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A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed.....

The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.

They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.

"Sir, do you know this woman?"

"Yes it's my wife"

(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you.......but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck."

The man replied, "Yeah, I know...... but she's a wonderful cook!"
 
on a nice summer evening, Paul, Jim and Harold went fishing at the lake.

Suddenly, Paul starts struggling and pulling.

"That's gotta be a big one!", he says.

With a strong tug, however, Paul is pulled from his feet and falls in.

After a minute, he hasn't resurfaced, leaving the other 2 men utterly confused.

"Maybe we should pull him out", Harold suggests.

"Good idea", says jim, and they jump in, pulling the motionless body out.

"Oh no", says Jim, "he passed out, we gotta do CPR!"

"Okay, i'll do the heart massage, you keep him breathing", Harold said.

and with that, jim began doing mouth to mouth, in order to fill Paul's lungs.

After a few seconds, he stops, heavily breathing, and remarks: "Harold, i can't continue this, his breath is so terrible!"

Harold replies: "an unpleasant smell prevents you from performing CPR? let me try", and promptly, they switch places.

After a few breaths, Harold too cannot continue.

"You're right!", he exclaims, "it's unbearable! What on earth did he-"

"Wait a second", Jim interrupts his rant. "That's not Paul! This Guy is still wearing ice skates!"
 
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

Poof! The redhead gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
 
"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"
Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.

​

Little Johnny stood up...

"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."
 
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.

Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".

The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.

"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"

Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and kicking her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.

They don't usually go anywhere without me, so I said 'Wait for me....."
 
Bobby and a little girl are playing. Bobby pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."

The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Bobby and the girl are playing together again. Once again Bobby points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't."

But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today," asks Bobby.

"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."
 
One time, a young man goes in a very dark road as he went home and saw an elderly man sitting along the way. The elderly man is weird and suspicious-looking. The man called him, but the younger one ignored. The elderly man kept on calling him, so the young man got frightened, but he released all his fears and went bravely to the elderly man.

It appeared that the elderly man was just trying to sell him a book worth 1000 bucks. The young man declines. As he left the elderly man and continued walking, he made a second thought about the book the elderly man was selling to him, and why is it so expensive. He had a lot of money on him and thought of the possibility that it is some kind of secret magical book. So, he went back and bought the book.

The elderly man said "You made the best decision of your life, your 1000 bucks is truly worth it." However, there was a warning. "Never look at the back of the book, you'll regret it!!!".

The young man finally went home with his book. As midnight passed, the guy can't sleep thinking about the warning, and why he couldn't look at the back of the book. His curiosity went into him and decided to take look at the back of the book....









"HALF PRICE BOOKS $21.75"
 
In a small town, people became increasingly unhappy with the mayor's administration. Sensing the people's disgruntlement, the mayor started to get worried about his post. He called for the council meeting to address this growing problem. The council agreed that it's mostly because people are not obedient and disciplined and the administration is completely fine.

But, they decided to end this problem by hiring a hypnotist and use him to make the townsfolk believe that the mayor is doing a great job and they should be more respectful towards him. They were quite happy with the plan and soon the town is abuzz with the upcoming 'magic show'.

The day has arrived and the entire town has gathered for the show. As planned, the hypnotist got all the townsfolk in trance and all that is left is for hypnotist to say the words and the town people would obey without question. The mayor and the council are quite pleased with themselves. The hypnotist was about to pocket the glass pendulum back in pocket when it slipped and shattered on the floor. Without thinking much, hypnotist said "Shit!".

It took seven days to clean the auditorium.
 
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An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was going commando.

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.

"It's all right," she replied, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss. The old man was completely astounded and asked what else it could do.

"I can also make it wink," she replied.

The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.

"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, he stammered, "You- you're kidding me, you mean it can whistle, too?"
 
Back in the middle ages, there was a boy named Eddie, who was born as just a head.

His mother, concerned for his well-being, visited a witch in the woods near their house, seeking a remedy for the poor boy's affliction. The witch felt charitable, looking upon the poor body-less infant, and told Eddie's mother that not only would the boy be fine, she would also make him a body! However, the body wouldn't be ready until Eddie's 10th birthday. Ecstatic, Eddie's mother thanked the witch and left, returning periodically to check on the body's progress and to drop off small gifts.

Eddie was raised as normally as a child without a body could be. Though he could not do any manual work with his father and brothers, he was quite adept at organizing his family's small plot of land, ensuring they always had enough surplus crop to pay their due to the local lord. Eddie loved his family and they loved him back, and the years passed fairly pleasantly.

Finally, Eddie's 10th birthday arrived, and his mother retrieved the boy's new body from the witch. His mother had, of course, kept the body a secret from Eddie all these years, wanting it to be the most wonderful surprise.

As she returned to the house, Eddie's mother called out, "Eddie, guess what very special gift I've brought you for your birthday?"

Eddie replied: "Not another fucking hat!"
 
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