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An American man gets married to a British woman.

Before the big night, his father tells him: "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation

And finally I want you to take of your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation."

After the big night, the father asks his son: "So how was it ?"

Son: "Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation"

Father: "Good!"

Son: "Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation"

Father: "Yeah!"

Son: "And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation"

Father: "Very Good! And then what did you do ?"

Son: "I jacked off in front of her"

Father: "What ? Why would you do that for ?"

Son: "To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!"
 
There was once an actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and could no longer remember his lines.

After many years, he finds himself in the St. John's Theatre in Newfoundland, where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he was practising his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just his thumb and one finger he delivered the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

“You bloody fool!” he cried! “You have ruined me!”

The actor was bewildered! “What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!"
 
A magician was working on a cruise ship out at sea.

The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood he started shouting out in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything because it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank.

The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean along with the parrot.

They stared at each other with disgust, but did not utter a word.

This went on for several days.



Finally, after a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
 
An old man is dying and he tells his wife he wants to be buried at sea.

When he passes, his widow decides to ask her sister to go to the beach with her to fulfill her late husbands request. They rent a boat and go out about 100 yards from the shore. The widow's sister asks "is it deep enough yet?". The widow gets in and the water is only up to her waste. She replies "Not deep enough, we'll have to go out farther".

They go out a little farther and again the sister asks "Is it deep enough now?". The widow gets in and the water is now up to her neck. She says "No, still not deep enough".

They go out farther and the widow gets in the water again. She disappears for about 30 seconds before finally coming back up. "Okay, it is deep enough now.", she says, "Hand me the shovel."
 
A proctologist fed up with his job decided to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a diesel mechanic.

He decides to enroll in a course at the local community college to learn the basics. He’s a talented student. Before he knows it, he’s acing all of the paper exams and quizzes.

At the final evaluation, the proctologist is asked to apply what he learned by completely disassembling, rebuilding, and reassembling a motor from stem to stern. The instructor, astounded, checks his work and gives him 200 points on the assessment.

Confused, he asks the instructor, “Sir, the exam was only worth 100. Why did you give me so much extra credit?”

The instructor replies, “You got 50 for perfectly tearing it down, 50 for putting the thing back together perfectly, and an extra 100 for doing it all through the tailpipe!”
 
A man goes to a psychiatrist complaining of insomnia...

He says "Doc, I just can't sleep! The first half of the night I dream that I'm pushing a train from New York to L.A, and the second half of the night I dream that I'm pushing the train back, From L.A to New York! I wake up every morning exhausted". The psychiatrist, taking notes, nods and says "I understand. Here's what we'll do, to help take the burden off you, I'll help you push the train during the second half of the night" and sends the man on his way.

His next patient also complains of insomnia. "Doc, I just can't sleep! The first half of the night I dream that I'm making love with a blonde, and the second half of the night I'm making love with a brunette. Every morning I wake up completely exhausted." The psychiatrist, still taking notes, responds "Alright. Here's what we'll do. I'll sleep with the blonde so you can take a break for half the night." The second man objects "I'm much more attracted to the blonde, could you take the brunette instead?"

"During the second half of night, I'm afraid I can't. I'm helping push a train to New York."
 
The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environment is very hot and no overtime is paid.
5. I work in dark and damp environments without any air.
6. I don't have any holidays, celebration leaves or annual vacations.
7. I have no social security despite the fact that I have a high risk of contracting a disease during work.

Therefore, I kindly submit this request for your evaluation."

The management board discussed his request and responded as such:

"Dear Penis, we have assessed your request for a raise but unfortunately it is declined due to reasons listed below:

1. You cannot work for straight 8 hours without any pause.
2. You sometimes leave the premises before your job is done.
3. You act on your own accord and you sometimes take more interest in others' workplaces rather than your own.
4. You do not wear equipment when you work and you object to the notion when you are reminded of it.
5. You cannot start working on your own, you always require incentive and motivation.
6. You leave a dirty mess behind you when your work is done.
7. You get tired very easily and you sleep for hours, sometimes days.
8. You get picky about the job to be done and decline doing job offers, you act maladjusted to company's wishes.
9. You are rendered unable to work before 60 years old.

And also as a side note, the fact that you are always seen with two balls makes you look like a weirdo."
 
After leaving left work Friday afternoon, George stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and blew his entire paycheck.

When he finally came home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied “That would be fine with me".

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Sunday.
 
Last edited:
At the reading of his last will,
The old man's nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and
a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak.

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments
between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices
over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on
Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings,
and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:

"Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.

The wife replies, “The asshole has a paper route".
 
The Witch Doctor

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123," and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
 
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