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One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
 
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey.

The shop owner points to 3 identical looking monkeys on a perch and says the monkey on the left cost $ 500.00

"Why does that one cost so much? " asked the shopper.

The owner says well "the monkey knows how to use a computer."

The man then asks about the next monkey and was told that this one cost $1000.00,…

"because it can do everything the other monkey can do plus he knows the Unix operating system."

Naturally the increasingly startled man asks about the third monkey to be told that it costs $ 2000.00

Needles to say this begs the question.

"What can it do?"

To which the owner replies:

“To be honest I have never seen him do a thing but the other two call him BOSS.”
 
A tribal chief down on his luck decided to marry off his three daughters

For in those days suitors paid a bridal price, and the chief thought he could live off what his daughters would fetch him, and at the same time ensure that his children would be secure and provided for.

Now, it was a point of rivalry between the girls to see who would fetch the best price among them for their father. After arguing about it for days, they would finally see who was worth the most.

The eldest was first, and was the most beautiful of the three. Her prospective groom came forward and presented her father with a gorgeous she-cow, sleek and fat, the pride of the valley's herds.

The second daughter was not so comely, but handsome in her own right, and when her suitor came forward, he offered the father a likely looking young goat, strong and lively, a fine prize for any household.

The third daughter stepped forward. Her future husband took one look at her and then presented a single scrawny chicken, the saddest, sorriest thing anyone had ever seen, with most of its feathers gone, walked with a limp, and only had one eye.

The third daughter was furious. But before she could say anything, her father took out a huge hunting knife, leapt forward without a word and started hacking away at the pathetic bird mercilessly.

"That's right!" the third daughter hooted. "You will pay for this grievous insult to my honor!"

"Shut up!" her father shouted. "I'm trying to give the man his change!"
 
A fitness junkie buys a new bike and takes it for a long ride on a stretch of road going over many hills. On his way home he finds he is to exhausted to continue, and rests on the side of the road. After an hour a Lamborghini Veneno pulls up and the young man driving offers him a ride. After realizing the bike will not fit the young man says to the bicyclest "I have a hose in the back seat, just tie that to your bike and my car and you can ring your bike bell if I start going too fast.

All goes well for the first hour, the bicyclest is being pulled along by the car when the young man forgets about him and turns on his radio while steadily speeding up.
Soon after a police officer clocks them on his radar and calls the station.

"Joe, you're not going to believe what I just saw" said the police officer. "I just clocked a Lamborghini going 100 in 40 mile zone."

"So what? Arrest him" Joe replied.

"You don't get it! There was a bicyclist behind ringing his bell trying to pass!"
 
An old, boring married couple of 40 years were getting ready for bed. The wife felt as though her husband hasn't recently been noticing her the way he used to and wanted to do something out of the ordinary to see if he would notice. She decided that this evening she would put on the same nightgown she has worn since they were married on backwards. Doing this made her cleavage show quite a bit and she really knew he would notice and say something.

Well, she walked out of the bathroom and her husband, who was already in bed reading a book, looked up at her and went right back to reading. After a few minutes of trying to talk to him and him blowing her off she sternly asked him if he noticed anything different about her this evening. He sighed, looked up at her and very casually said "Yes, I noticed that your nightgown was on backwards" and went back to his book.

This made her happier but she was still concerned as to why he didn't seem to care. When she asked him what it was that made him notice the gown was on backwards (Completely expecting the exposed cleavage) he looked at her and said, "I noticed because the shit stains are now in the front!"
 
A four foot tall man visits the local bordello. When he gets there, he's immediately greeted with laughter and scorn by the ladies of the night, who giggled and laughed at the very thought of sleeping with him.

Finally, the madam had enough. The man had money, and his money was just as good as anyone else's. So she took him by the hand and led him to her bed chamber. She slowly undressed him, taking off his shirt, then his pants, then with a tug, his boxers, whereupon she was shocked to find out that the man was a well endowed as a horse, his member literally almost reaching the floor!

She gasped out loud, and amazed, she stared at this gigantic monster attached to such a little man.

"May I...touch it?" She asked him like a little girl on her first date.

"Sure babe, just don't suck on it. I used to be 6 feet tall."
 
In the recreation room of a psychiatric hospital, there were three patients named Jimmy, Freddy, and Sonny. The doctor visited them to check if their condition has improved and if they're ready to be discharged.

He first went to Jimmy. Jimmy was writing something on a notebook. He asked "What are you doing, Jimmy?" Jimmy replied "I'm writing a poem, doctor." The doctor smiled and mutters to himself "Jimmy is certainly ready to be discharged!"

He checked on Freddy next. Freddy was drawing something on his notebook. The doctor asked "What are you doing, Freddy?". "I'm making a sketch of my mom, doctor" said Freddy, which makes the doctor smile even more.

But then the doctor's smile disappeared when he saw Sonny standing on one of the tables with his arms spread out. The doctor asked "What are you doing Sonny?". Sonny replied "I AM THE LIGHT". The doctor, a bit disappointed that Sonny can't be released yet with the other two, calls the nurse to bring Sonny down the table. A couple of seconds after the nurse guided Sonny out of the room, the other two starts shouting and throwing a fit. The doctor asked if what's the problem, which both replied with an angry scream.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"WHO FUCKING TURNED THE LIGHT OFF?""
 
Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
“It was so embarrassing. I couldn’t get it up no matter how hard I tried.”

The second award shook his head. “ You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the fucking bed.”
 
Little Henry was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an anesthesiologist . A-N-E no wait, A-N-A no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Henry raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Henry to go next.

Henry said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 50:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "anesthesiologists ."
 
So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything but the man--freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. "So all your life, You deny My existence, yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry, My son, but it is too late."

The atheist thinks quickly. "Well, God, if it is too late for me to become a Christian, how about you just convert the bear?"

Time begins moving again, and the bear immediately stops its roaring, kneels quietly and respectfully, and begins speaking. "O Lord, bless this meal in which I am about to partake..."
 
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