Lit🌎World ©️ sunny 🌞 days 1 thread her thread

[SunnyDays1]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, ''Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?''

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
''Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.''

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. ''Honey, I only have
four hours left! Could we...?''

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, ''Listen Barry, I'm not being funny....but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

 

[SunnyDays1]

A bus driver is on his daily routine, when an elderly woman gets on the bus and sits right behind him. After a minute she hands him a peanut.

"Thank you ma'am" says the bus driver.

A few seconds later she hands him another peanut.

"I appreciate your kindness ma'am, thank you" says the bus driver, gladly accepting her gift once again.

This exchange goes on for a few more minutes. When the elderly lady finally arrives at her stop, the bus driver says, "ma'am I appreciate your kindness, I've had a stressful day and your compassion has helped me overcome it."

The elderly woman cheerfully replies, "It's okay dear, we all have our ups and downs. I remember when I first lost my teeth, I was devastated that I could no longer eat the entire M&M."

 

[SunnyDays1]

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.

 

[flint9]

merry xmas

Merry Christmas, My Friend

By James M. Schmidt, a Marine Lance Corporal
stationed in Washington, D.C., in 1986


Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,
In a one bedroom house made of plaster & stone.

I had come down the chimney, with presents to give
and to see just who in this home did live

As I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,
no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of a far distant land.

With medals and badges, awards of all kind,
a sobering thought soon came to my mind.
For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen.
This was the home of a U.S. Marine.

I'd heard stories about them, I had to see more,
so I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in his one-bedroom home.

He seemed so gentle, his face so serene,
Not how I pictured a U.S. Marine.
Was this the hero, of whom I’d just read?
Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?

His head was clean-shaven, his weathered face tan.
I soon understood, this was more than a man.
For I realized the families that I saw that night,
owed their lives to these men, who were willing to fight.

Soon around the Nation, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom, each month and all year,
because of Marines like this one lying here.

I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone,
on a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye.
I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.

He must have awoken, for I heard a rough voice,
"Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my Corps."

With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.

I watched him for hours, so silent and still.
I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill.
So I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
and covered this Marine from his toes to his head.

Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold,
with an eagle, globe and anchor emblazoned so bold.
And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,
and for one shining moment, I was Marine Corps deep inside.

I didn't want to leave him so quiet in the night,
this guardian of honor so willing to fight.
But half asleep he rolled over, and in a voice clean and pure,
said "Carry on, Santa, it's Christmas Day, all secure."

One look at my watch and I knew he was right,
Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi and goodnight.

semper fi

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/49/5b/5a/495b5abf0b2cced6880c7ee4fe442c0e.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://cdn.quotesgram.com/small/93/63/948375770-a1f0ba5470aa738eedd995041dd191a1.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat.

I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to...

 

[SunnyDays1]

A guy is driving through a snowstorm in Alaska when his car breaks down.

So,he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic.
As he awaits the diagnosis he steps out for a smoke. He walks back in after smoking and a few moments later the mechanic comes out and says to him, "um...it looks like you blew a seal."

To which the man responds, "oh nah, that's just some frost on my moustache."

 

[SunnyDays1]

 

[SunnyDays1]

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher.

She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.

"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.

"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.

"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://quotesnhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/25-Christmas-memes23.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MmQGTaJ0cAA/WjfN2eTHBgI/AAAAAAAAKNk/GwzhGhGr4-IufAoJQYNozBpKQhWLvBqNwCLcBGAs/s1600/merry-christmas-funny-quotes.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/7e/65/08/7e65081371e50cd6f9fd13a83c1a35aa--winter-holidays-sharks.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

http://www.glasbergen.com/wp-content/gallery/winter-cartoons/winter-28.gif

 

[SunnyDays1]

The Creator looked upon Adam and spoke. "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm going give you a brain and a penis."

"And the bad news?" Adam asked.

I'm going to give you enough blood," God declared, "to use only one of them at a time."

 

[SunnyDays1]

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her first child.

Fast forward 9 months.

“Push, PUSH” the midwife and doctors urged. “You’re almost there!”
“The baby! She’s crowning!”
“But... what’s that in her HAND???”
“It... it looks like...”

“Is THIS your card?” a familiar voice said.

 

[HornyProf]

I would like to officially protest the use of the epithet boomer for anyone born after 1960. Blatant ageism! I say! though i do rather like the idea of being the old man in hte wheelchair, blanket over his legs, complaining about gout and gesturing with a cane (film version old man))

Counterargument: I still write checks to pay bills, and if there is an essence to boomerhood it is the refusal to think of one's self as old.

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/6e/cf/71/6ecf715c31ada1ef5559bb979f8a81ab--funny-pix-funny-stuff.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/25/93/c0/2593c002435421e95dc5780d725200bb.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4_lq_c4u0xY/Vt7lSpN1DsI/AAAAAAAAQEc/keIwbdAAokI/s1600/asign0226.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

https://www.askideas.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Never-Laugh-At-Your-Wifes-Choices.-You-Are-One-Of-Them-Funny-Marriage-Joke.jpg

 

[SunnyDays1]

A carpenter quits his job and becomes a detective

Two other detectives on the force decide to see how far they can go before the new guy cracks and decide to take him to a grisly post-mortem.

The ME pulls the sheet off the corpse to reveal his totally naked body and the ex-carpenter seems slightly shocked, the two detectives grin, this might be easier than they thought.

The ME starts by cutting the man wide open and begins to remove his organs, handing them to the ex-carpenter to bag and label: heart, liver, lungs, stomach, intestines, kidneys, everything. By this point the ex-carpenter is flecked with blood and viscera and looks pale and sickly.

Eventually, the ME comes to the brain. He pulls out a bone-saw the length of his arm and begins unceremoniously hacking away at the man’s skull, chunks of flesh and bone fly wild and by this point the ex-carpenter is covered in blood.

The ME is having real trouble with the skull, he’s been sawing for minutes now and the ex-carpenter is physically shaking, the blood vessels popping in his neck and forehead, his knuckles clenched white.

Finally he lets out a scream and wrestles the saw from the ME’s hands, but before the detectives can congratulate each other the ex-carpenter takes the saw to the man’s skull and bellows:

LET THE SAW DO THE WORK!

 

[SunnyDays1]

An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen."

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself, I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished, his colleagues asked what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin, I was starting my speech by saying: Dear Ladies and Gentlemen."

On his way up to the podium, the Irishman thought to himself, I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished, his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying: Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."

 

[SunnyDays1]

My friend’s dad told him that he had found a way to grow a beard...

He asked him what it was.

He explained to my friend that all he had to do was to rub toilet paper on his face.

My friend asked him why was that going to work.

He explained: “well, I have been rubing toilet paper in my ass all my life, and damn it is hairy”.