Lessons Learned

[littlebirdjoy]

Well... yes, but like I said... I'm going to go with my first statement that a lot of time our intended effect does not match the actual effect on the other side of the screen. So this is a polite PSA to both sides to remember you can't see the person on the other side.... I've been guilty as I admit! I did a lot of damage to someone by basically putting them in a situation where they Dom'd me without ever intending to ... and that wasnt fair of me and I NEVER intended it, but it happened.
It happens.
So the effect was not what I intended.

The same here, i bet the person ... i WANT to believe the person had no intention to pressure me... but that is exactly how I felt. When it was pointed out, instead of saying whoops, my bad... it ended up in a guilt trip.

 

[sally_sparrow]

Learning to really listen and obey, and keep your mind open to what they are saying- sometimes we all go into "automatic listening" mode, which means you already assume that you understand what your partner means or is trying to say, but you are actually missing the point.

Learning to be more sensuous, open to your partner's instructions on how to please them.

And also, the painful lesson of learning to protect yourself from harm, emotionally and financially.

The first you listed is big for me. Automatic listening... yes, that describes it perfectly. I think my biggest lesson learned (so far) is to slow down, in every aspect. Not only when it comes to listening, but also in patience, and service. I've also learned how sensitive I can be and am working on how to dispense that appropriately.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Thank you so much for sharing, Sally. I'm glad to see you around again.

Slowing down is a big one. It seems so basic, but one of the things I had to work hard to learn the importance of was taking time to breathe and be in the moment after a scene or encounter with my Person. I used to try to get up and move at a run for many reasons. It took some doing to teach me to stop and let the depth and importance of what had happened sink in.

I think a lot of the times, we as women have a billion other things going on simultaneously in our brains, and you are right... it does take a lot away from the attentiveness our partner deserves.

Thank you <3

Let You Love Me

 

[littlebirdjoy]

D/s as a Coping Strategy for Aspergers
​

"I always like to hear how different people define D/s and also how the relationship dynamic may benefit them in other aspects of life." ~Lotus from a different site

As I've mentioned in a previous post: one of my life realities is that I'm an adult woman with Aspergers. I've already discussed to a degree how that affects my life and how people interact with me. Last year, in the beginning of my relationship with my previous Master, He asked me to write him explaining how Aspergers affects my D/s. At the same time a different Dominant who was acting as a mentor to us both asked me to write a report on how D/s may be a coping mechanism FOR my Aspergers. I asked both of them if I could combine the assignments into one concept, both agreed.

What follows is an edited version of that report. It has been edited slightly, as the original was written for the person to whom I had submitted. He was, at the time, my Daddy. Some of the details inside shouldn't be of interest to anyone but he and I.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
​

Warning; even how I write this is kind of a byproduct of Aspergers. Stream of consciousness.... it's a thing. How I'm explaining something makes complete sense to me, but not always to others. I start a story at the beginning even if the beginning is a long ass time ago and you may not see the connection. I can't help that. One of the symptoms that is an autism spectrum disorder symptom is that we get focused on a topic. I get focused on emotion and psychology. WHY people do what they do. How to influence it. I do so because from a young age I was aware it was a skill I was inept at and set out to become VERY adept at. It's not manipulation. I sometimes feel like a fraud because people think I'm VERY socially adept. I'm not. I am an insanely good actress **sometimes**. See all that made sense to me. To anyone else it read like WHERE THE HECK did we just go? I speak in circles and tell the whole thing because the whole thing matters to me. It doesn't make sense to me to tell it any other way. When I was small I had a lisp, a stutter, and was very socially awkward. At the same time I was VERY outgoing. I loved being the center of attention, but not when someone was speaking to me. I memorized things. Auditory things. I memorize songs, speeches, the entirety of the Episcopal Church service at 4. I'm not kidding. I'd sit in the pew and say it along with the priest and most people knew me so they thought it was cute. But I also didn't give a hoot what people thought of my behavior... well kinda. I didn't know how to do THEM. I did me. My Mom learned that she could make me sit for short periods of time then I needed an "out". When we were at a restaurant if I ate dinner politely and quietly and mind my manners she would give me a "ticket under the table" (a piece of straw cover that I could redeem to hide under the table cloth and chill). I'd Happily hang out under the table quietly doing I don't remember what until they were done. At church I would lay down on my mom's lap when it wasn't a part I could say or sing and she would rub my head. I never slept but I wanted to have that comfort. I focus on rules and I need an *escape* but I don't know how to do that as an adult. I lost it. I need it. I think I give myself timeouts with music. I need time to cuddle and I need time alone. I LOVE adventures but I do them VERY well alone (I don't like anyone seeing me fail or melt down. I can do ALONE really well.... but with people; people who judge me, I get anxious. (I tend to believe people are watching my behavior) So when I'm with people who matter to me... or people who judge me... I like routine. I know exactly what is expected of me and I need to know I can accomplish that. If I fail I'm VERY defensive because I believe I'm right. My boss pointed out I'm conceited about my intelligence. I believe everyone around me has to agree with me because if they don't they just don't understand me #true. That took a very solid YEP true from me. But that plays out badly for me because if someone, even someone in my work who is a supervisor, tries to tell me I did something wrong... I'm very quick to explain exactly why I disagree. I'm NOT being defensive.... defensive means you are feeling at a disadvantage... I don't. I'm feeling like they are wrong. :/ At the same time I liked to be the "good girl." It was really drilled into me the behavior I was expected to have. Polite rules were drilled into me HUGELY. My parents were very 1970s and my mom was brilliant. They had this behavior chart on the fridge that had two slots one for green colored paper and one for red. When I behaved any given day I'd get a green. 10 greens
and I got to pick the restaurant for Friday dinner out. Being on the autism spectrum I like routine. I always picked Mrs. Lee's Chinese restaurant. Always. That was the ticket under the table place. It is important for me to have rules. I Think I am so highly adapted because my mom was VERY good at rules. Downside... I need them re enforced. I need to feel I can keep them. I need to feel they will be followed up. Mrs. Lee knew me from 4 on. They knew me with the stutter and the lisp. The not wanting to talk. They always had a Christmas tree and a present for me under it. I Dunno if they did or my mom did. I took my son back to meet her when he was born. They called her and told her I came. She remembered me. She drove in. BUT conversely if I got three reds my dad would spank me. We discussed him. He was a "pick your own switch" kinda guy. When I was little I had to go to the yard and find a stick. It had to be longer than my arm and at least two fingers wide. Whatever I brought back I'd get hit with. It was over the knee. No undies, and if I moved my arms or cried I'd get three more. It was one hit for every year of life plus penalties. When he was "good dad" this was fine. When he lost it with the drinking and drugs and abuse it became bad. This has NOTHING TO DO with why I think punishment is positive for me. ZERO. Truly. I think. :/ Who the f*** knows. I MIGHT be psychologically stuck at that age and wanting to go back to what worked and what was simpler... but i think it has much more to do with my need to handle the concept of guilt. Shame. Back to the Chinese restaurant. So I HAD a lisp and stutter. There was a cook I liked to watch. I had a stool in the kitchen they let me sit on. I'd watch him. He'd talk to me. I used to watch the fire and watch what he did. He didn't mind that I didn't want to talk to him. He fixed my stutter. He understood I was the opposite of most people. My brain works faster than my mouth. My mouth is fighting to catch up. I'd been taught over and over THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!! But I get lost. I Forgot what I am saying. I can't remember so then I stutter. I get so focused on the words I get stuck. He taught me to let go of that rule. To just *talk*... trust my brain because it knows where my mouth is. I do that with writing too. I just go. But I know **I know** where I'm going. Yes. I Plan my lessons much better and I have a co teacher whose sole job is to wave me down if I went sideways. I don't do it so much... but it can happen if the kids bring up a topic... but not in bad ways. I'll tape me teaching for you. <3 often. So he fixed me. It was instantaneous. My mom says it was miraculous. It wasn't. The lisp was a tongue thrust and that took much more time. I was always TINY compared to the other kids. I mean their elbow height. I like it. I don't have a problem with it... but people around me thought I was shy because of the stutter or the lisp or the height idk. There is this picture of me in a frog costume they dressed me up in at school and made me go from class to class in... it was a ploy to get me involved. If you read Wonder... I offered extra credit to the kids in my classes to read it... at one time I counted 50 kids reading it around campus ... I asked them to because I felt such kinship without the outward visible deformity... my mom had her burns. Wow, yeah that was one hell of a loop... but the point there is... they had me dress up because they thought it'd help. I don't think it did. WHAT DID was learning to act. I learned I'm REALLY good at acting;. like really good. *Name redacted* was my adopted grandmother. She took me to clown college ... really a thing... and I learned to have my own face paint and my own clown personality. Yes, that was the start of Joy. So all of this DOES in fact tie in with Aspergers. I act. I feel like a lot of my life is acting. It's easier. That doesn’t mean I don't feel what I do. I DO. Deeply. I don't know how to explain this better. Remember that one really deep conversation where I asked if you ever felt like a fraud? That. My mom used to REALLY hurt me by saying I'm such an actress. She never understood that my emotions are felt strongly deeply and overwhelmingly. THIS IS ASPERGERS. or autism. or anxiety... it's me. I can't separate them. I watch a movie I do not have such a problem with suspension of disbelief it's ridiculous. You get the benefit of it when we play you KNOW I'm 160% invested and it is NOT typed word. but the down side... I watch a film and I'm broken. I remember watching Australia and I went to the room grabbed my chest fell to the floor and sobbed brokenly when the boy is ripped from his mother. Because I FEEL IT. I cry at TARZAN for crying out loud! Not kidding in the least. I can't do horror unless you want me crawling inside your skin for safety. I feel emotion with no filter. ZERO. There is no mitigation. I'm not the one who cant feel or express emotion ... I've learned to feel it TOO DEEPLY. It may have started out by acting... but that does not change how it impacts me. If my life is method acting well... it's still real to me. You mentioned what would *stern look* do... and you were taken aback when I replied one of four things: #1 I'd ask are you mad? #2 I'd be really upset and I'd ask you please don't be mad #3 I'd try to find out how to fix it immediately #4 I'd end up in a ball of tears. Now I should clarify that I mean if for instance we were out and I can't even think of a for instance so... let's just say I mean stern look as in "you displeased me" ... fuck. You need to understand the concept of displeasing you... shaming you is a BIG DAMN DEAL to me. HUGE. Not ok. But at the same time you CAN'T TELL ME I CAN'T. You can't. I need the rules I need you as my Dominant. I can't help that. There will be times I don't do it right. I know I'm going to piss you off at some point in time... it's life... but you need to know it's going to hurt me like a bitch when I do. Hello... you just saw it. and that was CALM. That was me trying to be the collected one because I needed to (in my head) do what you'd asked and walk you through what needed done. Internally I was at your feet head on your feet sobbing. Absolutely sobbing. Not because I wanted you to take pity on me... but because I had really and truly in my head dishonored you. Remorse. Very very real emotion to me.
Back to Aspergers... I don't do letting people down well! I don't like not living up to expectations. A good example is TIME. I'm early. Always. If I need to be a place I'm there a solid 30 min early. Always. Even to work. you'll see I clock in every day 30 min early. We are not paid hourly. When I was a kid every school year my parents would take me to school to let me walk my schedule a day in advance. It was the only way I could cope. We'd go the weekend before and I'd walk the school with them when the school was closed until I could get every place I needed to go alone and comfortably. We'd do it in order too. Bus ramp to classroom to PE to Art to Music whatever.... together 2 or 3 times then I'd do it alone 2 or 3 times before we could leave.
When we moved to Virginia I had to walk through the woods alone. One of my last "good dad" memories ... he took me through the woods and cut big Vs in the tree trunks (notches) and spray painted them orange so I could see my way clearly. Yea... that was win. I do strange cities and airports just fine because I know that there are signs I can follow... but I can't imagine hopping on the metro alone unless I knew 2 or 3 times exactly what I was doing. and again... here is where I get embarrassed if someone I love is with me. I don't like to be a burden. I feel like I am a burden a lot and it adds to my guilt and embarrassment and leads me to meltdowns.
Meltdown for me looks like a panic attack. Maybe it is. I'm in new territory with you. When I love someone I'm terrified they will leave me. I immediately melt down and I CAN'T STOP. It isn't a temper tantrum you can tell a six year old get a grip... I CAN'T. I literally can't. It isn't possible. I need to be held tightly... If you haven't seen Temple Grandin... look her up... you need to see it.. I'm not as "poorly adjusted" but SHE is the reason I went OMG am I autistic? The way she explains the holding machine... #yes. I've explained to EVERY LOVER in my LIFE and nobody fucking listens. Or cares enough. Idk. When it happens I need to be held TIGHT AND DON'T LET GO. It is the only thing that calms me. literally. If he won't, I'll go to a corner and put myself in a corner arms around myself head as tight into my knees as I can get and hold myself.
In my head I'm hearing: "You don't love me. you don't care. I don't matter. You don't want me. Why don't you care enough to help me. etc etc etc." not you you... whoever you. Adam was the one who figured it out. He was the first person who learned when I'm getting stressed out my *insta calm* my off switch is to basically put me in a headlock from behind and wrap his other arm holding my arms to my sides and put his head on mine and just hold me tight. I used to walk up to him and stand in front of him grab his arm and put it around my neck and he knew. This was when I was 15 and 16. Not kidding. It might have even been a carryover from Joe... ... I never had the panic attacks before Joe... it is his letting them pull him away that started it. ... then he died... so ... if I did that relationship RIGHT if it was completely perfect and we were both happy and we were gonna spend forever together and he just let them pull us apart without even a fight... blah. Just blah. I also get into mad or defensive meltdown... put me on my knees either literally or metaphorically speaking and dont stop looking me in the eyes until I can hush and listen. I know it seems counterintuitive that someone with Aspergers is telling you eye contact is good. I learned that one with situation I won't name because it makes you mad. One time about 9 months ago we were talking and I wasn't letting him finish and he says "Are you submissive or aren't you. Hush and listen." I was grinning from ear to ear and yeah I shut up. It didn't make me mad it made me smile. I HAD been mad. Someone else found out that jokingly saying "WOMAN" exasperatedly then putting me in kneel disarmed me. It wouldn't work with you... you gotta find yours. The only reason he lives to tell the tale is because the first time it happened caught me SO off guard I laughed and every time after it reminded me of that and became a kill switch.
Going back to that eye contact thing. I think I actually rely on eye contact MORE than most. Because I spent so much time trying to learn to read emotions I NEED it. Think of Nod. Think of *the look* you have SEEN how expression affects me. More so than body posture. I rely on facial expression. It's a double edged sword. I Will ask ALL THE TIME: are you *emotion* if I don't get it right I need you to name it. Because if I ask I'm trying to identify something and it is going to bother me until I get there. I then need you to tell me WHY because I will always innately put it on me. I'm not narcissistic... (well I might be... but this isn't it) I'm more prone to guilt shame etc... it's easier for me to blame me... (in a way if I blame me maybe I can fix it too... I can do better) So... If I ask: are you mad? No. ...... are you upset? no. Are you..... better: Are you mad? No. I'm tired because I stayed up late last night. or Are you mad? Yes, but not at you. I'm stressed out because my boss did XYZ. or Are you mad? I'm a bit upset at you, because you did ABC thing <<<<< BAD EXAMPLE
Why... D/s SAVES ME FROM THIS. There should NEVER be a time you are mad annoyed upset disappointed that you keep it to you. *** THIS ISN'T VANILLA*** If I do something that makes you mad, upset, annoyed you should TELL ME either immediately or very soon after. Best case scenario it looks like this: We have a protocol for important conversations (why do I like protocol? ROUTINE MAKES ME FEEL SAFE) so you have me in said protocol whatever it is. *my name* I'm a bit upset with you right now. (if you want to know if I know why ask otherwise tell me... you do you) I need in the future you to do ABC to prevent this. Do you understand? Do you have any questions? handle them. If you feel it needs correction ****never punish me for something I couldn't reasonably know a rule we had not established I'm not taking ridiculous things that are no freaking duh... but minutia... but if I knew it... and I Did it... then it probably requires correction. WHY? IT MAKES ME FEEL SAFE. We discussed briefly yesterday that punishment is in a way a mercy... it wipes the slate. it makes that guilt GO. It's OVER. Thing is over. I can quit trying to make it up to you. I can quit apologizing... it's over. You took it away. All of this speaks LOVE SAFE to me. If you do this ...someday I should QUIT having to ask if you are mad at me... because if you haven't put me on my knees then clearly you AREN'T. Kinda like collar takes away my fear of you leaving me... I belong to you... how can you leave something like your arm or your leg? or your heart?
Kinda like rules make my world easier to navigate... I know what is expected of me.. I know you are protecting me... I know you gave me what I need to keep us and me safe. D/s saves me from me. I look at you (looked at you) cross eyed when you said I'm not your dominant... ..... ........................................................................................................................................................
How does that even WORK in your head? I mean... I know I may be confused... but Daddy... LOL... I'd venture to argue that a Daddy has the HARDEST dominant job in the game. I'm not asking you to be a mind reader.I'll give you all of the history the key to my brain all of it... but you are very much in the D/s game here... it isn't a separate game. It's the same. Different play book... but same game. I just need more hugs more forethought less GRRRRRR. I need fun GRRRR not worst example ever: "I gave you one task just one... and you cant even do that right?" <<<<< OMFG. OMFG Yes... you gave me one task... yes... I make a mistake and I forgot to add halibut to the grocery list... I'm sorry. Truly. Remind me to pay more attention and punish me if you must but I already feel shit if you just tell me I made your life harder because I forgot (((((( or "sit there and shut up. I'll talk to you when I feel like it." <<<<<<<<< that elicits FUCK YOU NO then lots of tears.
But at the SAME TIME if you ARE MAD even a little and you don't tell me... and I have to do guesswork to figure out that I made you upset and why and how to fix it and you don't let me fix it... this sends me into a tailspin of mistrust. Wow I Hope I Made ANY sense in here. So yeah D/s is basically my coping mechanism with the brain and emotions I've got. It's a logical way to help me solve my myriad issues that I NEED. because I can't cope in a vanilla relationship. It's unhealthy. This is healthy to me.

~Faithfully His,
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Today I'm more than a little emotionally burned out. Last night i had some really important conversations... i did a lot of work on not assuming hurt, and I also had to, as a result of another comment basically bare my soul about my childhood and teen years once more to set the record straight. This is something that is particularly emotionally tiresome, and this time i decided to do it on one giant letter so that hopefully I never have to do it again. So i spent a solid 10 hours writing 23 pages.... and that's about adios for me for the day, lol.

On the lesson learned side:
Where some seek to avoid feelings at all costs because feelings are experienced as pain. I, on the other hand seek the emotion in all things. I do not find it painful, even if the emotions are themselves unpleasant. i do not find it stressful or negative. To me, i find the moments when i'm deeply immersed in emotion as exhilarating, and my most alive. This can seem like a terrible thing to someone who does not feel similarly, and i'm glad to understand now, why. The times i feel the most alive are when i'm fully immersed either in the emotional connectivity of things, or the only time that completely shuts off as do my logical inner monologues, which is when I'm on my knees actively in service. Both of these are the times at which I'm most at peace with my life.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

to wit:

I Kneel
by Angedesoleil

For me:
When the world is moving way too fast,
When worries and the troubles seem to over run,
When the hurts and anger feel like they will last,
and it seems that everything is spinning, dizzy, and confusing....
I kneel.

For You:
When life has given you one more burden to shoulder,
When I see the chaos in your tired eyes,
When the stresses seem like they will cause you to falter,
and I see You weighted down by it all..
I kneel.

For me:
You call me to my place,
I come with quick and quiet feet
and you lift my chin to look up into Your face
THIS is the safest space;
my calm, my arbor, my fort, my home.
I kneel.

For You:
Looking down at what is Yours,
Watching how my mood immediately shifts,
through this simple act, the mood lifts:
devotion, calm, tranquility, desire, and need
I kneel.

For U/us:
A simple act
A deeper meaning
reminding us both of the most important fact
I am Yours..You are Mine... I am Yours.
I kneel.

~Faithfully His;
Angie
​

 

[soulfulfriend]

I've been quietly thinking about some of the things that are being discussed here. Days of reading, feeling, gaining a different perspective. There are times in my life where I have just felt trapped in this blinding silence. Inside I am screaming to be acknowledged. Just for eye contact, a look of understanding trying to find a way through something. It about a discipline to exercise all avenues to talk to one another. To de-personalize a perceived mistake\hurt. Not playing games, to try to take control of another till someones ego is satisfied. Its like an echoing pattern I see, when we let fear take hold. I like to think we are so much stronger together, able to offer a hand and help our brothers and sisters up. Love and compassion is catching (if you choose to embrace our selfless nature). I've learned to not take things at face value, to question and converse in a meaningful ways (not be stuck at disappointment). To listen and share. Sometimes to lift up those who are struggling to get up. I refuse to turn away from my charge when they most need me. There is always a place at my table if you are willing to speak. There is no place for fear to take hold when we are one.

 

[sally_sparrow]

Today I'm more than a little emotionally burned out. Last night i had some really important conversations... i did a lot of work on not assuming hurt, and I also had to, as a result of another comment basically bare my soul about my childhood and teen years once more to set the record straight. This is something that is particularly emotionally tiresome, and this time i decided to do it on one giant letter so that hopefully I never have to do it again. So i spent a solid 10 hours writing 23 pages.... and that's about adios for me for the day, lol.

On the lesson learned side:
Where some seek to avoid feelings at all costs because feelings are experienced as pain. I, on the other hand seek the emotion in all things. I do not find it painful, even if the emotions are themselves unpleasant. i do not find it stressful or negative. To me, i find the moments when i'm deeply immersed in emotion as exhilarating, and my most alive. This can seem like a terrible thing to someone who does not feel similarly, and i'm glad to understand now, why. The times i feel the most alive are when i'm fully immersed either in the emotional connectivity of things, or the only time that completely shuts off as do my logical inner monologues, which is when I'm on my knees actively in service. Both of these are the times at which I'm most at peace with my life.

How do you block out stress, or negativity while experiencing difficult emotions? Stress is imminent for me in many areas of my life right now and it is increasing my level of pain beyond measure, while already dealing with a physical injury. I am genuinely curious because I am really trying to get a hold of my emotions so I am not so high and low as I have been.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

How do you block out stress, or negativity while experiencing difficult emotions? Stress is imminent for me in many areas of my life right now and it is increasing my level of pain beyond measure, while already dealing with a physical injury. I am genuinely curious because I am really trying to get a hold of my emotions so I am not so high and low as I have been.

Wow is this question apropos right now! I'm just amazed at it. First off, **huge giant hugs** I don't know if you have any idea how much I respect you, Sally. I'm so glad to see you back and posting, and you are regularly in my thoughts.

To the point:
"How do you block out stress, or negativity while experiencing difficult emotions?"
There are a couple answers here, and it depends upon the purpose of experiencing the emotions.
If the purpose of the emotions is to understand something, to gain insight... I'm not a Jedi. I do not feel that emotional pain is a negative. I embrace passion. For me, the truth of those understandings is led by the emotions... so i do not block it out at all.
This is so pertinent right now to the huge revelation I had over the last three days.
I'm about to get so personal here, it a topic I've not discussed publicly. My Master and I both deal with things on a very intellectual level. We enjoy very much understanding and being understood. He has taught me so much about myself in the last 10 months, still there are things I have a hard time grasping, and that is very new territory for me. i'm used to being the most knowledgeable in a room, but if I run circles around people usually... he tap dances them around me

One of the things that trips me up CONSTANTLY is how he understands my motivations better than I do sometimes. He spots ego flareups and calls me to the carpet on them, but in very kind and quiet ways. He is very wise in knowing when to stand his ground and make me stop, and when to allow me to run with an argument (philosophical) to help me get to a realization.
The current one was related to Love.... expressions of love, choice, destiny, and life.

We have discussed on and off that he does not prefer to live his life in emotions much. He loves, but he loves in his own quiet way. Our love languages are the same (almost percentage for percentage, which is freaky), but our way of expressing it is completely different. I'm an INFJ, he is an INTJ, which basically means that where I'm an external feeler, he is an internal one and where I'm an internal thinker he is an external one. ... my strongest but least confident suit is my logic. Question my logic and I'll be HACKED off, his is the mirror... if I question his emotions it will hack him off.

But because I can sometimes not understand his expressions of love, because they do not mirror mine, it leads me to question and doubt. (It is related... go with me). So a few days ago we discussed how he experiences emotion, and he told me that he would rather do ANYTHING than be stuck in a world of emotion. Love ... the kind that pulls at your heart is TORTURE to him. He feels off kilter, like he can't function right. so he avoids it at all cost. He seeks to experience it at a safe vicarious distance, but he himself, never opts to go there. I didn't know how to internalize this.... until last night!

"we spoke the other day of emotions, and how supremely uncomfortable they make you feel... that you would do nearly anything to avoid the feeling of love because it makes you completely incapable of function.
I guess in this we are exactly the opposite. I think you had it partly right when you said well... you had it completely right from your own perspective because you identify feeling as pain to a degree.... when you said that it pains you to see me in relentless pursuit of pain.... but for me, you are right i relentlessly pursue the human condition. I relentlessly pursue to be completely absorbed in feeling ... or completely devoid of it, but the only way i know to be the latter is to be at your toes and being actively in service to you. so... in a way you were completely right, and completely off... right for your expression and experience, off for mine
those two experiences are the only time i make my mind shut off... when emotions override it ... or when you do. Where logic and thinking are pleasant for you, that tape recorder in my head the incessant thinking THAT is my pain. THAT is my discomfort.
Thank you for allowing me time to understand your meaning and insight
for me, those moments when I'm engulfed in an emotion, even if it is vicarious, those moments are when I feel supremely alive. when I feel my purpose and feel most well at ease, with the sole exception previously mentioned. ... but that kinda requires... you. "

So... for me, I do not seek to avoid that emotion. I seek to experience it, in full entirety. I take from it the lessons I can, and then I release it.

.... release it?

ok. This one is also really personal to me. When i was a kid I once went on this Christian retreat where they asked us to "lay our burdens down" ... they asked us to use this imagery of laying our hurts into the hands of Jesus and letting him take them. I tried, but it didnt help me.

One night ... it was October 11th of last year. I'll not forget the day... I was on the phone to my then Protector... and this what I'm about to tell you is the moment he became my first Master. This is WHY he was.
We had been talking through some of my past, I was really hurting over my father. I was explaining that I wanted to call him and ask him three questions. I needed three answers. If he never wanted kids, why did he and mom get pregnant 6 times? He didnt want me.. so use a fucking condom. why did he leave when mom was hurt? Why did he leave me alone with her? Why did he then send me to foster care? He didnt have to take care of me... i was fine alone... I'd been for three weeks alone, why couldn't he just let me stay in my own home... why did he send me away? Why did he never once come see me or call? I wanted these answers. I felt I needed these answers.
My Protector felt it was important for me to discuss this. to explain a specific point. i remember sitting on my tile floor, it is the dead of winter. i was in a corner, he could see me on the camera but hear me on the phone. My bare toes were pressed to my wall and my head was resting on it and i begged him not to ask me to discuss it. He pressed and I again said "please don't make me" He just said my name and I sobbed and spilled it all and I cried as hard as i usually do when discussing this aloud. It rips my very soul open, even 28 years later... As soon as I was done speaking he said the following: "Thank you. Now, you are to give it to me.... give all of that to me. it is mine to carry now. it is no longer yours to carry, it is mine. Why is that?" "Because is what you do" "that's right. it is what I do. Why is it what I do?" "Because of who you are." "Who am I?" I hesitated... a long time... He repeated "name... who am I" "you are my Master." "that is right. Now, give it to me." and i did. I can not explain further than that... it is simply that i emotionally handed that hurt away. I did with him what i could not do on my own all those years prior. i could not lay my burdens at the feet of Jesus, but i could hand them to my Master who specifically asked me to allow him to carry them. I will tell you that prior to that night, the hurt of my father was so great, so enormous that it felt like my soul was being ripped from my body every time i had to revisit it. Since that night, the quality of that pain has completely altered. I have ever felt that soul ripping pain again. Yes, it hurts, it makes me sad, but it does not engulf me any longer. It is not because I told it all, or got it into the light. i had told that part of my history many many times, to many well meaning people.

Similarly, three months ago I was speaking with my Master about hurts that had happened over the last year. specific words that had been told me repeatedly over and over until they became a new tape in my head: "you are wired differently. You would be a handful to even an experienced dominant. you are too much. I'll never understand you." etc. All of the things that reinforced the hurtful tape in my head that tells me I'm not worth someone's time and effort. I'm disposable. I had been wounded so deeply and repeatedly yet the person who did the wounding held so much sway over me that I was more worried about their emotional state than mine. He asked me to once and for all tell him absolutely everything that had hurt me, from a to z. Tell him all of the reasons that I was completely wrapped up in this pain and unable to let it go... so i did. Over the course of hours I explained it all, all of the ways I'd failed. all of the perceived or real wrongs. all of the things i blamed myself for, and felt i'd been terribly wronged in return. when i was done he had never once heard the above story... but out of his mouth came the following: "Now, you are to give it to me. This man has no more right over your emotions or your heart. you are to give every last bit of that to me. Can you do that for me name?" "yes, Master... (I was completely in shock because he and my previous Master had nothing at all in common) He continued "You are mine. all of you is mine. That includes your emotions and your past. i can fight the world for and with you. I will move mountains to help and protect you, but i can not and will not fight this any longer. It is mine."
I had one brief slip up where I took back those hurts in a moment of anger (not at him), but after that was dealt with, i have put those emotions and memories back squarely where they belong, at my Master's feet.

I am not saying that we get to make our PYL our "emotional garbage bag" as someone once told me. No. you will notice that these two situations my Master ASKED me to hand to him. He chose that these were things he wanted to hold for me. This is one way, one very real and tangible way that D/s helps me. I'm not alone to carry these weights any longer. When there is something that is just too big for me to carry, those are the things that my Master steps in and says "I can carry that for you. That is what I do. That is who I am.

To Grumps: thank you for carrying that weight for me. I will always be grateful.


I hope that this has been at all useful, Sally. If i can help you in any way, if you would allow me to be your friend, I'm here. i would like to be.

My high school sweetheart's favorite song was Lean on Me I never got it really back then... but it is very special now.



@soulfulfriend I'm sorry!!! Reply will be incoming. You know i appreciate and adore you, but i know you know too why this reply had to take precedence!

~Faithfully His,
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I've been quietly thinking about some of the things that are being discussed here. Days of reading, feeling, gaining a different perspective. There are times in my life where I have just felt trapped in this blinding silence. Inside I am screaming to be acknowledged. Just for eye contact, a look of understanding trying to find a way through something. It about a discipline to exercise all avenues to talk to one another. To de-personalize a perceived mistake\hurt. Not playing games, to try to take control of another till someones ego is satisfied. Its like an echoing pattern I see, when we let fear take hold. I like to think we are so much stronger together, able to offer a hand and help our brothers and sisters up. Love and compassion is catching (if you choose to embrace our selfless nature). I've learned to not take things at face value, to question and converse in a meaningful ways (not be stuck at disappointment). To listen and share. Sometimes to lift up those who are struggling to get up. I refuse to turn away from my charge when they most need me. There is always a place at my table if you are willing to speak. There is no place for fear to take hold when we are one.

Wow, that is powerful.
Thank you, friend <3

A couple points in there were wonderfully said!
To de-personalize a perceived mistake\hurt. I'd like to hear more about how you feel this is useful and important. My #1 important thing for friends is that they judge me based upon intent. So, that seems counter intuitive to me. Then again, it reminds me of a quote that is really important in my life:
"“Self-importance is our greatest enemy. Think about it - what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellowmen. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone.”
Carlos Castenada has an entire concept about a time that he was hearing a lesson from Don Juan about a lion and how it means no offense to anyone, even when it is taking prey. It is simply seeking to fill its needs. People are the same. Very rarely are people truly "out to get you", they simply have needs that conflict with your own, and that is typically taken as a slight or offense.

Its like an echoing pattern I see, when we let fear take hold.Boy howdy, I could write a book on this! *sigh* I like to think that I've maintained my concept of innocence, but I admit I fall short many times. Even the other day i had to go back and apologize to my Master for an internal thought that he would have had no idea I had. We just got off the phone discussing it actually. You know the time difference, because ours is the same. So I'm getting up when he is headed to bed. He typically is still up until I get in the car. Many days I will get up early to try to spend a little time with him, even if it is just watching him play a game. It makes us both happy. Well, our schedules have been "off" since Christmas and it has gotten harder and harder on me really. So two days ago i FINALLY caught him in the morning and woke up super ridiculously late to spend time with him... but he told me that he "couldnt chat" ... now usually this is because he has company, and we dont really talk in front of Miss L. clearly, however, she was sound asleep. I took it as thought he was having more fun with his game, or was stressed out and didnt really want to talk. Internally I was grumpy about it and I was cranky. Externally i was not. After about an hour I came to know that for the first time in a loooonnnngggg time his arm was kinda occupied because she fell asleep on him. and that was a really positive and good thing.
So I had to go back and apologize and admit that I do know better. He has never given me any reason to think that he would pick game, alone, whatever over spending time with me. Quite the opposite. So I write him an explanation that I owed him an apology, and why. That I would alter my thinking moving forward. You are right... it is the fear of rejection or the fear of *insert thing here* that does an awful lot of shouting in our heads sometimes.

I refuse to turn away from my charge when they most need me. There is always a place at my table if you are willing to speak. There is no place for fear to take hold when we are one
You made me smile.

So my carryover post from a while back which should live here in perpetuity is this:

Innocence​

One of the most important conversations I ever had with my first Sir was regarding the concept of cyclical patterns in my life. I've been in several very unusual yet remarkably similar situations in my life. There are some traumas I've lived through in my life, not once, but multiple times. When I was discussing one instance with him that he had, until then, been unaware of (that is strange as he has been in and around my life since I was 18... so for him to know that this had happened while he existed completely unbeknownst to him was very hard for him to hear) I was repeating exactly how stupid I felt about the circumstance. I was repeating how clearly I should have seen it coming. He stopped me and asked me what command #1 was... command #1 was "I will learn to accept credit and place blame where it truly belongs". He stopped me and said "that's right *name*. You were not stupid. You were innocent. Your innocence is what is so special about you. It took me a very long time to come to terms with this. La Chica actually is the one who helped me to understand. (a woman he was friends with at the time we were in college, of whom I was very wary.) Over the course of the next hour he had me sit down on the floor of my living room while he explained that he had originally been angry with me and frustrated that I never seemed to "learn' from my "mistakes"; that I kept walking the same path with very little alteration to my own behavior. He said that he had ranted and raved to La Chica about it, and she had sat him down, just as he was now doing me and explained that this was not a fault or failing. That quite the opposite, it was an incredible strength. She asked him what was "innocence?" He struggled to define it, as did I when he asked me. The first instinct is to say it is "lack of knowledge" but that is ignorance. So then "the lack of worldly knowledge" this is naivety. After much batting back and forth the definition came to be "the sincere and deeply held belief that people and the world are innately good and safe" This is usually what is murdered by life, time, age, and experience. The negative experiences we all face in life, either by our own creation, or what is done to us rob us of this innocence masquerading in the guise of "knowledge". We learn to be guarded, jaded, distrustful, withholding. We "learn" to keep ourselves safe from the hurt, and the damage but not repeating our "mistakes". In so doing though we also then walk into situations with our guards and shields up. We look at people with skepticism and force them to jump through hoops to prove they are zebras not horses. In doing so... we rob them of their innocence by assumption, all in the name of self preservation and wisdom.

That is not to say I'm intentionally blind to the dangers around , and the snakes and traps. I'm not blind. I just don't assume they await. I maintain myself and my innocence and joy until and unless it is proven that I need to take care of the person standing in front of me. I constantly make those connections between past and future... but this is where I have an intentional disconnect... not entirely unlike someone who goes to the movies and gets caught up in the plot. One part of your mind is very aware of the fact you sit in a theater watching a screen and these are characters not real people and situations... yet for that moment in time you suspend that knowledge... but it in a box and allow yourself to get caught up and invested. I do the same...
La Chica had explained that, for whatever reason, either intentionally or by nature, I hold onto my innocence tightly. That these negative and hurtful experiences do not paint the future for me. That it takes strength to put those damages where they belong, squarely back on the person who visited them on me, and move forward untarnished, untainted, unjaded. It took me a while to process what he said, and decide if it had validity or not. It is absolutely accurate. It has been something since then that I have made a point to be cognizant of. I have learned to be aware of when I'm allowing my innocence to rule me... and I'm also cognizant of the warning lights, sirens, and red flags that exist in the boxes in the closet. I'm capable of opening those boxes when needed... and it can be very disconcerting to the person who had prior to that been afforded my innocence to then face the moat, the robot, and the fire breathing dragon that can and will guard me from them if they make it necessary. My walls can go up just as hard and as high as any other 35 year old woman's. My door slams just as hard (look up INFJ door slam if you have any doubt. )I've done it 5 times in my life.
So why do I hang on to my innocence so tightly? Why is this important to me? What does it have to do with D/s?
I dont think anyone given the definition up there, can argue that innocent is the default natural state of us. It is who we started out to be.
Very few would argue that we should not strive to be our most healthy, happy, whole, complete versions of ourselves for our partner. For the sake of this concept I'm setting aside those who enjoy "breaking" their partner to "remake them" and those who prefer to fix broken things. Rather, I seek to discuss the people who desire a positive growth minded lifestyle approach to D/s. For those people, we want to be our absolute best for our P/person. One of the responsibilities of a P/partner is to care for the self. On the dominant side: you can not care for your submissive if you are not first capable of taking care of yourself. For the submissive: you can not and should not put more weight on your Dominant than is necessary. The onus of self care to the very best of your ability is on you. For me, that not only includes physical health, but also emotional and mental health. I believe we are born emotionally and mentally healthy and whole. It is our life experiences that sully this over time. Innocence, for me, is part of that. So to me, it is my Dominant's right to have that innocence in tact as much as is humanly possible. Yes, there will be scars and stripes that I've taken from the past... we all have them. I dont live in a bubble, far from. But he shouldn't have to constantly pay for the mistakes of others. He should get my joy, my trust, my love, my passion given freely and with abandon. I seek to give him my child like wonder and exuberance. I dont want to walk with faltering steps looking at the ground for the cracks and the potholes that I expect to laty in wait to trip me... I want to run full throttle into His waiting arms; jumping into them both of us grinning and laughing not caring WHO is around to see or judge. He deserves that. I deserve it too. I deserve His freely given joy, His unhindered smile, His unguarded trust, and His uninhibited passion. I deserve a Man who has not allowed His experiences to jade him. He who hangs on to His own innocence. He won't be waiting for the next shoe to drop. He isnt giving in measured amount of His love and affection afraid of being let down.

Please please take 4 minutes from your day to watch this one video. If I have ever done ONE THING that mattered to you. If you have read one thing I've ever written that made you smile, or think, or relate to another person... please... watch this one video. I promise it will not be a waste of your time. Thank you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Si7gLo_dMqg
​

~Faith
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This Innocence~
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xoG0Xv3vs0
Return to Innocence:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rk_sAHh9s08
Faith Like a Child:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saEC5g2TDgA
Faith Like a Child:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpVgSj3TI3g
Report Post ​

~Faithfully His;
Angie

PS... positive thoughts appreciated today... big forever things afoot! I'm excited, and nervous and a giant ball of AAAAHHHH!

 

[sally_sparrow]

Wow is this question apropos right now! I'm just amazed at it. First off, **huge giant hugs** I don't know if you have any idea how much I respect you, Sally. I'm so glad to see you back and posting, and you are regularly in my thoughts.

To the point:
"How do you block out stress, or negativity while experiencing difficult emotions?"
There are a couple answers here, and it depends upon the purpose of experiencing the emotions.
If the purpose of the emotions is to understand something, to gain insight... I'm not a Jedi. I do not feel that emotional pain is a negative. I embrace passion. For me, the truth of those understandings is led by the emotions... so i do not block it out at all.
This is so pertinent right now to the huge revelation I had over the last three days.
I'm about to get so personal here, it a topic I've not discussed publicly. My Master and I both deal with things on a very intellectual level. We enjoy very much understanding and being understood. He has taught me so much about myself in the last 10 months, still there are things I have a hard time grasping, and that is very new territory for me. i'm used to being the most knowledgeable in a room, but if I run circles around people usually... he tap dances them around me

One of the things that trips me up CONSTANTLY is how he understands my motivations better than I do sometimes. He spots ego flareups and calls me to the carpet on them, but in very kind and quiet ways. He is very wise in knowing when to stand his ground and make me stop, and when to allow me to run with an argument (philosophical) to help me get to a realization.
The current one was related to Love.... expressions of love, choice, destiny, and life.

We have discussed on and off that he does not prefer to live his life in emotions much. He loves, but he loves in his own quiet way. Our love languages are the same (almost percentage for percentage, which is freaky), but our way of expressing it is completely different. I'm an INFJ, he is an INTJ, which basically means that where I'm an external feeler, he is an internal one and where I'm an internal thinker he is an external one. ... my strongest but least confident suit is my logic. Question my logic and I'll be HACKED off, his is the mirror... if I question his emotions it will hack him off.

But because I can sometimes not understand his expressions of love, because they do not mirror mine, it leads me to question and doubt. (It is related... go with me). So a few days ago we discussed how he experiences emotion, and he told me that he would rather do ANYTHING than be stuck in a world of emotion. Love ... the kind that pulls at your heart is TORTURE to him. He feels off kilter, like he can't function right. so he avoids it at all cost. He seeks to experience it at a safe vicarious distance, but he himself, never opts to go there. I didn't know how to internalize this.... until last night!

"we spoke the other day of emotions, and how supremely uncomfortable they make you feel... that you would do nearly anything to avoid the feeling of love because it makes you completely incapable of function.
I guess in this we are exactly the opposite. I think you had it partly right when you said well... you had it completely right from your own perspective because you identify feeling as pain to a degree.... when you said that it pains you to see me in relentless pursuit of pain.... but for me, you are right i relentlessly pursue the human condition. I relentlessly pursue to be completely absorbed in feeling ... or completely devoid of it, but the only way i know to be the latter is to be at your toes and being actively in service to you. so... in a way you were completely right, and completely off... right for your expression and experience, off for mine
those two experiences are the only time i make my mind shut off... when emotions override it ... or when you do. Where logic and thinking are pleasant for you, that tape recorder in my head the incessant thinking THAT is my pain. THAT is my discomfort.
Thank you for allowing me time to understand your meaning and insight
for me, those moments when I'm engulfed in an emotion, even if it is vicarious, those moments are when I feel supremely alive. when I feel my purpose and feel most well at ease, with the sole exception previously mentioned. ... but that kinda requires... you. "

So... for me, I do not seek to avoid that emotion. I seek to experience it, in full entirety. I take from it the lessons I can, and then I release it.

.... release it?

ok. This one is also really personal to me. When i was a kid I once went on this Christian retreat where they asked us to "lay our burdens down" ... they asked us to use this imagery of laying our hurts into the hands of Jesus and letting him take them. I tried, but it didnt help me.

One night ... it was October 11th of last year. I'll not forget the day... I was on the phone to my then Protector... and this what I'm about to tell you is the moment he became my first Master. This is WHY he was.
We had been talking through some of my past, I was really hurting over my father. I was explaining that I wanted to call him and ask him three questions. I needed three answers. If he never wanted kids, why did he and mom get pregnant 6 times? He didnt want me.. so use a fucking condom. why did he leave when mom was hurt? Why did he leave me alone with her? Why did he then send me to foster care? He didnt have to take care of me... i was fine alone... I'd been for three weeks alone, why couldn't he just let me stay in my own home... why did he send me away? Why did he never once come see me or call? I wanted these answers. I felt I needed these answers.
My Protector felt it was important for me to discuss this. to explain a specific point. i remember sitting on my tile floor, it is the dead of winter. i was in a corner, he could see me on the camera but hear me on the phone. My bare toes were pressed to my wall and my head was resting on it and i begged him not to ask me to discuss it. He pressed and I again said "please don't make me" He just said my name and I sobbed and spilled it all and I cried as hard as i usually do when discussing this aloud. It rips my very soul open, even 28 years later... As soon as I was done speaking he said the following: "Thank you. Now, you are to give it to me.... give all of that to me. it is mine to carry now. it is no longer yours to carry, it is mine. Why is that?" "Because is what you do" "that's right. it is what I do. Why is it what I do?" "Because of who you are." "Who am I?" I hesitated... a long time... He repeated "name... who am I" "you are my Master." "that is right. Now, give it to me." and i did. I can not explain further than that... it is simply that i emotionally handed that hurt away. I did with him what i could not do on my own all those years prior. i could not lay my burdens at the feet of Jesus, but i could hand them to my Master who specifically asked me to allow him to carry them. I will tell you that prior to that night, the hurt of my father was so great, so enormous that it felt like my soul was being ripped from my body every time i had to revisit it. Since that night, the quality of that pain has completely altered. I have ever felt that soul ripping pain again. Yes, it hurts, it makes me sad, but it does not engulf me any longer. It is not because I told it all, or got it into the light. i had told that part of my history many many times, to many well meaning people.

Similarly, three months ago I was speaking with my Master about hurts that had happened over the last year. specific words that had been told me repeatedly over and over until they became a new tape in my head: "you are wired differently. You would be a handful to even an experienced dominant. you are too much. I'll never understand you." etc. All of the things that reinforced the hurtful tape in my head that tells me I'm not worth someone's time and effort. I'm disposable. I had been wounded so deeply and repeatedly yet the person who did the wounding held so much sway over me that I was more worried about their emotional state than mine. He asked me to once and for all tell him absolutely everything that had hurt me, from a to z. Tell him all of the reasons that I was completely wrapped up in this pain and unable to let it go... so i did. Over the course of hours I explained it all, all of the ways I'd failed. all of the perceived or real wrongs. all of the things i blamed myself for, and felt i'd been terribly wronged in return. when i was done he had never once heard the above story... but out of his mouth came the following: "Now, you are to give it to me. This man has no more right over your emotions or your heart. you are to give every last bit of that to me. Can you do that for me name?" "yes, Master... (I was completely in shock because he and my previous Master had nothing at all in common) He continued "You are mine. all of you is mine. That includes your emotions and your past. i can fight the world for and with you. I will move mountains to help and protect you, but i can not and will not fight this any longer. It is mine."
I had one brief slip up where I took back those hurts in a moment of anger (not at him), but after that was dealt with, i have put those emotions and memories back squarely where they belong, at my Master's feet.

I am not saying that we get to make our PYL our "emotional garbage bag" as someone once told me. No. you will notice that these two situations my Master ASKED me to hand to him. He chose that these were things he wanted to hold for me. This is one way, one very real and tangible way that D/s helps me. I'm not alone to carry these weights any longer. When there is something that is just too big for me to carry, those are the things that my Master steps in and says "I can carry that for you. That is what I do. That is who I am.

To Grumps: thank you for carrying that weight for me. I will always be grateful.


I hope that this has been at all useful, Sally. If i can help you in any way, if you would allow me to be your friend, I'm here. i would like to be.

My high school sweetheart's favorite song was Lean on Me I never got it really back then... but it is very special now.



@soulfulfriend I'm sorry!!! Reply will be incoming. You know i appreciate and adore you, but i know you know too why this reply had to take precedence!

~Faithfully His,
Angie

littlebirdjoy, thank you for such a thoughtful and heartfelt response. It cannot be easy to share personal experiences like that, but I greatly appreciate the way you have explained everything. First, I am touched that you think of me at all! That made me smile. Friends are always a pleasure, and I would love to consider you one of mine.

You have given me a great deal to consider. I don't have a thoroughly thought out answer to give you now in response to your post, but know that I am thinking deeply about it. Being able to pass your pain for someone else to carry must be an incredible weight lifted from you. I think my biggest step would be learning to truly release that pain and suffering and allow someone else to hold on to it (when there is someone to give it to). Right now, I have to figure out how to let go on my own so I don't drown in it. I know it is not an easy fix, but the benefits are worth it. It is incredibly hard for me to let go because I am in control of so much in my life.

Thank you for giving me much to consider.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

littlebirdjoy, thank you for such a thoughtful and heartfelt response. It cannot be easy to share personal experiences like that, but I greatly appreciate the way you have explained everything. First, I am touched that you think of me at all! That made me smile. Friends are always a pleasure, and I would love to consider you one of mine.

You have given me a great deal to consider. I don't have a thoroughly thought out answer to give you now in response to your post, but know that I am thinking deeply about it. Being able to pass your pain for someone else to carry must be an incredible weight lifted from you. I think my biggest step would be learning to truly release that pain and suffering and allow someone else to hold on to it (when there is someone to give it to). Right now, I have to figure out how to let go on my own so I don't drown in it. I know it is not an easy fix, but the benefits are worth it. It is incredibly hard for me to let go because I am in control of so much in my life.

Thank you for giving me much to consider.

Good morning, Sally ♡
I'm glad it gives food for thought. For me, whatever life has brought negative should be used for a greater good. Then it is not wasted. I would hope you wouldn't have an answer of any kind immediately. If you did, it wasnt as profound as I felt lol.
You are exactly right, and that is what I personally never learned to do. It is probably the greatest real thing my Dominant does for me, but not all do or want to. It is not something I've ever asked, and I dont think it would work of I did. I think the key for me is that in both circumstances the Person wanted to own that hurt. Asked me to give it to them in such a profound and real way that my brain could accept that it was something he truly wanted, not to please me, but on his own accord.

Last night was big and important and disappointing too. We hoped that we had found the perfect forever home for our family. All of us were excited, but it wasnt meant to be right now. I'm doing MUCH better with disappointment than I have been... with uncertainty. I think that is-because I'm less relying on the details to be certain, and starting to believe that he does know EXACTLY what he has gotten himself into with me, and really truly wants it. I'm starting to believe he wont pull the rug out from under me. That should be scary, but it isnt. He knows just when to pick me up and put me in his coat pocket. ^__^, or wrap me up in his arms with one hand round my neck and the other round my middle and remind me that he does not let go.

~ Faithfully,
Angie is procrastinating at work lol.

 

[soulfulfriend]

When I say "To de-personalize a perceived mistake\hurt." I like to think intent is not always so clear in relationships. Hurt feelings are often a result of an expectation not being met. But what if something happens as a result of circumstance and not malicious intent. Should we not give them a chance? I'd rather say try to talk it out, let them know how the experience made you feel so they can clarify. Just seems to be human nature to fill in the blanks because of impatience. Which can be kind of a negative approach. Seems your example already covers this point. And personally I have made this mistake too. Just seems the closer you are to someone the higher potential this will occur.

I do believe we can change, if we accept responsibility for our actions and work out a strategy. So perhaps this is where we need to own what we do. I think the people in our lives can also be supportive in change.

I do sometimes think about the differences between faith and innocence. Reading through your response it feels like you have experienced both. We look for what we know and want in others, and we hope the elusive qualities will materialize. So this is more the faith while we wait and continue to learn. When we accept something which is true to us, then perhaps this is where innocence is lost. It can be confusing because what we accept is not always a universal truth, but true based on personal experience.

Perhaps D/S is a demonstration of giving our faith and trust in someone. Its beautiful and a deep honor to be worthy of that surrender. Atleast for me there is an irresistible closeness. It is seductive to be needed. As a caregiver I know this all to well. So far in my experience there is always a honeymoon stage, then you question what you really want. In my case I do expect growth. Just as people we do change with our experiences.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

@ soulfulfriend I'm about 10 min from my desk and I'm sitting here with the BIGGEST smile. YES. I am itching to reply!

Additionally I've had two concepts on my mind yesterday and today. #1 I dont know why, but I think someone needs to read about letting go; the time a Gorean Master I'd never before spoken to fixed me where NO ONE else could.

Secondly; how very little I understand about the mentality of a PYL/CG towards responsibility and difficulty... perceived worth.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

When I say "To de-personalize a perceived mistake\hurt." I like to think intent is not always so clear in relationships. Hurt feelings are often a result of an expectation not being met. But what if something happens as a result of circumstance and not malicious intent. Should we not give them a chance? I'd rather say try to talk it out, let them know how the experience made you feel so they can clarify. Just seems to be human nature to fill in the blanks because of impatience. Which can be kind of a negative approach. Seems your example already covers this point. And personally I have made this mistake too. Just seems the closer you are to someone the higher potential this will occur.

I do believe we can change, if we accept responsibility for our actions and work out a strategy. So perhaps this is where we need to own what we do. I think the people in our lives can also be supportive in change.

I do sometimes think about the differences between faith and innocence. Reading through your response it feels like you have experienced both. We look for what we know and want in others, and we hope the elusive qualities will materialize. So this is more the faith while we wait and continue to learn. When we accept something which is true to us, then perhaps this is where innocence is lost. It can be confusing because what we accept is not always a universal truth, but true based on personal experience.

Perhaps D/S is a demonstration of giving our faith and trust in someone. Its beautiful and a deep honor to be worthy of that surrender. Atleast for me there is an irresistible closeness. It is seductive to be needed. As a caregiver I know this all to well. So far in my experience there is always a honeymoon stage, then you question what you really want. In my case I do expect growth. Just as people we do change with our experiences.

Good morning sweet man!

I loved this post so very much! Thank you!

I like to think intent is not always so clear in relationships. Hurt feelings are often a result of an expectation not being met. But what if something happens as a result of circumstance and not malicious intent. Should we not give them a chance? Absolutely. Resoundingly yes. For me, a mix of unfulfilled or unreasonable expectations, misconstrued intent, or past baggage. That is the root of every single disagreement I ever have in a relationship. I'm working on the last one. The first is why I need a D/s relationship in the first place. It is also why I like the idea of a contract in my relationship. The second (intent) is a hard need in a relationship. I CAN NOT be with someone who does not understand the concept of judging by intent. It makes my life absolutely miserable. Yes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but at the same time there is a giant gaping distance between thoughtlessness, malice, and things that just went sideways.

Just seems the closer you are to someone the higher potential this will occur. ~snip~ Perhaps D/S is a demonstration of giving our faith and trust in someone.
This made me seat dance in the car! One of the most powerful concepts that I was drawn to last year was a banner I saw on a submissive's blog it read along these lines:
"True Submission is the knowledge that he absolutely could break you, but trusting that he will not." This is the line i personally crave to walk. Where he knows exactly how to move me with just a word, a look, a touch. He knows every part of me; mind, body, and soul so well that he knows exactly what to do with me to put me exactly where he wants me... and that means being vulnerable enough that yes... he could do tremendous damage if he chose. Then taking my hands off... and watching him use it but showing me repeatedly that he will not abuse my trust. This is a concept that my Master and I both i repeat BOTH deeply believe in. In giving him that.. all of that... he gives me the same. As much as he can move me, I absolutely can move him as well... and it is that deep intimacy that we both desire. He readily acknowledges that if things continue where we hope they will take us, it is an interdependence. it is not soley me that is dependent upon him, but he will be quite dependent upon me as well. I think this is part of the trust cycle of D/s that people gloss over regularly.

***soul bareing admission and confession here***
We talk so often about how the Dom must earn the submissive's trust. We talk about the damage he can do her (sorry I'm used to maledom/femalesub but feel free to edit genders to suit yourself) ... but we rarely openly discuss more than giving a cursory nod to the trust that he places in her to not abuse his care. The damage that can be done to him. IM GUILTY of that. I'm absolutely guilty of that. I rarely spend time dwelling on it, because it is not something i can retroactively repair, so dwelling on it does no good. I can only learn from my mistakes and move forward hoping to not repeat my mistakes. <I need to come back to this concept a different day as it is pulling me out of the headspace I'm supposed to remain in today.>

So...

It can be confusing because what we accept is not always a universal truth, but true based on personal experience.Absolutely. ToK is a fantastically fun subject. My lifelong goal is to end up teaching at an IB school and end up teaching a ToK class.

When we accept something which is true to us, then perhaps this is where innocence is lost.Can You elaborate here? I'm really interested to see the connection you see. Do you mean innocence in general as in no longer a blank slate... having preconceived ideas and beliefs; or innocence as I defined it ^up there?


`*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Letting Go; or The Time a Gorean Master Fixed Me Where NO ONE Else Could​

I'm not sure who needs this, but I have been milling around this memory all evening, and that is usually when someone around me needs to hear it. A year ago I was in a horrible situation mostly of my own doing. the specifics are not important to the story. The only important thing is that I had been carried around like a Yo-yo for 4 months... and I was in a terribly fragile emotional state. I didn't know which side was up and which was down. I was the worst version of myself. I had been taken so deeply to my knees that my #1 thought was this: It may be easy to remove a collar from around your neck, but how do you remove it from your soul? How do you stand back up when you have completely forgotten how? My anguish was the most tangible thing in my life. It was a more real companion than even my flesh and blood. I had had the rug ripped out from under me one too many times with zero warning, and at that time it came when I absolutely did not expect it. I posted that same question openly on the forum i was on. "It may take only a second for a Master to remove a collar from a slave's neck, and walk away... but how do you remove the collar from your own soul?
A few hours later I had a message in my inbox from a Man I had seen around on occasion, but had no occasion to speak to. i had no opinion of him whatsoever, no affinity. I wish I still had the message in entirety, but the concept will never leave me.
After reminding me of my identity as self identified slave, he asked me if I sincerely presumed to know better than this "Master" I was pining for? If I did, then I was no slave and he no Master, as I had lost all respect for him. If i did then i owed it to him to act as he expected... with obedience.
The next imagery is one that may be lost on 95% of the readership here... but he told me that I had been sent to the blocks. It was a fact. It was done. I had only two choices: I could go kicking and screaming and crying and disappoint my Master... shame him and myself... or i could stand back up and walk, show in this last act that I would obey him, even in this, the hardest thing he ever asked of me.
I remember putting my computer down... laying down on my side, closing my eyes until the dizziness passed at the enormity of what he said. That was the very last time I cried over that man. That was the moment I was able to shut the door, remove the collar from my neck, and begin to walk again.

Numerous people in the 3 months prior: friends, lovers, family, people I HIGHLY respected and had even knelt to had tried to fix that crack in my heart. No one could. No one knew the words to say to me. I replied only two sentences to that Master, they are mine to know. We never spoke again, and never will, and that is part of the enormity of it.

I think I'm telling this for two reasons: for the pyls around reading who may understand the pain I'm speaking of, and who also do not know how to take the collar off their own heart, mind, and soul after it has been determined for them.

Also for the Dominants of every stripe. You have it within your ability to really and truly positively affect those around you. It certainly depends upon how you chose to use your abilities. the skills you decide to hone, and the wisdom with which you wield them. I hope that You, whoever you are, end up being THAT MAN for someone in need... because I know what it is to have been on the receiving end.

Thank you LG.

Thank you to every single person who helped me, in great and small ways to get to where I am.

So... that is all I'm allowed to intellectualize today. My Master spent time this morning getting me into a very specific headspace where I'm to remain today, and I'm incredibly grateful.

Faithfully His,
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I'm hitting the energy wall of the diet I'm on pretty hard, additionally something really terrible happened at work today. It didn't happen *to me* but it affects me pretty hard.

To wit;
I was really forced to face and work on an issue that my Master has been dealing with me on recently... I've mentioned it a time or two here already, but this seems to be the area of growth life keeps shoving in my face right now.

Moral agency...
This is a concept that I had never encountered much less considered as part of my service to my Master, until I handed me the proposed contract which, in part, reads: "Since the slave loses his status as a moral agent once the contract is enacted, the slave cannot act to enforce anything owed to him by his master which makes choosing a master wisely a most important decision. There is but a fine line separating a benevolent leader from a ruthless tyrant and this distinction is sometimes impossible to make at first glance."

While the second part was very easy to agree with, the first was ... a major area of contention in my own heart and mind. It is one of four things I highlighted in yellow for major discussion (for anyone keeping score at home only one got highlighted in red.) This was one I wanted to rebel against immediately. However, I kept my tongue to myself and we did a lot of talking around the point. It should be noted that the contract STILL has yet to be finalized or signed for many reasons. My inability to nod and say "I can do this" to this exact part is part of that.

It is not a product of any doubt that I harbor about my Master, or his own moral compass. i have no doubt whether he is "a benevolent leaver, or a ruthless tyrant." When he has to step in and prevent me from doing something I want to do, his logic is always explained and sound. When he asks me to do something that is hard for me, it is always for my or our best interest, it is never purely selfish or egocentric.

It has entirely to do with my own ability to override my own emotional reactions and responses to situations outside of us and our relationship which i allow to impede or affect the relationship. I believe I've written about the very first time that I was tangibly empirically made aware of how this happens. It was the second day that I had been wearing a plug for my Master (the first was AWESOME)... but late in the day that first day my ex Sir/best friend came to visit me and through the course of the evening he wanted to know more about my Master... so we were discussing things, including him looking over some things my Master had written. While he was mostly supportive, he did have some comments over specific points that set me on edge. The next morning when I went to wear my plug I could NOT for the life of me get it in. Like.... there was no fucking way. I remember struggling for a solid HOUR until I was in tears because I didnt know what to do. He woke up and i explained and I felt completely defeated. He immediately asked me to tell him what had gone on the previous night, and I did. He told me to calm down and think. Think about yesterday vs today. Yesterday it was super easy and it was a great experience. Today it was incredibly hard and it wasnt ok. What was the difference? He told me to go for a walk... go through everything my ex Sir and I had discussed in my mind. Walk until I was at peace, and I would know when that was. Then come home and try it again, and i would find that it would be fine. Then tell him when it was, and what I understood.
It was exactly as he had said. My physical reaction to my emotional state, whether I was consciously aware of my "uptightness" or not. So that became one way for me to monitor how outside influences affected my emotional state which had a direct or indirect effect on our relationship. If he owns me, heart mind and body, that means my emotions arent mine to allow to be toyed with this way.

A couple weeks back I went silent for a day and i made vague reference to having had a bit of a disagreement with my Master... I disappointed him. I broke a rule. i never break rules. I thought that the reason I broke it was cause enough to be "okay" and I thought that the way in which I broke it mitigated the concern which was the reason for the rule in the first place. I fucked up. I thought wrong. He was absolutely insanely wise and kind and merciful when dealing with it, and I was WAY harder on myself than he was on me. As a result though we again discussed the concept that I'm not my own to take chances with. The reason for the rule is sound and still stands. If something were to happen to me it would negatively impact him in a huge way. He needs to be able to trust me and know that what he says will go. So once again... my own moral agency, no matter the logic behind why i broke the rule (I was concerned that an innocent person was getting lied to and was going to be hurt in the way I had been. I felt it was important to at least wave the flag at her to say YOU NEED TO ASK QUESTIONS! and then what she does with that is her business. I felt it was necessary for me to do this. He in no uncertain terms informed me that it was not necessary. It may be what I'd prefer... but it was not necessary. Said person is a grown ass adult and capable of using her own two eyes and logic. If she gets the wool pulled over her eyes, that is on her, not on me. If I, however, attract the attention of crazy stalkerman and get hurt because of it... that is not acceptable.

So today, once again, i was tempted to take my own moral agency into my hands. A situation came up at work and I had a very very difficult time keeping myself in the headspace that my Master needed me in. I wanted to shelve that and say "sorry, but today is too hard." No. today isnt too hard. Where is my priority? will it harm my health to stay where Master needs me? no. Will it harm my child? no. Will it harm my work? no..... and reacting surely might. So I went locked myself in a bathroom stall and did as he has taught me to put myself right back where he wanted me. I noted all of that to him.

when we spoke he said something incredibly important to me:
he asked what happened, and I asked if he really wanted to know? He said yes, because he trusted and believed I could control my reactions. (I was grateful) after telling him the whole story he told me:
"Do you see why now you need someone to control your moral agency?" "Why Master?" "Because you have too highly a developed moral code. You have the biggest heart, and a very quick brain and tongue... yet you rarely stop to consider the consequences to yourself. If left to your own devices, you would run off and save the world if you could. Look where you are now even! If it were left up to you, you would have marched down to the office and done something drastic... would you not?" "Yes Master, how did you know that?" "Because I know you. I know you. To those ends, this is not your battle. This has so many sides to it, and while you could well effect some change here, it is not your situation to change. It will absolutely tarnish your reputation and your standing in the immediate and long term future. you will not do that. Is that understood? you will not get involved in this one." "Yes, Master. May I at least go see her tomorrow?" "You absolutely may. you may listen. You may let her vent. You may console her, but you will not get into the line of fire. Do you see now that you do need to be protected a bit? That part of you that would march right into battle without a single thought to the consequences to yourself, you wont look after you, that is my job now."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElGDheUxI2E
​

<3 Thank you for protecting me, even from myself, my Lord.
"I am your servant. I shall not be free. You will protect me; you will keep me safe; you will guard me. You will keep me sound; you will protect me from every demon."

~Faithfully His,
Angie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3bPqBW9MOU&list=PLoB522zHE5rihcFjQgTXxE7m7a6M9DMNC&index=7

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVtzDBgF84E

 

[littlebirdjoy]

apropos follow up:

Good grief when God/the Universe wants you to "grok" a lesson it WILL beat you over the head with it! Boy howdy!

So.... tonight I had an important thing to do, task is completely the inappropriate word, as is assignment, both imply work neither is positive connotation closer to privilege. Not halfway into it I got a message pop up in front of my face on hangouts and just from the 5 words that I had no way to avoid reading, it was clear said ex Sir was in DIRE straights and really in a terrible place. Really awful. I had an immediate choice to make: continue doing what I was and be the girl my Master needs and wants, or not. I could have paused what I was doing, stood up, dealt with the ex thing, and the come back and resume as if nothing happened, or just delete what I'd done and start over as if nothing happened. I did neither. It did not even take consideration. I did not delete the window, I did not move from what I was doing. I just put it mentally aside and carried on until things were completed entirely and to the best of my ability without rushing or leaving anything out. Only then did I stop to open the entire window and confirm what I thought was correct (which it was) and deal with it in a way I'm allowed.

I've put it away again, not to let it alter my emotions or the space we are in tonight.

I'm proud of me. Now, Universe/God/ what have you... can you please stop throwing tests at me along these lines? It would be much appreciated. *Uncle!*

~Faithfully his,
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Not about D/s at all... but ...

When I was in my first year teaching a man came to talk to us at professional development. I never can remember his name, but I clung to one of his concepts. He talked about cycles in a teacher's career. He talked about stages. Stages I've come to live. He talked about drowning and swimming and when you KNOW you have made it. When you stopped talking and started teaching. He said it happens when your kids COME BACK to find you. This happened years ago for me. My kids do come back... but that always felt good and hollow. It felt like in retrospect they GOT it/ GOT me. ... this year and this morning something new has been happening. I'm in the car with tears of gratitude for the position I GET to play in these kids' lives. I'm honored. I'm humbled. I'm proud.
My kids have begun shushing the talkers because they WANT the class. That was huge. More than that, one of my newest and weakest students just sent me this: at 11pm. Not related to an assignment. Just on her free time. " Mrs. A I found this video and I think it is related to what we have been talking about in class about honoring yourself and your emotions. I hope you find it useful. Thank you for all you do for us. I love you. * name*

https://youtu.be/FonBwwDBxN4

I'm sitting here just awestruck with the enormity of that.

She isnt a teacher's pet. She has nothing to gain. It was simply she was using her FREEtime to exist and think about the concept ... found something IN ENGLISH that spoke to her.... and then reached out to me.

# gratitude.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Only in my world would the words "you're learning" be just about as fulfilling and satisfying to hear as "good girl" and "you are Mine".

So, apparently I'm making some progress on some big concepts and my Master felt part of what I said last night was enough to warrant an impromptu "you're learning. Look at that." *smile*

What am I learning?

How and when to feel safe expressing an opinion that differs from his. This is rocky terrain for me. Not that I dont have opinions (i know sarcastic YOU DONT SAY! *eyeroll*) but I have a hard time judging when and how to say them and when to just hush... or i will allow my passion to override decorum.

I think in person it will be easier. If it is just the two of us then i have blanket permission to speak freely unless I'm told otherwise. If we are in front of others who are vanilla I will ask to join the conversation once, and once that is granted the permission continues. If we are among like minded folks then he will invite me to join the conversation if he feels it is warranted. All of < that makes me feel very comfortable. I already know how I'd get his attention to ask to join a conversation. The times it trips me up is when I have a strong opinion about something and we disagree and then I get passionate about my side. i suck at not interrupting. :/ but apparently I'm getting better... so... YAY ME!

^__^

My head is a bit fuzzy today and I dont have anything really deep to share. I'm on emotional overload from my best friend last night... then I had really good calm time with Daddy this morning and I've been in a happy haze all day. He knows I'm in the back of my mind struggling with irrational fear of exam time. Last year at this time I got some "horrific news" about someone I loved very much. It ended up being a whole giant fake mindfuck, but it sure messed me up. Then 4th quarter I got other awful news from the same person... still BS, but I didnt know it and the fear is real. Then last quarter while I was grading papers i got the call that my dad died out of nowhere... so now I'm just flat out scared of sitting in the library grading papers. I'm scared of what is going to happen this time. Half of me wants to shut off my phone until Thursday, but that is just silly. I'm hoping that bad news doesnt come in threes in this case... as last Wednesday my best friend was fired... today the boss who fired her found out her cancer is back... so... anxious. very anxious.

Instead of ending on that note I'll end on one of gratitude. Today I'm grateful that I belong to someone who worries about me and my health. I'm grateful that he is actively involved in my life, in every aspect of my life. Earlier in the day when I told him about "my boss whose cancer is back" he said "which one X or Y" I was stunned and it took me a minute to say X... but I didnt expect you to remember their names. "Honey, I care about you. I care about your life." "Yeah, but I'm just not used to someone actually bothering to learn about their names." "Have you told me more than three times? Then i should remember it. If someone doesnt remember something you make a point to tell them repeatedly then they flat out dont give a shit. you are a teacher, you know this." "Well yes... but I'm just not used to it. No one has ever actually cared enough to learn their names before." "That's because they didn't really love you honey. I'm sorry, it sucks, it hurts, but it is true. If they really cared about you as a person, you and your life they would have bothered to listen and internalize. They were only interested in what you did for them. That is over now."
I'm grateful for actually being not only part of someone's life, but they want to be a part of mine enough to actually truly care.

~Faithfully His,
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Just when I thought I had nothing to say... i open a thread I'm still working my way through and BAM.. there it is.

I used to use the expression "It's a God thing" to describe this moment of serendipity when something just hammers home a point. Two days ago i posted this "Just seems the closer you are to someone the higher potential this will occur. ~snip~ Perhaps D/S is a demonstration of giving our faith and trust in someone.
This made me seat dance in the car! One of the most powerful concepts that I was drawn to last year was a banner I saw on a submissive's blog it read along these lines:
"True Submission is the knowledge that he absolutely could break you, but trusting that he will not." This is the line i personally crave to walk. Where he knows exactly how to move me with just a word, a look, a touch. He knows every part of me; mind, body, and soul so well that he knows exactly what to do with me to put me exactly where he wants me... and that means being vulnerable enough that yes... he could do tremendous damage if he chose. Then taking my hands off... and watching him use it but showing me repeatedly that he will not abuse my trust. This is a concept that my Master and I both i repeat BOTH deeply believe in...."

I had begun reading back through an old thread which has fantastically deep concepts. i had stopped on page 2 and the very next post that i had yet to read was by a user I miss so much every single day, Bibunny.
https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=29230620&postcount=30
excerpted:
"One mark of a slave is the vulnerability and the soul-deep need to make him happy. It's knowing your heart and quite possibly your life are in his hands. It's the utter lack of self-preservation you feel in his presence. It's knowing that if he handed you a knife and told you to slit your own throat, you'd do it, all the while praying you were dying to his satisfaction and leaving your windpipe intact when you sliced, so you could apologize for bleeding on the carpet.

Another mark of a slave is knowing him so well and trusting him so deeply that while you know he realizes this about you, you also know he would never ask."

It comes on the heels of Eastern_sun's absolutely perfect description of a moment when you look around in awe, gratitude and wantonness at your situation and realize you would never ever want anything else.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Howdy hey hi!
It's been a while, no? Sorry life gets complicated at exam time. Atop that big goings on with my D/s family. Auntie made a grand but brief reappearance. My "big sister" has a lot of life changes going on. atop it all I finally was introduced to my Master's ex, his longest most meaningful relationship whom he is still very close to. That was nerve wracking indeed, but it went very well, and I hope she will come back with questions etc.

So a few days ago i received a lovely message from a daddy on here who wants to be friends. it made me smile. I used a term in asking about his girl that he was unfamilar with, so I figured I'd go ahead and repost an oldie but goodie from elsewhere.

This is darn near a year old and should provide some interesting insight to my growth as it needs to be redone. After exams are all done i will redo it and make it more current. Until then:

Middle + Little = Mittle​

disclaimer: this post and my blog do NOT contain age play. That is a perfectly fine thing to do, it just isn't what I myself am about.

This post is a departure from my philosophical deep side. We all have various sides to our personality. Here is another side to mine.
So, I've hinted a few times here and there that when my ex Master and I met, we had a bit of a different dynamic. I was still reworking myself out after having buried my submissive self for a number of years. I was a different woman and in a different phase of life then when I'd started out 13 years prior.
We all have stories of where we came from and how we got here. Some of our stories are more interesting, more drama filled, some are more "yeah we all saw THAT coming." Mine was definitely not one of those. Growing up without any identifying details I was: the daughter of a preacher and a church secretary, A+ student, goody two shoes, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, National Honor Society, Mu Alpha Theta, Mathletes, Brain Bowl, International Baccalaureate Program, Alpha Chi Omega sorority, glee club before Glee was cool, etc. I was literally a Sunday School teacher. I helped out in the nursery.
So this life path is definitely NOT one everyone saw coming.
I started down this path, like I do everything, headfirst both feet in. I think it helped that as soon as I started reading it felt like I finally made sense. Like some of those parts of my personality that were just inherently ME but that the majority of society viewed in not the best light were finally completely logical. I had found my tribe. At 21 that is where I stopped. Once I found what fit, why fix what isn't broken. That was my submissive self. There were certainly parts of me that still stuck out like a sore thumb... but hey, I'm quirky!
Fast forward some years and I d come back around to try to find myself again and I start where I was last comfortable... my submissive self. I was on a different site and I was back poking around where I'd been before I lost my way. I began reading around again, and doing a lot of listening. I was hovering around two ideas that I really didn't know how I felt about: emotional masochism and DDlg. This post will address the latter.
I read through all of the posts of these littles and while parts spoke to me, the mentality spoke to me, the concept that no part of me had ANY desire to act like a child just threw me off. I mean... I don't care what I call my Dom... want me to shout Sir, or Master, or Daddy, or Heil Fluffernuggin when I cum *totally cool*, but it doesn't DO anything for a while. Did what I do and learned other things. Then I was depressed one day and threw on a CD from when I was in High School and immediately my mood changed. My whole life outlook was reset back to what it was back then. At least while the song was on. Hmm. Back to those posts I went. Read again. I mean I WAS... but I WASN'T. I walked away again. I posted some fishing questions trying to see if i made sense to any of them. They were sweet, but no one can answer it but yourself.
Enter my previous Master. The story is ours, but how we met was VERY MUCH a stress fueled regressive moment. I certainly didn't identify it as such at the time... it was how I play. I can't tell his story, but he certainly wasn't looking for a little, middle, mittle at the time. I kinda knocked down his castle. Sorry, not sorry. I dragged his butt to the thread and because of how we met, he just kinda went with the assumption this is what I was. I kinda went with it too... thinking it was what he wanted. That whole communication thing. Fail. To be fair, I did want to kind of use it as a litmus test for myself. So I do what I always do... threw myself in head and both feet first *cannonballlllll!!!* ^__^
He was a good man charlie brown and took me at face value. He was so supportive, but what I didn't communicate, he couldn't know. So I did a lot of introspection, and the more I looked the more sense I made and the less sense I made too. If I looked at my personality as a whole ... yeah... I dont pass as a grownup all too well. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm a VERY responsible young lady. I run my department at work. I manage others. I run my house. But I also don't have that decorum... that mask that people have. I'm emotional. I'm exuberant. I'm unapologetically me. I don't give a shit who sees that I prefer to sit cross legged on the floor. (True story... my best friend for my whole life knew that because of how I am he would find me an hour before a college class plunked down cross legged outside the class door headphones on mouthing and seat dancing to Hillary Duff or Backstreet Boys and coloring or writing. ... like in the middle of the hall. It's what I do. He always knew where to find me though! And had no qualms plopping his emo black leather trench coat wearing long haired self down next to me and trying to convince me Marilyn Manson was not the devil. ) That was college.... but the thing is... 15 years later... I'm the SAME. I do that in airports and right now. It's just who I am. I will carry on a conversation with someone in a line i just met and by the end of the conversation we will have swapped recipes and phone numbers. My openness is a blessing and a curse. Because I don't have that thing that adults get when they go through life and get more and more jaded... I don't have that THING whatever that thing is.

Same friend explained to me last year that that is innocence. That innocence isn't lack of knowledge. It isn't being unaware of the world. Innocence is the quality that knowing it does not change who you are and how you face the world. I insist to maintain the concept that things are, should be, and can be bright, safe, happy, calm, exciting, etc. That is innocence. He said it took him a long time to come to grips with the fact that I shouldn't be judged for my innocence. That it wasn't a failing. He never doubted my intellect, it isn't stupidity or ignorance... it is a strength.
So by that point I had definitely labeled myself *something*. The more I looked at myself and my life the more pieces fell into place. My then Master had thought to send me a Christmas gift and the mental thought of actually opening a gift was kinda giddying. It wasn't about the THING it was about the *surprise*.
Life went on and I guess things kinda took a downturn. I had been becoming more and comfortable with the identity as "little thing" and he was apparently becoming less convinced as I didn't... DO little things. So we hit this day where we came to emotional blows over if I was or wasn't. HE did NOT mean it as a challenge, but in my own insecurity I took it as one. So I went looking to *prove* it (though he was right, so much just did not fit) when I came across the following:
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/7d/39/3e/7d393e62020575ac9fc448182fdb29b4.jpg

Then I sat back and expected him to SEE what I saw. I mean, for me, I finally had a name that fit. I was a Middle. c'mon how was that not 100% descriptive. My nickname was SASSY FFS... given by HIM. Well, suffice to say, we didn't really talk about it much. It drove a wedge mentally and emotionally.
I went about my life and within two weeks a student of mine whom I've known since she was 6 (she is now 16) she is no longer MY student, but rather a friend hugged me and said you know it helps that you are not an adult. You are 16. I got wide eyed looked at her hugged the stuffing out of her and said IKR?? She certainly had no idea how much what she said had hit me. The thing is, when I originally was looking that was one of the things that keep sticking in my head. How I behave around *my people* when I get around her and a few other girls that age forget adulting. That is ALWAYS how I've been, it has nothing to do with HER (I adore her though), it has everything to do with the fact that that is my comfort zone. that is where my behavior makes sense and I can just let my hair down. I don't need to pretend to be ... calm... quiet... respectable... whatever. We can LAUGH and talk and talk fast and sing, and be excitable and hyper and FUN. God I miss fun.
So the forever stumbling block for me mentally was that I dont DO "space". It's not a play thing. If I am listening to my music and chilling or coloring, or arting, or sitting on the floor or eating with my demitasse spoon (because i'm small dammit) it does not put me in any HEADSPACE that I identify as altered. Sometimes if he gets me talking about a topic yeah... I'll hit my groove and just GO... but I don;t think he has ever really been on the phone with me or on cam to *know*.
The last mental block I had was that I don't do headspace. I just don't. ... I kept thinking... but I do. I mean I have these moments with my friends ... how do I get there? I LOVE that me. I NEED that me! More than that, I wanted him to have that me. so I went back through all those times I'd been there... Going someplace exciting (I cant sleep before
Disney and I cry. Literally. I cry from happy.) games... play a GAME with me, but be forewarned I'm competitive and I talk shit!
So why is this written? Because I've run across a few threads that made me a bit sad. I think there are definitely some girls or boys out there who are where I was... "Am I or aren't I? But I do, but I don't..." I haven't seen ANYTHING on here geared towards Middles, much less Mittles. So hi! I'm Angie/Faith. I'm a Middle, mittle and a slave hearted submissive. You can be a lot of things at once. That's ok. <3

~Faithfully His,
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Discovering Sexuality​

Deep breath *faith* ... ok. This is a part of myself that I have NEVER shared openly. I've rarely even discussed it openly with the dominants in my life over the years, because it just hasn't been something they needed or wanted to understand. I believe that it is a part of our community discussion that has been lacking. I've certainly seen the inverse discussed and accepted though.

I beat around the bush when I'm nervous. I'm very nervous.

Hi. My name is Angie/Faith. Y'all have seen me around, seen me post. By now you should know: I'm kind, I'm slightly hyper, I'm really friendly, I'm introverted but accepting, I'm knowledgeable, I'm helpful, I'm honest, I'm a mom, I'm a woman of faith, I'm a mittle (Middle + Little= mittle) and a slave hearted submissive.... but I'm also asexual.

I just watched some people's brains melt or explode if they ever bothered to go find my previous blog hosted elsewhere in which I openly detailed the playtime with my previous Master (at His request). Well... it's true. I'm asexual and have identified as such for the better part of the last decade.

I see the wheels turning in some people's heads: "can someone BE kinky as fuck and be asexual??? How does that even work? But don't asexuals hate sex? How can you be a submissive and be asexual? WHAT THE HELL?" ^__^

Okay okay... let's start at the beginning. What IS an asexual actually? It is a spectrum like so many other things in life. A straight out asexual in the strictest terms is someone who does not experience sexual attraction.
This means I have never looked at another human being and had the thought "OMG HE IS HOT!" or "Wow! I'd like to *insert X sexual activity here* with him."

http://zmniejszacz.pl/zdjecie/325/3534395_ASEXUALITY-INFOGRAPHIC.png

I can not begin to describe to you what being a teenager was like for me! I should state that I'm also a rape survivor so sexuality was complicated for me. I was around all these girls who were going on and on about how whichever boy was HOT and attractive etc and i just... It was like I was blind and they were describing color... I couldn't understand. I was looking at the same thing... but all I saw was grey. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Guys! I love sex! (more brains just imploded. wait. I'll get there.) but I just ... I don't work like most of you do.

So I said it is a spectrum right?
Some people are asexual to the extent that the mere thought of someone touching them or having sex is damn near torture and illness inducing, sickening. On the other end of the spectrum where you are TOTALLY CHILL with having sex with your partner and even love sex with them. asexual has nothing to do with inability to feel or experience sexual pleasure. I even have moments when I WANT sex.

https://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/2013_05_SexualRomanticSpectrumWIDE.png

I fall in a place in the spectrum called grey asexual romantic sensualist. Let me break it down:
grey = I can enjoy sex
asexual = I don't experience sexual attraction
romantic= I like and want relationships.
sensualist = I need and crave touching in the form of hugging, kissing, cuddling

In this lifestyle, we have probably all seen and understood the fetish of enforced chastity. We do understand the submissive mindset of the allure of controlled orgasms whether the Dominant wishes to force the submissive through orgasm after orgasm ... or denial, the Dominant who wishes the submissive to abstain from personal physical release whether the Dominant is given the pleasure of their own orgasm or not. We understand that submitting the sexual pleasure and release of the submissive into the control of the Dominant is an act of devotion. However, the understood is usually that the submissive WANTS or NEEDS that release.

Well, I'm here to explain that there is a flip side to that coin. As an asexual I ALSO submit my sexuality and my release to my Dominant partner... but the baseline assumption is different. The submission and surrender is no less, just different.

I'm still a submissive... heck I believe this actually AIDS in my submission... it is a huge part of who I am as a sexual being. I kinda dont do vanilla sex for this reason. The ONLY way I feel sexual desire and sexual need is when it is my Partner's desire that I'm focused on. Can I get turned on? WILDLY!!! But I get turned on knowing that that person wants me to provide them that. That they want me and desire me and need me. It is the Dominance of my partner and the relationship ... the submission ***itself*** that turns me on! Does that mean that I'm in love with the control? Does that mean that my Partner is ... ancillary? HELLS TO THE NO! (but you bet I had to test that theory!)
It's all wrapped up in a complicated bundle, the specific intricacies of it belong between the person I give myself to and me. Suffice to say, I'm more specific in who I submit to and it takes me a loooonnnngggggg time to give that part of myself, because once I do they have an all access pass.


Why was it important for me to talk about it here?
I think that it is a completely logical thing for people who aren't familiar to never think about, or make incorrect assumptions about. it took a friend of mine coming out as asexual to me, then me asking questions of her to have the light bulb go on for me and FINALLY find a way to explain and understand myself. I never know if this post might do that for someone else!
For me, in high school I was a bit of a cock tease. I didn't mean to be... I was trying to figure me out! all these girls were talking about attraction... and I couldn't FEEL it! I felt ROMANTIC attraction (often confused for sexual attraction at that age) I felt SENSUAL need and desire, I felt the pull of my own libido! (yes, asexuals can absolutely have libido or they may not... both are on the spectrum!) ... but I never felt ATTRACTION! I kept hearing people talk about this mystical magical **spark!** about "chemistry" about "fireworks" and because I never felt any of these things I thought that my relationships were or must be lacking! I mean they were fulfilling to ME... but in my youth I kept looking to find what it was these people were talking about. I also felt a bit like a slut because I felt similarly for ALL of my male friends. EEK! What was wrong with me??!!
I then decided to give up on "spark" "chemistry" "fireworks" "passion" and acknowledge that my relationship was FULFILLING ... but then i had to isolate myself from other male friends because I felt similarly for them, so wasn't I a cheater? at least emotionally? ugh. It was a hard time in my life.

Well, a marriage and a divorce later when that friend came out to me and talked about asexuality and I finally UNDERSTOOD.

It wasn't until today, in deciding to write this post that I truly addressed to myself how my own sexuality is part and parcel of my submission. That that is PART of my submission, that in laying my sexuality at the feet of my Dominant is every bit as much a gift as the one who accepts to be held in chastity is, or the sexual one who allows their Dominant to grant or withhold their orgasm... I lay my own sexuality at His feet all the same. He hold every bit as much sway over me as those other submissives and slaves, it just took Him a different approach to be able to hold my leash.


So.. Hi... my name is Angie/faith. I'm asexual, and I'm a submissive too, and there is nothing wrong with me thank you very much.


Whoever you are whatever you are whatever you do
You're the #1 U
there's no one who can be you better better than you!
keep it strong, keep it calm, be confident
gotta own who you are, gotta run with it!
when you own what you know you can run with it
cause there's no one who can be you better better than you
oooh ooh ooh ooh ohh you're the #1 U!

Nothin wrong with this picture!
Who you see in the mirror
better believe that it's true!
There's no one who van be you better better than u!


resources:
https://young.scot/information/identity/all-about-asexuality/
https://www.asexuality.org/?q=overview.html
https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/72-the-gray-area-sex-and-related-discussions/
http://wiki.asexuality.org/Gray-A/Grey-A << love it! It saved me!

~Faithfully His,
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

I'm me, you are you. ​

Howdy hey hi and Aloha!
Alright today’s topic might have been done to death, and even twice in the past by myself today I need to take a turn around it again for a specific reason. Please bear with me. Titles. I know i know, I can hear your eyes rolling from here. To label or not to label, what do titles mean, how do they affect a dynamic it’s all been done.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zs3xXlXSOKk

I’ve been quiet the past few days as some pretty big and important goings on have been happening on my side and I needed to cocoon to let the winds take me wherever they would. The storm seems to have passed, and there is a bit of debris that needs cleaning up. I was feeling very much at a loss to address any of it or help until halfway through my exercise playlist and I was struck by a bolt of lightning, and here I am, typing away.

There were waves to the storm, many of them do not need addressing, but one does. It ties in nicely with this week’s Inquiring Minds and the very popular Horrified by Submission thread. If you have not checked them out, please do!

Inquiring Minds this week asks how do you alter your dynamic to take into consideration other people’s consent/involving third parties witting or not in your kink. One user in particular felt that using titles in public was a form of stepping on others’ consent. We could get into a whole side debate about rights of the group to feel comfortable vs individual rights to freedom of elf and expression… but not today.
All of this was very apropos for me as this topic came up a few days ago from the third person involved in my Master and my dynamic. She is his Alpha girl, though we do not deal with it in those terms, it is the closest to accurate as will easily explain the dynamic going on. We are a family. Period. Full stop. We are still working out the ins and outs of our family, but we are committed to being one. She has, however, had some reservations and while I can not speak for her, it seems that a lot of them revolve around some preconceived notions she has about the connotations of titles/names and her discomfort with them. She herself identifies as an Alpha female submissive… bottom may be better term, but that is not mine to know or discuss. It has nothing to do with me whatsoever. As far as I know, she uses no title for my Master, and has really no desire to do so. What’s in a name afterall.
So earlier in the week in our family chat my Master addressed me by name, and it took me seriously aback. When I first saw it I got this sinking feeling in my stomach and asked myself “oh God what did I do wrong?!” Now mind you it was literally said with a smiley emoji… so I has no reason to feel that way whatsoever, it was just so out of place! I commented to the effect and he didnt even realize at first why it was unusual for me. I had to go back and point out that he never addresses me directly by name, only by name in reference. This opened the door for her to finally say something that has been bothering her. She feels uncomfortable when I address him by his titles, and when he addresses me by the names he has for me (I am loathe to call my own “titles”..) I did not even know how to address this. At first it made me angry. Literally angry. It took quite a lot of doing to calm down and understand WHY I was angry. He was an incredible help.
So that night I got to one level of understanding of why I was angry. It felt like a judgment. I couldn’t take it any farther that night, or really until this morning.

In reality her expression of her discomfort was not a judgment on me or on him, but a statement of her own discomfort at not being able to understand what we have. It was an acknowledgement of her own discomfort at being unable to identify with them enough to even understand where they were coming from. Instead of feeling angry about it, or hurt… rather i need to try to help her understand what these names mean to me.

Last evening my Master gave me the key to seeing this: he said that she personally would feel degraded by these names. That the things we do, if she were to do them, she would need to be broken first… and he will not do that. That is not the man he is. She is willing and in a way, maybe even wanting that… but he prefers submission and all that it entails to be uplifting and wanted. He does not want to break someone into submission… a brute can do that. He is no brute. Any meathead with enough brawn can bend and break someone, shackle them and force them into servitude. This is not submission. It takes a man worthy of respect. A man worthy of admiration, trust, and honor to INSPIRE submission. He does not want someone to kneel because they are forced or feel tied… he wants you to kneel because you truly acknowledge that through doing so, by giving him the reigns of your life, he can lead you to greater heights than you could possibly rise on your own. It is only in really understanding this that you truly submit your will. How can I fight what he asks me to do, whatever that thing is, when i already acknowledge that he has me better, he leads me better than I can lead myself. There is nothing bent or broken about my submission. There is nothing degrading in kneeling to this man. Were i to kneel to some jackass with a god complex who just likes to use me for his own personal porn… YEP that right there would be degrading to me. I am not. I do not.

So. Names. Titles. How can you explain them to someone who doesn’t understand them and feels like giving them to someone else by necessity degrades you… like acknowledging someone else’s position of power means that it takes away from your own.

When i call him Master and he calls me “my slave” I do not feel shackled or chained. I do not feel denegrated or dismissed. It is the greatest acknowledgement of my place in his heart and life. I know this similitude has the potential to draw huge ire from people… but it is what came to my mind this morning which prompted me to write. When you told me that you felt uncomfortable when i call him “Daddy, Master, or my Lord” and asked with assumed concern “it makes me wonder what he must call you!” I felt angry. I felt judged. The unwritten message there was whatever he calls me must be horrible. Over the last couple of days we have discussed the concept that we dont like to be hidden. We have spent most of our lives hiding who we are. No, we are not most people. The concept of being hidden brought to mind the imagery of being in the closet, which is a term we all know usually referrs to someone who was uncomfortable with unconventional sexual orientation and being forced to hide this. A little under two decades ago being called “gay” was a huge slam, or any derrevation thereof. Them were fighting words! Society in most of the West has thankfully changed and it is not at all a slam. It is an acknowledgement of the individual’s right to identify themselves and their own sexual preferences. If someone used “gay” as a slam now, they would pretty much be socially eviscerated. Yet you are basically telling me the same thing. That it should be horrifying to you or even make you uncomfortable for me to identify myself. I AM a slave. This is who I am. I am his slut. This is who i am. I AM his babygirl. This is who i am. None of these things shame me! None of these things make me feel less. To ask me to be ashamed of them, to feel the need to hide them… this concept is what tries to put shame on me where there is none.
I understand that YOU are not a slave. YOU are not a slut. YOU are not a babygirl. To be called any of these things would humiliate YOU because you are not these. That would be putting a box around you or a shackle around you. For me… to have my Master acknowledge me as his slave is the greatest acknowledgement of my real true soul. It does not shackle me, it gives me wings. It is the time i feel the MOST seen and loved. He is not only acknowledging who i am in that moment, and acknowledging who he is… but he is acknowledging who i am to him and that I am his. Because of the respect and admiration i have for the man he is, this is a huge compliment to me. We both know he will never settle. We both know he is different from the VAST majority of men. To be considered worthy of him, and he called his could NEVER be a derrission. When I am called “my slave” I feel seen, loved, held, desired, accepted, safe.

I am his slut. I know part of you just screamed and stamped your foot and shouted how can THAT not be derogatory? To be a slut, to me, means that I have no sexual inhibitions. I’m not bound by shame. It means that I abandon all of the guilt and shame that had been put on me by others and give completely and entirely of myself to the man that I chose. It means that I do not hide my sexual needs or wants behind a veil of false “morality”. I am not a slut… meaning that I do not chose to wantonly express my sexual desires towards anyone and everyone I so chose at any given moment in any given situation. Though I respect the right of people who chose to be a slut. I am HIS slut. To everyone else and in every other situation I am very much a lady. If you saw me in public at any given event I have impeccable manners. I’m very capable of holding my own in any social event, whatever level of social stratus that might be involved. What happens behind closed doors between the man who holds my life in his hands and me, that is completely separate and apart from any restrictions or judgments of society. That is what makes me his slut. When that door closes and no one else is around, I do not stop for a millisecond to thinks “oh what would they think if they knew.?!” Gosh… probably they would be jealous as fuck that I’m not scared to be uninhibited.
When i am called “my slut” I feel wanted, lusted after, desired, accepted, kept. I feel sexy as hell. I feel liberated.

I am his babygirl. This is not an oppression. It is not taking away my maturity. It is not infantilizing me. When I am his babygirl he is acknowledging the innocent and gentle parts of my soul that survived all the trauma of life. You have been through so much. I do not know most of it… but I know you are an incredibly strong woman. I respect you so very much. We all have different ways of coping with the blows dealt to us by life. I sealed part of myself away and kept it completely hidden and safe. Another part of me I built huge walls around and gave her cannons and moarters and made her defy anyone to fucking try and force her to break and go away. I am a middle who is incredibly tough and strong and refuses to go quietly into that good night. She refuses to die and grow up. She is the part of me that defies anyone to force me to do any damn thing that is expected of me. She is strong. I also have another part of me which had to go away too soon to protect her. She is very sensitive and playful and all kinds of things… and only he gets to see those. He is the only one who has ever gotten to see those. When he calls me babygirl he immediately reaches under all of those walls and mortars and he touches the softest part of my soul. When he calls me babygirl or little girl i feel disarmed. I feel calm. I feel protected. I feel held. I feel safe. I feel home.

I have other names as well, but those are between us and completely and entirely private. Just like these three… how they affect me have nothing to do with how society views them, or how they would make you feel if they were applied to you. Do not be afraid that he is degrading me. He is not. Do not be afraid that he is harming me. He is not. Do not be feel second hand shame or embarrassment because truly… there is none to be had!
No one expects you to be other than you truly are.

You expressed concern that you feel “unworthy” … the reason he calls you none of these names is because they would not provoke in you the feelings they provoke in me! They would not liberate and raise you… they would shackle and bind you. Where your names would do that to me.

A little more than a week ago in a conversation we had he said the following sentence to me… consider how it would make YOU feel vs how it made me feel.

“You are not my girlfriend. You are my slave.” context matters, this was not said to chastize me. I was not being reminded of my place or anything. Most people.. I’d venture to bet my last bottom dollar that if you read that… if that was said to you you would a) get angry and self righteous or b) become sad and hurt. …. How could he SAY such a thing to me?!
For me… I could not stop grinning and my reply was THANK GOODNESS! I would never want to be. That right there is GENUINE. I literally would never want to be his girlfriend. THAT would be the debasement to me! That would be a loss. (for the record it was also not said in comparing us… it had nothing to do with you at all.)
I mentioned up there that we both acknowledge that he would never “settle”. He will never ever put his time and energy into keeping something that is not valueable and worthwhile. … you are valueable and worthwhile to him. You are important to him. I can not enumerate the numbers of times he has told me how amazed by you he is. How in awe of you he is. How much he loes and respects you. How very much he wants to build a life with you. How he enjoys watching his manic pixie flit around the house and happily create the magic that you do! He appreciates the home that you help create. He is inspired watching you craft and cook up a storm like the amazing kitchen witch that you are. He is also intrigued by your mind. He respects your intelligence and your conversation. There are so many many benefits to you that are uniquely and entirely you! One of the ways that he shows this honor of you as a person is to NOT bind and shackle you or break you into anything other than the woman you intrinsically are. Are there layers to you that you are not willing or able to open up… .highly possibly… but he will not force that, because he respects you. You ARE Worthy and you must see that he says you are because of how tightly he is holding onto you and supporting you in all of your aspirations. His respect for himself just also requires that he not alter himself or pretend to be what he is not just because there are parts of him that are not in line with parts of you. This too is respect.

So yes… I am my Master’s slave. I am my Lord’s little dirty slut. I am my Daddy’s babygirl and sweet pea. To take away these names would be to debase me. All of these make me feel incredibly positive things… so too should the names he give you, and all of their depth of meaning. If you do not know what they mean to him and why he uses them…. Perhaps it is worth an ask

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FtFwAaCjrM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzM56PzKITA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8d05ZGzwsM
https://youtu.be/Cr2OFgPaIQo << definitely beats hippopotamus for christmas.

~Faithfully His,
Angie

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Thank you Anja <3 yeah... we are quite kindred on many levels. I like your names too by the way ^__^ although I'm 100% sure I'd die of blushing for quite a while

Thank you for replying. It matters to know I'm not completely alone.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Yeah... it is wonderful how they tend to do that! The newest one on that list of mine is sweet pea. It has huge meaning and a lot of subtext. It is one of my favorites because it can be used in public without turning any heads, but it has lots of levels of meaning all of which fly under everyone else's radar Can't really get away with "my dirty little slut" in public without making people around you darn near spittake.