Polyamory - Extending your family

[Raina]

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[vladimir]

If I didn't get enough sleep that night, I certainly did last night. I was in bed and Zzzz'ing by 10. I love when my bouts of insomnia go into hibernation.

I don't have that problem... Head on pillow, deep breath, and I'm out...

Well, if you will forgive the tone... Duh... He loves you. He, like me probably is very protective of those he loves. Hence his concern, and your reticence. You have to try to get past that and talk to him about your new friend, what you see in him, and how you want to bring him closer to your family. I trust my wife's judgement implicitly, but I still want to know what's going on, and with whom, and how it's shaping. Partly because that intensity is transferrable, and partly because it's my job to watch her back and offer advice when needed... That's the communication thing.

Sigh...I know. It's just hard talking to a stone face, with no feedback whatsoever. However, I did bite the bullet last night, and talked to him. I started by saying that we weren't communicating of late, and when I try, I feel like I am talking at him, and he might be listening, but that I need him to show it, and communicate back. Thankfully, he was receptive, and we had a long conversation about my new friend, how I was feeling about it, my fears, and my hopes. He was kind, not stonefaced at all, and gave me some great feedback and support. It just goes to show you that when the players are all in the game, it works.

I'm glad to hear that you could talk.. Very important to all poly relationships. Keeping the players in the game, lovely metaphor... Gotta remember that... I'm also glad that my advice was sound... I know what works for me and mine, but to have others use the tools and get the job done is pretty darn cool...

Spending a night alone is never fun, especially when you know your loved one is out having a good time. You need to do what I did, and just remember that they will be coming home because they also love you.
Never be afraid to ask for what you want... I have a couple of rules for life, and one of them is this. "If you don't ask, you don't get."

You are quite right on that one. I grew up very independent and poor. I learned at a very early age to never ask for anything, including love. That was and is the most valuable lesson I ever had to learn, and I have to keep learning it every day. That and learning to accept that I can be loved.

I've an observation that most poly people tend towards independent thinking as a rule, and that if they don't, they are in poly relationships because they want to feel right about themselves and their loving of many. The don't ask, don't get rule almost always makes the independent people feel like they're imposing, and the others feel like they are demanding... Ha! I say it's just what you have to do to get the results that you want. My Primary has great affection for me, and even love, but she rarely asks for any displays of same... It's like she just knows that it's there, and doesn't need any external confirmation. I'm sorta like that, unless I'm under a lot of stress, and then I really need some confirmation... Although most people wouldn't be able to tell what form they took...

Thank you again, Vlad...you are a most welcome addition to this thread.
[/B]

You are most welcome for any insight I can help generate. hugs and kisses right back... I hope your travel to meet your new friend is safe, and that you have a wonderful time.

vladimir

 

[Richard49]

Hi everyone

I have keep up with reading the thread but personal things are happening that have occupied my time ...

No Piper U can not tell them

I will try to get on here in responds mode Sunday

to everyone

 

[Photographer_wu]

I had one for 15 years

Hey Catt!

I was in a poly for 15 years, varied in size from 3 to 6 over the years. Most of the time it was 3, MFM and it was an extraordinary experiece. I wish poly was a legitimate legal option for marriage. I'd indulge immediately! Good luck in your search...

 

[Raina]

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[zetacon4]

Dear Raina!

I really enjoy your "babblings" as you call them. That was so very informative. See, there are so many aspects to this lifestyle that newbies probably never think about. Your experience has been a good lesson for the rest of us. I am not currently in a situation for poly relations, but would consider it if the situation could present itself to me. Currently, I am working on a long, over-due divorce. I just wanted to thank you for sharing a part of your life's experiences with us. I don't have a suggestion to offer about your question. Who am I to offer any comments at this time. But I sure enjoy hearing your story!
Frank

 

[Raina]

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[Elvenspell]

Polyamorous and polysexual...

Hello, Pipercatt, and everyone else!

I am polyamorous, meaning that my heart not only has room for many, but it does not mind at all if my loved ones have other loves as well. I think the only thing that brings m to a point of jealousy is if I am excluded entirely (especially once I've been included). But that's not the point of this post.

Since Moving to Madison, Wisconsin, I've discovered that a second term also applies to me: polysexual. You see, I am secure enough within myself to allow others to deal with me in whatever manner is best for them. In doing so, I've found that in addition to my loves, I also now have a couple "fuck buddies". They don't need/want any more complicaton thanjust to have sex, and you know.. that's okay.

I know this might sound odd, but before now, I didn't think I could work in a relationship like this. That was, until I realized that caring for/loving someone unconditionally meant just that: no conditions on my part. If that is all they can handle, then the loving thing to do is not press for more.

 

[jewel_GR]

deleted

 

[zetacon4]

Re: Polyamorous and polysexual...

...In doing so, I've found that in addition to my loves, I also now have a couple of "fuck buddies". They don't need/want any more complicaton than just to have sex, and you know.. that's okay.

Glad you brought that point up. I would love to keep my fuck buddies even after establishing a life mate. There are so many faces of love. So many ways and depths to express it. Giving love to one person should not mean keeping love from another person. We have been conditioned to think that a person can love only one other person and exclude all others. I believe that does not have to be so for those who wish to broaden their vision of true love for many persons. I really do love my fuck buddie, but I am not "In Love" with her. And finding my life mate would not diminish my feelings for my fuck buddie. Nor should my feelings for my fuck buddie interfere with my feelings and love for my life partner. Just my simple input.

 

[jewel_GR]

deleted

 

[pipercatt]

i don't really think that we are conditioned to exclude others, but we are conditioned to put our heart and soul into commitment to one person.

I can agree with that, to a point. It seems to me that the expectation is that you are supposed to find your love, and that it's supposed to magically sustain you and your partner forever. Not so. Lots of people a continually surprised in the amount of work it is to keeping love alive between two people, nevermind 3 or 4.

It seems to me that if being poly is so natural, then there wouldn't be jealousy between partners. No one would feel left out, no one would question their partners, etc.

It's been said a couple of times on this thread, Jealousy occurs from low self esteem. If you do not love yourself, how can you trust that others will love, too? As far as questioning your partners, that's more a trust issue than a jealousy one. As for feeling left out, you have to examine why you feel that way, and what you need in order to NOT feel that way, and then ask for it. If you are not honest with yourself, you are doing you or your partner(s) any favors.

It has been brought up that those involved should be "self-sufficient," so is a relationship really a primary goal then, for the "self-sufficent" ones?

It can be. Even people that are self-sufficient need love. It's when someone is dependent on another person to feel worthy, then that person is not whole. And that person needs to get right with themselves before making the commitment to be with another person.

I can see from this post, Jewel, you are still fighting what you need to do. I hope, for your sake, that you get right with yourself soon. It breaks my heart that you refuse to believe in you, and it's only going to continue the downward spiral, and you will fulfill your own prophesy that things will work out badly for you.

And again, I apologize for seeming harsh, but I see a lot of how I used to be in you. Maybe that's why I take it so personally.

 

[badmatt]

well, what can I say

I've been involved in several polyamory relationships...

Never as the central figure, don't know how I'd do as part of the central couple, I mean I do believe it's possible to love more than one person, but don't know that I'd go seeking that relationship out.

then again, I have run several relationships at once before so who knows, I'm always interested in exploring new avenues

 

[jewel_GR]

deleted

 

[pipercatt]

Re: well, what can I say

I've been involved in several polyamory relationships...

Never as the central figure, don't know how I'd do as part of the central couple, I mean I do believe it's possible to love more than one person, but don't know that I'd go seeking that relationship out.

then again, I have run several relationships at once before so who knows, I'm always interested in exploring new avenues

I knew there was a reason why I liked ya, Matt...

*wink*

 

[toysrfun]

A few comments

I am the otherlove in a long distance poly relationship that started right here on Lit. I also have what I consider a "fuck buddy" relationship here with a woman I lived with for 6 months (she ended our live in relationship because she didn't feel as committed and in love as I was). My poly relationship is the most honest one I have ever had in my life (thank you my love ) and has definitely kept me from falling into the "wrong" kind of relationship for the "wrong" reasons.

The two things that are somewhat difficult are the fact that I don't feel I can share the basis of my poly relationship with family and friends (other than my Lit friends) and the fact that we are separated by distance. I miss being able to just get together to do something or just cuddle. I don't feel these are major drawbacks to the relationship however. It is an incredible feeling to be able to be completely honest and open with a person. Thank you sweetie!

Toys

 

[pipercatt]

Piper...don't worry about being harsh because its me who has come to your thread and placed questions of "how" and "why." You have always been pretty accurate in your analysis. If i didn't respect that, i wouldn't come back. i appreciate your insight. Doesn't mean i'm converted, but you always make sense and it is that that helps me sort myself out.

Well good, Jewel, I am glad that what I'm saying helps a little.

 

[pipercatt]

Re: A few comments

The two things that are somewhat difficult are the fact that I don't feel I can share the basis of my poly relationship with family and friends (other than my Lit friends) and the fact that we are separated by distance. I miss being able to just get together to do something or just cuddle. I don't feel these are major drawbacks to the relationship however. It is an incredible feeling to be able to be completely honest and open with a person. Thank you sweetie!

Toys

Hiya Toys!

I think it's beautiful that you and your otherlove are doing so well despite being so far apart. I find that most encouraging. I've had long distance relationships, and while they didn't work out, they didn't end on a bad note, and I am still friends with my last LDR. I've always been positive about them.

And I understand what you mean about sharing your life with friends and family. My mother (ex free spirited hippy sort) has said to me on more than one occasion, "Why do you have to be so open about it? What happened to just getting what you need behind your partners back?" *rolls eyes*

Sure, it would be incredibly easy for me to cheat. But that's not what I wanted. My sister doesn't approve, but is at least supportive. Hubby's otherlove's parents don't know, but have an inkling that something's going on. However, all this goes against their belief systems, and therefore choose the path of, "I'm not seeing it. You can't make me see it."

Hubby, fortunately, doesn't have friends or close family to give him grief. However, he also doesn't have someone that he can go to when he needs to talk with someone outside our relationship either. I really feel for him, sometimes.

 

[toysrfun]

Thanks for your comments, Piper. My LDR love will be here next week with me for a few days. I can hardly wait. As I said in my last post the hardest part is being separated and not being able to get a "love" fix when you need it. Every once in awhile I get very lonely and if my "fuck buddy" is not in the mood to see me (our get togethers are far too infrequent) then I am left on my own. I think I really need another relationship but it would have to be with someone as open and honest as my current poly relationship. That is what poses the dilemma - where can I find another someone like her - here in southern California?

As always, thanks for your thoughtful opinions.


Toys

 

[Sue69]

Sounds good,

Though I would be dating my sister-wives.

 

[vladimir]

Thanks for your comments, Piper. My LDR love will be here next week with me for a few days. I can hardly wait. As I said in my last post the hardest part is being separated and not being able to get a "love" fix when you need it. Every once in awhile I get very lonely and if my "fuck buddy" is not in the mood to see me (our get togethers are far too infrequent) then I am left on my own. I think I really need another relationship but it would have to be with someone as open and honest as my current poly relationship. That is what poses the dilemma - where can I find another someone like her - here in southern California?
As always, thanks for your thoughtful opinions.
Toys

Hi Toys,

LDR's always suck, they are the hardest kind of relationship to maintain, even when you are poly, because the kinds of attention that need to be lavished on relationships is really hard to get when you are separated by distance. I was in one for almost three years, and had proceeded to the "pop the question" stage when both of us realized that we just weren't ready for commitmnent on that level. Sex? YES... Relationship on a day to day basis? NO!.

When you're poly you get to redefine what you really need from your SO's, and sometimes you just need to be held, and that's hard when you holdee is a bunch of miles away. I feel for you.

As for your dilemma, how did you find your first someone? I'm sure there are many wonderful women in Southern California. You just need to get out and find them... If you want to start your search, limited to poly folk only, start reading the alt.poly newsgroup. You can branch from there, and if you and your SO are in the swinging scene, that can be a good place to search too. However, lots of folk in the swinging scene are not interested in developing relationships past that scene, and I've personally been burned by that intentional lack of commitment.

Good luck and I trust you had a great weekend?

Vladimir

 

[toysrfun]

Thanks!

Vladimir,

Thank you very much for taking the time to address my situation. I appreciate your comments and understanding. To answer your question, I found my current love here on Lit as a result of the stories that I have posted. I was aware of polyamory from having read the Harrad Experiment in college (I was a sociology major and even wrote a family structure paper based on the concept). As I have indicated in my earlier posts, my current relationship is the most honest, open relationship that I have ever had. I have already tried the "dating" scene (computer matching etc.) and don't intend to go back to that option. I keep hoping that I will find another someone closer to home here on Lit. but so far no takers. My current love is encouraging me in this because she knows that she cannot be "here" for me all the time and she has been with her otherlove for much longer.

Thank you for your suggestion about trying the alt.poly newsgroup. That is a good idea.


Toys

 

[Joe Adcock]

After 17 years...

of non-monagmous bliss, my wife and I have more or less embraced the fact that we are more like "swingers" these days than "polyamorists." We're both long time science fiction readers, and the work of people like Heinlein and Rimmer have always appealed to us -- we love the idea of being able to found a "line marriage," and creating a family structure that would live on after we physically depart. And because she had already had two wonderful kids from her first marriage, and decided to have a tubal ligation shortly thereafter, we never had the option to have children of our own together, and we have always talked about expanding our relationship to include a third, female partner that might be interested in having kids with us, not just me.

But over time we have found that we just are not very good at opening our relationship up enough to admit our lovers into the space we already share. And it just isn't fair to ask someone to be satisfied with ten or twenty percent of your time. I feel that if we ever do make another attempt at a real polyamorous expanded partnership, we have to meet the potential new partner together, and come to hold him or her in affection at more or less the same pace. Or possibly we could come together with another couple, another dyad that already has a lot of strength and energy so that whatever we give one another is just basically more of the good things we already enjoy.

And for the past three years, we've belonged to a very popular and pleasant swing club in the Seattle area, so we have been able to indulge our love of sexual adventure and passion for new partners without engaging unreasonable expectations to do so -- we really love the place and people, and it is hard to remember how we got along before we became members.

I think we still believe in the possibility of a polyamorous, extended family, but I think we've become more realistic about the possibility of it actually happening. It takes a remarkably strong person to see a committed couple, even a non-monogamous one, and see yourself stepping into the circle of intimacy they share.

But if you feel like trying, we'd love to hear from you.

 

[vladimir]

hello all

Hiya Toys!

I think it's beautiful that you and your otherlove are doing so well despite being so far apart. I find that most encouraging. I've had long distance relationships, and while they didn't work out, they didn't end on a bad note, and I am still friends with my last LDR. I've always been positive about them.

And I understand what you mean about sharing your life with friends and family. My mother (ex free spirited hippy sort) has said to me on more than one occasion, "Why do you have to be so open about it? What happened to just getting what you need behind your partners back?" *rolls eyes*

Sure, it would be incredibly easy for me to cheat. But that's not what I wanted. My sister doesn't approve, but is at least supportive. Hubby's otherlove's parents don't know, but have an inkling that something's going on. However, all this goes against their belief systems, and therefore choose the path of, "I'm not seeing it. You can't make me see it."

Hubby, fortunately, doesn't have friends or close family to give him grief. However, he also doesn't have someone that he can go to when he needs to talk with someone outside our relationship either. I really feel for him, sometimes.

Hi all,

Back from the dead... No really...

Piper, love the new photo AV...

becoming open to the world is a problem that everyone struggles with, and I'm no exception. My Mom, who I love dearly is wedded to a fundamental Christian religion, and while she would accept my for who I am, she would feel that it was her duty to "correct" me in my behavior. So I use the simple expedient of not telling her what I do in my own private space. My Dad knows, but cannot interfere with my or anyone else's life, having passed away some years ago... Not that he would have when living and breathing... With people I trust, and strangers and the world, I talk about poly relationships and flirt and date and live my life to the fullest.

I got another suggestion for you all... Book called RADICAL HONESTY... It's really good for personal relationships.

My two cents worth... I trust everyone is having a good time?

Vladimir

 

[Richard49]

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=71935&perpage=20&pagenumber=1

The above URL is anothet thread where they talked about how to add a third person.

Someone get over there will you post this thread also?