SunnyDays1
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Lit🌎World ©️ sunny 🌞 days 1 thread her thread
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SunnyDays1
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a journalist?
A lawyer will ruin someone's life for $400/hour. A journalist will do it for free.
A lawyer will ruin someone's life for $400/hour. A journalist will do it for free.
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.”
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location!’”
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, “Rest in Peace.”
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location!’”
SunnyDays1
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A husband and wife are having a big fight...
Husband: "I am fed up now! I can't tolerate you anymore!"
Wife: "ok then... Just push me down a well so I can die!"
Husband: "ok Siri! Find wells near me..."
Wife (cryingloudly): "seriously?!!"
Husband (realizing): "oh no! What was I thinking! I was making a very big mistake!"
Wife: **stops crying and looks at husband**
Husband: "ok Siri! Find DRY wells near me!"
Husband: "I am fed up now! I can't tolerate you anymore!"
Wife: "ok then... Just push me down a well so I can die!"
Husband: "ok Siri! Find wells near me..."
Wife (cryingloudly): "seriously?!!"
Husband (realizing): "oh no! What was I thinking! I was making a very big mistake!"
Wife: **stops crying and looks at husband**
Husband: "ok Siri! Find DRY wells near me!"
SunnyDays1
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Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.
And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.
And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?
SunnyDays1
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As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
SunnyDays1
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A guy rents a hotel room and hires a prostitute to meet him there.
Being quite shy, he turns the light off, leaving the room lit only by the faint glow of the moon through the blinds.
There is a *knock* on the door, and sitting on the edge of the bed, already aroused in anticipation, he says, "It's open. Come in and leave the light off". She enters and straight away starts giving him a hand job.
It suddenly dawns on him that this is easily the weirdest hand job he's ever had. She's tugging at it quite rough, twisting the end, literally blowing on it and even biting it a few times. He's amazed she has any customers at all.
He stops her immediately and yells, "Enough! Get the fuck out of here!"
About 5 minutes after she leaves, the phone rings in his room.
He picks it up and a voice says, "Hello sir, this is reception. We heard what just happened and we'll send another one up straight away."
"Wow! I didn't know you provide that kind of service!" says the man.
"Yes sir! Although, we'd kindly ask you to try and keep your temper down. You gave the bell boy quite a scare after he couldn't open your champagne."
Being quite shy, he turns the light off, leaving the room lit only by the faint glow of the moon through the blinds.
There is a *knock* on the door, and sitting on the edge of the bed, already aroused in anticipation, he says, "It's open. Come in and leave the light off". She enters and straight away starts giving him a hand job.
It suddenly dawns on him that this is easily the weirdest hand job he's ever had. She's tugging at it quite rough, twisting the end, literally blowing on it and even biting it a few times. He's amazed she has any customers at all.
He stops her immediately and yells, "Enough! Get the fuck out of here!"
About 5 minutes after she leaves, the phone rings in his room.
He picks it up and a voice says, "Hello sir, this is reception. We heard what just happened and we'll send another one up straight away."
"Wow! I didn't know you provide that kind of service!" says the man.
"Yes sir! Although, we'd kindly ask you to try and keep your temper down. You gave the bell boy quite a scare after he couldn't open your champagne."
SunnyDays1
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An elderly couple died in a car crash.
They had been in excellent health for years through taking regular exercise and also because the wife was obsessed with eating health foods, keeping a strict watch on both of their diets.
So when St Peter welcomed them to Heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-class relaxation facilities. The husband was particularly impressed by the eighteen-hole golf course and the Olympic-sized swimming pool.
'‘This is an amazing place you’ve got.'’ He told St Peter.
'‘And there’s more,’' said St Peter. ‘'Let me show you the restaurant.’'
As they observed the sumptuous buffet serving every food imaginable, the husband asked: ‘Where’s the low-fat table?’
'‘Oh, you don’t have to worry about things like that anymore.'’ Said St Peter, ‘'you can eat whatever you want here, no matter how fatty it is, and it’s all free. That’s the beauty of Heaven!’'
With that, the husband thew his hat to the ground in a fit of temper.
'‘What’s the problem?'’ Asked St Peter.
Turning to his wife, the husband snapped: ‘'This is all you fault Ethel. If it weren’t for your goddam bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!’'
They had been in excellent health for years through taking regular exercise and also because the wife was obsessed with eating health foods, keeping a strict watch on both of their diets.
So when St Peter welcomed them to Heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-class relaxation facilities. The husband was particularly impressed by the eighteen-hole golf course and the Olympic-sized swimming pool.
'‘This is an amazing place you’ve got.'’ He told St Peter.
'‘And there’s more,’' said St Peter. ‘'Let me show you the restaurant.’'
As they observed the sumptuous buffet serving every food imaginable, the husband asked: ‘Where’s the low-fat table?’
'‘Oh, you don’t have to worry about things like that anymore.'’ Said St Peter, ‘'you can eat whatever you want here, no matter how fatty it is, and it’s all free. That’s the beauty of Heaven!’'
With that, the husband thew his hat to the ground in a fit of temper.
'‘What’s the problem?'’ Asked St Peter.
Turning to his wife, the husband snapped: ‘'This is all you fault Ethel. If it weren’t for your goddam bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!’'
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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Why do Women and Children evacuate first during any type of disaster?
So men can think of solutions in silence.
So men can think of solutions in silence.
SunnyDays1
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So these two guys have been best friends their whole lives, and did everything together--grew up in neighboring apartments, went to the same schools, went to the same university, even got married on the same day. But, one was a pessimist and the other was an optimist. At every turn, the pessimist would say "look, we're probably gonna get screwed, so might as well accept it", while the optimist would tell him "don't say that! Life is great!" And of course, the optimist was always right. They both graduated with honors, got smokin' hot wives and high-paying jobs, and raised loving, obedient children.
But then, tragedy struck. One day, the both got laid of from their jobs, and when they came home, their apartment building had burned down, killing everyone inside. With no wives, no kids, no homes, and no jobs, the two friends ended up living in a shared cardboard box in an alley. And when it started to rain and their box got soggy, the pessimist turned to his friend the optimist and said "OK, our whole lives you've always been right; things always turned out better than I expected. But now, with all this tragedy, I just have to say, things can't possibly get any worse."
To which the optimist replied "Of course they can!"
But then, tragedy struck. One day, the both got laid of from their jobs, and when they came home, their apartment building had burned down, killing everyone inside. With no wives, no kids, no homes, and no jobs, the two friends ended up living in a shared cardboard box in an alley. And when it started to rain and their box got soggy, the pessimist turned to his friend the optimist and said "OK, our whole lives you've always been right; things always turned out better than I expected. But now, with all this tragedy, I just have to say, things can't possibly get any worse."
To which the optimist replied "Of course they can!"
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!"
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!"
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"
SunnyDays1
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The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. A man intended to stock up. At the store, however, he was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so he complained to the butcher lady.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, he heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, he heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
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