Lessons Learned

[littlebirdjoy]

Thank you for raising me​

Blerg. This is not a post I really WANTED to write today... but I found myself telling this story tonight and it just feels like it is appropriate to share this part of me in the hopes that it might help someone.

I have been around quite a number of years, and in that time my own understanding of myself and how I fit into this lifestyle has changed drastically.

I began as a submissive, then a slave hearted submissive, ended up in a Master slave relationship which was incredibly fulfilling. One of the things that I struggled with MOST was whether or not I fit anywhere in the DDlg/MDlg community. When I first ran across the concept I had all of these preconceived notions and I shunned it. Years down the road I ended up doing some reading on the forums here... and I couldnt ignore how much of what they wrote spoke to me (they the girls). So i started existing around them and listening and watching more. As I began to open my mind and let go of my preconceived notions I couldnt help but admit how many quirks of mine made sense in light of DDlg. But there was this one concept I couldnt wrap my head around: Little space. ....

What was this thing? i had never experienced this. In my head it was like being in a charismatic church with everyone around me "talking in tongues" and me looking around like WTF? I didnt doubt it was working for them... but for me... I got nothin' man.

So for about a year I would tell anyone who asked that I was a little/middle without little space. I remember the first time that I felt anything like what they were describing. a Dom friend of mine needed help with his little and asked me some suggestions (I know askin the wrong person dude.) But as I was talking and brainstorming things I used to do at that age I put myself in the mindspace of that age and I felt myself start to slip. I heard my tone and tenor change and my posture even. I realized what was happening and excused myself and messaged my Daddy at the time who was well... not enthused.

So i never touched it again.

Many months down the line and I met a really amazing Dominant. We hit it off like whoa! Very early on we had this moment where he just intuitively knew exactly how to put me there in huge and deep ways, ways that I didnt even knew existed. It was big and important and WOW!

I remember the whole next dayI was on cloud 9. i was so excited to talk to him again. The truth was I hadnt really come out of it. I didnt WANT to come out of it. When we did talk late in the afternoon, reality came crashing in. He expressed doubt and concern and wasnt sure that he should commit to the relationship. I will say here that he had chased me for WEEKS and i kept holding him off.... only to start that THEN? After he opened that door? Really????

I was hacked off. (points to the comment on my profile)

Well... he decided to give it a go after thinking about it, and away we went.

He and i were together for a year and a half. It was one of the most, scratch that, the most profound relationship of my life.

He taught me so much about myself.

There is a reason I'm writing this. So I went through a lot of growth in the last year and a half. One day in early May I was sitting on my sofa looking around at my home and mentally taking stock of alll that had changed in my life. See... the thought that kicked it off was "I think I could take driving lessons." Now... this may sound silly, but i'm terrified of driving for a lot of reasons. A lot of them.

i lost 5 friends in high school to driving accidents and none of them were their fault. my best friend on his 18th birthday. I was standing in my music class with balloons when they made the announcement over the loudspeaker. ........

I still have the blue ribbon I wore for him for months. His eyes were blue.

My first fiance and the love of my young life rolled his car in the school parking lot ... and that one was his fault. A few weeks prior was the only time I sat in front of the wheel of a car. His dad was the security guard at the dog track on the weekends and he was teaching me to drive. The last time I saw Joe he was driving the two of us around the wooded area beside the track.

Just a lot of reasons.

I also dont trust my judgment in a stressful situation.

but there I was thinking for the first time in my life, "Yeah... I could take driving lessons."

So I sat down and i looked around at my life and all of the things I would never have imagined a year prior.

In the year and a half I:

Went out of my house alone in a country I've lived in for over a decade and never been allowed out alone.

I went shopping by myself. <terrifying

I learned to take a taxi by myself < terrifying

I bought my own piece of furniture... something I'd never done in my life.

I considered actually leaving the airport on a long layover alone.

I moved out of my ex's home and into my own.

I lived on my own for the first time in my life.

I learned how to pay all of my own bills here.

I considered taking a new job (moving outside the known)

I filed for divorce which meant picking a fight ... something I never do.

Just a billion and ten HUGE things. Who I was sitting there on the couch bore NO resemblance to the person I was when he met me.

Then I went back to that question... WHY was it ok now to think about driving when I'd been SO against it my whole life?

He allowed me to be little, and because he allowed me to be little I could finally let go and grow up.

See... I grew up at 5. like someone else so bravely posted tonight... i never had a childhood in any sense of the word. I have fought and railed against the concept that being little is a result of trauma. I've been angry at the insinuation. Damnit I went to YEARS of counseling from highly specialized people and THEY said I was ... whatever... they graduated me, and I'm not sitting here and saying that I now believe my little IS a result of trauma... but what I'm saying is this:

being allowed to express my little... having a safe place to BE little for once... allowed some parts of me to begin to heal. It is absolutely possible that I would always have needed this.

Here is what I understood: When I was 5 I started taking care of my family. I had to cook and clean and get myself handled and handle my mom. I learned to climb on counters to reach dishes and food. I didnt use chairs I dunno why, but I would lever myself up by my arms like you do the side of the pool.

I learned to wash my mom's hair into a blow up swimming pool on the side of her bed.

I learned to go into grocery stores with a list and her card and I would always point out to the handicapped spot outside and say "my mom is handicapped. she can't come inside. she is right there driving the GMC Jimmy if you need to see her"

I learned to go into the offices to pay the bills.

I had a job after school every single day after school and every weekend from the time I was 7 to help make ends meet.

I balanced the checkbook and it was me who knew if we would have enough to eat that month by 9.

So when it came to driving, the only thing my mom really could and did do.... I wanted NOTHING MORE on my to handle list. I think for years it was the only time I really slept, in the passenger seat of my mom's car. When we were there no one could hurt me. It was the only single place I could turn off. EVER.

But when Daddy gave me a place to really be little.... it gave me a safe place to begin to breathe. To feel like for once, just once in my whole living memory I wasnt alone. I really believed he would not drop me. I believed in him, and I allowed that part of me that is always always always on to just ... stop. To be still. To let him love me. After some time and trust, because he did so... then I was slowly able to face these other big scary things in my life one by one, little by little at increasing pace... until they got so rapid fire changes that I spiraled. Only this time he wasnt there to catch me... and we both fell. See.... I never got to tell him any of this because he was gone before I could.

I never got to tell him that I had finally had the thought cross my mind "Yeah, I could take driving lessons." and I never got to tell him that I UNDERSTOOD and saw, and recognized how everything he had done to allow me that space had come together to allow for so much growth.

I never got to thank him for raising me.

So no matter what, because I dont think I ever will get to tell him... even though I'm hurt and I'm really not ready for him to be done, he did do one hell of a job raising this little girl.

~The Velveteen slave; Faith, sweetpea, babygirl.

I miss you so much I can not breathe.

https://youtu.be/m_9hfHvQSNo
https://youtu.be/7LOUleqDVwM
https://youtu.be/ng13xakqtqs

Yes, Momma, I need tight hugs "Momma cant breathe Momma can't breathe" please.

One of the memories I had was that first day I was going to walk to the store and how you asked me to please let you know I was home safe. He was sleeping, but you were awake. You waited until I told you I was home. I thank you for being there with me constantly. Thank you for not letting me fall.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Thank you UMB <3 I'm grateful. Your own thread has been a source of great inspiration to me for years.

Aww! It makes me very happy to know that it has been helpful. <3

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Raising me: (dis)Honesty of Emotions​

Alright. I'm there. I think. Or im starting to be there at least. I'm somewhere, and I wasnt where I was... "I'm not in Kansas anymore."

For the last 4 months or so I've read blog after blog about the "honesty of emotions" or how dishonest they can be. I've not been able to get anywhere with it and I've wrestled with it HARD. I didnt have words for the struggle; what it was that I couldnt reconcile or why. I did know that my own emotions and my submission to them were the cause of a lot of the troubles, real and perceived, in my life. Then that wording struck me. My submission to my emotions... that is exactly what it was. I was submitting to my emotions. My emotions were driving the train and everything else was along for the ride.



How many times when my emotions got the better of me and I felt like an out of control train, did Momma (then Auntie) tell me "If you can, sweet girl, listen with your slave heart" .... and this was always different. Why was my me heart and my slave heart different? Why did just these words and allowing myself to slip into that different space change things? Because my slave heart did not submit my mind and heart to my emotions; it submitted itself to Him. It wasnt a matter or discounting the reality of the situation, it wasn't "talking the koolaid", rather it was "taking the red pill" and allowing my emotions to be set on the side to see the honesty underneath them.



Today I found myself finally understanding the thing that has been written over and over and over in 30 different ways: YES my emotions are real and valid. They are not fabricated or "false", but at the same time they aren't honest. Now I'm going to approach this from a different direction, because I think differently.

My emotions serve a purpose. They are there to do a job, an important job in my own life. They are there to alert me to something. It is how my intuition and my thoughts come to the surface. It is the language of me. I'm going to say that again... my emotions are the language of me. I'm an INFJ, this is how I communicate WITH ME. But the feelings are not the message. ABCDEFG mean nothing inherently. KDSFNFVPIOWJTGKNFKNWJITJGKSGKLFSJG Did I communicate?

I spoke, sure. I wrote something... but did I communicate? Not unless you look for the meaning inside, not unless you learn the language.

I've been immature in this area. I'm late to the ball game, but I'm here now.

My emotions arent what is being communicated to me it is what is below them. The work is to acknowledge the emotion, and then do the introspection to determine what it is what is being communicated to me. Is it a past wound that is needing to be healed? Is it a need that is not being met? Is it an intuitive warning that needs to be listened to?

All of those three things would be expressed by fear, insecurity, anger, hurt, sadness, and anxiety. The emotions aren't what needs to be addressed... the root of them does.



The same thing is true of elation and positive emotions.

The same thing is true of wants and desires.





All of this comes to a point that I do not like, but i need to admit. I lack self control. (i know that seems like it is an unrelated concept, but it really isnt... I'll get there.)



I'm really really really good at substituting someone else's needed control for my own. Why was I good at using my slave heart to see when my own was in turmoil? Because I substituted His self control for my own.

Why did i lose 40 lbs inside 8 months safely and then gain the vast majority of it back the minute he was out the door? I lack self control.

Why am I a better parent when he was around than I am on my own? I lack self control.

I could list probably 20 examples of this... but I'd rather not... no need to lay myself THAT bare right now... this is enough.



I lack self control, because as a very very very smart Rabbit pointed out; I didnt understand the word (I swear to you I was already circling around this and just hadnt had the impetus to post... I love you for being 1 step ahead).



I have up until now lacked the self control to stop and see the roots of my emotions; to learn the language of them and see what it was they were communicating to me. Instead I let my emotions drive the train.



I see it. I understand it. I acknowledge it. Now the hard work begins.



Thank you (collective you) for your patience, and thank you for giving me the space to grow.

A wise man once wrote that he wanted the submission of Queen far more than the slavery of a wretch. He explained that you have to have ownership of yourself before you can give it to anyone else. How can you give away that which you do not know, understand, and own?

I think I finally understand.



~The Velveteen slave; Faith

https://youtu.be/RP0_8J7uxhs
https://youtu.be/LVtzDBgF84E
https://youtu.be/NrJEFrth27Q
https://youtu.be/6TsnAZLYu0A
https://youtu.be/ePao0cTGG-o

 

[littlebirdjoy]

***read ^up^ or this will make NO sense.

The Floodgates; Reaching​

The true test of any lesson is the fruit it bears; "judge the root by the fruit" is something I've always believed.



It feels like yesterday opened the floodgates of **something**. I don't fully understand what, but something.



I don't know how to turn what I'm experiencing right now into a lesson for others, because it is immensely unique and personal to me. I also don't know how to talk about it without doing any unintentional hurt or harm to others. I'm struggling with this post in ways I dont usually, because I'm communicating in ways I haven't before.



Yesterday I explained that I **finally** understand that my emotions are the language of me, and that it is my "work" to stop and look at what it is they are communicating, instead of treating them like the be all and end all.



As a result of this; today one of my major life issues has come into new focus. The thing that has caused me the most issues in my personal and professional life is my defensiveness. It was something that I was truly struggling to combat and I could not have communicated to you WHY.

My method of dealing with things just seemed completely logical. How could I behave illogically? To do differently just made no sense.

Today standing in my kitchen I had a situation come up that brought back a memory accompanied by some strong feelings and in looking at that memory and those feelings in this new light several present mentalities, modalities, and situations took on completely new meaning and depth and I ***got*** it. I understood how a trauma that took place over many years as a child ingrained in me a specific mentality and set of "truths" which caused me to believe my current actions were "logical" and have this difficulty in my life.



I sat down to write it all out, cried a river... and then rewrote it differently.

Here is another new thing. Usually I would give all of the detail, absolutely all of it and feel the compelling need to. Some part of me wasnt convinced that I was "seeing it all" and I was giving the person I was speaking to all of the information so that they could point out what I'd missed. For the first time I didnt feel the compelling need to do that. For the first time I actually feel at peace with this, and that I **do** know. That doesnt mean I know what to DO with it... but I know inside myself that I've gotten where I was supposed to go with understanding it.

I'm lacking vocabulary here.

There is a difference in this communication and I'm lacking vocabulary to differentiate.

This time I was sharing without asking Her to carry any of the responsibility or the weight. ... there was no weight to be carried. The weight is gone. I was not sharing asking Her to explain me to me. I was not sharing asking Her to reality check me. I was sharing so that She was aware of where I am. Nothing more, nothing less. I was not seeking approval, validation, or correction.

Does anyone have the vocabulary differentiation please?



I feel differently right now than I ever have in my life. There is a ball of anger that was always just below the surface in me that isnt there anymore.

@ You said over two years ago now that you did not know if I would ever find happy... that i was so stuck in my *wound* that you did not know if I'd ever learn to let that *wound* go. ... I'm there today. I'm sorry that you are no longer around to know. Thank you for the stamp you left on me. You are, were, and always will be important. I'm sorry that you have decided to write history in such a way that does not see it so. Thank you still.

It feels like all of my life I've been ***reaching***. My emotions, my writing, my thinking, my loving, everything was ***reaching*** and right now I'm not.



I'm in such new territory this minute that I literally cant even think of a single song that fits.

https://youtu.be/QFAfWH_CKVw
https://youtu.be/0VqTwnAuHws

~The Velveteen Slave; Faith



PS... to the person I pointed to Dabrowski (ironically)... THIS is positive disintegration. THIS is what it looks like. Though this is a new level for me. I've not had a disintegration of emotion before, it's usually related to outside societal constructs. In a way I guess this **was** an outside construct, an imposed understanding... blerg... it was just one that I had taken on as an emotional truth as opposed to a mental one.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Lessons Lessons Everywhere: You're GROUNDED!​

I'm going out of order from how I had intended as this is something I feel strongly led to discuss today. No, Sis, not trying to follow on your coattails here today, but I love how things happen to fall in sync.



This little mini Lessons Lessons Everywhere post is one of a four part series exploring words that in the last few months have struck me as having a depth and importance that is often (at least in my life) overlooked.



This was originally intended to be the last word discussed as it is the one that tipped me over the edge into NEEDING to post them, as opposed to keeping the lesson to myself.



The word for today's thought is "grounded."

(Yes, Grumps, I'm aware that you posted a point about it literally the same day, elsewhere, I decided I needed to write these blogs.)



I have heard this word used in so many and varied contexts. I've always been aware of it's meaning in those contexts as well. Nothing to see here, right?



Most of our first encounters with this word came from childhood I'd wager, when your parents grounded you, and sent you to time out! It was definitely not something you likely looked forward to (unless you are a massive introvert and used it as an escape from the commotion of others. *whistles innocently and tries to look like that doesnt at all describe me). It is a staple in the parent punishment playbook.



Electricity should be grounded to prevent people from accidental electrical discharge into the surroundings, or, heaven forbid, the person.



When doing any form of energy work which deals with raising the personal energy whether by drawing from self or other sources you should always be sure that afterwards you ground yourself (or enjoy the physical aftermath which.... I promise you, will NOT be pleasant!)



The dictionary defines this word as:

1.prohibit or prevent (a pilot or an aircraft) from flying.

2. (with reference to a ship) run or go aground.

3. give (something abstract) a firm theoretical or practical basis.

4. instruct (someone) thoroughly in a subject.

5. place (something) on the ground or touch the ground with (something).

6. connect (an electrical device) with the ground.



The first concept that we have to agree on here is that energy, emotions, and electricity all have something in common. This would have to be a post all on its own, but it is a necessary element to the concept. It is what ties all of these things to one commonality.



Energy, electricity, and emotions are all charged and can alter in excitability and state. When in an increased state of excitement they are prone to acting in "shocking" ways. Har har har.

They can all be massively beneficial, but they can also all be massively destructive and damaging if not handled with due care and caution; respect and reverence for their power I'd even venture.



So when we "ground" electricity we do so to protect people and environment from shock. We are by action acknolwedging the electricity's power, and that that energy, that electricity will have to be discharged one way or another. either by use as intended, or by other means. So by grounding the electricity, we give it "a way out" ... to the ground.

https://www.endesa.com/en/discover-energy/blogs/lightning-rod-inventor-how-it-works



When we work with personal energy, spiritual energy it is the same. I will discuss a few different spiritual paths here and hopefully you will see the universality of it.

Spiritual and personal energy, though slightly different in origin and nature are functionally the same. One if just drawn from within and the other from without. (As it is above so it is below, as it is without so it is within)

Personal energy, drawn from within and intentionally manipulated to alter it's level is a fantastic practice and incredibly useful for many many many purposes. It can help calm, heal, or recharge among many many many others. However, the first lesson you learn is *ground ground ground ground ground!* Why? Because carrying all of that increased energy, even if it came from the self around for an extended period of time can do damage! When I have forgotten I have walked around with a massive headache and even gotten a nose bleed once or twice. No fun. It was only after wondering, "WHY do I have this headache? UGH! That I realized, DUH I forgot to ground!"

https://youtu.be/fTZYdJd1PDk

Spiritual energy is the same basis, but drawn from without be it from the Divine, or from others in your spiritual practice in your proximity.

If you are from a Charismatic Christian background you experience this when in a fantastic praise and worship session. You know that feeling you get of heightened emotion and a feeling of being energized? Passionate? That is your energy work.

You know how after the Celebrant (Pastor, Priest, Minister, what have you) asks you to "pass the peace" and you go around shaking hands and hugging? and after you feel calmer, more balanced, but still incredibly happy? Guess what! This is grounding. It is furthered in the end in the very last little bit when he is dismissing you to help you focus on your mission in life "go in peace" the wording is different from denomination to denomination.

If you are Catholic it is much the same, though the energy levels differ.



Another great example is seen in Sufi Islam

https://youtu.be/GVbd5AotD-o
https://youtu.be/5jglf7N5RXQ

To ground is the moment of putting yourself in sujud; head to the floor and acknowledging the Greatness of God while simultaneously submitting yourself to His will. Humbly bringing before Him any worries or concerns, desires, and hopes.

When we ground a child though, somehow we have missed the boat! At least, hereto, i have. I as a parent missed the boat. I as a parent have used grounding my child as a punishment. I've sent her away to her room to give us both space. Honestly, I've used grounding her more properly to ground me! See... I lost sight of the meaning, the purpose. Grounding is supposed to center you, to discharge that excess energy and help you to come back out more healthy, happy, and balanced. Yes, i have been careful to set a purpose for the grounding, and to talk about why it happened afterwards and to always end with a hug... but this is not grounding! The PROCESS was lost.

The experience of the grounding itself is not calming for her, it is not centerting, it is not balancing! It is upsetting. It is angering. It is frustrating. I as a mother have failed to model this correctly.



I'd like to share a personal experience here and it is one that hurts me deeply. I have been grounded my my Dominant exactly one time ever. Right at the tail end, right before my Lord and Master released me one day I was so caught up in being argumentative in expressing "my needs and wants are NOT being met, they are NOT being heard, i NEED you to HEAR me... but in my over excited state I was incapable of expressing that in a way he could hear. i was inappropriate. Fact. admitted fact. i admit. He was, at that time, completely at his whits end and he grounded me. i was shocked. I was hurt. Most of all i realized I didnt know what he wanted me to DO. I knew that to me, grounded meant i go to my room and I do not move until my parents come to get me. I sit there... no books, no toys, no entertainment or distraction, and I wait. I was never taught anything else. So that is what I did.... it took quite a few hours and me outright telling him "I dont know what I'm supposed to do here.... what grounded means to you."

...

It was one of our (plural our) weakest moments...but I will only speak to me. That experience of being grounded mirrored my experience as a child, and mirrored my experience as a mother... pointless waiting with nothing gained. a wasted opportunity due to a misunderstood concept.



I'll come back around to this in a moment. Go with me.



So much of our D/s experience is directly applicable to our lives, this is why so many of us do not see a line between D/s and life... it blends. Most of us understand readily the purpose of kneel. How amazingly comforting it can be, how either instantly or over a period of time, the mind and heart settle when in kneel.

Some fantastic posts have been written of late on the benefits of slave poses; Nadu in particular, to which this point is absolutely salient.

With permission a fantastic blog by Karyn about an experience she had with Nadu and centering herself in herself: Post here!



WHY is kneeling so effective? IT IS GROUNDING! It CENTERS you in yourself, in your body, in your mind, and in your energy!



So what was missing from my parenting was teaching my child (and myself) that when you are "grounded" it should not be seen as a punishment, but rather as a chance to breathe. To clear all of the chaos, all of the anger, all of the stress, and just breathe it through. Calm the waters of the mind and allow the emotions to dissipate... release all of that excess static energy/electricity until you are balanced inside yourself again.

http://yourpresenceheals.com/how-to-ground-your-child/



But wait! There is more!



Remember how I said that so much of D/s is seen in life?

There is more!



Last night in our kink-friendly meditation class https://fetlife.com/events/933537

We were discussing the flow of energy inside a dynamic as a whole, and inside a session. We were discussing how when things are good there is a cyclical give and take, a cyclical breathing flow of energy.

A Domme I've come to really admire and respect over the last few months has talked about Her experience with this a few times, and it always leaves me humbled and smiling. We all know and understand that a great session gives us an incredible high most commonly discussed in terms of sub space and Dom high.... and that is the excited energy state.

Most of us who have been around know the importance of aftercare, due to the drop that tends to happen as a result of that energy dissipation.

I'd like to take a moment to *point enthusiastically* and say AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS GROUNDING.



What HAPPENS if you don't ground? That excess energy dissipates in ways that are "shocking" and unpredictable, right? Sub drop anyone?

Aftercare is simply a specific term for grounding yourself in the relationship and inside the experience.





The amount of grounding you need in your life will vary from person to person and over seasons of your life. It all depends upon how much energy you are working with, and what your ability to remain in equilibrium is. I'd ask that as you go through your day for the next few days you TRY to be consciously aware of your energy... pick one area... your energy in your relationship, your mental energy, your emotional energy, your physical energy, your spiritual energy... and then be conscious of when it would behoove you to stop, take a tick, and ground yourself being conscious of the meaning of the word.

See how it affects you and your ability to maintain that energy.



~The Velveteen slave;

Faith

https://youtu.be/9hAZtVEkolo

extra credit:

How can microrituals help a D/s relationship remain grounded? Food for thought.

https://youtu.be/YDKWqY3japo

 

[sweettalk4u]

Always learning and keeping an open mind whether you are Dom or sub is the key to a successful relationship. It’s all about building a relationship

 

[PaxNurgle]

LBJ, Thank you so much for being open, and for sharing your personal experiences and wisdom here. I find I can learn a lot from others experiences what I don't experience first hand.

 

[MissMandy86]

I have learned that most men dont tell you everything about what they are into.. there is always something deeper and darker they hold back because they think it will scare me off .. but the darker thing is what they really want and they think i will just do it if they tell me about it slowly over time (days or weeks)

 

[SeeMeRolling]

I have learned that most men dont tell you everything about what they are into.. there is always something deeper and darker they hold back because they think it will scare me off .. but the darker thing is what they really want and they think i will just do it if they tell me about it slowly over time (days or weeks)

I blame the perverse masculinity that is taught to us at a young aged and reinforced through our culture. That "men" should not be into or enjoy certain things. It is difficult to share. Personally, it is not the scaring off that bothers me, but the outright rejection.

I can handle if it is not someone's thing. But the rejection without communication is soul crushing.

 

[lady_jennaxx]

I blame the perverse masculinity that is taught to us at a young aged and reinforced through our culture. That "men" should not be into or enjoy certain things. It is difficult to share. Personally, it is not the scaring off that bothers me, but the outright rejection.

I can handle if it is not someone's thing. But the rejection without communication is soul crushing.

Very insightful and I agree 100%. Hopefully times/mindsets are changing

 

[SeeMeRolling]

Very insightful and I agree 100%. Hopefully times/mindsets are changing

Sometimes I wish I could be more optimistic... I think overall mindsets are changing "out there". "In here" (my personal world/marriage) - not so much. And that is when the pessimistic version of me comes to life.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Letters to my Future: Today for Today

So it comes back around again.... what is it that I can take from everything? What is the lesson *right now*?

What is the greatest detractor from my happiness right now? What is the greatest disruption to my sense of peace?

It isn't a sense of discontent. I'm quite happy where I'm at in life. I'm blessed to be sure. Yes, there are things that could be better or different... but as a whole stopping to look around at my life i'm truly grateful for my life.



It isn't lack of companionship.... I am blessed to have some really amazing people in my life right now. I've got a Mommasaurus who is there as often as she can be, who loves me to bits, and never lets me down. I've got a sissa who lets me vicariously live in her joy. I've got a group of amazing RL kinky awesomeness who, despite being a billion miles away always find a way to include me in their awesomeness. I truly feel like I've found my tribe with them. I've got friends on here who will reach out to me for a steadying hand or are more than willing to step up to the plate when I reach out (thank you, sincerely).



So what is it?

It is fear.

Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. I have no fear of the present. I am really great at handling my hurts of the past... i know I've still got work to do, I'm not claiming it is DONE, but I'm generally adept at handling that as it comes to the surface.

Nope, my constant nemesis is my fear of the future. Usually it revolves around fear of loss. I don't tend to keep **things** because I've lost so many **things** in the past. I've lost my home 6 times in my life. I've had my things taken in a burglary and lost everything again. I've had to pick up and run twice in my life with just a suitcase and a backpack.... THINGS I do not hold dear enough to care about.



People is a whole nother matter. Once someone makes it into my soft squishy innards then I start to fear that they will decide to up and get gone. Not like I don't have reason to fear it.... I do. But at the end of the day I can only control me and my behavior. I've become incredibly cognizant of that. I can not control someone else's life, desire, or choices. So worrying about what i can not control is completely and utterly pointless, it just steals from my happiness and peace in the moment.



Just because that I recognize my need to let go and submit myself to the winds of fate does not a finished learned lesson make. I don't begin to know what that will entail for me, or how it will look, but I'm open and willing to learn.



For TODAY (because a dear friend keeps quietly reminding me that if you just focus on today... doing one single thing better today well... that is a win)

for TODAY a win looks like trying to be grateful when someone important reaches out to "touch home base" in whatever form that takes. Not worrying about if they will touch home base tomorrow, or if they will ever make different choices. Just be grateful that they did *today*.

To be open to the happiness and connections that present themselves to me today. Not let my concern for the future rob me of my happiness in the present.



<3 Momma and sissa... believe it or not, but I was already intending to write this BEFORE the images 0__0. <3 Isn't it great when we riff off eachother without even knowing?!



Feed your Fears

and your Faith will starve.

Feed your Faith

and your Fear will starve.



~The Velveteen slave; Faith (alright my sister Muse <3 Thank you for signing my Faith for me, until I could pick up the pen once again. You are loved.)

Today marks two years since I found out about the passing of my aforementioneed "sissa".

So very much has changed, though the one thing that never will is that there are Lessons Everywhere.

In the last five years I have learned that I do not understand most people's motivations, and that can be a real danger.
I have learned what healthy love and submission look and feel like.
I have learned that I'm better at giving respect to others than to myself. I'm still working on the self respect part.
I've learned I dont give myself enough credit, I'm working on that one too.
I've learned that it is incredibly important to pick to whom I give my submission very very carefully.
I've learned that I have to know my needs.
I've learned how to begin speaking my wants and desires too.
I've learned that one of my biggest driving forces was searching for a love as big and deep as mine was, treat those around you as you'd like to be treated... and I found it does exist.
I've learned that if I feel like I'm reaching and holding onto something, it wasnt mine to hold onto to begin with. It sould not NEED to be held on to.
I've learned that when I feel insecure, 90% of the time it is because it ISNT secure... and that requires looking at.
I've learned that emotions are the langauge of me, but they are the letters of the message not the message itself.
I've found SomeOne who loves me as deep and as wide as I love. Who teaches me every single day. Who never makes me feel like I'm "holding on" because I'm held just as tightly. His love is like rain in the desert, and yet there is no end to it.
He has never made me feel like "work" or a "difficulty".
He even wants things for me that I never had the guts to want for myself.

My sissa found her love before her passing. She found her starfish. They did not have nearly enough time together.
The last conversation we had, I was mad at her. I was so hurt and so angry. I felt like she didnt hear my hurt. It wasnt that at all. She knew i was hurting, but she was trying to teach me one of those lessons up there ^^^ ... if it walked away, it wasnt meant to be, so don't hurt over hanging on. Instead view it as making room for what is. If you don't make room for what SHOULD BE because you are so busy holding onto what you WANT to be, then it will pass you by.

I miss my Muse deeply. I love you with all my heart. I'm sorry you never got to meet him, and I'm sorry that you wont be there. I'm hanging onto my "little sister bracelet" because it's going to go in my bouquet... and then I'm going to leave it with you.

Lessons lessons everywhere. I'm sorry I never got to tell you the greatest lesson you taught me. Thank you for helping me hang onto my faith, and let go of my fear.

~His Mikayla;
forever Faith

 

[Wonderer67]

This is really beautiful @littlebirdjoy and very beautifully written.

I am very sorry for the loss of your “sissa.”

Every day seems to be full of learnings… thank you for sharing them.

 

[Crankbait88]

If she tells you what she wants and is into, question it once, but no more. If she still insists, give her what she wants and craves.