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The Little Old Lady At Service

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
 
Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.

However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Research called him into the office.

“Larry, I need to let you know that unless you can come up with something new in the next two months, we’re going to have to let you go.”

Dejected and depressed, Larry headed over to the Covalent Lounge at the end of the day. The Covalent was where the engineers and scientists from the various plants and refineries in the area would hang out and swap stories.

Sitting there nursing his scotch on the rocks, Larry notices a guy in a white lab coat at the end of the bar. Between his fingers he has some material about the size of a marble. At first he bounces the substance on the bar and catches it. Then to Larry’s amazement, the guy stretches the material to about 5 times its original length. He then rolls it back into a ball and compresses between his fingers where it smooths out like a pancake.

Larry, desperate for any idea and excited by the object’s properties, approaches the guy and asks, “Do you mind if I take a look at that?”

The guy in the lab coat looks suspiciously around the bar and then hands Larry the object. Sure enough, the material is like nothing Larry’s seen before. He moulds it, rolls it, bounces it and examines it very closely.

He then hands it back to the guy and asks him, “Where did you get this stuff?”

“In my nose.”
 
A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?"

And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!"

A few days later husband and wife were quarrelling again and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?"

Husband replied:
"I don't have to get into the water, my mom knows to swim, she will save you."

Wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us". Whom will you save ?

Husband replied: "Then you will surely die.... because I don't know to swim .... and my mom will definitely save me first."
 
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."

"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
 
A captain and his surviving crew made it to land after their ship was damaged.

They fortunately found a small city near the coast, but it was nighttime and the crew of twelve needed a dry place to sleep before they could try to salvage what was left of the ship. Unfortunately the inn was full, so they decided to go from house to house asking for quarter.

Most homes said no, but they did find one house with only one bed available. The captain decided to let his most badly injured seaman, Dick Jones, have it. After Dick was admitted to the house the others continued on their way to find someplace for themselves.

All of the houses turned the others away until they came to a large building at the end of the road. It didn't take long for the captain to realize that it was a brothel, but he still knocked until the madam opened the door. The captain explained the situation and asked her if there were spare beds available. They would pay for the beds but were not seeking services.

The madam thought this was an odd request, but she did have several beds and floor space available, and she took pity on the shivering sailors. However, she was worried about the safety of her girls if a large number of nonpaying men were to stay the night, so she asked suspiciously, "How many of you are there?"

The captain did a quick count and remembered they had dropped off one crew member earlier, so he answered, "Eleven men, without Dick."

The madam let them stay the night.
 
A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars. One day, a spaceship with 'UFO' written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flied off.

The blonde's boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

"Do you know what 'UFO' stands for?" He asks.

"Of course." She replies, "Unleaded Fuel Only".
 
A lawyer writes a letter to his wife Janie...

My Dear Janie,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset ---- I shall be home before midnight.


When he came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My "Dearest Husband" ,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old.

As a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful lawyer who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
 
Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”

Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”
 
A police officer is taking the statements of two people involved in a car accident. He asks the driver first to relay what happened. The driver angrily says “I was driving along down this narrow one-way street when this guy suddenly appears in front of me. I turn on the high beams to warn him; he doesn’t budge. I honk the horn at him, but he doesn’t move. I shout out the window at him; he’s still right there. I had nowhere else to turn and not enough time to stop. That’s what happened.”

The officer turns to the second guy and asks him “Why didn’t you move when you saw his car coming at you?”
The guy looks at him and answers: “I’m sitting behind my counter in my own shop. Where the hell am I gonna go?”
 
A girl at a bus stop spotted a handsome man and without hesitation went to him and said ” you look cute.. I like you.”…. The man out of shock simply placed his hand on her shoulder and said “My dear, this love and infatuation are all nothing. You are too young to be behaving like this. Please go home and study hard so that you can have a successful life.”

He then placed a piece of paper on her hand and said ” I have written some words of wisdom and bible verses for you. Read them before you go to sleep.” And then he walked away.

The girl went back to her hostel in shame and before she slept she opened up the paper and read thus: “Are you blind? My wife was standing behind me. Any way, this is my number. Call me anytime…… By the way, I like you too!”
 
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