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There once was a man who was always cold. No matter how many layers of clothes he wore, or how much heat he was exposed to, he would be shivering.
He was a good, pious man, so when he died, God took him up to Heaven. While the man was very appreciative, he said, “Please God, it’s just too cold here. Please take me down to Hell so I can be warm for once.” God agreed and sent him down to Hell.

A few years passed and God decided to check in on the pious man, just to see if he’d changed his mind.
He opened the door to Hell and asked, “Have you changed your mind? Would you like to come back to Heaven?”
The pious man replied, “I’m fine God, but just one thing, could you please shut the door, you’re letting in the cold!”
 
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the woman might have a cold, but was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
''I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?''

''I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.''

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
''I have never heard of that condition before'' he said. ''Are you taking anything for it?''

The woman nodded, "Pepper...''
 
There was an election inside a body. The brain said "without me this body loses control, i am the coordinator, so i should be the president"
The lungs objected "if we stop working you all die in a few minutes, we should be the ones who rule".

The heart sneered "if i stop, you will die within a few seconds, i am the president."

The ass exclaimed "I am the most vital organ, you don't get it, but i will show you" and the ass stopped working.

The election debate went on, after a few days, everywhere was full of shit, so the organs were obliged to elect the ass.

"Holy shit" the ass chirped "now let's Make America Great Again".
 
An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"
The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!"

The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!"

The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED sex!"

The Italian man says "That may be true, but we introduced it to women."
 
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"With who?"

"Thomas."

"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"

"Since yesterday."


My best friend passed away recently..

Grieving before his grave I said,

“Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?

A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.

I’m really happy my prayer worked.
 
Best Friends

One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob calls a hospital and told the doctor "Quick Quick I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis" the doctor told him". Son your gonna have to suck the venom out yourself" Bob asked" Please doctor there has to be another way to get rid of the venom". The doctor says "Sorry there's nothing we can do" So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Jay says with pain "So what did the doctor say?" Bob says "Doctor said your gonna die".
 
A farmer and his best friend go to the city trying to get laid...

They walk into a club and the farmer immediately finds a girl to chat. He takes his hat off and start sweet talking the girl.

Unimpressed, the girl tells him: "I'll only go out with you if you have a 2.000 acreage farm, 10 thousand cows and a 7 inch dick.

Her words make the farmer die inside, who walks back to his friend.

"What happened"? The friend asks.

The farmer replies, "she said that to go out with me I need to get rid of half of my farm, 3/4 of my cows and 3 inches of my dick."
 
Bill and Bob are best friends and are also baseball fans...

...they are sitting in a bar discussing if heaven has baseball. They decide to make a pact. The first to die will return and tell the other if baseball has heaven or not. Years go buy and Bob dies. Bill is walking down the road and has forgotten their pact. Suddenly Bob appears. Bill is shocked and exclaims Bob wow you came back! Why? Bob replies I have good and bad news. The good news there is baseball in heaven. Bad news is you are pitching friday.
 
A man approaches his best friend's wife one day
when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.


"No. My husband wouldn't approve."


"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"


"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."


So the man shows up next day and slaps $1000 on the table and they do whatever it was they did(!!!). In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught:


"Was my best friend here today?"


"Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern.


"And did he leave $1000?"


"Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst.


"Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came in this morning and asked if he could borrow $1000 from me and promised to return it this afternoon!"
 
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".
 
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you?

Here it comes ..."
 
Today, my wife said to me,

"Honey," get off your butt and fix that gutter downspout! And, I want it done before the end of the day!”

"Well, as you all know, at my age, most of my friends are retired and do have the time to address such "Honeydos"….So, I invited some of my buddies over to help with the project.

One is a sheet metal worker.

One is an Iron Worker so he came with his welder.

One brought beer and Nachos.

One brought a grill and burgers.

Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the beer and burgers.

As usual, the wife is still not happy!!

Can't understand, because all us guys love it! Personally, I cannot wait for it to rain.


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An old couple is making love in their old dusty bedroom when the woman stops and says "Harold, I've been meaning to ask you something." She gets off of the bed and pulls a shoebox out from under the bed. Harold gets a little nervous and she says, "Harold we've been married for 50 years and I just don't understand this." She opens up the box to reveal 3 golf balls and a stack of cash.

Harold says, "Martha, after 50 years of marraige to you I cannot lie. Each time I have been unfaithful to you, I have placed a golf ball in this box to remind me of the injustice I have done to our relationship. I'm very sorry"

Martha says, "After 50 years of marraige, I can forgive you for 3 indiscretions , you've stuck with me all these years and I love you. But I'm confused, what is with the cash?"

Harold says, "Well, everytime I got to a dozen I would sell them back to the golf shop."
 
The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The blonde says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later, she returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"

A few months later the blonde is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"

The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" She storms out of the bar.

The next day, the blonde runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" she exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
 
Three blondes are in an elevator

Conversing as they ride to their office on the top floor when they notice a peculiar stain on the wall.

The first one leans down to inspect it closer and says "I think this is cum!"

The second one leans down for a closer look and takes a sniff and says "I think your right, it smells like cum too!"

The third jumps right in and gives the stain a lick and says "You're right, it's definitely cum. But it's nobody from this building!"
 
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