Petty Pet Peeves

[designatedvictim]

Pro tip, woman riding your lap makes up for a bit of height difference. But I finally wised up and was with a girl over 5’9” for long enough that I can no longer recall exactly by how much. Best guess, measure the seated thickness of your thigh and multiply by 1.8 since it’s only the torso difference you’re looking at. Or subtract inseams if you know those.

I hadn't considered mathing it out, but that's a reasonable approach.

Both the original and the WIP have her on top, as well as a makeout scene... well, she starts things moving, while she's sitting on his lap, facing him.

The WIP already has too much sex in it (yeah, I know: sacrilege) so I'm not sure if I can slip in some reverse-cowgirl, where height won't matter.

 

[liliput1]

I hadn't considered mathing it out, but that's a reasonable approach.

Both the original and the WIP have her on top, as well as a makeout scene... well, she starts things moving, while she's sitting on his lap, facing him.

The WIP already has too much sex in it (yeah, I know: sacrilege) so I'm not sure if I can slip in some reverse-cowgirl, where height won't matter.

With short-short girls, doggy depends on how easily the man can climax in random positions. Some people tense up when they finish, and doing the splits may help or hinder that.

I would say if your draft is under 4, maybe 6 pages, pad it with some character development and some flirtation or anticipation of next meetings. All my WIPs are way too fucking short and as I discovered last week, trying to fix that has also resulted in me having trouble keeping the writing prompts under the post limit.

 

[designatedvictim]

With short-short girls, doggy depends on how easily the man can climax in random positions.

Well... I have a doggy session in mind. Part of that 'too much sex in it' already comment I made.

Not sure if it will make the cut, because there's also a 'bend me over the back of the couch'-scene that she asked for at the end of the first part. Not sure if I can disappoint her.

I would say if your draft is under 4, maybe 6 pages, pad it

I just hit 20K with it and, with my luck, it will likely go to 30K by the time I flesh out the last few days. (Although there's probably about 2K that will get jettisoned as already reworked into earlier bits.)

 

[liliput1]

Well... I have a doggy session in mind. Part of that 'too much sex in it' already comment I made.

Not sure if it will make the cut, because there's also a 'bend me over the back of the couch'-scene that she asked for at the end of the first part. Not sure if I can disappoint her.


I just hit 20K with it and, with my luck, it will likely go to 30K by the time I flesh out the last few days. (Although there's probably about 2K that will get jettisoned as already reworked into earlier bits.)

There's a lot of big stories that still get good rankings. Turns out the longest single chapter I've read was 70k words. I've now read it twice. I have 3 brand new books I haven't even opened. Send help.

 

[liliput1]

Alright, let's segue into text to speech complaints.

Siri pronounces "uh uh uh uh!" like you just walked in on zombie Hitler fucking your grandma's remains while smoking your grandfather's ashes.

"Seriously??" has its own intonation that almost sounds like a different synthetic voice was used.

"wantonly" is pronounced like it's the nickname for a man named Lee who sells the best wontons in town. "Oh god, you have to try Wonton Lee's food. Fuck, it's amazing."

 

[Britva415]

let's segue into text to speech complaints

Sure, why not.

"See if we can't" makes me do whatever that German word is for when your teeth hurt and your skin tightens and your pores turn inside out when you hear fingernails on a slate chalkboard or chew aluminum foil.

When didn't "see if we CAN" get fucked up? Who is responsible? I sentence them to eating chalkboard and aluminum foil salad for the rest of their life.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Alright, let's segue into text to speech complaints.

Speak on my iPhone is pretty good. But it often stumbles over ‘read.’

It will say ‘red’ when I meant ‘reed’ and ‘reed’ when I meant ‘red.’ It is really bad at discerning past and present tenses from contexts

 

[liliput1]

Speak on my iPhone is pretty good. But it often stumbles over ‘read.’

It will say ‘red’ when I meant ‘reed’ and ‘reed’ when I meant ‘red.’ It is really bad at discerning past and present tenses from contexts

Oh fuck I forgot about read/red. Amongst our complaints are such diverse elements as...

 

[Erozetta]

I know my neck is a little stiffer than most people's, but french kissing your partner in the middle of hands-on-hips doggy style? Have I seen that on pornhub? Yes. Was the bottom an ex gymnast or yoga expert? Also yes. Every single time.

I am definitely not an ex gymnast or yoga expert, but I can do this without issue.

 

[SimonDoom]

I have to confess that one of my favorite parts of Game of Thrones was Stannis Baratheon, the closeted grammar nazi.

"It's 'fewer'"
"What?"
"...nothing."

I liked that too. It was so gratuitous but gave me a shudder of nerd pleasure.

One of his very few good moments.

 

[Stanfield2025]

The author chooses a Big/little pairing and forgets partway through that one partner is over a foot taller than the other and therefore in a 69 some things will be out of reach. Unless it's really, really long. Which they haven't mentioned so far.

As an author who likes the Big/little pairing, I've probably fucked this up once or twice. Not by putting them in a 69 position, but probably in other ways. This is one of those situations in which vague descriptions of the physical acts are beneficial. Leave some things up to the audience's imagination, and that imagination should prevent things from getting physically incongruous.

 

[liliput1]

I am definitely not an ex gymnast or yoga expert, but I can do this without issue.

Are you pretty evenly matched in height with that partner or can he sort of giraffe over you? I haven't been with a short woman in a long time. Necks can be more fun IMO, and that position is a target rich environment.

 

[Stanfield2025]

On the big/little point made earlier, that's another reason why I don't bother with numerical measurements for characters, like height or weight. Locking yourself into that makes the story so much easier to nitpick when it comes to physical inconsistencies.

 

[Erozetta]

Are you pretty evenly matched in height with that partner or can he sort of giraffe over you? I haven't been with a short woman in a long time. Necks can be more fun IMO, and that position is a target rich environment.

I've done it with people in the 5' 7" to 6' 9" range since I was about 5' 3" (I'm now about 5' 8"-ish). It sometimes requires work on their part to reach me, but mostly involved me twisting the right way to make it work.

It might also help that I enjoy pain, so overextended limbs and holding my body at awkward angles were a turn on.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I am definitely not an ex gymnast or yoga expert, but I can do this without issue.

Depends on the sizes and flexibility of both partners.

 

[liliput1]

Depends on the sizes and flexibility of both partners.

My neck hates me as much as I enjoy those of others so I’ve let it go with few regrets except when other authors do me dirty

 

[OddLove]

I read a story recently where a couple went on a walk through the city, then the guy gave the girl a foot massage as soon as they got back to his place.

I'm still not sure if the lady was walking through the city barefoot or if she kicked off her shoes when the author wasn't looking.