SunnyDays1
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Lit🌎World ©️ sunny 🌞 days 1 thread her thread
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SunnyDays1
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Today my wife showed me all about the 50 Shades of Gray.
Then we picked one. Now I have to paint the bedroom.
Then we picked one. Now I have to paint the bedroom.
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer
“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
SunnyDays1
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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "
SunnyDays1
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A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.
Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”
“So what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.
“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”
Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.
“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”
“So what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.
“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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An Old Lady Checked Into A Motel on her 70th birthday.
She was a bit lone and thought,
“I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in the brochures for escorts and sensual massages.”
She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his butt.
The old lady figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. She gave him a call.
“Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?”
Oh my, he sounded so sensual! Thought the old lady.
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in.
“Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring a rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!! Now how does that sound?” asked the old lady.
“That sounds absolutely fantastic, madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”
She was a bit lone and thought,
“I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in the brochures for escorts and sensual massages.”
She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six-pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his butt.
The old lady figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. She gave him a call.
“Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?”
Oh my, he sounded so sensual! Thought the old lady.
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in.
“Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring a rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!! Now how does that sound?” asked the old lady.
“That sounds absolutely fantastic, madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”
SunnyDays1
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"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.
‟I think there’s water in the carburetor.”
‟How do you know?” said the husband scornfully. ‟You do not even know what the carburetor is”
‟I am telling you,” repeated the wife, ‟I ’m sure there’s water in the carburetor.”
‟We’ll see,” mocked the husband. ‟Let me check it out. Where’s the car?”
‟In the swimming pool.”
‟I think there’s water in the carburetor.”
‟How do you know?” said the husband scornfully. ‟You do not even know what the carburetor is”
‟I am telling you,” repeated the wife, ‟I ’m sure there’s water in the carburetor.”
‟We’ll see,” mocked the husband. ‟Let me check it out. Where’s the car?”
‟In the swimming pool.”
SunnyDays1
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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: ‟Jen, is the cat there?” ‟Yes”, the wife answers, ‟why do you ask?” Frustrated, the man answered, ‟Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I am lost and need directions!”
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: ‟Jen, is the cat there?” ‟Yes”, the wife answers, ‟why do you ask?” Frustrated, the man answered, ‟Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I am lost and need directions!”
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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A dragon appears and burns down a village...
So, the inhabitants of the another village across the river plead with Sir Roland, a mighty knight, to come and slay the beast.
Sir Roland dons his best plate, arms himself with his finest weapons, and rides out to battle the dragon. He comes to the area where the beast was last seen, and finds a great cave. Undaunted, Sir Roland dismounts and walks inside. Immediately, he hears the thunderous sound of breathing that could only be made by a dragon. Sir Roland unsheathes his sword and shouts: "I am Sir Roland, and I have come for you! Come, foul beast, and face me!"
A voice like thunder responds: "No, Sir Roland, I won't fight you. Go away."
Sir Roland walks twenty yards into the cave, and calls again: "Come, foul beast! I have come to slay you, and you best fight to defend yourself!"
Once again the voice answers: "No, Sir Roland. I won't fight you today. Go away."
Sir Roland walks another twenty yards into the darkness. He raps his sword on his shield, making a terrible racket; he waves his torch back and forth, and he shouts "Come, foul beast! You are nothing but a cowardly lizard that is not worth the shit on my boot! Face me now, or shall I slay you and put the end to your cowardly existence!"
The voice sighs and responds: "Fine, Sir Roland. I shall fight you on one condition."
"And what is that?" Asks the valiant knight.
"Sir Roland, get the fuck out of my asshole."
So, the inhabitants of the another village across the river plead with Sir Roland, a mighty knight, to come and slay the beast.
Sir Roland dons his best plate, arms himself with his finest weapons, and rides out to battle the dragon. He comes to the area where the beast was last seen, and finds a great cave. Undaunted, Sir Roland dismounts and walks inside. Immediately, he hears the thunderous sound of breathing that could only be made by a dragon. Sir Roland unsheathes his sword and shouts: "I am Sir Roland, and I have come for you! Come, foul beast, and face me!"
A voice like thunder responds: "No, Sir Roland, I won't fight you. Go away."
Sir Roland walks twenty yards into the cave, and calls again: "Come, foul beast! I have come to slay you, and you best fight to defend yourself!"
Once again the voice answers: "No, Sir Roland. I won't fight you today. Go away."
Sir Roland walks another twenty yards into the darkness. He raps his sword on his shield, making a terrible racket; he waves his torch back and forth, and he shouts "Come, foul beast! You are nothing but a cowardly lizard that is not worth the shit on my boot! Face me now, or shall I slay you and put the end to your cowardly existence!"
The voice sighs and responds: "Fine, Sir Roland. I shall fight you on one condition."
"And what is that?" Asks the valiant knight.
"Sir Roland, get the fuck out of my asshole."
SunnyDays1
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A guy one day goes to a museum that has a dinosaur exhibit.
He spends a few hours wandering around and admiring the skeletons of a variety of dinosaur species. At one point he stops in front of particular exhibit trying to get some sense of its actual size and age of this magnificent creature. He notices not too far from him a museum worker and says to him, "Quite a beast. I wonder how old it is."
The museum worker points to the dinosaur skeleton and says, "This one? This one is 70 million years old and six months."
"Wow," the guy says. "That is pretty specific. How can they be that accurate?"
"Well," the museum worker replies. "This one was 70 million years old when I started working here, and that was six months ago."
He spends a few hours wandering around and admiring the skeletons of a variety of dinosaur species. At one point he stops in front of particular exhibit trying to get some sense of its actual size and age of this magnificent creature. He notices not too far from him a museum worker and says to him, "Quite a beast. I wonder how old it is."
The museum worker points to the dinosaur skeleton and says, "This one? This one is 70 million years old and six months."
"Wow," the guy says. "That is pretty specific. How can they be that accurate?"
"Well," the museum worker replies. "This one was 70 million years old when I started working here, and that was six months ago."
SunnyDays1
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So this farmhand from a very small and remote town decides it would be good to go and learn soms modern skills on a big, modern farm...
He was raised in a very basic manner and a lot of modern things like microwaves, refrigerators etc. were new to him.
When he found a big modern farm he moved there and installed himself in his room. This room was so much better than his old room back home.... He even had his own shower.
Even that was new to him. That is why the first time he took a shower he got confused with the red and blue knobs and burnt his genitals pretty bad. In blind panic and screaming out of agony he ran across the farm in search for relief.... when he finally found a big barrel of milk he hung his private parts in the milk barrel to cool off. After a minute he looked up and saw the farm maid standing in the door looking at him with her eyes wide open.
''have you never seen a penis before? '' he asked her ...
''sure' she said. ''I just never knew how they were filled."
He was raised in a very basic manner and a lot of modern things like microwaves, refrigerators etc. were new to him.
When he found a big modern farm he moved there and installed himself in his room. This room was so much better than his old room back home.... He even had his own shower.
Even that was new to him. That is why the first time he took a shower he got confused with the red and blue knobs and burnt his genitals pretty bad. In blind panic and screaming out of agony he ran across the farm in search for relief.... when he finally found a big barrel of milk he hung his private parts in the milk barrel to cool off. After a minute he looked up and saw the farm maid standing in the door looking at him with her eyes wide open.
''have you never seen a penis before? '' he asked her ...
''sure' she said. ''I just never knew how they were filled."
SunnyDays1
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A tribal man stumbled upon a bunch of black rocks. Upon closer inspection, he realizes that these aren’t just normal rocks, but instead magic rocks. The magic rocks awoke and said to him,
“You have found the magic coals of ancient times. We will give you great power, but if we are harmed in any way, we will inflict that harm unto you.”
The man is surprised but decides to take the coals with him back to the tribe. He brings it to the elders and they discuss what to do with them. However, one elder decides that he doesn’t believe this story of magic coals. He decides that in order to test this, they will attack the coals with spears.
And so, the coals were attacked. The man fell down screaming in agony.
To summarize this story, the man collapsed after being jabbed in the tested coals.
“You have found the magic coals of ancient times. We will give you great power, but if we are harmed in any way, we will inflict that harm unto you.”
The man is surprised but decides to take the coals with him back to the tribe. He brings it to the elders and they discuss what to do with them. However, one elder decides that he doesn’t believe this story of magic coals. He decides that in order to test this, they will attack the coals with spears.
And so, the coals were attacked. The man fell down screaming in agony.
To summarize this story, the man collapsed after being jabbed in the tested coals.
SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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SunnyDays1
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