Lit🌎World ©️ sunny 🌞 days 1 thread her thread

[SunnyDays1]

An old man is fishing by the creek.

Soon a wagon pulled by horses approaches on the road behind him.
"Is the water shallow enough to pass through with my horses and goods, old man ?" bellowed the driver.
"Sure mere few feet to the right, a small family made their way across not an hour ago" meekly said the old-timer.

Happy to shorten his journey the driver reins his horses across the stream. Not a few steps in when the horses succumbed to the watery depth.
Barely holding on to the bank the driver escaped the waters with his life intact while the horses drowned.

"Oy, you old fart, you said I could make my way across here. Didn't you tell me that a small family made it across?"

The old man was puzzled," I dont get it. The family of ducks passed, and their legs were much shorter than the ones in your horses."

 

[SunnyDays1]

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbi are camping together.

Around the campfire they each claim to be the best at winning converts to their respective faiths. To settle the friendly dispute they decide to seek out a bear and try to convert it. The next day they fan out in different directions into the woods, planning to meet back at the campsite in twelve hours.

That night they gather around the fire again. "Well," said the Baptist, "how did you do?"

"After a few hours I came upon a bear foraging for berries," the priest said. "I read to him from our Catechism and we talked about theology, and I'm happy to report I signed him up to start our conversion education."


"Good," the Baptist said. "I found a black bear in a creek. I laid out God's plan for salvation for him. He prayed the sinner's prayer and I baptized him right there in that creek!"

They then both turned the rabbi, who they now noticed had scratches on his face, torn clothes and blood across his belly. He took a long, deep breath and said: "If I could do it over again, I would not start with circumcision."

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://www.buzz50.com/media/kunena/attachments/27954/12274592_1050861311623229_3053134740482236_n.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/88/e8/c6/88e8c63eb6760eefd88f95fe3ecd71d5.png

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://media1.tenor.com/images/c4ad8a71652f331c5a4d3674615bfba4/tenor.gif?itemid=14480338

 

[SunnyDays1]

Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.
The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket..

At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died.
"Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."

Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Move! You're standing on my oxygen hose!"

 

[SunnyDays1]

Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life, Dan was the first to die. John mourned him and waited for him to come and visit.

True to his word, two months later, as John was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.
"John......John......."

"My gosh..... Is that you, Dan?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple more times...... then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!"

"What heaven? I'm a rabbit at our local Golf Course."

 

[SunnyDays1]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife.......

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the heck does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said .....

"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"


The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

 

[SunnyDays1]

http://www.jeremychin.com/repository/tickled/0536.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://cdn.quotesgram.com/img/56/63/1791439490-1cfc12944d0b132216100615948dad25.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/ce/9a/42/ce9a4214d035f0baa1efc7a52c3a64df--the-election--election.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

A pilot and a copilot are getting ready to land their plane on an exotic foreign runway on a foggy day

The pilot says “I’ve heard that this runway is pretty short, so why don’t you go ahead and give me quarter flaps, so we can slow this plane down. The copilot acknowledges, and gives quarter flaps.

As they begin to see the runway through the fog, they start to see how short the runway is. The pilot nervously says “This runway is shorter than I thought! Give me half flaps, we’ve got to slow this plane down! The copilot, also nervous, gives him half flaps.

The pilot, beginning to see the runway more clearly now through the fog, starts to panic at how short the runway is. “Give me three quarter flaps!” He shouts. The copilot gives him three quarter flaps as fast as he can.

All of a sudden, just as they are about to land, the fog breaks and they can see just how short the runway is. The pilot screams at his copilot “My god this runway is short! Give me full flaps, or we’ll crash! The copilot gives full flaps at blinding speed, while sweating more than he ever has in his life.

They careen towards the runway, and as soon as they touch down, they slow to a complete stop before the plane can roll off the other side of the runway. “Wow” says the pilot. “This runway is shorter than our plane is!”

“Yeah” says the copilot. “But it sure is wide!”

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://shareitsfunny.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/psyco-the-rapist.jpg

 

[Bud_Spencer]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/88/90/61/8890612e05ee06ee37b9dcad86992fb4.jpg

THIS!!

 

[SunnyDays1]

One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says, “Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”

Billy Bob replies, “Well, sheriff, it’s a long story!”
The sheriff says he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy Bob should tell the story.

Billy Bob continues, “Well, sheriff, me and Mary Lou were down on the farm and we started cuddling. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.
r>Inside the barn we started kissing and cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well Mary Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did.

Up on the hill we started kissing and cuddling and then Mary Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.

Then Mary Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said, “Okay, Billy Bob, go to town...”

 

[SunnyDays1]

Below is an ad that appeared in The Atalanta Journal.

Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips; cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call this number and ask for Dixie.




https://adamslabradorblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/black-lab-puppy-face-thumb.jpg



(Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever)

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/44/63/cc/4463cc24b2fdb287b68b64da94c7cf22--dentist-jokes-my-dentist.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

The kindness of the elderly . . .

When we get older, we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind . . . especially if you are familiar with the elderly.


Dear Kean Elementary,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://www.teamjimmyjoe.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/funny-dancing-treadmill-fail.gif

 

[SunnyDays1]

Lots of the newer cars have a Back-Up Sensor that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something.


Who invented this sensor? I bet you think it was Ford, maybe GM, how about Chrysler, No? then how about Mercedes Benz, or possibly the French or Italians? No. It was a Chinese farmer. His invention was simple and effective. It emits a high-pitch squeal before the vehicle backs into something.



Here's his first prototype...






https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-esGe0xRKPq4/VFHFxp4tzDI/AAAAAAAAF_I/wDtZm2PXI0A/s2560/1414645187530.jpeg

 

[SunnyDays1]

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what
the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

 

[SunnyDays1]

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:

"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Please! Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note, "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Please! Lead us not into temptation."

 

[SunnyDays1]

http://www.quickmeme.com/img/96/96c5977b78f1210468938cce955ca638e18bb0856b8740a49faf56bc8ec236b0.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

google map......

 

[SunnyDays1]

Zoology Test

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held.

The professor passed out sheets of small
paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs.
No bodies, no feet, just legs.
The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs.

Our student sat and stared at the test getting
angrier every minute.
Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on
the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written."
The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything and you definitely have failed the test. What's your name my dear?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me..."