My Transgender Awakening

[Gi_Venus]

Isn't it nice to meet people who are openminded and can think like that? Must give you a bit of a feeling of hope. Not everyone's going to be an ass about it.

The sad thing is me, two years ago, would've been. I don't know. I kind of like myself better this way. I still consider myself a conservative (though this test I took about relationships ranked me as a liberal looking for a conservative to marry... how odd) but I accept that there's some sort of interesting reality to transgenderism or however you'd put it. It's facinating. I've never found one to talk to and consider it quite depressing, actually. I love knowing.

Since I've read through this entire thread, I feel it might be polite to offer a bit about myself. I'm female, born female, born girly-girly, and I've slowly come to hate being female. Transgender? Not really. I go through moments where I'd love to trade with you guys--I'll take the penis, you can have my vagina, anything to get rid of the PMS and whole mindset of being a woman... XP Sometimes, I'd rather be a guy. I'll take the facial hair. I'll live with the horny-every-five-seconds. Anything to get out of the SQUEEILOVESHOPPING I MUST SHAVE MY LEGS EVERY DAY IMUSTBEPRETTY I MUST WEAR MAKEUP AND GIRLY CLOTHES AAHAHHHHHHHHH (ohandyoucan'tplayvideogamesLEGASP!) stereotype of a woman. Oh well. I'll stick with being transstereotype, though. ^_^

I consider myself very female. I've got boobs, a vagina, PMS, and the mindset of a woman: which I consider to be the emotional attachment to those around me, the nurturing, the whole 'mommy' nature (even if I'm only 18). It's there. I'm very female. I just deny the stereotype of a woman. I own dresses, but those are the only female clothes I own (besides my underwear/bras). And every once in a while, I look at my wardrobe of men's clothes... and...

I feel SAD.

Not for me. I'm happy with me even if I hate me sometimes.

I feel sad because I can live this way and no one bats their eyes. I can like video games and cars and violent sports and dueling and wear clothes with no shape. I can even be hairy and wear no makeup and have greasy skin and run towards the book store and the video game store, ignoring the shoe store and the clothes store.

I can be exactly what I want to be. And no one goes and yells at me for being some sort of demonic creature shattering the bounds of reality and OMG I AM DAMNED FOR LIKING... boy things.

No one does that. No one cares. I feel a BIT weird when, clothes shopping, I usually angle towards the mens stuff (and this is only because I've worn out the rest of my clothes and absolutely need pants). But no one cares. No one gives a damn if I come to the counter carrying a pair of boxers and men's teeshirts.

So why do they care when someone with a male body comes up with panties and a skirt? What makes being a guy, wanting girly things, so horrible? Two thousand years ago we all wore robes anyway, dangnabit! I've yet to figure this one out... why does society freak out when a man wants to be 'pretty'? Why is my dad bothered that one of my brothers would rather play piano and draw pretty pictures than jump in a mud puddle? There's a girly stereotype of pink and frills and makeup (and admittedly I like pink... but... yeah...) but girls aren't shot down as some sort of freak of nature for (le gasp!) not immediately falling into that stereotype. Heck, a lot of guys find it hot that I'll scream at the football games and play shooter games with them...

...So what's wrong with a 'man' wanting to be more female? I'm allowed to be more male. I can be as rough and tough as I want and no one's going to bloody CARE.

Anyway. I read your entire thread. I support you guys. What you're going through is hard and really not something I'd want to go through myself. Emotionally distressing... I'm female enough to know what it's like to feel that way, hating yourself and every fragment of your body, wanting to wake up and be different, wanting to be able to love yourself (and needing it, too, to love someone else...)

Hey. You have the right to be what you want to be. And if you ever need another gal to hug because you're depressed and want to talk, I'm always happy to listen and talk. And give out e-hugs. You guys have certainly had your ups and downs, by this thread. And here, have some support. It might just be one person, but you're a person too. All of you guys... gals, heh.

(hugs)

Sorry for the ranting post. This is just one thing that weights down on me. Every time I see a guy who crossdresses or a woman in a man's body or whatever shot down so much, as if they're some alien scum... you shouldn't be.

Even by those so-called religious people. Because guess what... I am one. And I don't think they/we have the right to shoot you down so much. It makes me sad. To see people mistreating other people like that. (I guess that's one of my girly traits, come to bear. Heh.)

(Which brings to mind a question--you don't have to answer, of course... but why do I never see transgender tomboys? You're always girly-girls. Is this making up for lost time? Do all transgenders take an extreme? Or do you finally settle somewhere in the middle? Being stuck in a stereotype has to be awful. Heaven knows I've been there. But I'm happy where I am now...)

Sorry if any of this seemed offensive. I love all of you guys. It's great to see people so open about what they're going through. Definately food for thought.

And (hugs) Nimbikarana. I have to lose weight too. Just for my health. We can do it.

*warm hugs* What a lovely post Noira! How could someone be offended? Thank you so much.

You bring up a good point about tomboy Transgenders, in my own experience, I am forced to compromise in my experimentation, but I feel compelled to avoid my male clothes when ever possible. It comes from the self loathing I feel from my maleness and a life that made me miserable. For instance I need to hide my breasts for the comfort of my family and old friends....to a certain extent...so I have sports bras....do I wear them...rarely! I cannot stand it flattening me....makes me look too male again. I found a nice compromise..that hides detail... a shaper or a camisol under my shirts. I buy androgenous because once again a compromise to those around me.....I still look feminine, just not ultra feminine. My androgenous look makes me look tom boyish....many of my trangender friends go for a more fem look than my own.

Really the obsession to feminize is the reason why you do not see more transgendered looking tom boyish. My own therapist is repeatedly warning me and down playing it.....it is seeking validation from those around us as to the validity of our feminity...a bad move...as this makes us vulnerable and it makes us focus on the superficial aspects of transition....*grin* okay I know that is offensive to some of you.... but it is what it is.... being a woman is allowing what is natural to develope ....the female brain...imposing ideals upon it is as fake as the male roles we attempted to play.

Lol I love validation My dang therapist is always slapping me down. but with my gift of clarity, I can see he is right...but I still love men opening doors for me and offering to carry things....maming me this and that.. Sigh!

Hey Noira..... we love you too

 

[Gi_Venus]

Noira,

Yeah, I know how you feel. *grins* I play video games (WoW addict along with a few other things) and watch baseball, yelling at my team to do better. I'm not 'butch' but I'm not 'femme' either.

Stereotypes happen in either gender, either path of life (lesbian/straight). I hate stereotypes actually. They set up a lot for bigotry and stupidity.

You see a lot of it in Transgendered too. People stop and think negative things because they don't know about it and follow the stereotypes. It wasn't until I met Gia and Tiffany that I started to learn more about it. It's really helped to rip off the blinders.

I was a supporter for TG but was more quiet until I learned about it. *grins* Now Gia can't get me out of cheerleader mode! LOL

oh god yes without my cheerleaders I would be a molten mess of yuch Annie got the phone call again today..."Annie tell me to breathe!" "Breathe Gi....breathe!" Any of yall do cardiac resucitation out there? if this keeps up......

 

[Gi_Venus]

Well, the thing is, that transgendered people almost always have to worry about "being read", so they often try to push as far into feminine territory in an attempt to minimize that happening.

"Being Read" is a term for someone seeing through the illusion. (Seeing you as a man in a frock, as some people put it.)

There might be a few "hidden females" in the male group, who would still act like guys, but it is kinda rare, cause usually if they want to "act like guys" they just do it.

There's also another interesting fact, that transsexual girls often "look better" than natural girls. The reason being that "we" often put a LOT more effort into looking feminine than many natural girls do, hence, we end up being more attractive. We also have far more to compensate for on average.

The occasional "sir" sends me into a funk I can tell you. lol but believing in Ones own feminine nature without outside validation is best and healthier...

I was discussing this with a transgender friend the other day, there are those of us that can never be passable...with strong male traits that would take many thousands of dollars of reconstruction to fix...and for those of limited means this is not an option, it is very important to accept the idea of "gender queer" especially if one falls into this category. One has to believe in oneself for to seek your identity in everyone elses reality is to not have one. You are as feminine as you feel.....not look I think is the best course.....*grin* now were is my make up! We are complex creatures after all.

 

[Nimbikarana]

There's also another interesting fact, that transsexual girls often "look better" than natural girls. The reason being that "we" often put a LOT more effort into looking feminine than many natural girls do, hence, we end up being more attractive. We also have far more to compensate for on average.

Are you for real? A lot of the tg pics i see, the cheekbone and chin structure is still obviously male, they don't pass at all.


OTOH if what you say is true... god that would be wonderful.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Are you for real? A lot of the tg pics i see, the cheekbone and chin structure is still obviously male, they don't pass at all.


OTOH if what you say is true... god that would be wonderful.

Rana it depends on the individual, hormones do reshape the face and soften certain features over time. I have been told I have very feminine features... when I look in the mirror a woman does look back at me these days. The hormones have changed me. But I am one who does not have strong male features other than the Hairy icky.... never mind.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Why is it that people forget I am a human being and not a piece of meat.
I am not an indulgence, a thing for your pleasure, I'll not wrap myself in your depravity unless I care about you. So Fuck off! I only act from love.

 

[bhg08054]

The first thought that comes to mind after reading this thread is:

You Go Girl!​

I wish you much luck in fully becoming yourself in body as well as mind.

 

[Elengil]

wow, bhg08054 has hair about as long as mine (but much better taken care of, and less mischievous)

 

[CA_Irishpilot]

Why is it that people forget I am a human being and not a piece of meat.
I am not an indulgence, a thing for your pleasure, I'll not wrap myself in your depravity unless I care about you. So Fuck off! I only act from love.

Or act as if you are defective in some way.

I like to think that we all need to be who we should be. As I know I am not who I should be, and time will take care of that.


I agree with your f*** off part. The hell with them.


~ IrishPilot

 

[Nimbikarana]

Hey you can say FUCK you know. It's okay. In fact, it's sorta fun!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

 

[CA_Irishpilot]

Hey you can say FUCK you know. It's okay. In fact, it's sorta fun!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

HEHEHE, true true...

I am just not one to cuss alot...



~IrishPilot

 

[Gi_Venus]

Or act as if you are defective in some way.

I like to think that we all need to be who we should be. As I know I am not who I should be, and time will take care of that.


I agree with your f*** off part. The hell with them.


~ IrishPilot

Thank you Irish

 

[Gi_Venus]

Hey you can say FUCK you know. It's okay. In fact, it's sorta fun!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Rana, you go girl! lol

 

[Gi_Venus]

Learning to interact with people as me is all so different,
Fascinated with the effect that I have with people, men in particular,
A delicious sense of power with the realization that I am desired....
Like a young girl coming into maturity, the flirt, the power of the smile,
a recapture of innocence, and the power of alluring sexuality. But that alone is not what I desire if at all, why do I do this dance? The potential of intimacy and closeness, maybe...maybe in this dance and deeper connection or bond.

For me, this is mostly stolen, I cannot be a young girl, I was not allowed to live and to develope in such a way, I was forced to live the role of a young man, such innocence was not allowed me, it was male coarseness and a lack of social interaction. Still in my distorted way I tried to be me without knowing me, my interactions awkward and wrong in the context of a male. Had I been acting as a woman much of this would have been right and natural, but my social actions were such that those around me felt ill at ease. I learned to repress and hide myself and became more and more unhappy. Through time many that I knew drifted away none sought me out....me in my damaged self esteem did not seek them out...all part of the downward spiral which would eventually lead to my rebirth.

 

[Elengil]

Found a wonderful story on FictionMania that fits in here

Snow Bunny

 

[JerseyDreams]

Isn't it nice to meet people who are openminded and can think like that? Must give you a bit of a feeling of hope. Not everyone's going to be an ass about it.

The sad thing is me, two years ago, would've been. I don't know. I kind of like myself better this way. I still consider myself a conservative (though this test I took about relationships ranked me as a liberal looking for a conservative to marry... how odd) but I accept that there's some sort of interesting reality to transgenderism or however you'd put it. It's facinating. I've never found one to talk to and consider it quite depressing, actually. I love knowing.

Since I've read through this entire thread, I feel it might be polite to offer a bit about myself. I'm female, born female, born girly-girly, and I've slowly come to hate being female. Transgender? Not really. I go through moments where I'd love to trade with you guys--I'll take the penis, you can have my vagina, anything to get rid of the PMS and whole mindset of being a woman... XP Sometimes, I'd rather be a guy. I'll take the facial hair. I'll live with the horny-every-five-seconds. Anything to get out of the SQUEEILOVESHOPPING I MUST SHAVE MY LEGS EVERY DAY IMUSTBEPRETTY I MUST WEAR MAKEUP AND GIRLY CLOTHES AAHAHHHHHHHHH (ohandyoucan'tplayvideogamesLEGASP!) stereotype of a woman. Oh well. I'll stick with being transstereotype, though. ^_^

I consider myself very female. I've got boobs, a vagina, PMS, and the mindset of a woman: which I consider to be the emotional attachment to those around me, the nurturing, the whole 'mommy' nature (even if I'm only 18). It's there. I'm very female. I just deny the stereotype of a woman. I own dresses, but those are the only female clothes I own (besides my underwear/bras). And every once in a while, I look at my wardrobe of men's clothes... and...

I feel SAD.

Not for me. I'm happy with me even if I hate me sometimes.

I feel sad because I can live this way and no one bats their eyes. I can like video games and cars and violent sports and dueling and wear clothes with no shape. I can even be hairy and wear no makeup and have greasy skin and run towards the book store and the video game store, ignoring the shoe store and the clothes store.

I can be exactly what I want to be. And no one goes and yells at me for being some sort of demonic creature shattering the bounds of reality and OMG I AM DAMNED FOR LIKING... boy things.

No one does that. No one cares. I feel a BIT weird when, clothes shopping, I usually angle towards the mens stuff (and this is only because I've worn out the rest of my clothes and absolutely need pants). But no one cares. No one gives a damn if I come to the counter carrying a pair of boxers and men's teeshirts.

So why do they care when someone with a male body comes up with panties and a skirt? What makes being a guy, wanting girly things, so horrible? Two thousand years ago we all wore robes anyway, dangnabit! I've yet to figure this one out... why does society freak out when a man wants to be 'pretty'? Why is my dad bothered that one of my brothers would rather play piano and draw pretty pictures than jump in a mud puddle? There's a girly stereotype of pink and frills and makeup (and admittedly I like pink... but... yeah...) but girls aren't shot down as some sort of freak of nature for (le gasp!) not immediately falling into that stereotype. Heck, a lot of guys find it hot that I'll scream at the football games and play shooter games with them...

...So what's wrong with a 'man' wanting to be more female? I'm allowed to be more male. I can be as rough and tough as I want and no one's going to bloody CARE.

Anyway. I read your entire thread. I support you guys. What you're going through is hard and really not something I'd want to go through myself. Emotionally distressing... I'm female enough to know what it's like to feel that way, hating yourself and every fragment of your body, wanting to wake up and be different, wanting to be able to love yourself (and needing it, too, to love someone else...)

Hey. You have the right to be what you want to be. And if you ever need another gal to hug because you're depressed and want to talk, I'm always happy to listen and talk. And give out e-hugs. You guys have certainly had your ups and downs, by this thread. And here, have some support. It might just be one person, but you're a person too. All of you guys... gals, heh.

(hugs)

Sorry for the ranting post. This is just one thing that weights down on me. Every time I see a guy who crossdresses or a woman in a man's body or whatever shot down so much, as if they're some alien scum... you shouldn't be.

Even by those so-called religious people. Because guess what... I am one. And I don't think they/we have the right to shoot you down so much. It makes me sad. To see people mistreating other people like that. (I guess that's one of my girly traits, come to bear. Heh.)

(Which brings to mind a question--you don't have to answer, of course... but why do I never see transgender tomboys? You're always girly-girls. Is this making up for lost time? Do all transgenders take an extreme? Or do you finally settle somewhere in the middle? Being stuck in a stereotype has to be awful. Heaven knows I've been there. But I'm happy where I am now...)

Sorry if any of this seemed offensive. I love all of you guys. It's great to see people so open about what they're going through. Definately food for thought.

And (hugs) Nimbikarana. I have to lose weight too. Just for my health. We can do it.

I love this post!!! I could have written it myself; I feel exactly the same way!!!

 

[Gi_Venus]

I love this post!!! I could have written it myself; I feel exactly the same way!!!

Another beautiful soul to admire, precious and open to the world.
Lol I agree I hope we see more of Noira and you.

 

[JerseyDreams]

Another beautiful soul to admire, precious and open to the world.
Lol I agree I hope we see more of Noira and you.

Awww.....thank you!!!! I appreciate that!!!

 

[Noira]

Another beautiful soul to admire, precious and open to the world.
Lol I agree I hope we see more of Noira and you.

Aww, if you were one of the people in the writer's feedback board you might feel otherwise about me...

But thanks. (hugs you guys) I'm a bit shy about posting rants like that because I do get negative responses. Alas.

I hate it when people treat other people like they're just a piece of meat...

Edit: Also, thanks for all the replies to my first post! It does make sense, yes. It's harder for it to make sense to me since I've always kind of hovered between male and female stereotypical behavior and I'd hate to be an extreme myself, but if I'd been forced all my life to behave in a contrary manner, I think I'd go crazy being all ME... at last. Yeah.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Aww, if you were one of the people in the writer's feedback board you might feel otherwise about me...

But thanks. (hugs you guys) I'm a bit shy about posting rants like that because I do get negative responses. Alas.

I hate it when people treat other people like they're just a piece of meat...

Edit: Also, thanks for all the replies to my first post! It does make sense, yes. It's harder for it to make sense to me since I've always kind of hovered between male and female stereotypical behavior and I'd hate to be an extreme myself, but if I'd been forced all my life to behave in a contrary manner, I think I'd go crazy being all ME... at last. Yeah.

lol I cannot imagine being an extreme me. *hugs* I think, maybe it may be okay all one's self.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Now in this post I will impart some things passed to me by my therapist, in light that there are some out there trying to decide what kind of Sexual Reassignment Surgery procedure to have. I do not mean to insult anyone who may have already been through any of these procedures. Meaning this is not a judgement but a discussion as to complications and by products of some of these procedures. Myself I have not read up on it yet as it is a long ways away from me. But I hope that if someone were inclined they would help enlighten on this topic.

My therapist has helped many transition, as such is very interested in and has recieved a lot of knowledge on the subject. This was all told me last night.

The Penile inversion procedure(the one most commonly done in the USA) has some complications that are not well known. One the body tries to heal itself by closing the gaping hole that is present keeping the opening from closing means frequent use of a dilator, folds of skin cosmetically shaped to form the vulva and the inner lips become absorbed by the body making the appearance drastically different a year after surgery... There is another surgery proceedure that uses the scrotum skin to shape the vagina and the hole which holds up better, meaning the body does not absorb scrotum skin like with the Penile inversion technique. Most photos of the penile inversion technique available were taken a couple of months after the operation.

Another procedure being done uses parts of the intestine to shape the inside of the vagina, this requires multiple invasive proceedures simultaneously done, not desirable. Intestine oozes mucus, this mucus is smelly, Hygiene is a constant battle after this procedure requiring intensive maitainance.

So far the proceedure using the scrotum for shaping is the best bet according to my Doc.

My own reaction to all of this information was.... Ick...but yes I will need to know when that time comes. Obviously this is knowledge no one wants to talk about... I mean it is very personal....but if there are any post ops out there willing to contribute or clarify it would be appreciated.

One thing is certain that the genetic female is a wonderous work of biomechanical beauty, full of complexity and sophistication. We trangendered will never be as wonderous nor completely physically female.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Now I have a girlfriend, she is a transexual like myself, much more beautiful than me.
We both have a need for closeness and intimacy. Our dance is an emotional one full of laughter and tears. She is much more worldly than I, and is going to share her worlds with me, one of which is the night life of South Beach, that of Gucci and 800 dollar bottles of champagne. Her public persona is bright and brash, a beautiful colorful bird among the lights of the night. Privately she is soft,gentle and full of love.

 

[Elengil]

Congrats to you, and your new girlfriend...

If only I was as lucky...

 

[Gi_Venus]

Congrats to you, and your new girlfriend...

If only I was as lucky...

*hugs* thank you Elengil

 

[Gi_Venus]

New conversations with my child, he expressing interest in my gender issues.
He told me I look like a girl but I am a boy., I said not really but I will always be your dad. He said, sometimes I have two Mommies. I said yes you do. He then replied, you are inbetween. I explained to him that some people do not understand. But I am a girl trying to be a girl and I was born as a boy.
I do love him so.