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A kid goes off to the army and comes back home after basic training.

He's having a chat with his dad about his experience, telling him how it went.

"So the first thing they do was have me run 15 miles. It was brutal. I had to have my fatigues on and carry my provisions. The drill sergeant said if we didn't do that we had to run 30 Miles the next day."

"So did you run?"

"Of course Dad! The next day we were to learn swimming techniques. We had to swim five miles nonstop, or the next day we would have to swim 10."

"So did ya swim it?"

"Of course Dad! The next day we had to do sky diving. Well you know I'm deathly scared of heights. So the drill sergeant said if I didn't jump out of that plane asap he had a baseball bat he carried for these occasions. He said if I didn't jump on the count of five he'd shove it up my ass!"

"So...... You jumped?"

"Of course Dad! At first anyway."
 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., guy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays."
 
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dilllldosss?"

The clerk politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos, actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inches ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do.."

The old lady then says "Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"
 
A man returns to work on Tuesday after a long weekend due to his 25th wedding anniversary he had celebrated over the weekend. His buddies were happy to see him and wanted to know how his little vacation was.

"Perfect!", he replied. "I came home, and nobody was home. So I went upstairs to the bedroom and there she was; naked and on all fours, and she tells me happy anniversary, you can do whatever you want to me!

His friends asked, "So what did you do!?!?"

He replied, "I sent her to her mother's!"
 
A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The following day the preacher gave him 10. By the end of the week, the young man broke the church's all time record for the highest sale of bibles.

The preacher believed that divine intervention had occured. He was dumbfounded and had to know the young man's secret.

So the preacher asked the man how he was able to sell so many bibles in such a short amount of time.

The young man smiled and said,"I asked th-th-them if th-th-they wanted to b-b-buy a bible or have m-m-me read it to th-th-them."
 
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope starts a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but would you know a four letter word ending in ‘u-n-t’ that refers to a woman?”

“Oh my god!” the man thought. I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘Aunt’.”

“Oh, of course!” the Pope exclaims. “Do you have an eraser?”
 
A married couple was lying in bed one night.

The wife switched off the lights, and curled up under the sheets, ready to go to sleep, just as the husband turned his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he started to read, he periodically reached over to his wife and fondled her pussy. He did this a few times, but only for very short intervals before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually became more and more aroused, assuming that her husband was in a playful mood and was seeking some encouragement before going further, got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband looked up from his book, confused and asked, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife, stopping halfway through stripping, replied, "You were rubbing my pussy. I thought you wanted to get frisky."

The husband, even more confused, said, "No, no, not at all." His wife asked angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then!?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages."
 
There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter then spit, mutter then spit. As a man got closer he heard her say "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive" then spit.

He sits down next to her and asks "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

“Well" says the gal "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say 'sure, why not?' He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!!"

"So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!"

"We were going about 90mph now with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Brad, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!"

She paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN DRIVE!!"
 
Two older gentlemen, Steve and Dave, strangers until they met at the Superbowl.

Dave notes the empty seat between the two.

Steve sighs. "...that was my wife's seat. We were season ticket holders and went to every game until she passed away."

Dave says, "I'm sorry to hear that... and nobody from your family wanted to go to the Superbowl?"

"How could they?" Steve declared.
"They're at the funeral!"
 
A man is in a bar with his friend when he looks at his watch. "Oh shit, I have to get home, my wife's gonna kill me" the man exclaims.

"Why? She'll be asleep---- stay for another drink, pal" his friend replies.

"You don't understand---- I would drive the car real slow and quiet into our garage, tip-toe from there to the living room and up the stairs, quietly open the door, tip-toe, check if she's asleep ----which she is, then slowly go to bed; suddenly she'll pop up, turn the lamp on, and reprimand me til' the sun comes out".

"Then do what I do---- I roar my engine to the garage, crash my way onto the living room, stomp my way up the stairs, kick the door down, go up to my wife and ask 'How's about giving me a blowjob, honey?' and she'll be so asleep, you'd think she was dead!"
 
A man who killed 16 people in a car accident is in the court.

The judge asks him to tell exactly what happened. The guy starts calmly.

"Well, I was driving my truck down the road but my brakes failed. In front of me there were two choices: On the left there was an old guy who was crossing the road and on the right there was a crowded bus stop. So I decided it was better to run over the old guy."

The judge asks: "So how come you killed 16 people?"

The driver says: "The old bastard started running to the bus stop."
 
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