Lessons Learned

[littlebirdjoy]

Thank you, Anja ♡ ((( hungs))) your support matters the world! It isn't easy to put the least pretty imperfect parts of yourself out there.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

So, last night and today we have been talking more about the summer... starting to make plans and whatnot. I've been mulling around the idea of whether or not to talk to him directly about what we are doing about my collar (the one he bought me last summer did not hold up very well to everyday and had to be retired after 2 months so that it still exists for sentiment... so now I have the charm on a little braided cord around my neck. I don't like it as well as I can't feel it/be consciously aware of it) ...
so I've been looking around and thinking about it a lot. i know I'm going to be around mt city without a headscarf on for the first time in 15 years **nervous** and whatever we get he doesn't want it discrete or super obvious either. It is kinda middle of the road. So that pretty much rules out leather which the original one was.
I think I'm probably not going to directly ask. He thought to do the one last summer without my asking... and the anklet is 100% awesome (having it rhodium plated was a really smart thing to do.)

So, in the process this brought back a memory of a thread that I really liked from way back in the day re:marks of ownership. I have in the past discussed tattoos, cuttings, and brands with various long term partners. I did end up with one "accidental" brand which will probably never completely go away.

Master does not like the idea of tattoos and hates blood in general so we will never go that direction, though it will remain a concept in my mind.

In the process of reading that fantastic thread I came across the following post and I was once again bowled over by how much Shy and Catalina really resonate with me, and how much i miss them both.

"While I appreciate what you say, I think the point of it is that it is not a walk in the park type thing to do, and for us at least, not something you consider doing in a casual relationship or one where there is still a possibility one or the other might withdraw or move on alone thus ending the bond. LOL, I do find though this is one of the things which has strengthened our relationship....we both like to do things which challenge as opposed to making them palatable and easier, then doing them. Bit like the pissing thing......if he expects me to receive and swallow his pee, he is not interested in planning ahead and making it taste better by changing what he does prior to the event, he expects me to receive and swallow it whenever [/I]he chooses without any nicities, and as difficult as that may be at times, it is also what I prefer otherwise why bother?

When he brands me, I do not expect there will be any pleasure in it for me in a physical sense as burns are one of the things I hate the most in this life and have unpleasant memories of a few mild accidental ones along the way which gave me no end of pain and suffering over an extended period of healing time, and those were not of the kind to leave permanent scarring!!.... by submitting to this form of marking by him, I not only acknowledge this is not a passing thing but a life commitment, and that I am more than willing to endure whatever may come as a mark of my submission to and love for him. Blimey, if we didn't see this as a lifetime commitment he could go whistle Dixie before he got near me with anything resembling branding or cutting!!

Catalina "
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=384134&highlight=marks+ownership&page=3

That resonates with me so much on so many levels. Now, where my Master and Francisco differ is that my Master always has a PURPOSE behind unpleasant things he asks... it is never just for his own "because I damn well can." No. He also does not want me merely compliant, after understanding the "why" and accepting said thing as important to him and thus us, he needs me more than willing, but wanting.

Which is where shy comes in with asking "At present I am too chicken to have a branding, but we have talked about it.

I would happily settle for a tattoo however he has different ideas

How would you react if your PYL said they thought a branded mark would be the thing to have????

Do you say 'no' and feel bad about it or say 'yes' and feel sick? LOL "
https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=14905969&postcount=24

No... you say yes, acknowledge your fear and your own inner reaction, then you actively work to make his need and desire your own, while still not trying to water it down.

~faithfully his
Angie

 

[Chewbacca79]

Blimey - you do go on a bit LBJ

I think she's paid by the word!

But it looks to be working for her, so that's good!

 

[Blackandstrong]

I think she's paid by the word!

But it looks to be working for her, so that's good!

It is indeed!

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Thank you both for stopping by the thread, even if it is just to jab me.
Do you have anything you'd like to add to the thread? Like the first post says "So I'd like to create this space as a place for people to post the lessons they learn that they would either like to keep track of, or share with others in hopes of their growth."
Have you learned any lessons through your experiences with D/s that you feel others or even yourselves might benefit from hearing or remembering?

 

[Chewbacca79]

Thank you both for stopping by the thread, even if it is just to jab me.
Do you have anything you'd like to add to the thread? Like the first post says "So I'd like to create this space as a place for people to post the lessons they learn that they would either like to keep track of, or share with others in hopes of their growth."
Have you learned any lessons through your experiences with D/s that you feel others or even yourselves might benefit from hearing or remembering?

Sorry if you thought that was a jab. Was being playful, nothing more. Sincerest apologies.

EDIT...

Lessons, well, I'm learning as I go and grow. I'm growing with the help of two incredible ladies. Do I have anything to share? Not really. I'm not at that stage yet and even if I was I'm not sure I would.

I do, however, wish others would chime in on this thread.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Sorry if you thought that was a jab. Was being playful, nothing more. Sincerest apologies.

EDIT...

Lessons, well, I'm learning as I go and grow. I'm growing with the help of two incredible ladies. Do I have anything to share? Not really. I'm not at that stage yet and even if I was I'm not sure I would.

I do, however, wish others would chime in on this thread.

I'm GLAD. I assumed as the other person was less than kind elsewhere. I'm sorry for my assumption
I'll admit I'm prone to misunderstanding tone.

That is a GREAT place to be. I read about your situation on a different thread, and I'm pulling for you. I didnt chime in there as my own experience with similar didnt go well. I tried my best to help him grow, but I ended up with exactly your concern. I think I can find his post for you where months later he warned people that even well meaning experienced subs can lead you where you REALLY never intended to go. I'm rooting for you and your girls though. I chose to believe they are better than i am. I just know i need someone who is very sure of exactly what they want and need and how to get it.

♡ ~ Angie

 

[Chewbacca79]

I'm GLAD. I assumed as the other person was less than kind elsewhere. I'm sorry for my assumption
I'll admit I'm prone to misunderstanding tone.

That is a GREAT place to be. I read about your situation on a different thread, and I'm pulling for you. I didnt chime in there as my own experience with similar didnt go well. I tried my best to help him grow, but I ended up with exactly your concern. I think I can find his post for you where months later he warned people that even well meaning experienced subs can lead you where you REALLY never intended to go. I'm rooting for you and your girls though. I chose to believe they are better than i am. I just know i need someone who is very sure of exactly what they want and need and how to get it.

♡ ~ Angie

A conversation in the last half an hour has vastly improved my outlook.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

EXCELLENT!!! I'm so glad for you! I hope it will keep looking up and being a fantastic experience for all of you!

 

[BeautifulBlueSky218]

I haven't found the right partner to be with as a submissive, but I hope to feel like that one day. I've learned a lot about this lifestyle and I'm glad your improving. Maybe we can talk together, I'd like to hear more of your experiences.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I'm reading through another "gem" of a thread from years gone by... it was not one I've read before as this is when I was right in the midst of moving across the world. I had hung up my needs and identification as a submissive/slave to suit my fiance.

It is truly a worthy read: https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=623345
This post in particular has hit me tonight: https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=29193695&postcount=14
"I have made mistakes and tried to hide them. I have made mistakes and tried to convince myself it was his responsibility in the first place.

When my position as a "slave" is forefront in my mind, though, I don't waste time trying to escape the consequences of my actions. The details of responsibility and guilt don't matter. Nothing matters but that he asked me to do it, and I said I would.
And, in the end, without an escape, there is no "crisis" that can't be faced."

I remember that feeling so very viscerally. I remember that feeling of sheer panic. What i have lacked in the past is the maturity to face it and say "I fucked up"

A few days ago I disappeared for a day because I was facing something similar. Though it was not the phone that rang... it was my Master who was traveling at the time who got online to quietly ask at 2 am... "sweetheart... are you still posting in X place" ....
My heart dropped, my pulse raced, my face flushed, and I felt dizzy and sick. I sat straight up, looked at the date, realized it was one year to the bloody date that a similar question was asked of me and at that time i lied. I lied in such a huge way that the damage ripped right through the entirety of my life and everything and everyone that was important to me. ... this time i did not lie. I did not make excuses. i did not even actually utter the first words that came to my mind "I'll kill her." LOL. Nope. I said simply, i have not for months, but today I did. I posted one specific thing, I will copy it to you now. It was up for exactly 5 minutes twice in the day. It was seen by 5 people, I know who 4 of them were with surity. I have no reason to ever post again.

The conversation that followed was not an easy one. It was a terrible thing to know that i had disappointed him. That I had acted against a directive he had given me, and in reality, no matter what my reason for doing so... no matter how important it seemed to me at the time, really my reason was petty and trivial. What WAS important though, is that he never flew off the handle at me. He used very intentional and deliberate wording to make sure i understood his expectations, understood that I had let him down. Understood WHY it was important to him on so many levels that I not repeat this behavior, and then it was over. It took some days to get back to normal, but that was due to a mixture of many things, and had likely very little if anything to do with what had happened in that scenario.

I'm grateful that this is a lesson I'm learning, and I admit that it is one I still need to work on.
Faithfully his,
~Angie

note to self... im coming back to this one... and URGGGHHHH to do it justice is going to require me to c/p from a place I did not EVER want to look in again... but boy howdy did i hit an internal incongruence reading this. so time to reevaluate!
https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=29220134&postcount=22

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I haven't found the right partner to be with as a submissive, but I hope to feel like that one day. I've learned a lot about this lifestyle and I'm glad your improving. Maybe we can talk together, I'd like to hear more of your experiences.

***HUGS***
Hi, Beautiful!
I'm so glad to see you in here!
I've been rooting for you <3 I would love to talk to you, anytime! I think you are one of the sweetest ladies around.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Weellllllll DARN. It ate my reply.

So.... for tonight let me just post these two seemingly contrary perspectives and say that these are the concepts I'm feeling quite a bit of incongurence about. I've not the emotional or mental energy to do them justice. It will take some time soul searching and thinking on my knees to root out the issue.

post 1: The crux of my "slavery" today lies in the fact that I cannot escape whatever situation I find myself in.

As a "slave" I cannot ask him to change for me, but I can try to change. I cannot expect him to make me happy, but I can take the actions that will make us both happy. I cannot find a better world in someone else's bed or in my fantasies of what could be, but I can make a better world by learning what it really means to love another imperfect person. I understand that some people prefer separating sexual "slavery" from love. But speaking only for myself, I have given my life to this man. And I could not live without love.
~https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=29220134&postcount=22

post 2: reblogged here with permission from Abusive Master (a dear soul I have the pleasure of having known from elsewhere)

Unconditional love?
Posted 02-13-2019 at 01:05 PM by AbusiveMaster
Icy and I had a conversation this afternoon in which she told me she loved me unconditionally, and this proved she loves me more (an old and ongoing argument.)

I do not love her unconditionally, and nor does she return this, she is just simply wrong, but this we can forgive as she isn't very bright.

Unconditional love shouldn't exist unless you are a dog. The closest example a human being can experience is the love a parent holds for a child, but even this is not unconditional, the conditions are just stretched a lot farther when dealing with your children – even here there are limits.

Love should be dependant, conditional. It should depend on how the other person treats you, how they make you feel. It should be constantly re-earned and forever re-evaluated. Otherwise you take a look ten years down the line and realise that everything went horribly wrong and you didn't even see it sneaking up on you.

Dear Icy, love me conditionally. Every day I want you to look and see that I treat you as you deserve to be treated. Make sure I value you and cherish you. Be certain that you continue to feel safe, loved, protected. Ensure that we have a relationship, a partnership, that I do not take from you more than I give, nor expect from you more than I provide.

This is the standard to which I want to be held accountable, and the standard to which I hold you.

Fuck unconditional.

This is put out there for anyone who would like to expound upon or give their thoughts on.

~Faithfully His,
Angie

 

[soulfulfriend]

I really like this last post.My history in relationships has taught me to care for my partners through empathy, patience, having faith in the greater good. But I can see the point of evaluating where a relationship is heading. I never felt the need to micro manage the subs in my life. More like provide expectations, guidance, more kindness then a firm hand. I like to focus on improving comunications. The one thing I wish I had learned earlier was to let go. Let go when it does not feel right. Instead of holding on and falling on my sword. Personally i always thought relationships had a magical quality as we had faith and built trust. Just hard when your hard work is for not. When the other does not see you as a person. Perhaps your a ghost from their past.

Looking forward to reading more of your insight. Thank you.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I really like this last post.My history in relationships has taught me to care for my partners through empathy, patience, having faith in the greater good. But I can see the point of evaluating where a relationship is heading. I never felt the need to micro manage the subs in my life. More like provide expectations, guidance, more kindness then a firm hand. I like to focus on improving comunications. The one thing I wish I had learned earlier was to let go. Let go when it does not feel right. Instead of holding on and falling on my sword. Personally i always thought relationships had a magical quality as we had faith and built trust. Just hard when your hard work is for not. When the other does not see you as a person. Perhaps your a ghost from their past.

Looking forward to reading more of your insight. Thank you.

Thank you for joining the conversation @soulfulfriend (I've post stalked you a bit, and I'm really pulling for you. You seem like a good egg.)

Letting go is hard.
"The one thing I wish I had learned earlier was to let go. Let go when it does not feel right. Instead of holding on and falling on my sword."
This is one I have not yet learned well. I'm trying though. The quote in my signature is actually related.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~​

“Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary.

This question is one that only a very old man asks. Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same: they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. In my own life I could say I have traversed long long paths, but I am not anywhere. Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.


Before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path. The trouble is nobody asks the question; and when a man finally realizes that he has taken a path without a heart, the path is ready to kill him. At that point very few men can stop to deliberate, and leave the path. A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it.”


― Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~​

"Just hard when your hard work is for not. When the other does not see you as a person. Perhaps your a ghost from their past."
This is actually a HUGE issue for all of us, I think. That can be incredibly hurtful. To truly SEE another person takes deliberate intention.

~bless.
Faithfully His,
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

So... at 2 am I woke up having a conversation with my Master, and then I was just awake enough, but still asleep enough to be completely honest with self with less of the barriers that ego provide.

I sat up and typed a big reply to my above point and sadly, when I went to post the site refresh ate it. I deliberated rewriting it or not... and have decided that yes, as uncomfortable as it is, and as much as I hate to rewrite posts (they are never as genuine the second time through) it is important.

What's Love Got to do Got to do With It?​

required: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGpFcHTxjZs

So... I have my answer as to why the above made me so uncomfortable. In honesty, I always did. I just didn't want to admit it.
"I cannot find a better world in someone else's bed or in my fantasies of what could be, but I can make a better world by learning what it really means to love another imperfect person."
This is where I am right now, and it hurts because it forces a mirror right in front of my face. This person's relationship has so many of the earmarkings of the marriage that I'm in the midst of leaving... from the drawers and clothes, to the bottle caps and ketchup bottles. I, too, found great fulfillment and purpose in my service to this man for years and years. I was more than happy to quietly serve him whether he noticed it or not, whether he took me for granted or not, whether he loved me truly for it or not, and I put my "needs" on the back burner completely sufficing that if it was a true need, he would see to it. If it was not seen to then clearly it was a want and not a need. This is why I say I lived a D/s marriage despite my husband was by no means a dominant.
Then the day came where I was forced from my submission and had to (or chose to) stand up and say... No.... this is not alright. This is not what I want and need.
The disparity and the incongruence I feel stems from this.
I know with relative certainty that i **could** find a way to put myself right back on my submissive emotional mental knees and find that same service to this man, and find my sanctuary again. I know that i miss it, sometimes in a very real way, sometimes just this dull ache. i also know that i do not miss ***HIM*** i have no love left for him at all. He has murdered that by his actions, and moreso by his in actions.
So this mirror forced in front of me makes me acknowledge that to a degree I'm being terribly unfair. i am. i truly am. In some ways he has not changed a lick from the day we met. Yes, some of my perceptions have changed, but those are entirely my doing. Like soulfulfriend alluded at only slightly off... I saw him as I wanted him to be, not as he was. Other things were absolutely misrepresented. Things I held tight to as part of what I relied upon in the relationship. However, once I was committed and married and I clearly acknowledged who he was at his core (a self absorbed narcissist who is incapable of thinking about someone else... this is just who he is.) It is how some people are, and my service absolutely enabled it. I found peace in my service, despite deluding myself that he would grow to love and appreciate me for it. No. that is not part of the deal.
So... i found peace and contentment in this if not happiness.
My cardinal sin was selfishness. I did not think through a decision. all was fine and dandy when it was just us... but the problem is that I brought a child into it. I brought HIS child into it. I did not think through how that whole thing would look in a family situation. I did not think through what it would do to me to emotionally see him treat a child the same way. Now, the saving grace is that he did misrepresent himself intentionally or un as a father. He led me to believe very specific things would be the case of him as a father, and not a one of those materialized. It was only when I had to look dead in the face my responsibility for this child and her upbringing, and my responsibility to him ... and had to make the tough decision to walk away.
This is what hurts, because I absolutely judge me. It was wrong of me to do. It was wrong of me to put all of us in this position. It was wrong of me to agree to have his child without being 100% clear that it would be the right thing for THAT CHILD to have HIM as a father. It was the wrong thing of me to agree to allow him to be the father of my child, if I wasn't completely clear that he would always continue to fill that role. I am usurping his rights in a very real and wrong way. I know, however, that if I put myself back in kneel, if i return to this relationship I would be damaging this child by allowing him to be the force that shapes her perception of what a husband and a father should be. am I being incredibly conceited in thinking i know better what a husband and father should be? yes. i am.

None of that feels terribly comfortable or easy, nor by any right should it.

~Faithfully His,
Angie

 

[Chewbacca79]

So... at 2 am I woke up having a conversation with my Master, and then I was just awake enough, but still asleep enough to be completely honest with self with less of the barriers that ego provide.

I sat up and typed a big reply to my above point and sadly, when I went to post the site refresh ate it. I deliberated rewriting it or not... and have decided that yes, as uncomfortable as it is, and as much as I hate to rewrite posts (they are never as genuine the second time through) it is important.

What's Love Got to do Got to do With It?​

required: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGpFcHTxjZs

So... I have my answer as to why the above made me so uncomfortable. In honesty, I always did. I just didn't want to admit it.
"I cannot find a better world in someone else's bed or in my fantasies of what could be, but I can make a better world by learning what it really means to love another imperfect person."
This is where I am right now, and it hurts because it forces a mirror right in front of my face. This person's relationship has so many of the earmarkings of the marriage that I'm in the midst of leaving... from the drawers and clothes, to the bottle caps and ketchup bottles. I, too, found great fulfillment and purpose in my service to this man for years and years. I was more than happy to quietly serve him whether he noticed it or not, whether he took me for granted or not, whether he loved me truly for it or not, and I put my "needs" on the back burner completely sufficing that if it was a true need, he would see to it. If it was not seen to then clearly it was a want and not a need. This is why I say I lived a D/s marriage despite my husband was by no means a dominant.
Then the day came where I was forced from my submission and had to (or chose to) stand up and say... No.... this is not alright. This is not what I want and need.
The disparity and the incongruence I feel stems from this.
I know with relative certainty that i **could** find a way to put myself right back on my submissive emotional mental knees and find that same service to this man, and find my sanctuary again. I know that i miss it, sometimes in a very real way, sometimes just this dull ache. i also know that i do not miss ***HIM*** i have no love left for him at all. He has murdered that by his actions, and moreso by his in actions.
So this mirror forced in front of me makes me acknowledge that to a degree I'm being terribly unfair. i am. i truly am. In some ways he has not changed a lick from the day we met. Yes, some of my perceptions have changed, but those are entirely my doing. Like soulfulfriend alluded at only slightly off... I saw him as I wanted him to be, not as he was. Other things were absolutely misrepresented. Things I held tight to as part of what I relied upon in the relationship. However, once I was committed and married and I clearly acknowledged who he was at his core (a self absorbed narcissist who is incapable of thinking about someone else... this is just who he is.) It is how some people are, and my service absolutely enabled it. I found peace in my service, despite deluding myself that he would grow to love and appreciate me for it. No. that is not part of the deal.
So... i found peace and contentment in this if not happiness.
My cardinal sin was selfishness. I did not think through a decision. all was fine and dandy when it was just us... but the problem is that I brought a child into it. I brought HIS child into it. I did not think through how that whole thing would look in a family situation. I did not think through what it would do to me to emotionally see him treat a child the same way. Now, the saving grace is that he did misrepresent himself intentionally or un as a father. He led me to believe very specific things would be the case of him as a father, and not a one of those materialized. It was only when I had to look dead in the face my responsibility for this child and her upbringing, and my responsibility to him ... and had to make the tough decision to walk away.
This is what hurts, because I absolutely judge me. It was wrong of me to do. It was wrong of me to put all of us in this position. It was wrong of me to agree to have his child without being 100% clear that it would be the right thing for THAT CHILD to have HIM as a father. It was the wrong thing of me to agree to allow him to be the father of my child, if I wasn't completely clear that he would always continue to fill that role. I am usurping his rights in a very real and wrong way. I know, however, that if I put myself back in kneel, if i return to this relationship I would be damaging this child by allowing him to be the force that shapes her perception of what a husband and a father should be. am I being incredibly conceited in thinking i know better what a husband and father should be? yes. i am.

None of that feels terribly comfortable or easy, nor by any right should it.

~Faithfully His,
Angie

That's awfully deep for this time of the morning (well, it's morning here) on a Monday.

I don't know the specifics of your marriage so can only comment in the vaguest sense. Children are a blessing, you shouldn't feel bad about having had one in a marriage. By the same token, they should be a blessing for both parents. Kids can change people, I guess.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

That's awfully deep for this time of the morning (well, it's morning here) on a Monday.

I don't know the specifics of your marriage so can only comment in the vaguest sense. Children are a blessing, you shouldn't feel bad about having had one in a marriage. By the same token, they should be a blessing for both parents. Kids can change people, I guess.

HAHA... yes... yes it is. good morning!
Yes, they are... very much so. i do not regret my daughter, but I think in all honesty, I was unfair. **nods**

Someone once accused me of being ... I can't remember his exact words... but it was something along the lines of my ethical emotional compass was pointed due north and when I'm like that I'm unable to be swayed.

the thing is that people don't know that i'm just as hard if not harder on myself. Lots of these blogs come from a place where I've done a lot of deep soul searching in what I did wrong. In where I failed so that I never repeat that mistake. This is just the first one in a while were I can not redeem myself by saying "my intent was good" I can not. I can not redeem my actions. I will not devalue things by trying. If that makes sense.

 

[Chewbacca79]

HAHA... yes... yes it is. good morning Chewy!
Yes, they are... very much so. i do not regret my daughter, but I think in all honesty, I was unfair. **nods**

Someone once accused me of being ... I can't remember his exact words... but it was something along the lines of my ethical emotional compass was pointed due north and when I'm like that I'm unable to be swayed.

the thing is that people don't know that i'm just as hard if not harder on myself. Lots of these blogs come from a place where I've done a lot of deep soul searching in what I did wrong. In where I failed so that I never repeat that mistake. This is just the first one in a while were I can not redeem myself by saying "my intent was good" I can not. I can not redeem my actions. I will not devalue things by trying. If that makes sense.

It does make sense. We all need to root around in our souls from time to time.

I do question your methods though. If they work for you then I can't really argue, but putting very deep and personal stuff like this out there for all to see? I don't see the logic in making yourself vulnerable like that. But like I said, if it works who am I to dispute it?

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Well... I'll tell you why. #1 I'm not hurting anyone first and foremost. My kiddo isnt identifiable and thus subject to current or future embarrassment as a result. Same can be said of every other individual alluded to. Sure people who have been around know who two references are about by screen name, and one of those people is open about his r/l identity, but I have nothing but wonderful things to say about him. Not ever. He is a gem and I'm if anything honored that I was even slightly associated with him for a time.

So that said, why put myself out there for scrutiny? Many of my greatest personal growth moments have happened as a witness to such openness by others. They spoke to my soul and it allowed me to look at myself in reflection. I am forever grateful for these lessons.
So, I put myself out there in hope that maybe it can do the same for another.
I have nothing to lose by it. It harms me none. Yes, it can HURT when someone decides to take a poke at me, but 9/10 people are amazingly supportive. Lastly, it also forces my hand to be true. I have put myself out here. This is who I am. I chose not to play a role in my life. Rather i seek genuine authenticity. It is much easier when you do not worry about who knows what or what they think of you. This is me. If you want to know me, well, here i am. If you dont, no skin off my nose. ( general you not specific you.)

A long time ago I had a bit of a wrestle with transparency v honesty. I do abide by the wishes of my partner with regards to what I share. My Master understands me, and is proud of the things I share. He wants me to write a book some day, and he is not the first to say so, not by far. Right now I'm no longer discussing Miss L. She is having some stress right now, and she ISNT used to being open. So her relationship with me and us is now not a topic of conversation.

Does this now make sense?

 

[Chewbacca79]

Well... I'll tell you why. #1 I'm not hurting anyone first and foremost. My kiddo isnt identifiable and thus subject to current or future embarrassment as a result. Same can be said of every other individual alluded to. Sure people who have been around know who two references are about by screen name, and one of those people is open about his r/l identity, but I have nothing but wonderful things to say about him. Not ever. He is a gem and I'm if anything honored that I was even slightly associated with him for a time.

So that said, why put myself out there for scrutiny? Many of my greatest personal growth moments have happened as a witness to such openness by others. They spoke to my soul and it allowed me to look at myself in reflection. I am forever grateful for these lessons.
So, I put myself out there in hope that maybe it can do the same for another.
I have nothing to lose by it. It harms me none. Yes, it can HURT when someone decides to take a poke at me, but 9/10 people are amazingly supportive. Lastly, it also forces my hand to be true. I have put myself out here. This is who I am. I chose not to play a role in my life. Rather i seek genuine authenticity. It is much easier when you do not worry about who knows what or what they think of you. This is me. If you want to know me, well, here i am. If you dont, no skin off my nose. ( general you not specific you.)

A long time ago I had a bit of a wrestle with transparency v honesty. I do abide by the wishes of my partner with regards to what I share. My Master understands me, and is proud of the things I share. He wants me to write a book some day, and he is not the first to say so, not by far. Right now I'm no longer discussing Miss L. She is having some stress right now, and she ISNT used to being open. So her relationship with me and us is now not a topic of conversation.

Does this now make sense?

Thank you. It does make sense in terms of how you have explained it. It isn't something I could do, I don't think. Not from shame or anything, but I like to keep certain things among a tight circle of people I trust.

Good for you, I admire your openness.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Thank you ♡ oh absolutely, most wouldn't. I know I'm odd woman out on this one for sure.

 

[Chewbacca79]

Thank you ♡ oh absolutely, most wouldn't. I know I'm odd woman out on this one for sure.

Very much so, but whatever works, right?

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Pressure ​

song 1
song 2

*deep sigh*
I’ll preface this by saying that this is two blogs in one, as there are two sides to every story. First off I’d like to say that many times how we intend to be understood and how we make other people can be vastly different realities. Even here a couple days ago, another user here and I had a little bit of a misunderstanding as I made an assumption about his tone. I read in what I feared, which was sarcasm… a jab. He in no way meant it that way, and when he cleared the air I immediately apologized because I was absolutely the one in the wrong. This imperfect medium of communication leads to a plethora of those types of miscommunications. We can’t see the face or body language of the person on the other side, so we may be trucking along with our conversation, oblivious to the fact the person on the other side is struggling or disconcerted.
I’ve talked a few times about the purpose of a slave’s limits before. All people build walls around their emotions and the hazards or scars that have been created over time, as well we build walls around the most precious and sensitive parts of ourselves… both Doms and submissives as well. This is human nature. It is our Ego protecting us from those perceived threats.

It takes time and effort to intentionally learn where those cuts, bruises, and vulnerabilities live. This is why it is EXCEEDINGLY important how you approach getting to know those damaged parts of a prospective partner. It can be so exciting to get to the point in a “get to know you” where you are talking sexy fun times brass tacks, the kinds of things that make you squirm and shiver with the excitement of what might be. This is where Egos love to spar. As much as you want to rip away the walls and bandages to see the exposed underbelly of the creature on the other end of the screen… it is important to remember that you should tread intentionally, deliberately, and with caution. Why? You don’t know where the landmines are buried. You can’t see the face of the person, hear their tone of voice, or see their body language.
It is hard for many submissives to speak up and wave a white or red flag and say HANG ON I’M UNCOMFY. Especially if the submissive is a slave at heart. We are not submissive to you, no… but it can still be very hard to disappoint people who are important to us at all… and if we have gotten close enough to you to have this conversation… you qualify as important.

It isnt fair to expect a perspective Dominant to be a mind reader though, and if we acknowledge that you cant see body language or have access to any other form of measuring comfortability in the conversation then it is up to both to check in periodically. It is up to the submissive to cry halt of they feel uncomfortable or pressured… but it is also up to the Dominant to solicit that information. If a Dominant can’t navigate this interaction without the submissive stepping up to the bat to say “meh not feeling great” … I’m not sure how well that bodes.

So what are some things that can make someone feel pressured?
I’ve experienced all of the following in one situation or another, please feel free to chime in on both sides of the slash! I know expectant prospective submissives can make a Dominant feel pressured too! (guilty as charged!)

1. Insisting on being called a title of your preference. Now you are absolutely entitled to basic respect by virtue of being a human being… but Master, Sir etc… those have specific connotation.
2. Repetitively asking a question multiple ways to get an answer that suits you.
3. Pressing a subject that you didn’t get a reply on the first time.
4. Using positive definite defining language like “you would. You are.” This makes a submissive feel like any other answer is unacceptable or disappointing.
5. Usurping authority that isnt yours to do… like being upset that someone was online and didnt message you, or didnt greet you etc. They arent your submissive to assume that of yet!

Those are the ones that are a bit insidious and not usually on every sub’s hit list of “oh hell no you didn’t just” …
*Call me a name
*Demand I do xyz or give me an order or command
*Send me a scene or explicit picture without my consent

I know that submissives, myself included, can be guilty of the same! I will point to myself and one kind man that I used to message for advice on a regular basis. He never asked for that responsibility! He felt like if he didnt help he would be partly responsible for the negative outcome. That was not at all fair of me! (I’m sorry).
I can add expecting every Dom in the world to just be ready to boast brag and out with every story he has ever lived, like they don’t have the right to privacy as well.


Lastly… I’d like to excerpt a part of a fantastic article from ASJ by Mr. Bob King

“6) I am responsible for understanding, exploring and criticizing my own motives, ethics and boundaries. I will not violate my own ethics and I will respect the ethical boundaries of my subjects.

To the extent that a subject has ceded the responsibilities for respecting their boundaries to me, I acknowledge that I am responsible for considering those limits and boundaries as being as important as my own, and being no more eager to "push" them than to have my own "pushed."

I am as responsible for the consequences of pushing a subject's boundaries as I would be for pushing my own, or allowing them to be pushed.



As a consequence of this, no matter what degree of negotiated permission I may have for the boundaries of another, I will always carefully consider the reactions of my subjects when I am exploring limits and deliberately elicit full information on their honest reactions to it.


^ and deliberately elicit full information on their honest reactions to it.

It is NOT alright to know that you have pushed someone’s boundaries… that they have felt pressured by it, and then guilt trip them about it.
It is alright that accidents happen. That your intentions didnt match the effect… you aren’t God, you aren’t perfect. It happens. What isn’t right is to then cop out and seemingly not care about the emotional wellbeing of the person you were dealing with.

Respectfully submittied,
And Faithfully His ONLY His,
Angie


PS… .to a certain Mentor of ages past… remember the day you cried and told me you had rarely in your whole life been more proud of me for telling someone that they had not a leg to stand on and zero right to judge me? Yeah…. I did just as good. You’d have been proud of me today. I spoke up. I didn’t cow and I wasn’t afraid to say “not okay”. I also didn’t let it hurt me or steal my joy when the person decided to play the cards that would have emotionally damaged me… and benefit of the doubt maybe they had no idea that they were playing those cards.

Lesson I’m owning right now: no one has the right to affect my emotional wellbeing. If i give someone the emotional power to disturb my peace then I have stolen what belongs to my Master, rightly. I used to believe this was only in relation to sexual satusfaction… i shouldn’t let someone mess with my libido and tickle my fancy… but this just isnt so. This also relates to my emotional wellbeing and joy. If I give someone the power to make me feel bad about myself then i’ve given them power over me.

https://media.giphy.com/media/BvFPDcfD2yMhO/giphy.gif

 

[Chewbacca79]

Pressure ​

song 1
song 2

*deep sigh*
I’ll preface this by saying that this is two blogs in one, as there are two sides to every story. First off I’d like to say that many times how we intend to be understood and how we make other people can be vastly different realities. Even here a couple days ago, Mr.Chewy and I had a little bit of a misunderstanding as I made an assumption about his tone. I read in what I feared, which was sarcasm… a jab. He in no way meant it that way, and when he cleared the air I immediately apologized because I was absolutely the one in the wrong. This imperfect medium of communication leads to a plethora of those types of miscommunications. We can’t see the face or body language of the person on the other side, so we may be trucking along with our conversation, oblivious to the fact the person on the other side is struggling or disconcerted.
I’ve talked a few times about the purpose of a slave’s limits before. All people build walls around their emotions and the hazards or scars that have been created over time, as well we build walls around the most precious and sensitive parts of ourselves… both Doms and submissives as well. This is human nature. It is our Ego protecting us from those perceived threats.

It takes time and effort to intentionally learn where those cuts, bruises, and vulnerabilities live. This is why it is EXCEEDINGLY important how you approach getting to know those damaged parts of a prospective partner. It can be so exciting to get to the point in a “get to know you” where you are talking sexy fun times brass tacks, the kinds of things that make you squirm and shiver with the excitement of what might be. This is where Egos love to spar. As much as you want to rip away the walls and bandages to see the exposed underbelly of the creature on the other end of the screen… it is important to remember that you should tread intentionally, deliberately, and with caution. Why? You don’t know where the landmines are buried. You can’t see the face of the person, hear their tone of voice, or see their body language.
It is hard for many submissives to speak up and wave a white or red flag and say HANG ON I’M UNCOMFY. Especially if the submissive is a slave at heart. We are not submissive to you, no… but it can still be very hard to disappoint people who are important to us at all… and if we have gotten close enough to you to have this conversation… you qualify as important.

It isnt fair to expect a perspective Dominant to be a mind reader though, and if we acknowledge that you cant see body language or have access to any other form of measuring comfortability in the conversation then it is up to both to check in periodically. It is up to the submissive to cry halt of they feel uncomfortable or pressured… but it is also up to the Dominant to solicit that information. If a Dominant can’t navigate this interaction without the submissive stepping up to the bat to say “meh not feeling great” … I’m not sure how well that bodes.

So what are some things that can make someone feel pressured?
I’ve experienced all of the following in one situation or another, please feel free to chime in on both sides of the slash! I know expectant prospective submissives can make a Dominant feel pressured too! (guilty as charged!)

1. Insisting on being called a title of your preference. Now you are absolutely entitled to basic respect by virtue of being a human being… but Master, Sir etc… those have specific connotation.
2. Repetitively asking a question multiple ways to get an answer that suits you.
3. Pressing a subject that you didn’t get a reply on the first time.
4. Using positive definite defining language like “you would. You are.” This makes a submissive feel like any other answer is unacceptable or disappointing.
5. Usurping authority that isnt yours to do… like being upset that someone was online and didnt message you, or didnt greet you etc. They arent your submissive to assume that of yet!

Those are the ones that are a bit insidious and not usually on every sub’s hit list of “oh hell no you didn’t just” …
*Call me a name
*Demand I do xyz or give me an order or command
*Send me a scene or explicit picture without my consent

I know that submissives, myself included, can be guilty of the same! I will point to myself and one kind man that I used to message for advice on a regular basis. He never asked for that responsibility! He felt like if he didnt help he would be partly responsible for the negative outcome. That was not at all fair of me! (I’m sorry).
I can add expecting every Dom in the world to just be ready to boast brag and out with every story he has ever lived, like they don’t have the right to privacy as well.


Lastly… I’d like to excerpt a part of a fantastic article from ASJ by Mr. Bob King

“6) I am responsible for understanding, exploring and criticizing my own motives, ethics and boundaries. I will not violate my own ethics and I will respect the ethical boundaries of my subjects.

To the extent that a subject has ceded the responsibilities for respecting their boundaries to me, I acknowledge that I am responsible for considering those limits and boundaries as being as important as my own, and being no more eager to "push" them than to have my own "pushed."

I am as responsible for the consequences of pushing a subject's boundaries as I would be for pushing my own, or allowing them to be pushed.



As a consequence of this, no matter what degree of negotiated permission I may have for the boundaries of another, I will always carefully consider the reactions of my subjects when I am exploring limits and deliberately elicit full information on their honest reactions to it.


^ and deliberately elicit full information on their honest reactions to it.

It is NOT alright to know that you have pushed someone’s boundaries… that they have felt pressured by it, and then guilt trip them about it.
It is alright that accidents happen. That your intentions didnt match the effect… you aren’t God, you aren’t perfect. It happens. What isn’t right is to then cop out and seemingly not care about the emotional wellbeing of the person you were dealing with.

Respectfully submittied,
And Faithfully His ONLY His,
Angie


PS… .to a certain Mentor of ages past… remember the day you cried and told me you had rarely in your whole life been more proud of me for telling someone that they had not a leg to stand on and zero right to judge me? Yeah…. I did just as good. You’d have been proud of me today. I spoke up. I didn’t cow and I wasn’t afraid to say “not okay”. I also didn’t let it hurt me or steal my joy when the person decided to play the cards that would have emotionally damaged me… and benefit of the doubt maybe they had no idea that they were playing those cards.

Lesson I’m owning right now: no one has the right to affect my emotional wellbeing. If i give someone the emotional power to disturb my peace then I have stolen what belongs to my Master, rightly. I used to believe this was only in relation to sexual satusfaction… i shouldn’t let someone mess with my libido and tickle my fancy… but this just isnt so. This also relates to my emotional wellbeing and joy. If I give someone the power to make me feel bad about myself then i’ve given them power over me.

https://media.giphy.com/media/BvFPDcfD2yMhO/giphy.gif

This sounds very much like someone has been stepping on toes.

Not cool.