Polyamory - Extending your family

[Nordic man]

Nordic man, thank you for writing back. I used to have a friend who was part of a triad that encompassed two males and a female. He was very happy with the arrangement. If I remember right, the 3 of them met as teenagers, moved in together after high school or college, and had a mess of children. Their home life fascinated me. They were in their 30's when I met them.

Why is it that it's normal to call another woman in a relationship a sister-wife, but I've never heard the phrase "brother-husband?" Is there a more appropriate term? If there is, I haven't heard it.

Anyway, Nordic man, keep coming back. I'd love to hear your views, what you've learned, and maybe more about what you'd want in a relationship. If you are willing, that is.

Hugs!

I have not of the term for 2 husbands, I'm sure someone has. I know it is more common or seems more common for people to be looking for a sister-wife. At least from various web sites. I can see myself sharing the love of a wife or female with another, not sure if in the same bed each nite or not. I could also see him and I being possible intimate as well, but mostly the physical attention being paid toward here

 

[Sandia]

Welcome to everyone! I'm glad to see things picking up around here. Richard, I hope you are recovering well, and I'm happy to hear you've found someone.

Nordic, have you ever been in a poly relationship before?

And Ballmidere, welcome to you as well.

Piper, thank you for posting:

I'd like to be altruistic and say that lack of passion wasn't what brought me to poly, but that wouldn't be the truth. As time goes on, I realize that it's exactly the reason I got interested in poly, and lack of passion is ultimately why our marriage failed, still.

A friend of mine said to me the other day, "Sex is a form of communication, after all, and all communication is governed by certain implicit rules and patterns. Every couple sets those rules and patterns fairly early in their relationship, and once they’re set, it’s awfully tough to change ‘em."

...

I hope I answered your questions without going off onto too much of a tangent, Sandia. I like talking about this stuff, even if it is painful for me. It's very healing. So please, feel free to ask me if you want more.

Hugs to you, Sandia...it sounds as if you need them.

Thank you for the hugs. And thank you for sharing here. Your "tangents" if that's what they were, were wonderful.

I understood the part about "sex is a form of communication," and agree completely. (What a wonderful way to describe it.) But I'm not sure about the rest of it... setting the rules, and changing them. Share more?

I'll tell you a little of my story in exchange, if you like... communication has been sorely lacking, though not through her fault, or mine. I've come to the realization that the situation must change, one way or another, soon. Thank you for starting this thread, Piper.

Sandia.

 

[Nordic man]

Welcome to everyone! I'm glad to see things picking up around here. Richard, I hope you are recovering well, and I'm happy to hear you've found someone.

Nordic, have you ever been in a poly relationship before?

And Ballmidere, welcome to you as well.

Piper, thank you for posting:



Thank you for the hugs. And thank you for sharing here. Your "tangents" if that's what they were, were wonderful.

I understood the part about "sex is a form of communication," and agree completely. (What a wonderful way to describe it.) But I'm not sure about the rest of it... setting the rules, and changing them. Share more?

I'll tell you a little of my story in exchange, if you like... communication has been sorely lacking, though not through her fault, or mine. I've come to the realization that the situation must change, one way or another, soon. Thank you for starting this thread, Piper.

Sandia.

No Sandia, I have not been in a poly relationship as of yet.

 

[Nordic man]

Sandia,
your mailbox is full!!!! you populare person you are

 

[pipercatt]

I understood the part about "sex is a form of communication," and agree completely. (What a wonderful way to describe it.) But I'm not sure about the rest of it... setting the rules, and changing them. Share more?

I'll tell you a little of my story in exchange, if you like... communication has been sorely lacking, though not through her fault, or mine. I've come to the realization that the situation must change, one way or another, soon. Thank you for starting this thread, Piper.

Sandia.

Not sure what you are asking for, Sandia. Are you asking what it means to set rules, or specifically how hubby and I tried to change our set patterns, even though it didn't work?

I think that "setting the rules" early in a marriage means exactly that. Most people don't come out and say that, but I think that when 2 people get married, they set patterns of how they communicate, verbally and non-verbally.

Again, I can only speak for me, but I know that in the first few years of marriage, I was hesitant to speak my mind when I thought something my husband was doing was wrong. That's not to say I was a doormat, if I felt that I was being wronged in some way, I'd stand up for myself, try to work through the problem with him. However, there were times when I'd think, "Pick your battles. Is this something that you can just swallow, live with. Is it worth the hassle and hard feelings you might cause?" Now, I realize I made some bad judgements, and probably should have stood up for myself in areas that I didnt. That set patterns in place that I couldn't change.

I'll be bold and give one brief example. Foreplay. In my early 20's I had very low self image, which translated itself into me thinking that I wasn't a desirable being. Because I didn't feel desirable, I'd convinced myself that my husband didn't really want me sexually, but being a man, he had sexual needs that needed to be taken care of. Through some verbal communication, but mostly body language, I convinced my husband that I didn't want a ton of foreplay, basically just "do it and get it done with." (*gasp* "how could I admit this on a porn board," she says - tongue in cheek).

Then, in my late 20s, I kind of came into my own. Got over most of my esteem issues, and started becoming the sexual being that I am today. However, the patterns that I instilled in hubby where extraordinarily hard to break. He'd come to believe I didn't like sex, didn't like cuddling, kissing, etc. All very untrue, but because I didn't like myself, I'd learned to punish myself by denying he and I our basic rite as a married couple. I worked very hard to overcome the sexual patterns we'd instilled early on, but it was too late. He and I could not break that particular pattern.

Now, you might be saying, "Oh, come on, you silly wench. How hard is it to start hugging, kissing, touching, and all that before having sex?" But there's more to it than that. Yes, we did the physical acts of foreplay, however, neither one of us felt comfortable doing them with one another. It felt foreign, it felt forced, it felt wrong, some how.

However, by this time, we were both involved with other people. What we did with those other people was what we wanted with each other. And that felt wrong, too. How could we love others so easily, when we'd struggled through 13 years of marriage to one another?

Ok, so none of my stories are brief. Sorry about that.

Sandia, hon...it's your turn...share with Piper...

 

[Richard49]

Richard!!! I've missed you, Brother!!! You take it easy, and get your strength back, you hear me? Don't make me come up there and kick your ass....

Sounds like things are going well with your new relationship, though I didn't know she'd admitted to being a sub. It's wonderful when things come together like that, isn't it?

Again, rest up, luv...I'll be sending healing thoughts your way.

\

Come on big or stay home

 

[Richard49]

Nordic man, thank you for writing back. I used to have a friend who was part of a triad that encompassed two males and a female. He was very happy with the arrangement. If I remember right, the 3 of them met as teenagers, moved in together after high school or college, and had a mess of children. Their home life fascinated me. They were in their 30's when I met them.

Why is it that it's normal to call another woman in a relationship a sister-wife, but I've never heard the phrase "brother-husband?" Is there a more appropriate term? If there is, I haven't heard it.

Anyway, Nordic man, keep coming back. I'd love to hear your views, what you've learned, and maybe more about what you'd want in a relationship. If you are willing, that is.

Hugs!

The term I have heard is co-husbands

 

[Richard49]

Welcome to everyone! I'm glad to see things picking up around here. Richard, I hope you are recovering well, and I'm happy to hear you've found someone.

Sandia.

I am to mean to die
I will live to be 180
so that even my grandchildren have to take care of me

In 1992 the Drs told me I had 5 years to live.
I think I have outlived one or two of them

 

[pipercatt]

I am to mean to die
I will live to be 180
so that even my grandchildren have to take care of me

In 1992 the Drs told me I had 5 years to live.
I think I have outlived one or two of them

Yes, you are. Bratty, too!

 

[Richard49]

Yes, you are. Bratty, too!

Who?
Me?
Never

 

[Richard49]

Another resourse

http://www.sexuality.org/polyamor.html

 

[Sandia]

Sandia,
your mailbox is full!!!! you populare person you are

(smile) If only you knew how much of it was hate mail!
Just kidding(!) (I've found people to be very friendly, generally, on lit.)
Actually I'm one of those people who loathes to throw things out. I have bitten the bullet, though, so I hope you'll try again.
Sandia.

 

[Sandia]

<snip>

Now, you might be saying, "Oh, come on, you silly wench. How hard is it to start hugging, kissing, touching, and all that before having sex?" But there's more to it than that. Yes, we did the physical acts of foreplay, however, neither one of us felt comfortable doing them with one another. It felt foreign, it felt forced, it felt wrong, some how.

However, by this time, we were both involved with other people. What we did with those other people was what we wanted with each other. And that felt wrong, too. How could we love others so easily, when we'd struggled through 13 years of marriage to one another?

Ok, so none of my stories are brief. Sorry about that.

Sandia, hon...it's your turn...share with Piper...

Piper, I'd never call you a silly wench...
And I love long stories.
And I've been dying to share my own. (You knew that, didn't you?)

Uhm, A-hem. (smile)
We met thirteen years ago, as fresh - people (?) in college. After a couple of years, I tried to break it off, but found I missed her so much I couldn't stand it.

A couple of years after that, we got married, and have been married ever since. That was nine years ago.

This is where the tough part comes in. She's a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, which has left it's mark on her - MPD and sexual dysfunction. The pattern in our marriage is one where her needs come before mine; and where, as a general rule I refrain from talking about myself or feelings to avoid hurting hers. Now I don't mean to make this sound like she's a terrible person. She's not - in many ways she's a wonderful person; warm, friendly, compassionate, etc. But changing patterns can be hard.

She's doing much better now. In fact in some ways she's happier than I am. But in some ways I've become very unhappy about how things are.

So that's sorta where I'm coming from. And you can blame yourself - (smile) - you asked! (Sorry, Piper, you've been wonderfully open; it's just that being open like this myself sorta makes me nervous.)

Thanks!
Sandia.

 

[Nordic man]

evening fellow polyamours. I hope all is well with each one of you?

 

[red_rose]

(((sandia)))

You have such a big heart.

 

[Nordic man]

(((sandia)))

You have such a big heart.

Yes sandia does...

 

[pipercatt]

(snip)
So that's sorta where I'm coming from. And you can blame yourself - (smile) - you asked! (Sorry, Piper, you've been wonderfully open; it's just that being open like this myself sorta makes me nervous.)

Thanks!
Sandia.

You did well, Sandia...and I am not sorry I asked. But I will be if I made you tell something you didn't want to. I hope I didn't force you to talk when you didn't want to.

I am sorry that you are having a tough time of it yourself. Not having been in your particular situation, I can't offer specific advice to you, but I'm willing to share what I can, if you think it will help you. Just let me know.

Hugs to you, my friend. Take care.

 

[pipercatt]

Yes sandia does...

Nordic Man, I know it's off topic, but I wanted to tell you that yes, I've heard the northern lights before. They are truly beautiful to behold.

 

[callableborg]

greetings

A term for two husbands? How about 'stress'. In my expeience men tend to be very ego/competitive where women are involved. Would be interesting to hear from someone in such a situation.

Anyhow I've read through your thread and have a sort of 'poly puzzle' on my hands. Situation with a woman which I take as love but of a frustrated nature. Due to 'structural problems' i.e. kids, jobs, living arrangements - it has been a rather patchy and un-even affair. Over time I'm sure things can be bettered but to what extent I'm not really sure.

Anyhow she seems to trying to alleviate the frustration by 'polying me' off toward her best friend. I'm not sure what I'm really dealing with here {poss. low self esteem} and am at a little of a loss as to directions to take. She is in N.B visiting family so I have a little lull in which to reflect on things.

Took forever to get this for a post. Hope it makes sense to someone.

Thanks

 

[Sandia]

You did well, Sandia...and I am not sorry I asked. But I will be if I made you tell something you didn't want to. I hope I didn't force you to talk when you didn't want to.

I am sorry that you are having a tough time of it yourself. Not having been in your particular situation, I can't offer specific advice to you, but I'm willing to share what I can, if you think it will help you. Just let me know.

Hugs to you, my friend. Take care.

No, no, no. I like being asked questions. It's just I haven't felt particularly brave the last couple days. But I appreciate your kindness. You seem like a sweet person to me. I wouldn't share if I didn't want to. You can have all the hugs you want from me.

And Rose and Nordic, thank you too. (Truth is, I was just begging for compliments - you could tell that, true? ) --I wanted to use the "embarrassed" guy here, but he just looks sleepy to me. The "sarcastic" guy looks embarrassed... but he says he's sarcastic... does anyone else have this problem, or is it just me?

And callable, I don't know about your question, but I can imagine it'd be troublesome to have two men under the same roof.. We'll have to wait to see if anyone who has any experience with this is willing to reply?

Sandia.

 

[beth-n-mike]

Re: greetings

A term for two husbands? How about 'stress'. In my expeience men tend to be very ego/competitive where women are involved. Would be interesting to hear from someone in such a situation.
.

Thanks

ok ... well, preface....
first of all , this is beth so you know who its coming from , both mike and i post under our name, so it changes

Toys, well, we eneded up , that till fall , we are ALL in an LDR, Mike is in south dakota, and right now Bob is in texas, then on to greece...

Raina , if youre still watching the thread, the way youre being treated by the theatre crowd could be all cleared up with one word or two from your husband to the right person "oh i am so happy my wife loves her boyfriend", or to that effect...

what do you call the 2nd male in a triad? i believe co-husband was mentioned, but , our kids call him D2 . short for dad two ... hey, it works...
personally , i hate the term OSO , it just seems, to i dont know, devalue that relationship so much ...

as for why would a woman be interestedi n having two husbands, well thats easier to answer, both my husbands are bi , it please them , and , like all men , no one male is a perfect lover ( sorry for bruising egos guys) , but, in our case, the one covers what the other lacks.. as for competitive, yes , there is some, but not as fierce as when women compete, at least with men its more overt..." hey , he did this and she moaned, i wonder what if i do this "<< direct quote from Mike last night.
yes it is a blending, a triad being a triad has its own special dynamics, it is so strong and so potent , now i will admit , we are all still caught up in NRE, but, its evolving... ok , i think tahts all for now... i am sure i just left tons of stuff out, i promise i will quit just lurking ...
ML Beth

 

[zetacon4]

Beth, that was a great post. I am very interested in that dynamic you have going there. You should put a bunch of home situations in a story form. Would love to hear a lot of your experiences with two guys around. I have wondered if I would enjoy having two women in an intimate relationship at once. It does seem very interesting to me. Please post many more about your life.
Frank

 

[Sandia]

Thank you for posting Beth. And thank you for saying which one you are. I admit, I was wondering about that before.

If you have two men competing to see which one can please you more in bed... I have to say, it sounds like the tension must be unbearable. I imagine few women could handle what you're going through. I imagine they'll come and offer their sympathies when they post.

 

[beth-n-mike]

Beth, that was a great post. I am very interested in that dynamic you have going there. You should put a bunch of home situations in a story form. Would love to hear a lot of your experiences with two guys around. I have wondered if I would enjoy having two women in an intimate relationship at once. It does seem very interesting to me. Please post many more about your life.
Frank

put a bunch of stories together, now why would i do that
actually i do write several erotic stories for a magazine called "Dreaming" , but not all of them are about the poly life, in fact, few of them are, its too difficult to write erotic stories for the non poly folks... and to make sure they understand , its more than just a 3 some... make sense?,
ML Beth

 

[pipercatt]

If you have two men competing to see which one can please you more in bed... I have to say, it sounds like the tension must be unbearable. I imagine few women could handle what you're going through. I imagine they'll come and offer their sympathies when they post.

I'd like to be first in line to offer my sympathies, Beth...you poor thing...

*winking and grinning evilly*