him to come after me. It didn't have to be grandiose, but some form of "STAY!" was what I sought.

It got to the point that i was so aware of it, but unaware of how to solve it, that I would tell my Person: " if I ever try to run... come get me, throw me over your shoulder sit me down tell me NO. talk it out with me. If I still want to walk ok... but dont let me do it until you tell me NO."

Well, then I ran into a Mentor who told me in a blog, similar to this, why he would NEVER do that. He explained that it was a disrespect of consent. That the minute I lace up my shoes I have broken a hard limit of his ( and earned myself one strike of 3 for abandonment. Physical violence is 2. Lying is auto 3 buh bye.) He then proceeded to tell me what a hot steaming pile of irony it is that a girl whose #1 trigger is anything smelling of abandonment is a perpetrator thereof. :s yes, I didnt like myself very much then.

That post made me sit myself down and work out the WHY I did it. It was then I understood it WASNT that I was trying to abandon them. I needed demonstrable proof they were holding on to me as tight or tighter than I was holding them. Who was I to test them? Once I understood WHY I did it, I could deal with it.

I faced my own it moment maybe a month after that, with the same Mentor. A situation happened and I was SO ANGRY not at him, at life, at all of it! I wanted to crawl back into my hole and not talk to anyone. I didnt want to hear what He had to say. He was texting me and asked me if I wasn't going to call. I did NOT want to. I was defiant in that i actually had to THINK about it. When I called I stayed silent. He waited. He asked me who he was.... silence ( oh lord I was tempting the storm.) Again... WHO AM I.... ***silence**** .... Are you repudiating Me? I have an expansive vocabulary, but I had to look that one up. As soon as i did I was WELL aware the question being asked. Was I still consenting to His authority? " I'm not repudiating You. ... I don't know what to say. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I can't." " That's fine *name*." That day I hung up my running shoes. I had faced my reason for running. I knew what I do and why. I had acknowledged my running was wrong, mean spirited, and a withdrawal of consent. (for those keeping score at home... He let me stay silent after that for three days. I colored. I wrote. I cleaned. I painted. I exercised, cooked, showered... most of the time with Him either on the phone with me, or on camera with me. It took three days for me to ask Him to read to me. It took a day more than that for me to be ready to talk about what had happened. If He had pushed me, I don't know how I'd have reacted... but He was a very wise man.)

That does not mean my feelings of RUN disappeared. I've actually discovered a new cause recently.
The moment of surrender.

I do not know if this is universal; or even common. I've never seen it discussed, but I would hazard a guess that if you are a submissive in a deep real surrendered relationship you know this moment.

There is a moment of submission... literal, physical, and deeper emotionally/ mentally. The moment when you bend and ask or accept to submit yourself in part or whole to Another. This is a powerful moment. However, there is one even MORE powerful... the moment of surrender. For me, there comes a moment when if the relationship will be one of the GREAT LOVES of my life... He will ask me to surrender something I am, at that moment, not ready or not desirous to offer. He has his reasons for wanting it. I sit and think...HARD... I wrestle with it. I roll it over. I roll HIM over in my mind. Then I make a choice... I either do not surrender this... and I likely will find this relationship has run its course... or I will SURRENDER.

For me, this moment is absolutely defining. Because of its importance it is hallmarked by HUGE runner feelings. Everything in me wants to retain my control. Everything in me wants to lash out and say "I didn't give you that!" Keep in mind He didn't demand or take.. He requested. Still my fight is strong. These are my "conquer me" feelings... when I chose to surrender myself... well... then He can bronze my running shoes and keep them as a trophy. Whatever He decides to do with my running shoes... one thing is sure... that moment forever changes the dynamic between U/us. From that moment on, the only choice that I have to make when faced with the next "moment of surrender" is to look directly at Him, at what he has been entrusted with up until that point and know ... I am held. I am safe. I am His.


So, beautiful lady... sit back on your heels. Look at WHY you are having these feelings... are they red flags? or are they running shoes? If so... is this your Moment of Surrender?
<3 with all of my support <3
~faith

**This is posted today intentionally. That horrible awful no good, very bad day when I did NOT want to talk or communicate or call or anything else was 1 year ago today. My world absolutely fell apart of my own doing a year ago. At times, I really didn't think the world would keep going. I thought it would drown me. It has not. I've had to say good bye to every single person who was in my life when this was written... sadly including that Mentor... but I'm forever grateful for the lessons learned along the way. I wonder what 1/2/2021 will bring.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Right to Heart's Desire​

Aloha!
If you have never looked up the meaning of Aloha you should! It is way too deep to discuss in the middle of another post... it deserves a post all its own. In this context it means to live in the present in perfect peace, harmony, mercy, and sympathy.

I'm coming today to discuss the right of every human Male and female to seek their own deepest heart's desire. If I say that just as it is written, no one would dare disagree ( within limits of not stepping on anyone else's right and ability to exercise the same.)
However in practice, we fall short of acting upon this. When a lady is approached by a man she has every freedom, as I see, to say politely " I'm sorry you're not my type" and he is supposed to take it like a man. Most men are so used to it they barely blink. However, more than once I've been approached by gentleman ( or I've approached them) because I found their attitude and content interesting and attention grabbing. When it came time for the meeting of the minds to go to a meeting of the eyes, as with any human being sometimes it was hearts, stars, and horseshoes, clovers, and blue moons, pots of gold, and rainbows, and the red balloon... sometimes swing and a miss. This is OKAY.

Is it?
I've seen the anxiety on more than one gentleman as he had to struggle to politely express that he TRULY liked me as a person, but as a physical entity... I just wasnt what he desired. It seems to be agony and they faced SO MUCH GUILT. Our society has hammered it into us that we have to be so concerned with each other's feelings and be so politically correct that people are afraid to genuinely state their needs. We would NEVER accept that with regard to personality, dynamic, kink, etc... so why is it that people have been made to feel guilty to state they have a level of attraction threshold?

I'm here to say: Gentlemen... You are ALLOWED to have Your heart's desire. If I'm not it... You are doing me a MERCY saying so! Hell on earth for me would be to not be able to satisfy my One! I NEED one thing... to make my One completely and deliriously happy. To satisfy His every need and want. To make him so overjoyed to come home to me that He can't contain Himself.

I'll let You in on a secret..... ready.... * motions You close* ... it isnt a shocker. I've been me...all of us ladies have been us for a LONG TIME. I know my chances. I know I am intelligent, sweet, funny, witty, thoughtful, kind, generous, empathetic, hardworking... a pretty face with GORGEOUS eyes ... and curvy boardering on large. I know that I'm a swing and a miss for MANY. So trust me, I’m already braced for it. Women of my stature ARE. You aren’t the first to deliver the blow.

That said, yes, be kind. Be kind, be honest, but do NOT feel guilty. You have the right to Your heart's desire, so do we. If we wouldn't be Yours... how could You ever be ours?



~ faith

Ps.... greatest thread that ever existed: Thick Thighs Save Lives. ^__^ yes... I remember saying: " ttsl post or it didn't happen." Thank You for starting work teaching me to accept and love my own skin. Thank You for never making me feel less than incredibly desired. I miss You.

 

[Blackandstrong]

Blimey - you do go on a bit LBJ

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Thank you for stopping by.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

The Root of the Issue​

alright time for a pertinent current piece. I've loved the symbolism of the year 2020 for quite a while now... and I'm working on using it to perfect my own internal vision.

Alright, the self reflection bug hit me over the last few days, and I’d been mulling what was the root of the issue I needed to address.
As always, there is a catalyst. The last two weeks have been a real rollercoaster for me. I’ve gone from really acknowledging the peace that my Master has brought into my life the difference he has made in my anxiety to the throes of the worst anxiety hell I’ve been in in months, and I’m climbing my way back out of it. It was caused by nothing other than my own insecurity and negative thinking. Yes, it was kicked off by a situation or rather a conglomeration of several situations all in close proximity to one another, but in the end, it was my own doing.
In the end though, I needed to face what it was that was behind the thought processes that led to it. It answer isn’t a comfortable one, or one I myself was ready for. I can almost hear a certain someone or two tapping their fingers waiting for me to say it.. My own self esteem, or lack thereof. BINGO one person in particular just exclaimed. Yeah yeah yeah, I know you knew it.
Alright, so… I need to take this back a few steps for myself, as always this is written for ME, and if it helps someone else in the process, awesome. That is always the hope.

So a few months ago I ran across a very important blog written by a person I’d rather flick right off than acknowledge exists and had anything intelligent to say…. But truth is truth, regardless of where it comes from. She was reposting a blog that discussed a concept I’d not really processed personally.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
​

Sam Dylan Finch's thoughts below.
Worth a read.
Especially if, regardless of your status as Dominant, submissive, switch or other, you want to understand more about why someone might have people-pleasing tendencies.


PEOPLE-PLEASING CAN BE A RESULT OF TRAUMA. IT’S CALLED ‘FAWNING’ — HERE’S HOW TO RECOGNIZE IT.

CONFESSION: I AM A PEOPLE-PLEASER.
It took me a long time to realize this, though. Because I’m opinionated! And I speak my mind! I’m an “open book” about a lot of what I’ve been through. Clearly I don’t care what people think… right?
But in the last year, I’ve come to understand that people-pleasing is a lot more complex than that. We all curate our lives to some extent. And for people-pleasers, the ways in which we do that “curating” piece often stems from a place of fear.
Most people know about fight, flight, and freeze — but another trauma response, “fawn,” is at the core of what people-pleasing is actually about.
To avoid conflict, negative emotions, and re-traumatization, people who “fawn” when triggered will go out of their way to mirror someone’s opinions and appease them in order to deescalate situations or potential issues.
For me, this meant that the more invested I was in an emotional connection, the less likely I was to criticize that person, vocalize when my boundaries were crossed, express unhappiness with their behavior, or share anything that I felt might damage that relationship.
This could come across as being excessively nice and complimentary, overly-concerned with another person’s happiness, and waiting for cues in conversation to determine if something was “safe” to share or disclose.
YOU COULD SAY THAT PEOPLE-PLEASERS ARE SORT OF ’EMOTIONAL CHAMELEONS,’ TRYING TO BLEND IN IN ORDER TO FEEL SAFE.
We try to embody whatever articulation of ourselves feels the least threatening to the person that we’re trying to be close to.
This can show up in a number of ways. People-pleasers are often really warm, encouraging, and generous people. They tend to overextend themselves and say “yes” to everything and everyone, eager to make those they care about happy and comfortable.
This tendency usually stems from childhood. They often grow up in very controlling and chaotic environments, and internalized the idea that if they were perfectly good or well-behaved, they could minimize conflict and secure love and attachment.
When you have this tendency to defer, make yourself subordinate, try to become smaller, ignore your boundaries and intuition, and minimize your own needs… you are profoundly vulnerable to emotional abuse.
THIS VULNERABILITY TO ABUSE IS OFTEN A CONTINUATION OF THE FAMILIAR, CHAOTIC DYNAMIC FROM EARLIER IN LIFE.
When you are excessively concerned with pleasing others, you learn that in order to be effective at this, you have to shut down your gut instincts, your values, your emotions — because being an individual, rather than a mirror, doesn’t serve you in securing the love that you want.
That’s why people-pleasers can become drawn to abusive relationships, and repelled from relationships that are abundantly loving. We’ve internalized the idea that love has to feel “earned” in order to feel secure.
In other words? If love is given too freely or easily, it doesn’t feel safe.
This means people-pleasers can be drawn to relationships that are controlling (they feel safest when they defer to others), emotionally-withholding (they are driven by the need to “secure” affection, and feel elated when they do), and even abusive (their lack of boundaries is exploited).
Another part of being vulnerable to abuse is that people-pleasers are so easily gaslit, because when they are inclined to suppress their own instincts, values, and beliefs, they’re infinitely more likely to defer to an abuser’s version of events or narrative.
This also means that “fawn” types often go through cycles of restricting emotionally (I can’t be “too much” for others) and then purging emotionally (“unloading” onto a trusted person) because the expectation to be perfect and to repress gets to be too much.
I think this is why so many of us have eating disorders, too. The ways in which we restrict and purge emotionally can be reflected in the relationships we have to food. It’s driven by this internal battle of being “too much” and “not enough.” It’s fundamentally the same fear of simply being.
IT’S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND THAT FAWNING ISN’T INTENDED TO MANIPULATE OTHERS.
It’s not exactly dishonest, either. Every single person presents a version of themselves to others. This merely describes how trauma informs that presentation on an often unconscious level.
The “fawn” response is driven by fear, not a hidden agenda. The “fawn” type is less about manipulation, because it’s not being used to overpower someone. Instead, it’s an excessive relinquishing of personal power, driven by fear and a desire for validation.
For example, someone who runs personal errands for their boss — despite it not being part of their job description — is not manipulating their boss into liking them. (It won’t work anyway.) Their boss, testing those thin boundaries, is exploiting their need for approval.
IN MORE INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS, THIS CAN SHOW UP AS “FAWN” TYPES GRAVITATING TOWARDS HOT/COLD DYNAMICS, WHERE AFFECTION AND LOVE ARE OFFERED UNPREDICTABLY.
This is where the emotional abuse piece comes into play. I wrote about this dynamic previously in my controller/pleaser article.
You have someone who is controlling, who feels safest in relationships where they call the shots, and feels loved when someone is actively seeking out their approval.
Enter: The “fawn” type.
An abuser will offer validation and love to keep the fawn type tethered. They’re usually the sort of person that feels distant, so the affection they offer to the fawn type comes across as special or unique.
But they’ll withdraw that affection before things feel stable, to ensure that the pleaser will continue going out of their way to “fawn” and secure that affection again. An abuser in this scenario feels safest when someone is actively pursuing them, so they get to replicate this sense of control and security over and over again… each time they withdraw their affection.
In the process, the fawn type is repeatedly giving over their power and autonomy so the abuse can continue. All the controller needs to do is rotate between withdrawing affection and, at the right moment, offer it abundantly.
I KNOW THIS DYNAMIC BETTER THAN ANYONE, REALLY, BECAUSE IT’S COME UP IN MY LIFE REPEATEDLY.
I’m sharing this because, holy shit, my friends, the number of traumatic relationships I’ve thrown myself into — professionally, personally, romantically — to get stuck in this cycle, with my self-esteem pulverized, has made my heart so heavy.
It took stepping away from a friendship that had so thoroughly gaslit and demolished me — while plummeting into the deep depths of anorexia — before I realized that chasing controlling, emotionally unavailable, even abusive people was crushing my spirit.
I sought out the most emotionally inaccessible people, and I threw myself into the pursuit, somehow believing that if I could secure the love and affection of the most unattainable person, it would indisputably prove my worthiness.
It’s a painful cycle. But for me, simply being aware of it was the first step towards healing.
IF YOU’RE READING THIS AND SAYING, “HOLY SHIT… IT ME. OH GOD. WHAT DO I DO?” DON’T PANIC. I’VE GOT YOU.
For starters, I’m going to ask you something: Which of your friends do you cancel on?
Personal experience: I had this tendency to bail on friends, partners, acquaintances, whoever, that were the most generous, warm, and emotionally-available.
I avoided those relationships where love was free and easy. Because it didn’t feel “earned,” so I didn’t feel “worthy.”
Which isn’t to say that everyone with this trauma response does this, but humans often seek out the familiar. Which means many of us tend to avoid what feels unsafe. For people-pleasers, we’re so used to working endlessly hard in relationships — it’s disorienting when we aren’t asked to.
I made a google doc (no, I seriously did) where I listed out people who were “way too nice to me.” And then I asked myself, do I like this person? Do I enjoy their company?If I did, I sent them a text message and told them I wanted to commit to spending more time with them.
I was completely honest about my process with those folks, too. I said, “Listen, I get really scared when people are nice to me. You’ve always been SO nice to me, and I get afraid of disappointing you. But I want to change that, because I just enjoy your company so very much.”
In my phone contacts, I put emojis by their names. I put strawberries next to people who were super loving. I put seedling emojis by folks who taught me things that made me think/grow. So when I saw a text from them, it reminded me that I should prioritize that message.
And?
My life completely changed… in every imaginable way.
MY ‘STRAWBERRY PEOPLE’ WENT FROM BEING SORT OF FRIENDLY TO BECOMING CHOSEN FAMILY THAT I CAN’T IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT.
With the help of some amazing therapy (trauma-informed therapy, if you can access it, is a game-changer), I grew to love myself so much — because that love was being modeled for me in a healthy way.
I’ve struggled with addiction and eating disorders, because I’ve taken this out on my body as much as I have my mind. When you have an overwhelming sense of being “too much” and “not enough” all at once, it’s not surprising when you try to numb every emotion and shrink yourself down.
And my strawberry people (who are now all in a group text together!) have been there every step of my recovery. I reached a year in my sobriety this last month. And I’m finally medically stable after being severely malnourished from anorexia nervosa.
Choosing love — unconditional love of self, and being loved unconditionally by others — literally saved my life.
IT ALL BEGAN JUST BY AFFIRMING, “I AM ENOUGH, HERE AND NOW, AND I DESERVE LOVE THAT DOESN’T HURT.”
It’s not an easy process by any means, but I can’t begin to tell you how much happier I am as a result.
If this all sounds familiar, I do have some recommendations on next steps — because this blog post is really just the tip of the iceberg.
I genuinely believe that every single person should be reading Pete Walker’s book about complex trauma. It’s called “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma,” and it’s absolutely incredible.
So much of what I know about complex trauma and fawning is from the groundwork that Pete laid out in that book. I have a few of his other books as well, and he’s uniquely positioned as both a trauma-informed clinician and as a survivor of complex trauma.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
​

BLEH! I wrote a whole huge long incredibly long piece in response which I chose to only share with three important individuals; one of whom was my mother. I used it as a jumping off point to explain that I’m a submissive and I have a Daddy. I explained that this had a lot to do with my past relationships, and why I remained in them despite the fact they were abusive… and the very real very frightening question I’d asked myself may times: do I create the abuse? I couldn’t deny that every relationship I had past the time I was 16 and my fiance died in a horrible car accident had one common element… it started out with a person I believed to be a fantastic individual, and over time it became abusive in one form or another… and I bent over backwards to remain in it regardless. Well, i came to accept last year that there was great truth to the concept that the kind of love that forced me to believe i needed to earn it… the kind that told me I wasn’t good enough but that the person loved me anyway was the only kind of love I could hear or accept. It was why I walked or ran away from wonderful men who tried to step in and say HEY hold on there …. Maybe this isnt healthy for you…. And I ran back to the very sick relationship every single time. It was the “love” I could recognize and accept. It felt comfortable. This is a thing I’ve accepted as fact. I’ve owned this. I’ve brought this to the attention of the people I owed an apology to (two of them here), and I’ve put it in my heart and mind to be on the lookout for in future.
When I asked my ex about it, he told me that we were remarkably talented at hurting each other. I agree.
But I stopped short of where i needed to take this lesson. I stopped there. I acknowledged I do this. I acknowledged that I tend to run from healthy love, and only hear and accept as safe sick love. That wonderful article details many causes: PTSD and abuse among them… but those are not in my case the root root… I was abused yes. I’ve never been afraid or embarrassed about sharing this information. I was abused by three people growing up, all of them should have been people I should have trusted. However, ive been in counseling for years and years, and I truly do not believe this trauma is something that holds direct sway over me any longer. It does have insidious tendrils that weave their way through other aspects of my personality, as evidenced by this behavior.
No, the root of this issue is self esteem. I’m reminded of a very very very ironic conversation I had with my ex very early into our relationship: he was trying to make sense of a specific past interaction, and the need for the person to be degraded. The following does not apply to ALL, but it did apply to the lady in question. I explained that she herself felt ugly and sick. She felt warped, and needed anyone who was to get close to call a spade a spade. If you saw and acknowledged the spade as the spade … and chose to accept her and call her beautiful sexy wanted etc even still… then she could hear it. If you call her beautiful and perfect and sexy without acknowledging you see her ugly her twisted then it is beautiful lies.
Uncomfy truth: I fear feeling worthless, disposable, and unimportant. I fear being told that I’m not worth someone’s time or effort. I constantly apologize for taking someone’s time, or for making them upset. I fear them deciding that it would be more worth their time to just find someone easier. The closer I get to a person, the more they matter to me, the more frightened I get. It rears its head as an anxiety attack when I perceive that I have fucked up. It does NOT show up as anxiety when I feel that they are being unfair. <<<< big fat clue right there.
So what is the truth? I feel like I am: not worth someone’s time, not worth the effort, like it would be better for him if he found someone easier, closer…. I dont feel worthy.
I’m intelligent. I’m a smart ass. I’m a know it all. I’m opinionated. I dont know when to shut up. I am physically lazy. I’m whiny. I’m fat. I’m more depressed than I’d like to let on. I’m not at all confident in myself as a mother. I’m difficult. I’m conceited. All in all… i think im a pain in the ass and I have NO idea really why someone as wonderful as the men who have loved me would EVER subject themselves to my shit or put up with me as long as they did. I fear them leaving me because I WOULD LEAVE ME. So I push and I push until their words and actions match what I believe to be true.
(right now remembering the very first issue my ex and I had and for a solid 8 hours I asked repetitively “are you mad? It’s ok to be mad. I’d be mad. I understand if you are mad. I will make it up to you.” Well finally he threw down and said “do you WANT me to be mad?!” I guess he had me nailed afterall.)

I’ve admitted many times and I don’t think many people can argue that D/s can be used as a type of coping mechanism. I guess I tend to pin my self worth on my perceived worth of my Person. The more I get to know them, the more i value them… the more I see and acknowledge how “worthy” they are and by comparison how unworthy of them I am (because I never acknowledge or deal with my self esteem issues)... and thus when we hit a bump in the road that I cause (and let’s face it… I do that a LOT) … well… then I panic. I acknowledge what I’ve got to lose, and the record in my head starts. I am quick to point out to myself what a trainwreck I am, and how lucky I am to have this person at all, and how easy it would be for them to replace me…. I feel angry with MYSELF or embarrassed of my own actions, and project that as expected from them. I expect them to be angry with me and disappointed in me… because I am with myself…. And the cycle spirals.

What do i do with this? I don’t know yet. I know I need to work on my self esteem… but clearly I don’t even know where to begin. The one thing I do trust, completely and implicitly is that Daddy will know. So when he wakes up, he will find me waiting on my knees to hand this to him and say… “ok…. So I see it… I mentally acknowledge this…. Now what do I do? How do I fix this? Will you teach me how?”

~Faithfully His,
Angie.