Sexless Marriage

[chun_gong]

I'm not even going to pretend that I have read this entire thread, nor will I profess to know the answer. I have enough mixed up problems of my own with this. Sheesh! It takes every ounce we have... lol

We have done the talky-cry thing where we swear "it will be better", etc. Each of us try and the timings not right. We go back and forth with "excuses". However, most all of them are legitimate reasons to not have sex AT THAT TIME.

Many on here have tried to place blame on one party or the other... I just don't buy it - I despise the blame game. Sorry. There is such thing as bad timing... even for months and then some. Oh, and games - even in retaliation - just don't cut it!! That is passive aggressive behavior that get's you nowhere.

In today's society, we are all so bogged down from the moment we lift our heads off the pillow until the minute it hits the pillow. Then, there are a lot like me who even spend THAT time being bogged down.

As I understand it, people belive that their partner/wife/husband isn't trying and has totally shut down... You realize that the other party may be making subtle attempts, generally speaking, right?!?

It takes a TON of effort from both sides to even begin to meet in the middle. Then, just because you have come close to meeting... still doesn't get you to the finish line. Who's to say that each party is putting their 110% in at the SAME TIME?

Seeing a counselor takes time, effort, and quite a bit of money. I generally don't believe in a lot of "self help" hooha. But, there truly is some great, legitimate reading out there.

I realize that you are speaking of a hetero relationship, however, we found a way to put our effort into each other - but on our own schedules. There is an excellent book by Dina Bachelor Evan, entitled "Break Up or Break Through". It is some pretty powerful stuff. (Funny thing, we BOTH went and bought a copy - without the other knowing. lol) This book is intended for gay and lesbian couples... but there HAS to be something out there for everyone.

Now, it's one thing to not put forth effort in the bedroom or wherever. But, IMHO, if someone won't even attempt to read a book... well *sigh* then I am at a complete loss for words. It's not about "I did this or that", "He/She didn't do this or that" - when you take it to such a base level... READING a book... there isn't much left to do... either lie patiently and wait to die, or take the necessary steps to move on.

j

After I wrote this and read it over, I almost didn't post it... but, it's my two cents, welcome or not.

 

[marymarycontrar]

If she is still mensturating, then she isn't menopausal. I'll be 49 very soon and sex has become a bit "different" in the last 6 months. We definetly need artificial lubrication for it to feel good.

Is she taking antidepressants? I took them for a while and not only did it wipe out my sex drive, but it also made it very hard to orgasm. I decided I liked sex too much to take the meds and worked on the personal issues I had that made me depressed (illness and death of family members).

I can't orgasm thru vaginal sex alone. I would love too and I have tried, but I just can't even get close. This is important for my lovers to understand this about me. I've been married 3 times. My first husband had a great cock, too bad he came in 30 seconds or less. Sometimes he would come before he even penetrated me. He had these notions about the roles of husband and wife and one of his silly notions was that if I couldnt come via intercourse alone then I was a failure. Sex with him was painful since foreplay worsened his premature ejaculation and after 3 years of no fun and no communication about it, I left him. I guess I never realized how frustrated I was until one night doing the painful wifely duty he stuck his tongue in my mouth and I bit him. My 2nd husband was a great sex partner. Had a great cock, was open to other forms of pleasure besides intercourse and didn't have issues with me needing to rub my love nub to orgasm...in fact he liked me doing it, loved to watch, was very accomidating in sexual positions to enable this. Too bad he was a liar and a cheat and like to beat on me and the kids from time to time. Husband #3 is a wonderful man with a smaller woodie, but he knows how to please me. I've never had to fake it with him. I never had to explain what I needed for pleasure, he just sort of understands it. He's a bit more inhibited than I am with sex and my drive is quite a bit more than his. I've had him act uninterested...and he is uninterested until I start masturbing in bed while he tries to sleep. It turns him on big time..lol. I do know the heartache of being turned down and after a few years of me talk, talk, talking about it he gradually got better about it. He comes from a really uptight family, very religeous. Has 6 siblings that I swear are still virgins. I really think his lack of sex drive has something to do with this upbringing. I think in a lot of ways we are responsible for our own orgasms and personal happiness. I wish that I could have been more open to discussion about sex issues with my 1st husband. But, it only took one time for him to express unhappiness and disapproval to shut the door on that kind of communication. I'm older and bitchier and more vocal about my needs and it helps. lol, you should pop a porn in the vcr, grab a bottle of lotion and masturbate each and every time she turns you down.

 

[marymarycontrar]

and I wanted to add if she can't or won't respond then by all means leave her. Part of a loving relationship is meeting your partners needs. The sex act is such a physical and mental bond. No sex, no intimacy means no bond and she is horribly selfish to not even try. Look up narcissitic personality disorder and see if she meets the criteria for this mental disorder.

This is my first post to this site and I wanted to add hubby and I have been married 18yrs now.

mary

 

[Phaedre]

My husband & I have been a couple for 20+ years and we were both virgins when we met and very naive. We have been married for 15. Sex was never the be all and end all of our relationship but it was regular if somewhat uninspiring and I thought it was enough to love him irrespective of our far from stellar sex life.

He is very old fashioned (rather prudish infact ~ he'd have a fit if he knew I posted here) and despite my requests sex involves his gratification with nothing for me. Cunnilingus is a word that does not feature in his vocabulary and the repertoire has never been more than two 'traditional' positions, again despite my suggesting otherwise. When I have suggested things his response has been 'I don't know how' and yet even with the involvement of a sex therapist for a while he still claims to have no idea and won't try.

I moved out at a point when we hadn't had sex in a couple of years after a huge run of difficulties affecting one or other or both of us during which our relationship suffered, but through marriage counselling I was persuaded that our relationship was salvageable, things could change and went back. We had sex not long after my return but just the once. 4 years ago we had sex again and then again 3 years ago. Nothing since despite my subtle and not so subtle attempts to initiate it and I can count the number of times we've had sex in the last 9 years on the fingers of one hand with spares.

I have read the entire thread and the linked one and find the comments on the whole to be worth the effort of reading. I agree that difficulties generally involve both partners and am very well aware of my part in my relationship difficulties with my husband; my particular difficulty has been in persuading DH to see that we have any problems at all, let alone our totally asexual relationship, despite my attempts to discuss it over the last year.

I could probably live without the sex (I've done it for this long) if everything else was alright but it isn't and now I find myself wanting more than I have (and being totally honest if I weren't already married there is someone else I would like to find it out with) but can't just walk away from the last 20 years without trying once again to salvage it if at all possible. And I won't have an affair.

We resume marriage counselling very soon but I'm not sure if I'm doing it to be successful and restore our relationship to a point where I can live in it, even without a sexual aspect to it, or whether it's to help us get to a point where we can call it a day and manage what comes next without causing damage to our adopted daughters, who have already been through so much in their young lives.

I'm not expecting any responses, I'm just setting this out here as part of my own journey of acceptance and following my good friend SW's advice that I should stop hiding who I am.

 

[bimori]

My husband & I have been a couple for 20+ years and we were both virgins when we met and very naive. We have been married for 15. Sex was never the be all and end all of our relationship but it was regular if somewhat uninspiring and I thought it was enough to love him irrespective of our far from stellar sex life.

He is very old fashioned (rather prudish infact ~ he'd have a fit if he knew I posted here) and despite my requests sex involves his gratification with nothing for me. Cunnilingus is a word that does not feature in his vocabulary and the repertoire has never been more than two 'traditional' positions, again despite my suggesting otherwise. When I have suggested things his response has been 'I don't know how' and yet even with the involvement of a sex therapist for a while he still claims to have no idea and won't try.

I moved out at a point when we hadn't had sex in a couple of years after a huge run of difficulties affecting one or other or both of us during which our relationship suffered, but through marriage counselling I was persuaded that our relationship was salvageable, things could change and went back. We had sex not long after my return but just the once. 4 years ago we had sex again and then again 3 years ago. Nothing since despite my subtle and not so subtle attempts to initiate it and I can count the number of times we've had sex in the last 9 years on the fingers of one hand with spares.

I have read the entire thread and the linked one and find the comments on the whole to be worth the effort of reading. I agree that difficulties generally involve both partners and am very well aware of my part in my relationship difficulties with my husband; my particular difficulty has been in persuading DH to see that we have any problems at all, let alone our totally asexual relationship, despite my attempts to discuss it over the last year.

I could probably live without the sex (I've done it for this long) if everything else was alright but it isn't and now I find myself wanting more than I have (and being totally honest if I weren't already married there is someone else I would like to find it out with) but can't just walk away from the last 20 years without trying once again to salvage it if at all possible. And I won't have an affair.

We resume marriage counselling very soon but I'm not sure if I'm doing it to be successful and restore our relationship to a point where I can live in it, even without a sexual aspect to it, or whether it's to help us get to a point where we can call it a day and manage what comes next without causing damage to our adopted daughters, who have already been through so much in their young lives.

I'm not expecting any responses, I'm just setting this out here as part of my own journey of acceptance and following my good friend SW's advice that I should stop hiding who I am.

I sure feel for you I've been in a sex less marriage for 10 years . But for different reason's . My wife is disabled and it puts her into alot of pain to have sex . But the rest of our relationship is good . So its different . You are still young and deserve to have your needs met . There are alot of guy's out there that would treat you like a queen , and be sure to meet your needs . So stop beating a dead horse and find someone that will be good to you . Just my 2 cent love .

 

[InsomniacTX]

Like the post above, I have not tried to read through all seven pages of this thread, but I did read a large part of it.

I am somewhat comforted by what I have seen - I thought I was more or less alone in a similar situation. My wife and I have been married almost 15 years now, we lived in sin for three years while in college. She is still incredibly beautiful and sexy, very intelligent and capable. The last four or five years have been basically sexless, probably on the order of two or three times a year if that much, and that sex being cold and passionless (jump on, get it over with, then go about your business - not much better than masturbation). Sex previous was absolutely mind-blowing - passionate and fun! Now she gets upset if I even roll over and brush her lightly at night.

I really miss the passion and intimacy more than the sex - just to have a heartfelt hug or kiss again would be great. I have tried to talk about this with her before. Every time she gets vocal and almost violent. Last time she said some vicious things to me, calling me a pervert and sex fiend amongst others, and said that I need to go find some bimbo that wants to do nothing but pleasure me, then she stormed out of the room. Not the point I was trying to make, I didn't even bring up sex directly, just my need for intimacy, romance, and friendship - I don't want a bimbo, just someone who is interested in something more than the "business relationship" my marriage has deteriorated to. Obviously my feelings, wants, and needs mean nothing to her at this point.

The thing that confuses me most is her anger when I don't come to bed. She forces me to sleep as far away from her as our king size allows, yet she gets angry if I come to bed later than her, or when my frustration level is real high and I don't go to bed with her at all. She doesn't want me there, she never initiates any sort of intimacy (physical or otherwise), she gets mad if I try to initiate intimacy (physical or otherwise), yet she gets mad if I choose to sleep on the couch, watch movies, or play games. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

So why don't I leave? I've thought long and hard about it, and their are two reasons, one good and one pretty stupid. The first is our two kids. I love my kids more than anything else, and I do not want to do anything to hurt them or to take away any of their opportunities in life. The other stupid reason is peer pressure. I do not want to embarass myself or my wife by leaving and busting up what our friends perceive as a near-perfect marriage.

So here I sit, no returned love, no intimacy, no passion, no shared fun - trapped without the courage to really do something about it.

In a sick way I am comforted to learn on this post that there are others like me, I am not alone and there are other good people that share my pain. I hope they are also comforted to know that they also are not alone, that there are other people to talk to (real and online) that understand and can possibly help. I really appreciate the dialogue I have read so far, it has given me some insight. Please keep it going. At this point I am willing to try to recover my marriage, since I love my wife and family so much, but I fear that eventually my frustration will out-weigh my courage, and I will make that tough decision. At that point, I want to be sure that I truly did make an honest attempt, and I really did exercise all my options before bailing out, and that I do it in such a way to minimize pain and embarassment for everyone involved.

Thanks so much my new friends, drop a post if you would like to chat more directly and I will send you my contact information. I welcome advice, and I am willing to listen also!

 

[Phaedre]

So why don't I leave? I've thought long and hard about it, and their are two reasons, one good and one pretty stupid. The first is our two kids. I love my kids more than anything else, and I do not want to do anything to hurt them or to take away any of their opportunities in life. The other stupid reason is peer pressure. I do not want to embarass myself or my wife by leaving and busting up what our friends perceive as a near-perfect marriage.

Hello InsomniacTX, your two reasons for not leaving are practically identical to mine. Our friends and family have a false view of us being in an idyllic relationship. The flak that would follow if they knew the truth of the situation would be quite something to behold, especially if I was the one to walk.

So here I sit, no returned love, no intimacy, no passion, no shared fun - trapped without the courage to really do something about it.

I would like to suggest that you are being courageous in staying.

In a sick way I am comforted to learn on this post that there are others like me, I am not alone and there are other good people that share my pain. I hope they are also comforted to know that they also are not alone, that there are other people to talk to (real and online) that understand and can possibly help. I really appreciate the dialogue I have read so far, it has given me some insight. Please keep it going.

I too have been immensely comforted to discover that my situation isn't unique. Very sad for everyone in the same boat but knowing that I am not some freak (as was once suggested to me) does help my sanity.

At this point I am willing to try to recover my marriage, since I love my wife and family so much, but I fear that eventually my frustration will out-weigh my courage, and I will make that tough decision. At that point, I want to be sure that I truly did make an honest attempt, and I really did exercise all my options before bailing out, and that I do it in such a way to minimize pain and embarassment for everyone involved.

I also want to be sure I have tried everything hence my instigation of marriage counselling again. If I walk I need to know for mine and my children's sake that I tried everything.

I hope we both get what we want in the end.

 

[footlongish]

"The other stupid reason is peer pressure. I do not want to embarass myself or my wife by leaving and busting up what our friends perceive as a near-perfect marriage."

I know EXACTLY what you mean by that. Its probably the biggest single thing that kept me in my marriage as long as I did. We had about 400 people at our wedding. People who believed in us and support us.

However, a man has to do what a man has to do.

 

[Starbuck69]

Been married 18 years, and I'm lucky if we have sex once in two months.

Same old story: she was hot for sex when we were first married, but it slowly trailed off over the years. I am so sick and tired of having to beg for sex from my own wife; it's actually pathetic. I've given up.

So, here I sit on Lit and other internet sites getting my sexual satisfaction and connnection, as it ain't gonna come from the wife. She could care less. I'm 45 next month and I'm not dead yet. Sure, I've slowed down some in the sexual department, but the desire is still there. Fuck, the wife has hardly any desire at all. She is going through menopause, so that really "monkey-wrenches" the sex life, too. It's a fuckin' shame, as I still find my wife attractive and sexy. She has great tits and I love to eat her pussy. But, she has no desire.

Good thing my right hand still is my best buddy, cause I ain't gettin' it anywhere else!! I wish I could simply give her a "magic pill" and she'd be back to having interest in sex. Whenever I want sex from her, all she does is mess with my mind and lay guilt trips on me like I was a fuckin' pervert for just wanting sex with my own wife. Shit!!! I've gotten over the pain and the rejection, and now have come to accept that sex is in the trash bin for us. Too bad, as we used to have lots of fun.

Oh, all the stuff about being nice to her, complimenting her, buying her stuff, giving her love and attention, blah, blah, blah... has done absolutely zilch!! She just ain't interested.

So, here I am....

My How To question ........ are there any other 'sufferers' out there and how do you live with it?

Im in the same boat as you, I love my wife and I have been going nuts to figure out what is going on with her, I just found out that she has started menopause, actually its called perimenopause, I only figured it out because her pms cycle has changed several times, so I did a search on what would cause it to change and also no sex drive, and I found it.

Being a guy I must admit that I was clue less, mainly on what mood swings that I think all guys have heard of, as a guy I thought of mood swings to be as happy one day and then sad or depressed the next but as I did the reading I found out that during this time the mood swings are actually more like they want sex one minute and then even the idea of it makes them sick the next minute.

When I talked to my wife that I thought she was starting menopause she said that she was and that she ment to talk to me about it but didn't.

There are many other things as well and I do suggest you check them out, you can do a search on google for perimenopause.

As far as what can be done there are several treatments to help, none of them sound to be all that great or to work 100% to get things back to normal but they can get things back to 70-80% of normal, she should talk to a doctor to see what the options are. There are even some natural things that she can take to help, for them she would need to talk to a NMD doctor.

If you want to know more just PM me, as I look at it I know what needs to be done know, even though there isn't any thing I can really do but to wait and help her with this whole thing as much as I can and that is mainly by just being there for her.

 

[footlongish]

OK people, its time we do something about these loveless/sexless marriages.

I talked about how to work on a bad relationship here. It seems to work pretty well. Not that our relationship is fixed or anything, but at least we know where the issues are.
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=463847

 

[Matadore]

A little levity on a serious subject

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same..."
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

 

[CabanaBoy22]

Joining the thread

I'm still pretty new to Lit, but this thread has been very interesting (i managed to read most of it). I'm sorry if this is long.

I forsee similar issues with my wife and I in the future regarding the amount of sex we have in the relationship. However, I know that in our relationship the love will always be there and I will never leave it. I'll explain the sex part and maybe this will help someone else too:

It has to do with the type of person my wife is versus the type of person I am. My wife is goal oriented and feels good about her life if she is "getting things accomplished". Work, home improvement, hobbies (like photography), planning. I am the type of person that is more focused on living life moment to moment. Enjoying life as it comes and indulging in simple pleasures (playing music, relaxing, cooking, and sex). So my wife just doesn't have sex on her mind. In fact, her mind is usually focused on what she can get done or accomplishing goals. Mine is focused on personal relationships, and cherishing the moments we are given. And trust me, both types of personalities have to exist and neither is better than the other.

I know this is true becuause 1. She's told me directly that sex, however good it is with me (I don't mean to brag) is just not on her mind that often. and 2. Becuase we are planning on having a child. Since having a child will be achieving a goal, our sex life had gone into overdrive. She needs a purpose to get her sex drive going.

Don't get me wrong, we do have sex (I would say about once a week or two) and she does enjoy it we have it and has regular orgasms since I am an attentive and ambitious lover (unless she's lying to me which is not how our relationship works), but the frequency is not very high and will decrease after children I imagine since her focus will change to the baby.

So to summarize, for my wife and I it really has to do with personality types. And I am OK with is so far. I have a very active imagination (in fact I live much of my life inside my own head) and can please myself just fine when sex is not frequent. I know this is not always the case, and if sex is that important to you please don't let yourself suffer.

The last point I have to make (sorry for the length of the message) is for the guys that are having sex issues right now. I'd like to add a different dimension to the issue by stating that it may be something that is wired in the head of your spouse. A view of the world and sex that she has aquired over the years (either from observation or intepretation of her environment) that formed her inner reality of what sex is and how she thinks about it. My warning is that: it is near impossible to change something that is ingrained in someone's personality. In fact it can be harmful to the person. If sex is that important to you, and your spouse cannot fulfill that need, then I would probably have to agree with the posters who say that this relationship may not work.

this is a great thread that lays out issues that men and women face every day. I really hate to see it become a gender battle though. Maybe start a new thread for that.

note: my wife and I have a very progressive relationship. We both work, I cook, we both clean, she does home improvement. We are truly equals in this world and I will not let "male" pride get in the way of that. Also, her company consists of all females (even the owner) and there is no glass ceiling where she works.

 

[Le Jacquelope]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same..."
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

OUCH!!!!​

 

[SouthOTheBorder]

and I've always felt that I was alone.

I've never discussed this before because I have felt that I was, if not alone, a member of a very small minority group. I have always heard and believed that there are no "frigid” women, maybe not the perfect adjective, only inexperienced men, or something like that.

My situation is probably more a “me too” than unique. I am sure that what my wife and I need is a way to accept that a problem exists and then be able to communicate openly and constructively about it with no blame or guilt. That is what we have yet to accomplish. My wife went to Catholic girl's schools and even after 30 years of marriage, 2 great kids, she is still heavily influenced by her upbringing. I hope that it is obvious how much I love and respect my wife and everything about her still turns me on like no one else ever has or will. I would never ever cheat on her. Every since we met she has been the most important person in my life. Everything is great, except for the lack of sex and especially passionate sex. Sex is ok when we have it, maybe once every 6-8 weeks. I'm almost always able to bring her to a climax with oral which she seems to enjoy. She has never really wanted to try for a second orgasm and I have only seen/felt her really excited twice, that I can remember, in all of our years together. I have an idea that those two times were triggered by a secret fantasy. No, there is no open sharing of fantasies which might really help.

I am going to go back through the thread and see if there is anything at all that I haven't tried and try it. There is a saying in Spanish something like “the last thing to lose is HOPE. I guess the closest thing in English would be “hope springs eternal” but I think that the Spanish version is more appropriate.

Have a great weekend everyone and thanks for listening and sharing.

 

[deluxe3000]

haven't read the whole post but get the gist. in my experience, and for many of my male friends, it seems that the term 'sexless marriage' is a redundancy! ha ha. that's humor... but it happens to be based upon truth and the reality of the situation. oy! thank goodness my hands work otherwise i'd be up a creek without a boat!

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

That reminds me of a joke, which doesn't apply to me, but does to a certain percentage of married men. What do you call someone who gives up sex for the rest of his life? A husband.

 

[Starbuck69]

That reminds me of a joke, which doesn't apply to me, but does to a certain percentage of married men. What do you call someone who gives up sex for the rest of his life? A husband.

Very funny, I just hope that this is not true and this is just a dry spell, it can only get better right? I hope

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Very funny, I just hope that this is not true and this is just a dry spell, it can only get better right? I hope

Don't know about if it will be for you. It doesn't apply to me, as I'm a swinger engaged to my slave. But I can understand the frustration of others here. Despite what some have said, only SOME women can be seduced with flowers, candy, etc. Others are simply asexual and probably need to find impotent or asexual men, who would be happy with that situation.

 

[Matadore]

Counseling?

I am sure that what my wife and I need is a way to accept that a problem exists and then be able to communicate openly and constructively about it with no blame or guilt. That is what we have yet to accomplish.

Find a good counselor. If the first two or three aren't good for you both, try three or four more.

They can come from anywhere. Nobody needs to know, esp. the topics that you work on.

Social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists (if you might need meds for depression), even religious professionals all can help. They really are more to help you sort out what you need to say and hear to each other...not solve your sex problems. If you can get it up and she can have orgasms, then communication is the problem (as you said).

The bonus here is that if you have children at a formative age, they are less likely to pick up on and mimic whatever it is that is bothering you two.

Good luck, and remember, setting the appointment and showing up is the hardest part of the whole experience. If you both can get by that point, your marriage has a chance.

 

[SouthOTheBorder]

Find a good counselor. If the first two or three aren't good for you both, try three or four more.

Thanks very much Matadore. I agree completely and have been working for years to convince my wife, first that there is a problem and second that we should seek professional help. This always seems to ruin the rest of the day/week.

I haven't mentioned this to her for sometime but this thread in general and your answer has stimulated me to give it yet another try.

THANKS

They can come from anywhere. Nobody needs to know, esp. the topics that you work on.

Social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists (if you might need meds for depression), even religious professionals all can help. They really are more to help you sort out what you need to say and hear to each other...not solve your sex problems. If you can get it up and she can have orgasms, then communication is the problem (as you said).

The bonus here is that if you have children at a formative age, they are less likely to pick up on and mimic whatever it is that is bothering you two.

Kids are grown and have their own lives. I always hoped/thought that when we were alone sex would improve but . . . .

Good luck, and remember, setting the appointment and showing up is the hardest part of the whole experience. If you both can get by that point, your marriage has a chance.

Amen.

Thanks for taking the time to share this advice that will help any of us who are living this and trying to find a solution.

 

[footlongish]

Guys, please see my thread on working on relationships. Just buy the books and start reading, even if all both of you do is read them as a supplement to counselling.