SunnyDays1
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Lit🌎World ©️ sunny 🌞 days 1 thread her thread
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
SunnyDays1
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A male whale and a female whale are swimming were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father years ago. He said to the female whale, “let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and sank.
Soon, however, the whales realized that the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female “let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.” At this point he realized the female was becoming relunctant to follow him.
“Look,” she said, “I went along with the blowjob but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father years ago. He said to the female whale, “let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and sank.
Soon, however, the whales realized that the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female “let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.” At this point he realized the female was becoming relunctant to follow him.
“Look,” she said, “I went along with the blowjob but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”
SunnyDays1
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When Ludwig von Beethoven died in Vienna, Austria in 1827 he was buried at the city's central graveyard.
After 3 days some people who walked by his grave notice there was a strange noise in the air. Something was wrong.
After 6 days more and more people were talking about that and it became topic in the journal, and everybody was thinking that it would be a ghost or some curse.
After 7 days the citizens decided to call the priest to check out what was going on in there.
So a big crowd went to the cemetery to see what the priest would do to find out what was happening.
When the priest standed next to Beethoven's grave he said to everyone not to talk out loud so he could listen to the mysterious noise.
10 seconds passed and he talked to people:
- "Don't be afraid, women and men. This is not a ghost exactly."
- "What do you mean?!" - Said one of the men.
- "Can't you hear? It's not a noise. It's Beethoven's 5th Symphony." - Answered the priest.
- "So why is it playing now? Beethoven is dead, isn't he?"
- "Relax. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
After 3 days some people who walked by his grave notice there was a strange noise in the air. Something was wrong.
After 6 days more and more people were talking about that and it became topic in the journal, and everybody was thinking that it would be a ghost or some curse.
After 7 days the citizens decided to call the priest to check out what was going on in there.
So a big crowd went to the cemetery to see what the priest would do to find out what was happening.
When the priest standed next to Beethoven's grave he said to everyone not to talk out loud so he could listen to the mysterious noise.
10 seconds passed and he talked to people:
- "Don't be afraid, women and men. This is not a ghost exactly."
- "What do you mean?!" - Said one of the men.
- "Can't you hear? It's not a noise. It's Beethoven's 5th Symphony." - Answered the priest.
- "So why is it playing now? Beethoven is dead, isn't he?"
- "Relax. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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therwine40
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therwine40
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therwine40
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What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.
What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.
What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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Jim had just turned 21, and wanted to buy a horse for himself
Jim strode into a stable, looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said the owner, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to say "heyhey", and the way to get him to go is to say "thank God". Jim nodded his head, “Fine by me, can I take him for a test run?”, to which the owner agreed.
Jim was having the time of his life. "This horse sure can run" he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead. “Stop!” cried Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered, and yelled “heyhey!". The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff.
Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raised his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”
Jim strode into a stable, looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said the owner, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to say "heyhey", and the way to get him to go is to say "thank God". Jim nodded his head, “Fine by me, can I take him for a test run?”, to which the owner agreed.
Jim was having the time of his life. "This horse sure can run" he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead. “Stop!” cried Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered, and yelled “heyhey!". The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff.
Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raised his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”
SunnyDays1
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During a fire, a woman was stuck on the 4th floor with her baby.
Fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built man burst through the crowd and shouted to the woman. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and screamed, "Touchdown!"
Fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built man burst through the crowd and shouted to the woman. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and screamed, "Touchdown!"
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therwine40
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A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
SunnyDays1
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therwine40
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Three words to ruin a man's ego. "Is it in?"
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby....and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby....and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op. The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a stimulus package work.
A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op. The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a stimulus package work.
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A girl brings a guy home from the club.
Before they enter the house she mentions "Hope it's ok that I live at home with the family..."
"Yeah it's fine", says the guy.
They start to kiss and as thing start to heat up the girl says :
"Oh BTW did I mention that my father is in the Counter Terrorist Task Force? My Mom is in the Homicide Unit and they are light sleepers."
Guy thinks : Where the hell am I...but...they resume kissing...
"Oh BTW my brother just returned from Afghanistan and he sleeps in the room next door, " says the girl
Guy thinks: Oh man ...gotta keep it quiet...
Girl takes off her top and asks : "Wanna have an exciting night ?"
"Well yeah !!!"
"Help help he's raping me !!"
Before they enter the house she mentions "Hope it's ok that I live at home with the family..."
"Yeah it's fine", says the guy.
They start to kiss and as thing start to heat up the girl says :
"Oh BTW did I mention that my father is in the Counter Terrorist Task Force? My Mom is in the Homicide Unit and they are light sleepers."
Guy thinks : Where the hell am I...but...they resume kissing...
"Oh BTW my brother just returned from Afghanistan and he sleeps in the room next door, " says the girl
Guy thinks: Oh man ...gotta keep it quiet...
Girl takes off her top and asks : "Wanna have an exciting night ?"
"Well yeah !!!"
"Help help he's raping me !!"
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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A group of prisoners is in their rehabilitation meeting.
Their task for the day is to each stand up in turn, speak his name and admit to his fellow inmates what crime he has committed.
The first prisoner stands and says, "My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder!" Everyone gives him approving look and pats him on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.
The next guy stands up and says, "My name is Steve and I’m in for armed robbery!" Again, there is a round of approving looks.
This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says,
"My name is Luke, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for!"
The group leader says, "Now come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."
"OK then. I’m in for fuckin dogs." Everyone is disgusted. They all shout, "What??!! How low can you get!"
"Well….. I did manage to do a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little," Luke replies.
Their task for the day is to each stand up in turn, speak his name and admit to his fellow inmates what crime he has committed.
The first prisoner stands and says, "My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder!" Everyone gives him approving look and pats him on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.
The next guy stands up and says, "My name is Steve and I’m in for armed robbery!" Again, there is a round of approving looks.
This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says,
"My name is Luke, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for!"
The group leader says, "Now come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."
"OK then. I’m in for fuckin dogs." Everyone is disgusted. They all shout, "What??!! How low can you get!"
"Well….. I did manage to do a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little," Luke replies.
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