Sexless Marriage

[viosh]

.....................................

 

[londonaberdeen]

Hi Viosh,

I'm not in a similar situation and can't answer your post of how to cope.

But I would like to wish you both well. I hope you find the support you need, in some form.

I do wonder though why your wife has lost interest, and over what period has this taken to wane?

I am too young to know the impact of menopause so I can't help there.

One thing that sticks out for me in your post is I feel you are blaming your wife for not providing sex. The way you put it she should be dishing out sex as she's your wife.

"I am so sick and tired of having to beg for sex from my own wife; it's actually pathetic."

Is there any chance she is also sick and tired of you begging for sex?

Sex starts outside the bedroom, is there enough love in your relationship day to day? Perhaps if you consider taking your relationship back to square one and get to know each other once more. Consider it dating for a while, you will, she will fall in love once more and sex will come naturally?

I know you say you have tried this ....

"giving her love and attention, blah, blah, blah... has done absolutely zilch!"

But I also got the impression that you were giving her flowers, love affection, blah, blah, blah for a reason. Your goal was to have sex. I may have miss understood that but I don't get the impression that you are wanting the love back in your life, you are just missing the sex. Maybe your wife is missing the love?

 

[thewantonscribe]

I get the idea that you are angry thinking that all is lost. Am I reading what you said wrong? If so, I do apologize.

I also read that you have tried flowers, her favorite things etc. Have you tried the simple things like talking to her about it. Not yelling, not fighting about it but allowing her the chance to explain why she feels there is no desire. It could actually be a medical thing - with menopause there is a change in the level of estrogen she is producing not to mention the testosterone and that will definitely affect her desire for sex.

As a woman I think its wonderful that you say you still find her attractive and sexy. There are a lot of women at this stage that wish their husbands felt that way.

But maybe a talk about it without the goal being getting laid would help. Maybe this is something she needs to mention to your family physician or her gyno. There is a huge amount of information on the internet about the loss of sexual interest during menopause. I do think that talking is something that would help. If you have tried talking then maybe therapy would be an option too. Many women get very depressed going through menopause.

Don't feel bad about being angry, hell Archie Bunker didn't like it when Edith went through it lol. I don't know if you remember that episode or not. They were calling it 'the change' and he tell her 'okay you got five minutes - now change' lol. Its funnier when you see it.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[SweetErika]

Hi Viosh,

I think you'll find there are many people in the same boat here. Some are doing as you are, others have gone the cheating route (good for you for not going there, in my opinion!), and yet others have/are trying to work on the relationship, through it with individual or couples therapy, come to an agreement on going outside the marriage, or end it so they can find happiness. It seems that shows there are lots of different things to try.

I'm guessing you'll find this thread interesting, and hopefully helpful.

I'm assuming you've had many heart-to-heart talks with your wife about this? What has your she said and/or what's has she suggested as a solution? Have you tried counseling, even individual, to help you cope with this, and maybe come to an agreement on how to deal with it?

 

[human_male]

I've read enough of these thread now to know I'll be very, very careful about getting married. It must absolutely suck. The lack of sex would be enough but you must also feel totally rejected by her. You've got some great advice here and let's hope something helps.

 

[Private_Label]

Don't feel bad about being angry, hell Archie Bunker didn't like it when Edith went through it lol. I don't know if you remember that episode or not. They were calling it 'the change' and he tell her 'okay you got five minutes - now change' lol. Its funnier when you see it.

And that was followed by her hot flashes and Archie trying to be nice by buying her a battery operated little fan. He may not have been the most romantic guy, but at least he was trying.

 

[SusanneS]

I lost interest in the sex with my husband as well.
In fact living with him made me lose interest in sex alltogether, the only time I had any desire to sex was when i knew he was far away enough.
The main problem was that I didn't love him and wasn't happy in the marriage.
Sexually it didn't work because he'd started to feel more and more like a brother to me.
I left him 18 months ago, have a new partner and am as horny as hell

And no, being nice to me, giving me a massage or any such stuff didn't work becasue as soon as he done something like that my first thouhgt was always "he's after sex".

Note that I'm not saying this is the case in your marriage, they are all different.

 

[Straight-8]

This really sucks but surely you know your options. 1) status quo - sounds bad; 2) self help - sounds like your palms are getting tired and boring; 3) try and change the situation by yourself - sounds like you've done what you can think of and it isn't working; 4) go for (sex) counselling - might help; 5) take a lover; 6) get a divorce and start again.

I don't know enough about you to say which is the best option for you in your situation but, from what you say, you aren't doig too well with the first three.

Just don't be a coward. Go for what you want and need. Nothing worse than living with regrets and might have beens.

 

[Carnevil9]

I'd recommend you get some loving on the side. You don't even need to try very hard to hide it; just enough that she doesn't feel it's being flaunted in her face. She'll probably be grateful that you have a new outlet for your juices. Many long and happy marriages have been based on this method.

Re: menopause, I had a girlfriend once who went through it while we were together. It made her horny as hell! Bitchy, but horny. I don't know if that is normal or not, but I didn't complain......Carney

 

[sunandshadow]

Well personally I wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't want to have sex with me, I would want to get a divorce and find someone who was attracted to me.

 

[SweetErika]

I'd recommend you get some loving on the side. You don't even need to try very hard to hide it; just enough that she doesn't feel it's being flaunted in her face. She'll probably be grateful that you have a new outlet for your juices. Many long and happy marriages have been based on this method.

Yeah, I'd be really happy if my husband started fucking other women behind my back. And if we were still having sex periodically like the OP, I'd be thrilled to learn he knowingly put MY health at risk.

If dishonesty, disrespect, no trust, humiliation, lack of communication, endangering a spouse and no love make for a long and happy marriage, those of us who have the opposite must be doing something wrong.

My husband and I have talked about what we'd do if the love and friendship was still there, but one of us was unable or unwilling to fulfill the other's physical needs long-term for whatever reason. Our solution is to talk about it and support the other in getting what they need outside the marriage. If we can't/don't want to help them find happiness, the love's not really there and/or it'll be time to go our separate ways. But we respect each other as people and honor our history enough to be honest and avoid the unnecessary harm that comes from cheating, period. If there's no love, honesty or respect, we have no business being in a relationship of any kind together.

 

[subwannabe]

My wife is kinda going down this road also, but not as severe. Maybe that's why I'm here to. I have tried talking to her several times and it helps for a while but then it goes right back to the same ole same ole. She is not going through menopause. My wife also brought up the flowers and being more affectionate and loving to her outside of the bedroom thing. I had been doing that before and it didn't work but I tried it again and then I got the "you're just doing it because you want sex". Maybe I'm just a stupid guy but I don't know how to get around that. I really don't know much about menapause other than I think it is somewhat normal to lose interest in sex while you are going through it. You didn't mention if you were trying to talk to her about it (outside the bedroom!). I can see your point but then menapause is something you need to be more understanding about, as long as there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Mazuri]

Hubby and I were going down this road for a while. Sex happened once a month or every other month...or longer. I'm sure he was frustrated, I know I was. The only thing that helped was for us both to acknowledge there was a problem that needed to be fixed, it was no one's fault and both of our's, and we both wanted to fix it. We fixed things outside the bedroom first...no flowers, no gifts, just reconnecting and talking with no pressure. After we had made advancements, then the sex picked up (boy did it pick up ) and got even better than it'd ever been.

For the women who say "you're only doing it for the sex", then either they're not willing to work on the issues or they don't feel that their spouse is. Communicate, communicate, communicate! Be honest. Say yes, you want more and better sex, but what you miss most is your friend and companion...but only if it's true. If you just miss the sex...well, she'll know it.

 

[Straight-8]

If dishonesty, disrespect, no trust, humiliation, lack of communication, endangering a spouse and no love make for a long and happy marriage, those of us who have the opposite must be doing something wrong. .

Different strokes for different folks. It works for some people. Maybe not often what you would call a 'happy' marriage in those circumstances, but fairly often a satisfactory one for the people involved. Look at Francois Mitterand: his wife and his mistress first met at his funeral.

On a more positive 'save this marriage' approach, I'd like to ask the poster if he and his wife are taking vacations together. I was appalled recently to learn that fewer Americans are taking holidays than ever (and it wasn't good before!). Taking a holiday together is often a very valuable 're-connect' time. As well as making your life worth living for something besides going to the mall and work!

 

[DAZZED48]

location

try a change of place, might work couldnt hurt.make shur theres good fishing near by just incase

 

[M's girl]

I've read enough of these thread now to know I'll be very, very careful about getting married. It must absolutely suck.

What makes you think marriage has anything to do with that? I am not, nor have I ever been married, but I have been in relationships where the sex just disappeared. And it was not only my fault. Maybe it's hard to believe for (some) men that it happens the other way around too?

It's not the marriage, it's not that piece of paper that makes things go wrong. Usually it's a combination of the lack of communication and (or) two people just plain simple growing apart...

 

[SweetErika]

Different strokes for different folks. It works for some people. Maybe not often what you would call a 'happy' marriage in those circumstances, but fairly often a satisfactory one for the people involved. Look at Francois Mitterand: his wife and his mistress first met at his funeral.

Like I said, I don't have a problem with going outside the relationship. My beef is with doing it in a dishonest, disrespectful way. If a spouse wants to do so, they need to talk to their partner so s/he has a choice on exposing themselves to STIs, and can decide whether or not they want to be in that kind of relationship. The exception is when someone says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't let me hear about it." If talking doesn't work for whatever reason, the unhappy spouse needs to remove themselves from the relationship.

If the "happy" spouse would be satisfied with the unhappy person's decision to carry on other relationships, going behind their back wouldn't be necessary.

 

[human_male]

What makes you think marriage has anything to do with that? I am not, nor have I ever been married, but I have been in relationships where the sex just disappeared. And it was not only my fault. Maybe it's hard to believe for (some) men that it happens the other way around too?

It's not the marriage, it's not that piece of paper that makes things go wrong. Usually it's a combination of the lack of communication and (or) two people just plain simple growing apart...

No I understand it's not marriage itself that's the problem. It's just if you're married as opposed to in a relationship it's harder to get out of and I'd imagine you feel more trapped and hopeless.

I'm sure it happens to women too, but by far the vast majority would be men.

 

[3113]

One thing you fail to mention is how sexually active your wife was before menopause--before you started to notice this severe drop in sexual activity.

When you first dated and married--how much sex was there and how good was it?

It makes a difference. If she really use to enjoy sex and now there's a falling off, then it's likely a mix of menopausal hormone change...and depression. I'm guessing she's deeply depressed. Depression could be clinical and/or related to the hormone change as well. She blames you and makes you feel guilty because she blames herself and feels guilty that she can't be a wife to you.

In short, you need to make her see someone, not just for the menopausal part, but for the depression. There is help out there.

HOWEVER, if she was never much into sex and it's just gotten worse, then you have a larger problem--the roots are deeper. It means she's never really enjoyed sex that much and needs to either learn how to enjoy it or there is a problem that she's having with you as a partner.

Marriages go through serious ups and downs. There are low points where the couple has to rediscover themselves and each other. This is hard when one of the two is resisting and going through changes and depression--when she/he becomes aware of their own mortality, of youthful dreams unfulfilled, of empty nests and confusion over purpose. Perhaps even of being bored. Of feeling that life is all "been there, done that." It can make them unmotivated to even try to fix what is wrong.

It's wonderful to know that you still love her and find her sexy--and I hope you tell her that. But it's also time to seek outside help, to insist on it. Whatever the problem--depression or something deeper--it needs professional help.

 

[M's girl]

No I understand it's not marriage itself that's the problem. It's just if you're married as opposed to in a relationship it's harder to get out of and I'd imagine you feel more trapped and hopeless.

I'm sure it happens to women too, but by far the vast majority would be men.

Although I have never been married (so maybe I should shut up) I don't believe a piece of paper would make it harder to get out of a relationship. Because for me, when I am committed, I'm in the relationship for 100% already - marriage vows or not. So I'm only saying that marriage is the trap you make it in your head. If you are honest and true about a serious relationship it should be as hard to step out of (emotionally) as if you were married.

 

[NevrGettinOld]

same sinking boat as viosh

Married over 20 years, no sex for last two. Been thru all the stages mentioned here. Even now, still do most of the housework and do most of the kids activities.

Did the counseling thing. She refused to talk about sex til all of her complaints were resolved. So I resolved each and every one. Finally got to talk about sex, therapist suggested 2-3 times a week. After the appt, she negotiated that down to one. And it only lasted three weeks. She's told me several times its over and all pretend.

I should have known sex would be a problem, so in a way, it is my own fault. Looking back at things she's said over the years, she has always "doled out" sex as she saw fit and did just enough to 'do her duty."

I want desperately to move on and try to be happy. Can't bring myself to do it cuz kids are 13 & 17. Choice seems to be a) hurt them real bad by leaving, even if I still see them every day, b) hurt them real bad later by staying until they are on their own and then they find out it was all an act or c) sit here and patiently wait to die.

I don't want to spark the debate on "staying for the kids".

It sure seems there are alot of men, and women, in our boat. What the hell do we do?

 

[footlongish]

NevrGettnOld:

You have two options. I'm in a similar boat, although for different reasons.

1) Have an affair. Do you love your wife otherwise ? Lots of people will call you (me) names for suggesting it, but if everything else is OK and you want to stay for her and the kids, then you have an affair. Will she be pissed off when she finds out ? Yep. So what ! You have needs and she doesn't want anything to do with them, so what choice do you have ?

2) You leave and start over. Yes, it hurts everyone. But you have to think of yourself too. How long can you live without sex and intimacy ? I've done it for 10 years or more and I can't take it anymore. I need someone that wants me as much as I want her. It hurts too much otherwise.

You are in a no win situation. Life is precious. Too precious to sit and wait to die patiently as you put it. It will take you a year to get back on your feet, but then you can find a better relationship. Otherwise a year from now you will be in the same boat, only with one less year to live.

Take it from me: DON'T DO NOTHING ! Do something.

 

[Cockyfox]

Viosh, there has already been some good advice and insights posted here. Either way you go about it, you need to communicate with your wife some more.

Good luck to you.

 

[NevrGettinOld]

...

You are in a no win situation. Life is precious. Too precious to sit and wait to die patiently as you put it. It will take you a year to get back on your feet, but then you can find a better relationship. Otherwise a year from now you will be in the same boat, only with one less year to live.

Take it from me: DON'T DO NOTHING ! Do something.

foot,

thanks for that advice. can tell u know exactly how i feel. and you said several things that were direct hits. u are precisely right, i have to stop doing nothing. good luck to u too, hope it works out well for u

 

[human_male]

2) You leave and start over. Yes, it hurts everyone. But you have to think of yourself too. How long can you live without sex and intimacy ? I've done it for 10 years or more and I can't take it anymore. I need someone that wants me as much as I want her. It hurts too much otherwise.

You are in a no win situation. Life is precious. Too precious to sit and wait to die patiently as you put it. It will take you a year to get back on your feet, but then you can find a better relationship. Otherwise a year from now you will be in the same boat, only with one less year to live.

Take it from me: DON'T DO NOTHING ! Do something.

I agree with this. Life is short, and yeah the kids will be upset but you're still their dad, just make sure they know that you're not leaving THEM.

Although I'm not married, I'm still in the same boat as far as a loveless, sexless existence goes and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If you have a chance to find someone who wants and appreciates you and make a new life then do it. I wish Viosh and NevrGettinOld all the best of luck.