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LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

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A woman walked by a pet shop on the way to work

A parrot in the window looks at her and says "you're ugly". The woman immediately complains to the shop owner and he promises he will talk to the parrot about his rude behavior.

The next day as she's walking past the pet shop it happens again - the parrot looks at her and says "you're ugly!" Again she complains to the shop owner - he is very angry with his bird and promises that he will handle the situation and it will not happen again.

The next day on her way to work she hesitantly approaches the shop on the sidewalk. As she comes into view the parrot looks at her, cocks his head and says "you know".
 
Caught in a Wind Storm

“A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.

She was bracing herself by holding a light post with one hand, and she was holding her hat snugly against her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.

The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, everybody is taking a look at what you've got. Don't you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"

"Look here, Sonny - what these people are looking at is 85 years old, but the HAT is BRAND NEW!”
 
A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole full of sewage.

He starts cursing and storms out of the outhouse.

His buddy looks at him and asks “what’s wrong? What happened??”

“Well I was in there taking a dump and a goddamn dollar bill fell out my pocket and down into the shit hole! Look!!”

So the two hillbillies look down into the open septic tank, and sure enough, on top of years of turds, is his clean, crisp, dollar bill.

“Well, hell man, what you gonna do??” His friend asks.

He replies “you got a twenty dollar bill on you??”

Baffled, his buddy admits he does, opens his wallet and give his friend $20. His friend takes the $20 bill and throws it down into the outhouse hole where it falls about ten feet and lands on the soggy mountain of shit, right next to the dollar bill.

“Now why the hell did you go and do that??!! You took my perfectly good $20 bill and threw it on down the goddamn shit hole!!! Why’d you do that!?”

The hillbilly looks at him and snorts:
“well I ain’t goin down in all that shit for only a dollar!”
 
A man finds job as a road painter and the first week he paints 15km (9.3 miles) of the road. His boss congratulates him for being the best employee.

The next week he suddenly changes to 10 km (6.2 miles) his boss doesn't say anything but is a bit worried. The third week he only paints 5km (3.1) so his boss says "alright i've had enough of your incompetence either you explain why you're painting less every week or you can go find another job."

The painter then replies "I don't know boss but the can of paint is always further away each time I paint the road and I have to walk back to the can".
 
The young male race horse came from a long line of winners and did wonderfully in workouts. In actual races, however, he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be neutered.

The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in workouts, and found to do as well as ever.
The day of the race came and he only went about ten paces before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.

"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"

"Yeah, well how would you feel," replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!’”
 
A pastor's wife was pregnant, and he asked his congregation for a pay raise... they took a vote, and decided that every time a pastor had a child, their pay would be increased.

After the preacher's 6th child, the congregation began to get uneasy about the pastor's high pay rate. They met to have another vote....

The pastor said to his audience, "Children are a gift from God, and we should welcome as many gifts as He gives"

Silence fell over the congregation until an old women spoke up from the back pew.

"Father, rain is a gift from God, too, but when we get too much of it we put on our rubbers"
 
Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

When you offer them help in finding keys, they say "NO" & instead ask you for a ride to some place. You agree & they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat & goes down on you to give a blowjob while the other one slips her hand between the seats & steals your wallet..!

I had my wallet stolen on September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 28th. Also this month 2nd & 4th, twice on the 8th & 9th, & three times last Saturday .
That’s why I’m informing all friends to be careful and be informed that Cheap leather wallets are available at your nearest Walmart on sale...
 
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them..

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, ''Excuse me, where are we?''

''This is Heaven, sir,'' the man answered.

"Would you happen to have some water?'' the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

''Can my friend,'' gesturing toward his dog, ''come in, too?'' the traveller asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.''

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

''Excuse me!'' he called to the man. ''Do you have any water?''

''Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in..''

''How about my friend here?'' the traveller gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump.''

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

''What do you call this place?'' the traveller asked.

"This is Heaven,'' he answered.

''Well, that's confusing,'' the traveller said. ''The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.''

''Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.''

''Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?''

''No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.''
 
A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.

"There’s nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.

"I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun.

The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father, and the dead chickens.

"I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.

The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.

"Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky.

Poof! A magical fairy appears out of thin air.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the chickens," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not, I get to kill you."

The boy fucks her 2 times in a row and he dies.

The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the fairy. She gives him the same offer as his brother.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the chickens," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not, I get to kill you."

The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.

The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the chickens," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?"

The fairy thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and grant you fortune.

The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?"

She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, grant you fortune, and give you a mansion."

The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?"

She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and ensure that your family bloodline remains rich for the next generations to come."

The son says, "Wait, how do I know you’ll survive it?"

"What do you mean?" says the fairy.

"The chickens didn't."
 
A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there ages. Your legs look tired. How about I give those muscles a rub?”

I don’t think so, she says, "How about giving me my youthful looks back again.”

The little man shakes his head, "Sorry, I can't do that. But sit on that rock over there and I can work wonders on those calves.”

She declines. "How about making me slimmer, with some curves in the right places?"

"Sorry, no can do." he replies, "But how about a relaxing shoulder rub?"

“How about finding me a caring, thoughtful, handsome man, then?”

"I can’t do that either, but my back rubs are just delightful,” he offers.

Annoyed she gives him a glare, "What is it with you? I ask 3 wishes, you can't grant any. What kind of a genie are you?"

"Hey, who said I'm a genie?" says the little man, "I'm a massage in a bottle."
 
A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.

The manager showed up and explained that the hotel "has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," the old woman said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," he replied.

The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.

"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," he said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

The manager replied, "Well, we have them, and you could have."

Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, "But I didn't use it!"

The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.

The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00," he said.

"That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," the old lady replied.

"But I didn't!" the manager shouted.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
 
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.
 
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