Let's Talk About... Grief

[NorthRockJohnson]

Life has put me in a really tough spot right now and I'm trying my best to deal with it. Hanging with friends and people that make me laugh help a lot though.

 

[Setanta84]

I've had a charmed life--grew up poor, short, sickly and smart in a rural conservative area in an abusive home--but the last 12 years in particular have been particularly filled with grief.

2004: My little brother and grandfather--our father figure--died under wildly different circumstances in the same week. Also, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer.

2008: Hello, global economic crash! Nice of you to show up during my senior year at university. I'm sure the next decade or so will be very character-building.

2011: Dated a woman from these boards briefly while holding my first management job and that ended sort of traumatically.

2014: I got engaged and started my own business. I also received a diagnosis of metastatic skin cancer, she left, and took our dog with her.

2016: Shortly after regaining the ability to walk, I was hired by a weirdly abusive outfit and just settled multiple discrimination suits against them out of court.

I've tried a lot of coping mechanisms. Drinking, casual sex, drugs, meditation. Currently, I'm taking some time off and writing while a guest at a monastery.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Life has put me in a really tough spot right now and I'm trying my best to deal with it. Hanging with friends and people that make me laugh help a lot though.

Laughter is good, music is too. You know you're awesome, right?

 

[julybaby04]

Grief is hard and very personal. I guess there are stages, but I also think one's personal belief system plays the most important role in grief.

When my husband had brain cancer 8 years ago and then passed away 6 years ago, my faith provided my ability to sustain. My friends in real life as well as on here lifted me during that time. God comforted me and He has provide for me as well.

I know I will be with him again, as is true for all I have lost who had received salvation. There is great comfort in knowing this earth is temporary, for me.

Prayers lifted for all who are grieving today.

 

[Bluespark]

Don't fight it. Let it out. Cry be crazy laugh love. It's a wild right but just go with it. Underneath all the pain and confusion is the most profound and beautiful love. Almost too much to handle.

 

[MaryanneB]

Grief is a very different thing to different people. My husband died in April 2013 after fighting heart disease for 14 years. He had 2 open heart surgeries and 19 cardiac caths and died with a pacemaker and internal defibrillator.
We had alot of time to realize what the inevitable outcome would be but that is sometimes worse than a sudden event. I'm a retired OR nurse so I knew exactly what was happening. When he died, I was the usual useless POS but as time went on, I started to worry about the fact that I had more relief than sadness so I looked for a support group. I found GriefShare.org They are an organization that uses sponsors for places to meet and volunteers to help. The series is 13 weekly meetings and is free (although I baked enough cookies to give Godzilla diabetes). They have open discussions and a 30 minute video each week.
During one of these videos, they mentioned the fact that long term caregivers start the grief process
long before the death. The feeling of relief was a normal and understandable feeling. All of my guilt suddenly lifted.
The program is all across the US and my town is only about 3000 people so it isn't just a city thing.
It's a little too "Christian based" for me but well worth the patience with that.
No matter how much support you feel you have, this program allows you to be with like minds and allows you to talk without Aunt Grace looking down her nose at you.
If you need anyt help, PM me.

 

[MaryanneB]

Just a PS to my post:
I would love to write a book entitled "The Things You Say To a Widow/er Shows How Stupid You Are"
It never ceased to amaze me how people can offer help and come up with lame excuses when you ask them something. And by the way, not many of us want to hear what you're sure heaven is.
I appreciated the friend who took me to hockey games, the friends who called me like clock work and still do, the neighbors who shovelled my walk and made sure I was ok.
This included my gf 2000 miles away who called the PA State Police crying that she couldn't get ahold of me. She just knew I was on the floor sick. Troopers came to my house at midnight to be sure I was ok. I answered the door with just an Erie Otters t-shirt. Nice guys.....but they had a hard time hiding the smiles.....

 

[barefootgirl69]

How do you deal with grief? I was already looking into seeking counseling after I had to make the decision not to put my aunt back on life support just before Christmas and then a few weeks later was dealt Doms physical, emotional, and sexual abuse by my now ex husband. So, when my dad committed suicide a couple months after that, I knew I had to go talk to someone about everything. My friends were great support but there are certain details I didn't even want them knowing because I felt so much shame.

Do you feel like you have an adequate support network and coping skills? I'm working on the coping skills. I have a great support network, my problem is that when I'm at my lowest, I don't reach out. I shut off. I've tried really hard not to do that.

Which stage of grief are you in right now? Anger. I'm pissed that the decision for my aunt was placed in my hands, I'm mad as hell at my ex for everything that happened, and I'm angry at my dad for going out how he did and that we have zero answers as to why it happened.

What do you feel like is your greatest need (with regard to grieving) at this time? I need compassionate people who are going to understand I'm not always going to be happy and playful and in a great mood. I'm hurt and I'm sad and it's going to take more than a few months to work past it.

What do you do for self-care? Counseling, she's been so awesome. I'm really lucky to have that lady help me cork through all this because it is a lot. Out of all the people I have in my life I confide in CJ the most. He's been amazing and patient and very kind through all this. He doesn't judge me and aside from being an amazing lover and great boyfriend, he's an outstanding friend and human.

I also cry. A lot. But mostly just when I'm alone, I don't like others seeing me cry. I'm kind of like a guy in that respect. In my family I'm "the strong one" always have been. So my job is to take care of everyone else and not show my emotions. But, when I'm alone I'm a giat bawl baby. Most likely if you skype message me or see my posts here, those are done when I'm alone so there's usually some tears involved.

No words...just lots of hugs... and a tissue. Whenever you are ready. I'll just sit here beside you quietly, in case you need a friend.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Life has put me in a really tough spot right now and I'm trying my best to deal with it. Hanging with friends and people that make me laugh help a lot though.

Hugs for you, too! Friends are good at helping us through rocky times.

 

[Carolina_lulu]

I have been dealing with grief for quite some time, as the love of my life died in September of 2011. It has been the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with.

I tried attending griefshare but I was so very angry, particularly after the group leader said that God just decides the person is through here on earth (seriously?! He was 37 and had two small children), that I quit.

There are moments when I still get very sad: holidays, anniversaries (in two days so Sunday is gonna suck), etc. He is on my mind every day.

Dating is basically impossible.

 

[NorthRockJohnson]

Laughter is good, music is too. You know you're awesome, right?

Awww YOU are!

 

[Azuldrgon]

I have been dealing with grief for quite some time, as the love of my life died in September of 2011. It has been the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with.

I tried attending griefshare but I was so very angry, particularly after the group leader said that God just decides the person is through here on earth (seriously?! He was 37 and had two small children), that I quit.

There are moments when I still get very sad: holidays, anniversaries (in two days so Sunday is gonna suck), etc. He is on my mind every day.

Dating is basically impossible.

*hugs*
It takes time.
It's been almost five years since my dad died and it was a heavy hit to me.
It's all about day by day.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

*lurks, reads, sniffles a lot*

Thank you, everyone, for sharing.

 

[Azuldrgon]

*lurks, reads, sniffles a lot*

Thank you, everyone, for sharing.

*hugs*
Thanks for a place to share.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

*hugs*
Thanks for a place to share.

That's my job, and I love it.

 

[Lovecutmuscles]

I am in the middle of grief but fluctuate between stages 2, 3 and 4.
Right now I feel fractured and I don't have the energy to put myself back together.

 

[julybaby04]

I am in the middle of grief but fluctuate between stages 2, 3 and 4.
Right now I feel fractured and I don't have the energy to put myself back together.

That is where friends come to the rescue to encourage you to be strong...just for today. Just for today holding it together and making through the day. Tomorrow you do it again and be for you know it, you have made it a week, a month, a year, a lifetime.

 

[weekender43]

Is acceptance a stage? That is where i would be noe. Only taken a year and a half, but who is counting.

 

[lonelyladyfl]

How do you deal with grief? I don't think I deal with it well.

Do you feel like you have an adequate support network and coping skills? Not at all. My family that I have left don't care about anyone but themselves. I don't share my feelings with the friends I think I have. When I have shared my feelings, I don't hear from them.

Which stage of grief are you in right now? I move between depression and acceptance.

What do you feel like is your greatest need (with regard to grieving) at this time? I'm not sure. Time? Space? Love?

What do you do for self-care? I cry before bed at times. I overeat, I drink, I oversleep, I dwell on my bad choices and imagine how things could be different iif I made different choices.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

How do you deal with grief? I don't think I deal with it well.

Do you feel like you have an adequate support network and coping skills? Not at all. My family that I have left don't care about anyone but themselves. I don't share my feelings with the friends I think I have. When I have shared my feelings, I don't hear from them.

Which stage of grief are you in right now? I move between depression and acceptance.

What do you feel like is your greatest need (with regard to grieving) at this time? I'm not sure. Time? Space? Love?

What do you do for self-care? I cry before bed at times. I overeat, I drink, I oversleep, I dwell on my bad choices and imagine how things could be different iif I made different choices.

(((hugs)))

Would it be accurate to say that you are carrying a lot of guilt around because of your 'bad choices' ?

 

[LinusRules]

That's my job, and I love it.

You're a good egg, Noonan.

 

[aussiegeekygal]

Great thread, honey. Thanks for starting it. I second your nomination if meop to head cuddler.

How do you deal with grief? I surround myself with people I love. I also talk to professionals who know more about what I'm going through than I do. I give myself permission to feel whatever I need to.
Do you feel like you have an adequate support network and coping skills?I have a phenomenal network. I count my blessings often.
Which stage of grief are you in right now? Definitely depression. Waiting for the acceptance to kick in.
What do you feel like is your greatest need (with regard to grieving) at this time? Hrm. That's a hard question to answer. I suppose I need to learn to trust myself more. I go through phases where I convince myself I'm making all this up (ha! Denial much?). I need to relax. I need to stop thinking myself into a corner, and I need to accept that I'm different now, and that's OK.
What do you do for self-care? Lots and lots of baths.

 

[1sickbastard]

How do you deal with grief?

Badly.

Do you feel like you have an adequate support network and coping skills?

Probably not. See previous answer.

Which stage of grief are you in right now?

Well, I've accepted both my anger and my denial.

What do you feel like is your greatest need (with regard to grieving) at this time?

The need to go-go Godzilla on some metropolitan area.

What do you do for self-care?

Do self destructive behaviors qualify as 'self-care'?

That's good for a start.

Will this be on the mid-term?

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Badly.

Probably not. See previous answer.

Well, I've accepted both my anger and my denial.

The need to go-go Godzilla on some metropolitan area.

Do self destructive behaviors qualify as 'self-care'?

Will this be on the mid-term?

Hm. You will perhaps not be completely surprised to hear that I am familiar with one or two of your self-destructive behaviors...

Which brings up an excellent point, actually, that I will get to in a bit. Thank you for chiming in.

 

[LinusRules]

(((hugs)))

Would it be accurate to say that you are carrying a lot of guilt around because of your 'bad choices' ?

It's interesting that most of us beat ourselves up over our bad choices. But they were usually the best available choices when we made them, they just turned out poorly. Yet we beat ourselves up over them rather than forgiving ourselves and moving on. We're a funny lot, aren't we?