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LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

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A husband and wife walk into a doctors office looking for alternative options for birth control as the pill is quite hormoney and the husband is allergic to latex.

They ask the doctor "we've been thinking about exclusively practising anal sex, surely there's no pregnancy risk there!"

Doctor replies "don't be silly, of course there is! How do you think lawyers are born?"
 
Husband's call:

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays."

"The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they they may have to amputate my right foot if it doesn't heal quickly."

"However, the doctors feel the foot can be treated and I will be OK, but they just need to monitor the foot for a few days. I'm in room 406 at Baptist East."

Wife's Response: "Who is Paula?"


And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.
 
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Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday anniversary dinner in their parents honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.

'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."


Son No. 2 arrived.

"You and Mom look great, Dad .I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.


“It’s nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived.

"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,

"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time
You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."


The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep", said the father. "Cheap ones, too . . ."
 
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A man dies and goes to hell...

He arrives in hell to find Satan standing behind a podium, like a game show host, there are 3 doors behind him, marked 1,2 and 3, coloured Red, White and Blue.

The man walks up to Satan, Satan says “ Choose a door, but beware, once in you cannot leave” The man asks “ well what’s behind the doors?” , Satan replies “ That I cannot tell you, you must choose on faith”.

The man looks to the Red door, places his hand on the knob and was about to open it when he heard a moan, he stops and puts his ear to the door and could hear what one could only assume was an incredibly big orgy, He steps back, unsure if it’s a trick or maybe the other doors lead to greater things,

He gets to the next door, the white door, puts his ear to it and faintly hears “ don’t make a wave.....don’t make a wave....don’t make a wave”..... , the man is perplexed, he looks to Satan, and Satan shrugs,

Finally he gets to the Blue door, puts his ear to it and can hear a raging party, music, fireworks and thousands of people cheering,

The man turns back to Satan and says “ this is a trick! I’m not that stupid pal, I know doors 1 & 3 are a trap, I’m taking the white door!”

The man proudly strides towards doors 2and flings it open, it’s completely dark inside and he can now clearly hear people chant “don’t make a wave... don’t make a wave...” he takes one last look at Satan , smiles, says “ DON’T make a wave huh?” And does the biggest bomb he’s ever done into the darkness...

And as he falls he see’s the people who were chanting...... standing neck deep in shit.
 
Two missionaries move far away to do the Lords work.

Two missionaries move to a far away place to do the Lords work. The natives aren't very interested in converting, and after a few weeks they are down to begging for change so that they could eat. After a couple of hard luck days of this, they finally gather enough change to buy a loaf of bread.
They both agree that the fairest way to share is for one to split the loaf, and the other to choose the piece. The first one tore the loaf, but it split in a very obvious uneven way. The second one chose the much larger of the two pieces.

The first one said "Now how can you, a good Christian brother, take the larger of the two pieces while we are both starving? If you had been the one to tear the bread, I would have taken the smaller piece and left you with the larger piece."

The second one replied "Then what are you complaining about? You got the piece that you would have chosen."
 
Choosing a new password



Choose a new password:

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces.

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password must contain capital letters.

50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes

Sorry, capital letters must not be consecutive.

IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, password must not contain punctuation.

NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, you can't change your password to a password that has already been used with this account. Please try again.
 
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot seated next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee, then the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky, you bitch!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot but forgets the man's coffee. When the man points it out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky, you idiot." Upset, the stewardess comes back with another whisky - but still no coffee.

By now in desperate need for his coffee, the man tries the parrot's style, "I've asked you twice for coffee, go get it now, you moron."

Before they know it, two burly flight stewards storm down the aisle, grab the parrot and the man, yank them out of their seats, and throw them out of the emergency exit.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to the man and says "For someone who can't fly, you sure complain too much!"
 
Interviewer: "Why did you become a pilot?"

Pilot: "To overcome my biggest fear."

Interviewer: "Heights?"

Pilot: "Dying Alone."
 
A doctor, a teacher and a comedian die in a car accident.

Fortunately, they all got in to heaven and are given an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?"

The doctor says "I would like them to say that I was a great doctor and a wonderful family man."

The teacher says "I would like to hear that I was a great husband and educator who made a huge differance on the children of tomorrow."

The comedian says "I would like them to say 'Look, he's moving'"
 
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