My Transgender Awakening

[Gi_Venus]

You're welcome!

And no "cringe" needed about the makeup. I'm a biological woman and just really learned about 5 years ago how to put on makeup the "right" way!

You are kind cricketbug.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Things are so complex for me. I find myself single again. I do not like being alone. It is interesting how relationships are so different for me now.
I think it has always been true that I loved connection with those around me. I use to have careful preferences as a man. Now, the lines of how I have defined myself has changed bringing relationships into this same field of reassessment. As a man emotionally I was only able to connect with women, now things have changed. I am not certain where it happened, maybe it is the acceptance I felt from some of the lovely male members at LIT.
But I am much more relaxed with men than I used to. Sexually I have not been with anyone since beginning transition. But the idea of sexuality and intimacy with a male is totally redefined with me. Before I would not allow it.
Women are easier for me to connect with and that has not changed. But I am very intrigued with men, maybe it is the fascination that men find me attractive as a woman, I admit I am very much like a young girl when I comes to having the attention of someone. An absurd thought of someone my age. But most powerful is the potential of real intimacy with a man. I am powerfully drawn yet terrified at the same time. *sigh* As if things were not complex enough. Still for me it is always about connection, if I do not feel connection I am not drawed to someone male or female. For now until I can sort out other issues in my life I do not want a relationship with someone, it is not fair to them. Me, I crave having someone to cuddle with and share quiet moments with. I miss such things.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Did I say no relationships? A man is interested in meeting me. We have been talking in a chat room up until this point. Lol he called me. We chatted on the phone for about 45 minutes, I think it was like I chatted for 40 minutes and he chatted for 5 minutes. He is a very lovely man. He is into sports diving. He has some warmth. I like him so far. He rides a Harley. Gawd I wonder if I will end up riding on the back of a Harley.

 

[nbghyt56]

Did I say no relationships? A man is interested in meeting me. We have been talking in a chat room up until this point. Lol he called me. We chatted on the phone for about 45 minutes, I think it was like I chatted for 40 minutes and he chatted for 5 minutes. He is a very lovely man. He is into sports diving. He has some warmth. I like him so far. He rides a Harley. Gawd I wonder if I will end up riding on the back of a Harley.

fantastic! i love your enthusiasm and very happy for you. isn't the first spark one of the best feelings??

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Did I say no relationships? A man is interested in meeting me. We have been talking in a chat room up until this point. Lol he called me. We chatted on the phone for about 45 minutes, I think it was like I chatted for 40 minutes and he chatted for 5 minutes. He is a very lovely man. He is into sports diving. He has some warmth. I like him so far. He rides a Harley. Gawd I wonder if I will end up riding on the back of a Harley.

Thrilled for you, Gi.

 

[Gi_Venus]

fantastic! i love your enthusiasm and very happy for you. isn't the first spark one of the best feelings??

I suspect he is a romantic, which is why I am interested in him. I suspect he is about connection too. It may or may not work. He lives too far away really. So it is harder to meet during the week. But he was very lovely on the phone. Thank you nbghyt56

 

[Gi_Venus]

Thrilled for you, Gi.

Thank you Severusmax

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Thank you Severusmax

Ur welcum.

 

[Gi_Venus]

I was told not to come to my friends house as a woman tonight. Am I supposed to strap down my boobs?

 

[Gi_Venus]

Finally after three years of transitioning, I am finding others locally similar to me.
I was invited to meet them all at a bar and grill in Palmbay, Florida. I was not expecting to find biker mamas but sure enough the rough looking group sitting at a table was accompanying my friend. A group of 6 among which there was a GG(genetic girl), the rest were transsexuals like myself. I have yet to met a warmer group of people, they were demonstrative and lovely. One among them was the originator of the Southern Comfort Conference held in Atlanta every year where professionals and transgendered gather for lectures, support and networking. She was genuine and not full of herself. One was a girl, forced to live part time as a male, she was shy and friendly. One was the gorgeous one and there was my friend. Over all the group was dynamic with conversations lively and interesting. The GG got teased by being outnumbered, she could hold her own. It was too short lived for me when it was time to go. I had to go to take care of my child and they all mounted up and rode off on their motorcycles in an intimidating roar. New lovely friends are so wonderful.

 

[cricketbug]

Yay for new, accepting, friends!

You had me ROTFL on the "strap down my boobs" comment!

How were your holidays?

 

[Gi_Venus]

Yay for new, accepting, friends!

You had me ROTFL on the "strap down my boobs" comment!

How were your holidays?

Yay! I love it. it was un expected. They seem like high quality people too. Their eyes don't glaze over in the midst of my tirades. lol

I am pretty good now that the holidays are over. *grin* I was good and only modestly feminine at the Family Christmas party. Some of the family friends donot talk to me. Lol they are the older ones of my mothers generation. Next Year if there is a party, I will go all girly. My family's position is that I am delusional and it is just a phase. It is interesting how they can maintain their delusion.


Did you have a good Christmas?

 

[PatchIsMe]

I remember that phase - before I realized deep down that, going to sleep a chubby plain girl with brown hair and brown eyes, I was not going to wake up a beautiful slender woman with black hair and green eyes no matter what.

I too was a chubby child well more then that really. I was fat lol still am ! I would always pray that I would wake up thin and pretty and that everyone wanted to be my friend. Instead I always woke up the same way I went to bed. I really wanted to be like Barbie! I chose not to bring her into my home for my daughters there are better things out there! I'm still fat, wear glasses and have buck teeth but ya know my kids and husband don't give a hoot and love me for me ! It took all of about 13 years to get to where i am but i did it.

 

[Gi_Venus]

A further shift from the familiar. Abandoning an old friendship and stepping into the future. I have very few peers from my past now. It is at once saddening and freeing. The abandonment of personal dynamics of my past. Gianna is more so. Can I fly? *sigh* I hope so.

 

[HoleInMyHead]

I was reading over your thought some, and thought that I would throw in my own thoughts.

To be honest, I really did not get the transgender 'thing', until recently. There were two BBC Reveals shows that helped. One was about a girl whose two mothers were both transgender. The other was about a royal marine who had gone through the change. Both shows were happy, and sad. Both moved me.

I am not sure why it was so hard for me to "get" it.

In college, I had lesbian friends. I lived with a married gay couple for awhile after college. I would hang out with them and their friends. One actually called me their first "male fag hag".

I remember in sixth grade, after reading The Land Of Oz, having fantasies about being able to change genders. In that story Tip, a boy, discovers that he is really Ozma, queen of Oz. He was made into a boy, when still an infant, by the evil witch Mombi, to hide his identity. The book says he found it weird being a girl, at first, but after a while he grew used to it. As the series goes on, Ozma becomes the sweetheart of the series.

I would have daydreams about walking into the girls restroom as a boy, and changing into a girl. I even wondered if boys would like me.

I remember in high school shopping for clothing with my little brother, a "tough guy" (no shit... muscles and covered in art). I was looking at some slacks, and feeling the material. I said "these are so pretty". He hissed at me to shut up, or people would think we were lovers.

My mother sat me down over my wardrobe. I loved Jon Pertwee's ruffled shirts, in Dr. Who. I wanted to wear pretty clothing. It did not have to be female, but it needed to be.... pretty. She said "NO, you have different look! Your look is a nice outdoorsy look."

I, being confused and a Mama's boy, took that to heart, and started to dress in grunge.

Now I find myself as a married adult, with children. I am not gay. I like having a penis and do not wish to cross-dress. Still, there is a very feminine side to me that has been supressed, for years, unless I am around those I love and trust.

I liked being around gay men, because they did not look at me strange for wanting to watch Notting Hill, or for commenting that an actress looked terrible in a dress. Sometimes, I think being gay would have been easier, but I just do not have those feelings. It does not repulse me. It is beautiful, but not for me.

My "other side" comes out in my story writing. I write for female characters so easily, but the male voice comes to me only after a struggle.

Why do I share this? I share it because I, of all people, who are still 'straight' and 'happy with my gender', should have been able to get it. Until recently, I still looked at transgenders in the way the rest of society did. Why did it take me so long to get it, when there is a strong part of me that resonates with it?

This is the struggle then. If those of us who are "different" have trouble with it, then how will the 'mundanes' cope?

I wish for you patience, love, courage, hope and acceptance. I apologize for not understanding for so long. I will pray for you, and for the cause of all who suffer because of bigotry and fear. God bless you. You are a beautiful person and a grand lady.

 

[Gi_Venus]

I was reading over your thought some, and thought that I would throw in my own thoughts.

To be honest, I really did not get the transgender 'thing', until recently. There were two BBC Reveals shows that helped. One was about a girl whose two mothers were both transgender. The other was about a royal marine who had gone through the change. Both shows were happy, and sad. Both moved me.

I am not sure why it was so hard for me to "get" it.

In college, I had lesbian friends. I lived with a married gay couple for awhile after college. I would hang out with them and their friends. One actually called me their first "male fag hag".

I remember in sixth grade, after reading The Land Of Oz, having fantasies about being able to change genders. In that story Tip, a boy, discovers that he is really Ozma, queen of Oz. He was made into a boy, when still an infant, by the evil witch Mombi, to hide his identity. The book says he found it weird being a girl, at first, but after a while he grew used to it. As the series goes on, Ozma becomes the sweetheart of the series.

I would have daydreams about walking into the girls restroom as a boy, and changing into a girl. I even wondered if boys would like me.

I remember in high school shopping for clothing with my little brother, a "tough guy" (no shit... muscles and covered in art). I was looking at some slacks, and feeling the material. I said "these are so pretty". He hissed at me to shut up, or people would think we were lovers.

My mother sat me down over my wardrobe. I loved Jon Pertwee's ruffled shirts, in Dr. Who. I wanted to wear pretty clothing. It did not have to be female, but it needed to be.... pretty. She said "NO, you have different look! Your look is a nice outdoorsy look."

I, being confused and a Mama's boy, took that to heart, and started to dress in grunge.

Now I find myself as a married adult, with children. I am not gay. I like having a penis and do not wish to cross-dress. Still, there is a very feminine side to me that has been supressed, for years, unless I am around those I love and trust.

I liked being around gay men, because they did not look at me strange for wanting to watch Notting Hill, or for commenting that an actress looked terrible in a dress. Sometimes, I think being gay would have been easier, but I just do not have those feelings. It does not repulse me. It is beautiful, but not for me.

My "other side" comes out in my story writing. I write for female characters so easily, but the male voice comes to me only after a struggle.

Why do I share this? I share it because I, of all people, who are still 'straight' and 'happy with my gender', should have been able to get it. Until recently, I still looked at transgenders in the way the rest of society did. Why did it take me so long to get it, when there is a strong part of me that resonates with it?

This is the struggle then. If those of us who are "different" have trouble with it, then how will the 'mundanes' cope?

I wish for you patience, love, courage, hope and acceptance. I apologize for not understanding for so long. I will pray for you, and for the cause of all who suffer because of bigotry and fear. God bless you. You are a beautiful person and a grand lady.

You are a lovely person, bless you HoleInMyHead. Thank you so much. You are generous in your candor Do not feel bad. My therapist, who has helped many transition, confessed to me that for the longest time he did not fully understand until one day the light went off. He is insufferably smug in his knowledge. *grin* , in my case he has always been right in various scenarios. He giggles when I call him a bastard.

I would suspect there are many who fall within the mixed range of gender who consider themselves one or the other. Society demands we declare ourselves for some reason. Why can there not be people who are truly mixed? Ultimately it is the individual that makes the call as to what they are. Perhaps one day we will see a time where everyone can be their true self.

 

[HoleInMyHead]

From your mouth to God's ears. ((Gi_Venus))

I appreciate your thread, and you being open with your journey. I have never told anyone about those day dreams in grade school, including my very loving and lovely wife, though she knows what I am like. I actually still get those fantasies and day dreams, at times, but they are not real enough for me to feel the need to actually do something with it, and it does not cause me pain not too. Life is good.

Anyway, your struggles have been miles beyond my worst day, and had gone of for so long. Still, it was nice to actually open up. That is why the internet is so lovely. You always find someone who has endure more than you, to remind you how lucky you have been, and to remind yourself to be diligent in searching your own soul for prejudice.

If you get a chance, you might like the Lifetime movie Queen Sized. It is on DVD now. My wife and I just watched it and it has a great message about accepting who you are, and not letting others define you. It is kind of Breakfast Club in the message, but lighter and chick litty in the presentation.

O.K., take care. I will stop in from time to time and say hello. Check out a story thread I am writing, with a friend if you get the time.





Class, race, sexuality, gender and all other categories by which we categorize and dismiss each other need to be excavated from the inside.

-Dorothy Allison

 

[Gi_Venus]

From your mouth to God's ears. ((Gi_Venus))

I appreciate your thread, and you being open with your journey. I have never told anyone about those day dreams in grade school, including my very loving and lovely wife, though she knows what I am like. I actually still get those fantasies and day dreams, at times, but they are not real enough for me to feel the need to actually do something with it, and it does not cause me pain not too. Life is good.

Anyway, your struggles have been miles beyond my worst day, and had gone of for so long. Still, it was nice to actually open up. That is why the internet is so lovely. You always find someone who has endure more than you, to remind you how lucky you have been, and to remind yourself to be diligent in searching your own soul for prejudice.

If you get a chance, you might like the Lifetime movie Queen Sized. It is on DVD now. My wife and I just watched it and it has a great message about accepting who you are, and not letting others define you. It is kind of Breakfast Club in the message, but lighter and chick litty in the presentation.

O.K., take care. I will stop in from time to time and say hello. Check out a story thread I am writing, with a friend if you get the time.





Class, race, sexuality, gender and all other categories by which we categorize and dismiss each other need to be excavated from the inside.

-Dorothy Allison

I will look forward to your visits HoleInMyHead

 

[Gi_Venus]

I have a hot tub date wooo hooo. Actually I have been talking to a man online who seems too good to be true. I have met him once in person already. I keep walking away from our interactions smiling. So what is wrong with me. Men? I am attracted to women really, so why do this. Strange as this may sound is that this man needs a loving friend in his life. Its what I am good at. Now maybe his comment about me being a perfect wife is real. lol I am comfortable being half naked around him. I like to tease him.
its the dance

 

[PatchIsMe]

lots of hugs and wishes for you Gi ! i hope it goes well and many more follow!

 

[Gi_Venus]

lots of hugs and wishes for you Gi ! i hope it goes well and many more follow!

Oh thank you PatchIsMe.

 

[HoleInMyHead]

I wish you well also. Love is about companionship and compatibility. I hope that you can make each other happy.

 

[Gi_Venus]

I wish you well also. Love is about companionship and compatibility. I hope that you can make each other happy.

*sigh* this one is not to be I think. I have not heard from him in a few days.

 

[HoleInMyHead]

Sorry about that sweetie.

http://www.sillydogs.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/polar-bear-funny-dog-death-hug.jpg

 

[Gi_Venus]

Sorry about that sweetie.

http://www.sillydogs.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/polar-bear-funny-dog-death-hug.jpg

better than if I was fully involved *sigh* I wish he had said something.
Lol I think I am too high maintenance for him anyhow. He is sweet but, neglectful in certain ways. I am too insecure with myself right now. I need reassurance.